


The Forbidden One

by NobleCounsel



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Acceptance, Asexual Spectrum Character, Attempted Sexual Assault (Not Between Main Relationship), Autistic Tanaka Gundham, Awkwardness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endless Blushing, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Everyone Has Lots of Feelings, Explicit Consent, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship & bromance are here too, Identity Struggles, Industrial Grade Angst, It's more sensual than anything, Kink Exploration/Discovery, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Occasionally Dark, Protectiveness, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Sweet, Thoughts of Self-harm, Trans Male Character, Trauma/PTSD, Various One-Sided Crushes, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, also light bondage, and general adorableness, and some humor, bisexuals aplenty, but also fluffy romance, graphic depictions of cuddling, gratuitous and gentle kissing, sort of pet play i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 49
Words: 95,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27439087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobleCounsel/pseuds/NobleCounsel
Summary: The middle of a killing game probably wasn’t the best time for Hajime to start catching feelings, especially when the guy he’s falling for has all the emotional intelligence of a brick. And Monokuma isn’t the only one ready to make life hard for them.A retelling of SDR2 and beyond with a heavy Hinadam focus. Things will start out light and fluffy, but take a hard turn into angst before the end. Nagito will be a bit of a yandere. Hajime and Fuyuhiko will be best bros. Kazuichi will learn to mature a little. There will be a happy ending, but getting there won't be easy, so hop in for a long, harrowing, and very gay ride.
Relationships: (Bromance), Hinata Hajime/Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko, Hinata Hajime/Tanaka Gundham, Kirigiri Kyouko/Naegi Makoto (minor), Komaeda Nagito/Hinata Hajime (One-sided), Pekoyama Peko/Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko (referenced), Sonia Nevermind/Tanaka Gundham (One sided), Souda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundam (one sided)
Comments: 402
Kudos: 321





	1. Getting Closer

Exhausted from a near-sleepless night spent agonizing over my last conversation with Gundham, I didn’t drag myself out of bed until well past the morning Monokuma announcement. If there had been a breakfast meeting, it had dispersed by the time I managed to make my way over to the restaurant. Barely tasting my food, I ran our talk through my head, again and again, picking apart every word we’d exchanged. No one had ever asked to hold my hand like that before. It wasn’t something I’d thought people who were just friends did, even close friends. But there hadn’t been an ounce of awkwardness to it, and the memory of that warm hand in mine was still making my heart race.

As I finished up my meal, I decided I had to go see him again. I wasn't ready to talk about the vague feelings that were starting to crystallize in my mind, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was a bit of a delay after I knocked on his door, but it eventually cracked open just enough to expose a baleful, red-lensed eye.

“You again.” Gundham opened the door wider, letting the now-familiar scents of herbs, essential oils, and incenses escape to mix with the salty ocean air. “Why do you approach me this time, mortal? Do you seek further training?”

“Actually, yeah. Can I come in?”

“Very well. Enter,” he said grandly, looking pleased as he stepped aside to let me in.

Nothing had changed in his cottage since the last time I’d been here. The Devas were stowed away in their cage, and one was sprinting through the rectangle of colorful tubing that ran around the room’s perimeter. The only sound other than the scrabbling of its paws on plastic was the creaking of the rocking chair in the middle of the room, which was still moving back and forth as if Gundham had just gotten out of it. I smiled for a moment as I imagined him sitting there, poring intensely over an occult tome, covered in adorable hamsters.

“Well?” His deep voice brought my attention back to reality. “Why have you sought me out? What forbidden knowledge do you desire? What technique do you wish to master?” Gundham wasn’t exactly the type to wear his emotions on his sleeve, but I got the distinct feeling that he was excited to spend some more time with me. I hoped I wasn’t just projecting that, anyway.

“Well, there is one thing I’ve wanted to do since the first time I met you,” I said, thoughtfully stroking my chin.

“Hmph,” he scoffed, his tone going cold. “So this is where you reveal that all your overtures of friendship were a mere ploy. That since our first meeting your only thoughts have been to take my power for yourself. Perhaps you are an agent of ‘his.’”

“No, it’s nothing like that!” I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. “I just wanted to pet your hamsters. I’ve never had a pet before so I don’t really know how to interact with them. You’re kinda the expert on this, aren’t you?”

Gundham looked surprised for a moment, but then he smiled. Rather than his usual knowing grin, it was one of those pleasant, soft smiles I hadn’t seen until after I’d started getting to know him better. “I see. Once again, I have underestimated you. After only a glimpse at the myriad techniques I could teach you, you have correctly identified the most powerful. Learning to command demon beasts will grant you access to powers you can scarcely begin to imagine! Fuhahahaha!” Ending that speech with a vigorous laugh, he raised his arms into one of his shōnen-villain poses like he was about to start hurling spells at me.

“Great!” I tried to keep any trace of amusement out of my smile. I’d honestly come to find this kind of thing endearing coming from Gundham, and I didn’t want him to think I was mocking him. “So, what do I do?”

Striding over to the large cage where the Devas lived when they weren’t nestled in his scarf, he gestured at the sofa. “Be seated.” As I followed his command, he opened the cage and picked out the large golden hamster. “We shall begin with Cham-P.”

He approached, cradling the creature and petting its head in a gentle manner completely at odds with his grandiose tone. When he sat down right beside me, my eyebrows shot up in surprise. Before yesterday, Gundham had always kept a physical distance of at least a few feet between us. And although we’d broken that barrier when he let me touch him yesterday, I hadn’t expected him to start being so casual with his personal space.

“Do not be fooled by his size,” he continued. I managed to regain a neutral expression by the time he took his attention off the hamster and looked up at me. “He is the most docile of my Four Dark Devas of Destruction. To begin, you must show him your hand. Move slowly and make no sudden motions so he can know that you mean no harm.” And with that, he held the hamster out to me, cupped in his bandaged palm.

I did as I was told, bringing a couple of my fingers close to its face. Sniffing eagerly, Cham-P grabbed onto one of them and moved his little head around to examine it. I gasped very softly. “They’re so cute up close!”

Gundham gave a knowing chuckle. “So, you have discovered one of the many reasons I always keep my Devas near at hand. Perhaps one day you will even be able to grasp their full power.” As he spoke, I started to pet Cham-P’s head with a single finger. The hamster barely acknowledged my touch, continuing his explorations of my hand.

“Very good,” Gundham chimed in after I’d stroked the hamster’s soft fur a few more times. “You have gained his trust quite admirably. Are you prepared to take the next step?”

“What’s that?”

He reached out and grabbed my wrist. Although he was quite gentle in turning my hand palm up and holding it there, I could feel a hot blush spreading across my face. At my sharp intake of breath, he looked up with concern. “Are you well? Have I aggravated some injury?”

“Oh, no, not at all!” I couldn’t think of anything to cover my embarrassment, so I fell back on honesty. “I was just surprised. I guess I’m not used to you being okay with touching me yet.” Now it was Gundham’s turn to blush. “I don’t mind, though,” I quickly added when he made to pull his hand away.

He stopped, and we stared at each others’ red faces, the awkwardness growing with every silent moment. My heart pounded in my chest as I became achingly aware of how warm his hand was on mine. I was sure he had to be feeling this too, that something more than simple friendship was happening here. But I had no idea how to ask him. What if I was wrong? Worse, what if I was right but he was afraid of his feelings and started avoiding me? We’d only known each other a brief time, but already I couldn’t stand the thought of losing his friendship.

As I searched for something, anything to say, the tension in the air between us became nearly physical, like a rubber band stretching further and further until it was ready to snap. Mercifully, Cham-P rescued us by breaking the silence with a few quick squeaks as he turned around in Gundham’s hand. I looked down and pet him until he settled.

“Yes, well.” Gundham cleared his throat, seeming determined to soldier on as though nothing had just happened. “This next step in learning to befriend demon beasts is an extremely vital one. Should you fail, the consequences could be catastrophic. You must be careful, and steady in your resolve. Are you prepared?” I nodded, not yet trusting myself to speak. “Very well.” His tone was grave as he carefully tipped the hamster into my upturned palm.

Cham-P, for his part, seemed excited to have another perch to explore and clambered on as soon as he realized what his master was doing. Gundham supported my hand for another moment before withdrawing his, leaving me holding the large hamster alone. Was I just imagining things, or did his fingers linger a little longer than had been strictly necessary?

Regardless, whatever tension I still felt dissipated completely as Cham-P tickled me with his tiny whiskers. “He’s so much lighter than I thought he’d be!” I exclaimed in a hushed whisper as he turned around a few times to get his bearings. Quickly determining that my hand was no more interesting than Gundham’s, he settled down to peer over the edge of my palm.

“You are doing well.” Gundham reached into a pocket and pulled out a few large seeds, which he handed to me. “Here, he is enamored with these. Use them to purchase his loyalty.”

I spent the next couple of hours being introduced to each of the Devas one at a time. Gundham spoke at length on how to care for them, going into great detail about each one’s unique preferences and personality. He seemed genuinely excited to have someone to share all of this with. Watching him be so animated was honestly more interesting than any of the actual facts he was imparting, but I did my best to be a good student. And, despite my complete ignorance of the subject, he was uncharacteristically patient with me.

“I think I’ll go get some lunch,” I said when he was putting the final hamster away. “Do you want to join me?”

“I have further matters to attend to here,” he said mysteriously, and I didn’t pry. “However, wait,” he stopped me as I turned to go. Digging through the small pile of books on the floor next to his rocking chair, he selected a couple with images of animals on the covers. “I have already obtained the knowledge I needed from these tomes. But you may find them useful. Return to me when you would seek further communion with my dark knowledge.”

“Thanks, I will.” I took them before leaving, intrigued to see some color rise on his cheeks when I flashed him a smile on my way out the door.


	2. Underneath It All

After lunch, I let my feet carry me aimlessly around the islands while I mulled things over. Gundham had seemed to share at least some of my feelings today, but that didn’t make the prospect of bringing them up with him any less intimidating. Simply calling him a friend for the first time had led to shouting and accusations of trickery. How would he react to something like _this_?

It wasn’t long before my mulling turned into ruminating. What if Gundham’s blushing and awkwardness around me were solely due to his inexperience with friendship? Something in a dark corner of my mind kept reminding me that I couldn’t even remember my own talent, and it was absurd to think that someone as extraordinary as him might have deeper feelings for me. Then again, I wouldn’t feel any differently about Gundham if he wasn’t the Ultimate Breeder. So was I just unfairly projecting that insecurity onto him?

As my thoughts ran themselves around in circles and each question only led to more questions, I became less sure of things with every step. Eventually, I found myself at Chandler Beach shortly before sunset, my legs begging me for a rest. Sitting down to take in the view, I got so lost in my brooding that I didn’t notice someone else walking over until their shadow fell across me. I shaded my eyes against the setting sun and looked up to see Mahiru, hands on her hips, bending down to peer at me with a stern expression on her face.

“Hey, what are you so gloomy about?” she asked as soon as she had my attention. “Some of the others said you’ve been walking around in a daze all day, they’re worried. You’re not planning on killing anyone, are you?”

“What? Of course not! I just have some stuff on my mind. This isn’t exactly a great situation we’re in, you know.” That last bit came out more petulant than I had intended.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” she scolded, sounding like an elementary school teacher. “This isn’t just about Monokuma and the killings, you weren’t like this before. Something happened, didn’t it? Did you play that game?”

“No, it’s got nothing to do with that!” I looked back out across the ocean, hugging my knees to my chest. With the sun going down, it was starting to get a bit chilly. “You’re right, it’s not about anything Monokuma’s doing. But I don’t want to talk about it, I just need some time to myself to think. Why are you here, anyway?”

“The light’s really good right before sunset. Thought I’d get some photos of the beach.” Brandishing her camera, she ignored my request for solitude and sat down next to me. “So, what, did you get in a fight with someone?” Faced with nothing but stony silence, she continued postulating on her own. “No, you don’t look angry. So it’s something else… ah. You’ve caught feelings for someone, haven’t you?”

I gave her an exhausted glare, which only seemed to confirm her suspicions. “Who is it then? Does she know?” she asked.

“I’m not about to tell you, and no.” I didn’t see any reason to correct her faulty assumption. “At least, I don’t think so.”

“Does she like someone else?”

“I doubt it.”

“Well, why not just tell her instead of moping around all day?”

I sighed, hoping she would take the hint and go away. I didn’t want to get into this with her, but she was being pushy, as usual. When she did nothing but continue looking at me expectantly, I decided it would be easiest to humor her for now, so long as I was careful not to slip in any pronouns. “Because I’m not sure my feelings will be reciprocated and I don’t want to risk losing our friendship if they aren’t.”

Her face screwed up in distaste. “Oh god, it’s not me is it?”

“No, but thank you for that.” There was more than a little acid in my tone. Even though I wasn’t interested in her, I was already barely clinging to the last fragments of my self-esteem. I didn’t need her looking at me like something she’d found stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

“Sorry,” she said casually, not sounding sorry at all. “Is it Chiaki?”

“I’m not going down a list of every girl on the island until you figure it out. Why do you need to know, anyway?”

“I guess I’m just nosy.” She was shameless, too. “And like I said, some of us are worried about you.”

My expression softened and I took a deep breath, letting go of some of the tension this conversation had built up in my body. “I appreciate it Mahiru, I do. It just isn’t that simple.”

“People always say that, and they’re usually wrong. Anyway, why is it bothering you so much? You need to get to know someone better than a few group meetings to set your heart on them this hard, you know? I don’t know when you’ve been able to talk to any of them enough for them to do this to you when you spend all your time… with…” Realization dawned on her face as she trailed off. “Oh. Huh. Is that how it is?”

 _Shit._ Why did it have to be Mahiru of all people that found me here? I knew she was too sharp to buy any of the lies I could come up with on the spot, so I didn’t even try. But I didn’t confirm it either. There was a long moment of silence, broken only by the crashing of small waves on the beach, before she pushed the conversation forward.

“Okay, I can see why that’s a bit more complicated.” She sounded thoughtful. “Hm. Does he even like guys?”

“I don’t know if he likes _anyone_ that way at all.”

“And that’s not something you can just casually figure out with a guy like him. Who knows what he’s got going on in that head past all the delusions of grandeur?”

“Don’t tell anyone else about this,” I pleaded, resting my chin on my knees. “I don’t want this getting back to him before I’ve figured out what to say. I need to be careful about how I approach him with this.”

“So you’re planning on telling him?”

“I have to! There’s no way I can bottle this up, it’ll come out sooner or later.”

“Yeah, you weren’t exactly doing a great job of hiding your feelings from the rest of the island. You’re really gonna have to spell it out for him though, I bet. When it comes to this sort of thing, he’s probably dense as a brick.” Mahiru’s analysis wasn’t anything I hadn’t worked out for myself already, but now that this was out in the open it was a relief having someone I could talk to.

“I feel like an idiot for spending all my time worrying about this with everything else going on.” My voice was bitter with anger, but it was all directed at myself now. “Why does a high school crush matter so much to me when all of our lives are in danger?”

As I squinted into the horizon I heard a shuttering sound and turned to see Mahiru holding her camera with an apologetic smile on her face. “Sorry, you just cut quite a figure in the evening light there.” I was a little annoyed, but not enough to push it. “I mean, I get it,” she went on, her voice taking on an almost placating tone. “This island is like a pressure cooker. Bottle us all up and turn on the heat, and it’s no wonder everyone’s having strong feelings about one thing or another. It doesn’t have to make sense. And having someone you could be close to in a situation like this would probably be a big comfort.”

“So you think I’m just scared and want someone I can be safe with?”

“No, not at all. But I think all of this is amplifying your feelings. If we were normal kids in school right now it probably would’ve taken you more than a week to be torturing yourself about this. Why Gundham, anyway? I’ve been wondering for a while why you spend so much time with him. I get exhausted just trying to talk to him for two minutes!”

Stretching out my legs, I leaned back and let my fingers sink into the pleasantly warm sand while I took a moment to gather my thoughts. “I know most people don’t see it, but he’s actually really sweet. He puts on all those airs and pushes people away because he’s scared of them. Sometimes, I feel like talking to him is like sneaking up on a deer. Make a sudden move and he might bolt.” My hand swept through the air, emphasizing the last word. “It can be tiring, you’re right. But I want to know what’s underneath it all. From the little I’ve been able to see so far, I know it’s something wonderful.”

I heard another snap beside me and looked over to see Mahiru’s face behind the camera again. “That smile was too good!” I hadn’t even realized that somewhere in there I’d started smiling softly. “And that was really poetic, you know? Maybe that’s your talent.”

The sheer wrongness of that idea drew a laugh out of me. “I doubt it. I don’t think I’ve ever really understood poetry. Or any kind of art.” I sighed deeply, relieved to have finally been able to say some of what I was feeling out loud. As the breath flowed out of me in a slow stream, the fact that I’d been walking around all day suddenly caught up to me. I was exhausted.

Perhaps sensing that, Mahiru stood up and dusted herself off. “Well, there’s no accounting for taste. Speaking of which, make sure you eat something tonight, alright?” I nodded absently, which wasn’t good enough for her. “I’m serious! Boys are so bad at taking care of themselves. If I ask around and find out you didn’t eat dinner, I’ll come by your cottage and _make_ you. And I have my own stuff to deal with, so if I have to do that I’ll be mad.”

I threw up my hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, you win. I’ll go eat dinner. But I want to stay here for a bit longer first. And Mahiru,” I added, looking over my shoulder as she started to walk off. “Thanks.”


	3. A Sweet Smile

I left Hajime moping on the beach and hurried back to the hotel. A few people were lounging around the pool or making their way to the restaurant for dinner, but nobody paid me any mind as I turned to walk down the pier leading to the boys’ cottages and knocked on Gundham’s door.

After an annoyingly long wait, he cracked it open, peering at me through his ridiculous red contact lens. “Koizumi?” he asked, surprised. The door opened further. “What possible business could a simple human such as you have with the Supreme Overlord of Ice?”

Great. I’d barely seen his face and I was already annoyed. “I have something important to talk to you about. Let me in.”

“How dare you make demands of the great Gundham Tanaka!” he shouted, bristling like an angry hedgehog. “I command the powers of the Netherworld…”

I rolled my eyes and stopped paying attention as he prattled on. Instead, I pressed a few buttons on my digital camera, bringing up the picture I’d just taken of Hajime as he stared into the sunset looking miserable. I held the screen up to Gundham’s face and felt a surge of triumph at stopping his rant in its tracks. That seemed like a good sign.

After recoiling in surprise, he settled down and took the camera from my hands to examine the image more closely. “When did you take this?” he asked, in a quiet tone I’d never heard from him before.

“Today,” I said curtly. He looked up at the sky then back down at the photo, clearly concluding that it must have been quite recent.

“You may enter.” It looked like he wasn’t going to drop the melodrama, but at least he wasn’t shouting anymore. He retreated to a huge wooden rocking chair in the middle of his cottage and sat down, not taking his eyes from the picture, and I folded my arms as I waited for him to speak. Eventually, he turned a sharp gaze on me, his expression unreadable. “Why have you brought this to me?”

“Because I thought you’d care, and because you’re the only one who can do anything about it.”

“Did someone cause him harm? Why does he look like this?” He waved the camera at me angrily and I snatched it out of his hands before he could break it.

“Not exactly. And that part you’re going to have to figure out for yourself. I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone. All I can say is that after he left your cottage earlier, people saw him wandering around all day looking depressed.”

His face contorted into a scowl. “Are you accusing me of something? If you are, state your allegation clearly!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, but I can’t honestly say this isn’t your fault. I don’t suppose you’d give me a straight answer if I asked you how you felt about him?”

“Why is that any of your concern?” he demanded.

“It’s not, but I could probably help you if you weren’t being so stubborn. Here.” I showed him the next image on my camera, the one of Hajime smiling so sweetly. It made me a little angry. Maybe even more than a little, if I was honest. I didn’t think anyone had ever looked like that when thinking about me. Hell, I might go my whole life without it happening. And fate had handed someone who smiled like that to _this_ delusional moron. Life really wasn’t fair.

Gundham took the camera again, looking completely bewildered now, and flipped back and forth between the pictures to compare them. “These were taken at the same time. Why does he look so different?”

“I’m not spelling it out for you. At least, not unless you want to answer my question.” I gave him an expectant look, but he just glared at me. “Fine, then this is all you get. The first picture was how he looked when he was telling me what was bothering him. The second was how he looked when I asked him what exactly it was about your useless ass he liked so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short chapter this time, but the next one will be meatier. Also, I'm thinking of including links in the notes of future chapters to pieces of fanart that helped inspire some of the scenes. Let me know if that's something people would be interested in.


	4. I'll Never Betray You

After watching the sun sink below the horizon, I went to get dinner as Mahiru had ordered. She’d been right, of course. Getting some food in me restored my energy and made things feel at least a bit less bleak. I even managed to make some pleasant small talk with the people who were there eating at the same time. No one else pried into why I’d been out of sorts all day, which I was grateful for. I wasn’t ready to deal with more probing questions.

And now, here I was. Standing in front of Gundham’s cottage. I took a deep, steadying breath, raised my hand, and paused, my fist inches from the door. Despite thinking about it all day, I still had no idea what I wanted to say to him. But I needed to say something, so I was just going to have to figure it out as I went. When I felt as ready as I was going to, I rapped my knuckles against the wood.

Gundham generally took a while to open the door, but this time the delay was even longer than usual. Just as I was getting ready to knock again before giving up and going home, it opened a crack and his red eye peeked out. Was it just the darkness, or was his face paler than usual?

“Oh. Hajime.” That was odd. I wasn’t sure he’d ever called me just Hajime before, instead of using my full name or simply referring to me as ‘you.’

“Hey, Gundham,” I said cautiously, craning my neck to try and see inside. There was a bit of a pause, during which my heart dropped into my stomach as I had a sudden fear that he would tell me to leave. Eventually, however, he slowly opened the door. “I wanted to- huh? Are you okay?” He looked frazzled and his hair was messed up as if he’d been in a scuffle. More pressingly, he was gripping his left arm, bereft of its usual bandages and covered in blood.

“I am fine.” Despite his claim, he was grimacing. “I merely succumbed to carelessness.”

“I’ve got a first aid kit in my cottage, come on.” I motioned for him to follow as I turned and jogged towards my door at the other end of the boys’ pier.

“My wounds are not serious,” he insisted, but trailed behind me anyway.

Back in my cottage, I gestured for him to sit on the bed then hurried into the bathroom to grab my first aid kit and run a clean towel under some water before joining him. “So, what happened?” I asked as I sat down and flipped open the box. I wasn’t exactly an expert in this stuff, but I figured we could go to Mikan if anything looked like it needed more care than I could manage.

Gundham muttered something angry and indistinct into his scarf, but before I could ask him to repeat himself he raised his voice and began to explain. “After your visit today, my Four Dark Devas of Destruction were more excitable than usual. There have been several altercations that required my intervention. During the most recent, calamity befell.”

“This is going to sting a bit,” I interrupted.

“Tch!” He winced as I dabbed at his scratches with antiseptic. Just as he’d said, they weren’t too bad now that I took a close look at them. But he must have left them to bleed for some time, which had made them seem a lot worse at first glance. I noticed too that his arm was absolutely covered in old scars, a few of them quite large.

After bracing himself against the pain, he continued. “The cage supplied in my cottage has abysmal construction. As I reached in to separate Jum-P and Maga-Z, my wrappings caught on some protruding wire and tore apart. This caused a great shaking of the structure, which panicked my Devas. In the ensuing pandæmonium, I sustained multiple injuries.”

“Oh, gosh.” The whole scene sounded a bit comical, but I could tell Gundham was in no mood to laugh about it so I wasn’t going to either. “Are the Devas okay? I can imagine how terrifying something like that must be for such small creatures.” 

He grinned as if I’d answered a tricky question correctly. “Despite your professed lack of experience, you have shown excellent instincts in your interactions with demon beasts.” I raised a skeptical eyebrow at him and, somewhat uncharacteristically, he clarified. “Most people would not have asked after their welfare. Of course, I ensured their safety and comfort before tending to my own wounds. I employed many secret techniques to adequately calm their nerves.”

I supposed I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the Ultimate Breeder, but I was surprised at the amount of selflessness he’d shown in such a situation. Some of those scratches looked like they’d really hurt, but he’d made sure the hamsters were okay before even wiping the blood off his arm. I wondered briefly if he’d be capable of something like that towards a person if he cared about them enough. I tried not to let myself wonder if that person could ever be me.

We sat in comfortable silence for a while as I continued to clean the drying blood off his arm and dress his wounds. Despite the unusual intimacy of the situation, there was no awkwardness between us. It felt nice being able to do something like this for him, and he didn’t seem to mind the amount of touching involved. As I was putting the finishing touches on his bandages, Gundham finally spoke. “This cottage almost looks unoccupied. I do not see anything that marks it as uniquely yours.”

That was something that had been weighing on me. I’d been inside a few peoples’ cottages and they’d all been given decorations positively dripping with personality, as well as equipment for their talents. All I’d been provided with was that gaudy shelf Monokuma wanted me to put his hidden plushies on. At first, I’d wondered if it was a clue about my forgotten talent, but I’d become more and more certain that it was just some kind of cruel metaphor.

I tried not to let the depths of my self-doubt show when I responded. “Well, I haven’t remembered my talent yet. I don’t know what kind of stuff I’d need to keep around for it.”

“Nevertheless,” Gundham pressed. “There must be some things you recall. What accoutrements have adorned your dwellings in the past?”

“Huh.” I stared at my empty walls, frowning with the effort of digging through my fragmented memories. “Most of it is still pretty fuzzy. I remember studying a lot. So, books I guess? I read manga, played video games, that kind of thing. Just normal teenager stuff, nothing special. And anyway, I haven’t had much time for any of that here.”

“You seem to have had plenty of time to spend with me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded, suddenly flustered. “Am I annoying you?”

“For a human, I find your company tolerable.” Gundham let the silence hang in the air for a moment as I tried to figure out if I should feel good about that comment or not. “It seems as though you think it is only your talent that gives you a right to leave a mark upon this world.”

I couldn’t really refute that, so I shrugged. “It is the most important thing about each of us, and I don’t remember mine at all. I guess I feel like whatever wiped my memories took my personality with it. I’m like half a person.”

He laughed derisively at my self-deprecation. “Do not speak like Komaeda. If you truly are at only half your power, the world will tremble at your feet when you are whole once more.”

Despite his tone, that had been an unusually nice sentiment from him, and hearing it made me smile. “I’m glad someone has confidence in me at least. When you say it like that, I can almost believe you.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment before cutting directly to the heart of this conversation with a single incisive question. “Is my talent truly the most important thing about me to you?”

I was completely taken aback. I hadn’t expected my interior decorating to lead to such an intense conversation. We’d never talked so candidly before and I felt like Gundham was trying to figure something out, although I had no idea what. The bizarre sensation of my psyche being dissected and exposed was making me more than a little uncomfortable. “No, if I think about it I guess it isn’t,” I said slowly.

“What is?”

Those two words seemed to slide their way past my ribs, grip my heart, and squeeze. My mind raced and I could feel a cold sweat beading on the back of my neck. What the hell was happening right now? I had to take a few calming breaths before I could respond. “Well, um, I guess it’s the way you are. Sorry, I know that’s too vague. I mean… it’s things like the way we talk to each other, the time we spend together, the things I’ve learned from you. The way I feel when I’m around you. I like how you are with animals, but you’re right. It doesn’t define who you are to me.”

He looked away and blushed, pulling up his scarf to hide most of his face. He’d done that a few times before and seeing it now I realized that it was that blush, that awkward pose, that had made me so interested in him in the first place. I’d known from the first time I saw it that I had to find out just who exactly he was hiding under that dark persona.

“You know, you’re really cute when you blush like that,” I said absently, lost in my thoughts. Gundham’s face snapped back towards me and I turned red too as I realized I had been babbling and blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. His piercing gaze, unbreakable as a steel bar, held mine as a tense silence spread out between us, reminiscent of the one from this morning. But this time, Cham-P wasn’t there to break it for us.

We stayed like that for a long while, staring at each other’s red faces, before Gundham spoke. He fingered the edge of his scarf nervously but tried to speak in his typical imperious manner. “Do you use such a word thinking it will strip me of my powers? Reduce the Supreme Overlord of Ice to the level of a mere human? I thought you claimed not to be a Kotodama user.”

I was finally able to tear my eyes away from him and stared down at my knees instead. To anyone else that probably would have sounded like Gundham’s usual posturing. But to me, in that moment, I recognized it as an attempt to give me an out. I could take his cue, turn this into a clumsy joke, and pretend it had never happened. And things would grow strange between us as something we both half knew and half suspected simmered under the surface of our every interaction. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t take that out. I couldn’t unsay what I had said. I just had to barrel on into the unknown.

Balling my hands into fists, I took a deep breath. “I told you before that I didn’t want to betray you,” I said quietly. “That probably includes lying, doesn’t it?”

“I recall a statement of intent on your part, but you made no vow. Why?” Gundham was still trying to sound casual, but I detected a hint of panic creeping into his voice. It seemed like it was my turn to drag him through a conversation he hadn’t been remotely prepared to deal with.

A small flame of annoyance at his charade flared up in my heart for a moment, but I calmed myself before responding. “Well then, I’ll make a promise. Gundham, I swear I’ll never betray you. No matter what it costs me.”

“Brave words. Foolish, but brave.” He sounded dismissive, but I saw the pleased smile playing on his lips.

“I’ve said before that your friendship is the most important thing I have on this island. That without it I’m not sure I could go on. I’d never want to do anything to jeopardize that.” Now that I had started, my resolve to carry this through to the end had spread a strange sense of calm throughout me. I felt like I had pushed a snowball down a long hill and now I just had to stand and watch as it rolled to the bottom, picking up all the thoughts and feelings I’d been mulling over for the past few days and coalescing them into something unstoppable.

“If you don’t feel the way I do, I completely understand and I won’t press you.” I spoke quickly now, the words rushing out of me before I could lose my nerve. “But I have to at least tell you that my feelings for you aren’t just friendship. I like you. I really, really like you, Gundham, and I want to be more than just your friend.”

The silence that followed was unbearable but mercifully short. “Hajime…” Gundham’s voice was soft, but I couldn’t identify the feelings behind it. I closed my eyes and braced myself, preparing for the worst. After another moment of silence I felt him shift on the bed beside me, and then his hands were on my cheeks. Before I knew what was happening, he had gently turned my face towards his and pressed his lips to mine.

My eyes slammed open in absolute shock and my body froze stiff. His own eyes, inches from mine, were closed. The kiss managed to feel equal parts fierce and tentative, and the only thing I could think about at that moment was how quintessentially Gundham that kind of dichotomy was. That, and how surprisingly soft those lips were.

It was over before I could recover from my shock enough to process what was happening, much less decide whether or not to start kissing him back. When he pulled away from me, he looked almost as surprised by what he’d just done as I did. It took me a moment to regain control of my body as we held each others’ gazes once more, and then I slowly raised a hand to touch my lips. They were damp, proof that I hadn’t hallucinated what had just happened.

He stood up suddenly from the bed, his back going straight as a rod. “I must go,” he declared as he turned on his heel with the grace of a dancer. His coat and scarf billowed out behind him dramatically as he hurried to the door.

“Gundham, wait!” I managed to cry out at the last moment. He froze, fingertips brushing the door handle as his clothes fluttered and stilled around him, but didn’t turn around. My mind was a complete blank. What could I possibly say? In the end, as silence stretched out between us for what I knew would be the final time that day, all I could come up with was a weak, “That was… nice.”

He stood at the door for another moment, still as a statue, before wordlessly pushing it open and striding off into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is! The first scene to start kicking around in my brain, and basically the reason I started writing this whole fanfic in the first place. Hope everyone's been enjoying it so far, because we're just getting started!
> 
> And now for some of the fanart I promised at the end of last chapter! I actually wrote this scene before seeing this particular piece, but it's cute and relevant so here's an adorable sprite edit of [Hajime blushing!](https://www.reddit.com/r/danganronpa/comments/ah8tn9/flushed_hajime_hinata_sprite_edit/) That's exactly his face when he realizes what he just said to Gundham.


	5. Use Me

The Monokuma announcement woke me that morning from a fitful sleep. I didn’t even remember finally losing consciousness. I’d tossed and turned for hours, my thoughts leaving blazing trails across my mind as I tried to analyze what had just happened. I had no idea what was going on in Gundham’s head when he left. Did he regret what he’d done? Or was he just overwhelmed? Would this be the start of something wonderful, or the death of our friendship? Questions and conjectures shot through my mind like fireworks, giving me no peace. Eventually, though, I must have been tired enough to drift off.

I dragged myself out of bed and over to the restaurant, exhausted in both body and soul. It was crowded like it usually was in the mornings, but I was too tired to participate in the lively discussions. Instead, I stared off into space, slowly eating my food as a couple of petty arguments broke out. I wanted to talk to Mahiru, but she wasn’t there. At least Akane claimed to have seen her this morning, so we didn’t have to worry about her being missing. Gundham was also notably absent, but since most of the others tended to ignore him it took a while for someone to bring it up.

“Where is Gundham this morning?” It was Sonia who eventually asked. “It is not like him to miss breakfast.” I was pretty sure he was fine and just avoiding me, but I also didn’t exactly feel like volunteering that information so I kept my mouth shut.

“Oh yeah, I saw him too,” Akane answered between giant mouthfuls of food. “He said he didn’t have time for our petty mortal concerns this morning. Or somethin’ like that, you know how he talks.”

“I see.” Sonia sounded disappointed. “Well, I am glad that he is at least safe.”

“I’m not.” Kazuichi’s voice grated on me almost as much as his terrible words. I had to grit my teeth and ball my hands into fists as he went on, suppressing the urge to yell at him. “If Fuyuhiko isn’t the next killer, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be that shifty bastard. If he gets taken out next, the rest of us will only be better off.”

Sonia’s hand flew to her mouth in shock. “What a horrible thing to say!”

“Shut up, Kazuichi,” I said, quietly but dangerously. I realized as I heard my own raspy voice that those were the first words I’d spoken all morning.

He seemed like he was going to protest, but decided against it after one look at my face. An awkward silence descended, marking the end of our morning of convivial banter, so I quickly finished up my food. There were some whispers and quite a few glances in my direction as I left. Between yesterday and this morning, I hoped I wasn’t developing a reputation for being moody.

Back outside, I took in a few deep breaths of fresh ocean air, trying to calm my nerves. I didn’t want to return to my cottage just to sit around feeling anxious, but I wasn’t feeling up to walking around all day again either. The lounge chairs arrayed around the pool looked like an inviting compromise, so I decided to lay down and do some thinking. However, when I closed my eyes with the pleasant tropical sun on my face and the soothing sounds of the waves drifting over from the nearby beach, I almost immediately dozed off.

* * *

Sometime later I awoke to someone prodding at my shoulder. “Hey! Hajime!” I opened my eyes to see Kazuichi’s face, sporting an apologetic grin.

“What do you want?” My annoyance was clear in my tone.

“Hey man, sorry for what I said about Gundham. I mean, I still don’t like him or trust him, but I know he’s your friend. And hey, maybe if you soften him up he won’t off anyone after all.”

“What kind of apology is that?” I demanded, utterly appalled.

He just shrugged and changed the subject as if that was all that needed to be said on the matter. “Anyway, I need you to meet me at the supermarket at 2:30. It’s really important, okay? And don’t tell anyone.”

“What? Why?” I couldn’t keep up with this guy.

“I’ll let you know when we’re there. Just be on time, alright?”

“I’m seriously not in the mood today, Kazuichi.”

“Awww, come on Hajime. There’s no one else I can ask. Please?”

Sighing, I relented. I _was_ curious, and doing something to distract me from my feelings about Gundham might be a good idea. “Okay, fine. I’ll be there. But if it’s something stupid, I’m leaving.”

“Alright!” Kazuichi beamed. “You won’t be disappointed. See ya!” 

While he trotted off, I settled back down to relax. But I had barely closed my eyes when I was interrupted again. “Hey, Hajime.” It was Mahiru this time. She must have returned to the hotel while I was napping. “Have you talked to him yet?”

I propped myself up on my elbows and glanced around. No one else seemed to be in the area so it seemed like as good an opportunity as any to talk. “Yeah, I did. Kind of.”

“How’d it go?”

“I honestly have no idea.”

“I’m sorry.” She shifted from one foot to another and glanced around. “Listen, I have something important I need to go do right now, but I can come by and talk about it with you later if you want.”

My face fell and I wasn’t able to keep the disappointment out of my voice. “Oh, okay.”

“I’m sorry, but I promise I’ll be able to listen to you tonight. I also need to ask you a big favor.”

I honestly wasn’t feeling up to doing anything but laying around right now, but she’d helped me yesterday and I felt like I owed her. “Yeah, sure. What is it?”

“Nagito’s still tied up in the old building and he needs someone to bring him food. I was going to do it today but I need to go somewhere. Could you take him something for me? Please?”

* * *

A shiver ran down my spine as I stood with a tray in front of the dining room door in the old building. When I’d first met Nagito I’d gotten the sense that his nice guy act was a front, but I hadn’t even begun to guess just how off the deep end he was underneath. The side of himself he’d revealed during the trial had shaken me to the core. I didn’t understand how someone could think the way he did, and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to find out. But I wasn’t here to socialize, I was here to do Mahiru a favor. So I braced myself and turned the doorknob.

“Hajime?” Nagito’s eerily soft voice drifted over to me through the dimly lit room as I shouldered my way in. “My luck is with me today! I’ve missed that cute face of yours.”

 _Ugh._ I shuddered again with revulsion, sincerely hoping that Gundham hadn’t felt anything like that when I’d called him cute. “I’m not here to chat, just to drop off some food,” I said harshly.

“Hmm, I’m afraid that’s not entirely an option. I’m a little… tied up, you see?” His jovial laugh was completely at odds with his current circumstances. Taking a closer look, I saw that, in addition to tying his legs together, his captors had chained his hands behind his back. There’d be no way for him to feed himself. I silently cursed Mahiru for not telling me I was going to have to spoon food into this creep’s mouth.

“You know, you impressed me at the trial.” He struggled up onto his knees as I knelt silently beside him. “Your hope shone into the hearts of every other person there. It must truly have been Ultimate Luck for a nobody like me to have gotten to witness it.”

I held a spoonful up to his face. “Shut up and eat.” He closed his mouth around it and pulled the food off slowly, looking up at me with suggestively half-lidded eyes through his mess of pale hair the entire time. I hoped the dim light would hide my embarrassed flush.

“Trash like me doesn’t deserve to have so many Ultimates caring about his well-being like this,” he continued as I got another spoonful ready for him. “It makes me even more determined to be useful to you all. To do whatever I can to help your hope reach its fullest potential. Have you considered taking advantage of me?”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” I was so shocked I dropped the spoon, getting food all down the front of his shirt.

There was a manic edge to his laugh this time and his eyes started to get that crazed look he had debuted to us during the trial. “Why, my offer to let one of you use me as a stepping stone to achieving greater hope of course! You’d be my first choice, you know. Oh, but if you had something else in mind, I’m all ears. You’ve got me here on my knees, after all.” He shuffled closer to me.

“Shut up! What the hell is wrong with you?” I shoved him away, completely unable to believe what I was hearing.

He laughed at my outburst as he fell forward onto the ground. “Well, this could be fun too.” His voice was low and seductive. I couldn’t take any more of this, so I stood to go. “Wait, Hajime!” He sounded more normal again. “I’m hungry. Please stay, I’ll be good.”

Not even Nagito deserved to starve. Gritting my teeth, I knelt back down and pulled him up to his knees again. I immediately regretted doing it roughly, because he just seemed to enjoy it. “Aren’t you going to clean me up?” He wiggled his chest at me.

Ignoring that, I brought another spoonful up to his mouth. “I’m going to stay here and feed you for three minutes, and then I’m leaving. If you want to spend that time talking instead of eating, that’s your choice.”

He sighed with bliss. “Even being put in my place by an Ultimate like you gives me hope. Your strength of personality is a joy to behold.” Thankfully, he seemed to decide that was enough and ate silently until his three minutes were up. When I stood to go, however, he couldn’t just leave it at that. Licking his pale lips, he stared up at me through disheveled hair. “I hope you come visit me again, Hajime. Please, use me however you want.”

I turned and fled, Nagito’s uncanny laughter chasing me all the way down the drab hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene partially inspired by some SFW but mildly suggestive fanart of [Nagito](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/6e/7d/c1/6e7dc1a2438f03dcde1bc74fad80fa10.jpg).
> 
> Biiiit of a different vibe this chapter, hope it wasn't too jarring. [Poor Hajime](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/7d/55/74/7d5574932835c24a54c95b4c81370015.jpg) is not having a good day. Next chapter will be fluffier! Maybe we'll get to see what Gundham has to say about last night. Who knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	6. Meeting Halfway

After my discomfiting interaction with Nagito, I returned to my cottage and fell face-first onto my bed. I lay there indulging in some exhausted self-pity for a while before hearing a knock on my door. Letting out a frustrated groan, I struggled to my feet and angrily pulled it open. Could I not have any peace today? “What is it this- oh.”

Gundham had never come to visit me before. Usually, I was the one who went and tracked him down when I had some time to kill. But here he was, standing before my cottage, fiddling awkwardly with his scarf. “May I enter? I have matters I wish to discuss with you.”

“Yeah, of course.” I stepped aside and held the door open for him. Before coming in, he bent down to pick something up and for the first time, I noticed the small bookcase he’d brought with him. He grunted as he lifted it.

“Uhh, what’s that for?” was all I could think to ask as he carried it in and set it down in a convenient spot.

“You said that you have kept tomes in your room in the past. I believe this will prove useful if you choose to do so again.”

“Oh. Where did you even get this?” I ran a hand over it, picking up a lot of dust.

“I acquired it from the room which houses the entrance to the dark passageway beneath the old building. I recalled seeing it when searching for a way to retrieve my Hell Hound earring.”

The old building. I shuddered as I thought about Nagito again. Despite being physically restrained, he had been in complete control of our interaction today and I’d fled from him in terror. Even chained to a floor he felt like the biggest threat on the island. 

That wasn’t important right now though, so I did my best to push all thoughts of him out of my mind as I sat down on the sofa. “That was really thoughtful, thank you. Um, what did you want to talk about?” I didn’t think I needed to ask, but I wanted to give Gundham the chance to approach this conversation on his own terms. The fact that he’d brought me a gift seemed like a good sign. I’d given him a few little things I’d found around the place that I thought he might like, but he’d never done the same until now.

He crossed his arms and looked away before speaking carefully as if he’d rehearsed his words in front of a mirror. “I feel that I must apologize for my actions last night.”

My heart dropped a little. “Oh. Which ones, exactly?”

He struggled with himself for a moment before responding, his voice angry. That ire seemed directed at himself, however, not me. “I acted without thought, then fled like a coward!”

I wondered if it was the kiss he regretted, or the running away. Either way, I didn’t think asking directly would be fruitful. “I don’t think you’re a coward Gundham,” I sighed, my exhaustion and resignation clear in my voice. “Really, it’s probably me who should be apologizing. I was planning to tell you how I felt at some point, but I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that. God, I feel like such an idiot.” I buried my face in my hands and swore into them.

He took a single step towards me, then stopped. “You have done nothing that requires an apology,” he said firmly. “To confront one as powerful as I in such a direct fashion took great daring.”

“I appreciate the sentiment.” My words came out a bit muffled through my hands, which I hoped would disguise the bitterness creeping into my tone. I knew that I still didn’t understand Gundham’s feelings about everything and that getting upset with him right now would be the exact opposite of helpful, but I was so tired I couldn’t completely suppress the frustration and perceived rejection bubbling up inside me.

“As I predicted, your proximity to me has hurt you in the end.” He was quiet as if speaking to himself. I heard him take another halting step towards me, then another. Then, suddenly, he was kneeling in front of me, trying to peer at my face through my fingers. “That is something I never wished for.”

Tears blurred my vision when I finally looked up at him, but I could see the concern in his expression. “‘Anything that can talk will eventually betray you,’” he quoted himself from a few days before. “Although it was without intent, it seems I have done something to teach you the truth in those words.” He grabbed the edge of his scarf and brought it up to my face, using it to wipe away some of the tears that had started to fall down my cheeks.

I was more confused than ever, and I couldn’t take it anymore. “Gundham, please. I need to know if you feel the same way or not. Like I said before, it’s okay if you don’t. If you just want to be friends, then I’m happy to be your friend. But I need to know one way or another. You’re not as easy to read as I am,” I laughed weakly, “so I need you to spell it out for me.”

He wasn’t going to make it quite that easy for me, though. “Have you had feelings such as these before? For others, I mean.” He was fingering his scarf again, avoiding my eyes.

“I’ve had a few crushes, I guess. Nothing really serious though.”

“And has it always been… other men?”

I had no idea where he was going with this, but I decided to humor him for now. I wasn’t going to let him leave this time without giving me a straight answer, but if he needed to beat around the bush a bit to get there, fine. “No. Actually, they’ve all been girls before now. But most of my friends growing up were girls. I haven’t been close with many guys.” The tangent Gundham had taken this conversation on gave me a chance to compose myself and wipe away the last of my tears. “What about you?”

“Such involvements have never interested me. I have never felt the need to acknowledge humans in this fashion.” If there had been any way for my shoulders to slump further they would have. That was kind of unusual for someone our age, but I had no reason not to take his word for it. Part of me had feared that he wasn’t interested in relationships at all, so it wasn’t a big surprise. Just as I was resigning myself to this unwelcome fact, however, his next words made my heart leap into my throat. “Before now.”

I had to gulp before I felt capable of speaking. “And… do they interest you now?” I asked cautiously.

Gundham opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. My heart started to pound against my ribs as he closed his eyes, a deep blush spreading across his face. When he opened them again and looked into mine, all he could manage was a small nod.

But that was enough. Carefully, like I was touching a precious and delicate piece of art, I reached up to brush his cheek with my fingertips. He reached up too, grabbing my hand and pressing it to his warm, flushed face. Slowly, giving him plenty of time to pull away if he didn’t want this, I leaned in towards him. My heart skipped a beat when he leaned in too, meeting me halfway.

This kiss was nothing like the last one. It started out so tentatively as if each of us feared the other would break away and flee if we pressed too hard. We were stuck like that for a while, both of us too scared to escalate. Gundham finally broke our stalemate by placing a hand gently on my waist.

His touch set my soul on fire and I grabbed his face firmly, kissing him harder. He brought one hand up to cradle the back of my head and I couldn’t believe how good it felt to have those fingers weaving themselves into my hair. While our kiss deepened, he slid his other hand around to my back, pulling me close. I went gladly, letting myself get lost in the warmth of his body. It felt like we were locked there forever, and I never wanted it to end.

But eventually, breathlessly, we broke apart. He looked as dazed as I felt, and we were both panting. I let go of his face and sank back into the sofa as he released me in turn, then stared at the ceiling for a while, my mind adrift in a pleasant fog. When I felt like I had properly regained at least some of my ability to think, I looked back down. Gundham was sitting on the floor, leaning back on his hands and staring up at the ceiling too. When he sensed me looking at him, he turned his face to meet mine.

“Well,” I said frankly. “That is not where I was expecting this conversation would go.”

He laughed. It was so unlike anything I’d heard from him before that he almost sounded like a different person. It was a deep laugh full of relief and genuine mirth, and it went on for long enough that I couldn’t help but join in. He threw himself back onto the floor, his laughter fading away naturally. The Devas, who must have been napping in his scarf until now, popped out at his sudden change of position and started scurrying around on his person. Getting up off the sofa, I went and lay down next to him. We stared at the ceiling together again, listening to the hamsters squeaking as they settled in on his chest.

“What do we do now?” he asked, turning his head towards me.

“I have no idea. I want to kiss you more later.”

He found my hand with his and squeezed it gently. I squeezed back and turned to look at him too. Right now, all I wanted was to stay like this, holding his hand and looking at the face that had suddenly become the center of my world. Seeing it reflect my own excitement, nervousness, and glee, I felt an entire mountain of stress lift away from me, leaving my body light as air. I had never seen so much emotion on Gundham’s face, and it felt good knowing I was the one who’d put it there.

Riding the pleasant high of that kiss together, we talked for a while about nothing very much. Eventually, I glanced at the clock and was astonished at how much time had slipped away. “Oh, shit.” I sat up. “I told Kazuichi I’d meet him somewhere today.”

The mention of his self-appointed rival brought a slight scowl to Gundham’s previously cheerful face. “What does that low fiend want with you?”

“I have no idea. He told me to meet him at the market and he’d explain there.”

“I see. Then I shall return to my solitude.” Despite obviously trying to hide it, Gundham looked dejected and I couldn’t stand the thought of abandoning him right now for Kazuichi, of all people.

“Why don’t you come too?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kiss partially inspired by the [cutest picture on the internet.](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/90/b4/d6/90b4d6528c8c61c4e1d5384ffd8beac8.jpg)


	7. An Incident in the Diner

Kazuichi kept us waiting at the market for an annoyingly long time. I didn’t mind though, because it meant getting more time alone with Gundham. This was the most I’d ever enjoyed his company, and I was having a hard time keeping an elated grin off my face any time I looked at him. I was pretty sure I’d seen him smiling more since that kiss than during all of our previous interactions combined.

When Kazuichi finally did arrive, he wasn’t happy. “I said not to tell anyone. Why’d you bring him?”

I gave a noncommittal shrug. “We were hanging out. Why’d you want me to come, anyway?”

“I just wanted _you_ here, Hajime,” he said, ignoring my attempt to move the conversation along.

“Then I will not go where my presence is not welcome,” Gundham interjected stiffly, turning to leave. “I have more important matters to attend to.”

“I want you here.” My words stopped him in his tracks. “Come on, Kazuichi, just spit it out. We’re a package deal on this one.”

“Ugh, fine.” He explained his plan to stage a coincidence at the diner and get in on the girls’ secret beach party.

I gave him a skeptical look when he was finished. “So, you need a stooge to help you ogle girls?”

“Aww, don’t say it like that. And come on, that’s not the only reason. I don’t want to be left out. They keep doing girls-only stuff! We can’t do guys-only stuff because we’re the only two who aren’t completely insane. Er, sorry Gundham.”

“Kehehe,” Gundham cackled. “It is understandable that I would appear that way to one as lowly as yourself. For the motives of a dark being such as I are truly beyond your ability to comprehend.”

“See what I mean? C’mon, Hajime!”

I considered it for a bit. A day at the beach actually sounded pretty fun, and Gundham looked pleased with the idea. “Okay, fine. Just try not to be a huge creep.”

“Aww yeah!” Kazuichi cheered, giving me one of his broad, sharp-toothed grins. “I brought swimsuits for both of us, so we’re all good to go! Uh, I don’t have one for Gundham though.”

After deciding Gundham would retrieve one back at the hotel on his own and rendezvous with us at the diner, we parted ways. “Why’d you really bring him, anyway?” Kazuichi asked when he was out of earshot.

“I told you, we were hanging out. I didn’t want to bail on him when I didn’t even know what you wanted me for.”

“Why do you spend so much time with him? I mean, I’ll admit he’s not Fuyuhiko, but he’s still an asshole.”

“Not to me. And not to most people who aren’t always talking about how much they want to beat him up,” I added pointedly, referring to some of the times he’d threatened Gundham for simply daring to open his mouth in Sonia’s presence. He just rolled his eyes. “Anyway, he’s interesting. One way or another, it’s impossible to be bored with him around.”

“Miss Sonia’s not even gonna notice me with him there. You know how they are.” He was starting to sulk.

“Trust me, he’s not the reason she isn’t interested in you. And he doesn’t even like her that way.”

“Whaaat? I can’t believe any guy wouldn’t want to be with Miss Sonia. And how do you know?”

I wasn’t about to tell him that it was because I knew exactly who Gundham was actually interested in, so I stayed vague. “Because we talk about stuff.”

“How do you get a guy like him to talk about that kind of stuff?”

“Patience,” I sighed. I had a lot of that for Gundham, but I was running out of it for Kazuichi.

* * *

Gundham didn’t take much time to catch up with us at the diner, and the three of us settled in for our long wait. Apart from a brief altercation with Fuyuhiko, time passed uneventfully as the girls showed up in ones and twos. Eventually, Sonia arrived and gave us the okay to join their party. Nearly excited enough to swoon, Kazuichi handed me the extra swimsuit he’d brought.

“What the hell is this?” I stared aghast at the speedo in my hands.

“What? What’s wrong?” Kazuichi asked.

“How can you not see what’s wrong?” I held it up to demonstrate how small it was. “Who the hell wears something like this? My actual underwear is less revealing!” Even if I was comfortable showing off the rest of my body, I didn’t want to have to explain my unmistakable lack of a bulge to everyone.

“I thought you’d be confident enough to pull it off. Hey, what’s up with him? It’s not like he’s gonna be wearing them.”

I looked over at Gundham, sitting next to me in the booth, to see him blushing and hiding his face in his scarf in that way that had made me fall for him. Unlike Kazuichi and, to a far lesser extent, myself, Gundham hadn’t had much of a reaction to the girls as they’d shown up in their revealing swimsuits. But now that this one was on the table… a mischievous urge took hold of me as I realized the source of his embarrassment. “Well,” I sighed, feigning reluctance. “If it’s my only option I guess I’ll have to wear it.”

Gundham stood up suddenly, banging his knee on the table nearly hard enough to knock it over into Kazuichi’s lap. “Fuck!” he screamed, startling everyone in the diner - including his hamsters, who leaped out of his scarf and started scrabbling frantically all over his head and shoulders. I was just as surprised by his use of such a common curse as by the shouting itself. We all stared silently after him as he staggered outside, doubled over and clutching his leg.

I waited until I was absolutely certain he wouldn’t be able to hear me, then burst out laughing.

“What the hell was that?” Kazuichi asked incredulously.

I waited for my laughter to die down, then wiped the tears from my eyes. Not bothering to answer, I got up, making a point to be more careful than Gundham had. “I’m gonna go make sure he’s okay.”

I found him sitting on the ground outside, rubbing his knee gingerly and trying to get the Devas to calm down and return to his scarf. I sat down beside him. “Did you break anything?”

“I do not believe so,” he grumbled, fingering his cheek where one of the hamsters had left a long, shallow scratch in its panic.

“Maybe we should get Mikan to take a look. You’d probably have to take your pants off, but I bet she’s used to that kind of thing.”

“That is not an option!” He sounded more distressed by the suggestion than by the pain in his knee.

“Why not? That sounded pretty bad, and it’s better to be safe, right? I know it’s weird to let a girl see you in your underwear, but she’s basically a doctor.”

He looked like he was struggling for an excuse. The one he finally came up with caused my jaw to drop. “My undergarments cannot be perceived by those of a low astral level!”

I wasn’t about to buy that he had magical underpants, so… was he just way too embarrassed to let anyone see them? Or was he really telling me he didn’t wear any? I decided not to dig deeper. For now. “Well, you brought swim trunks, right? You can change into those.”

“Hmph. That is acceptable.”

I helped Gundham up and supported him back into the diner. Even though the circumstances were less than ideal, it felt nice to have his arm around my shoulder. Kazuichi practically skipped with joy out past us, saying he was going to go start getting things ready for everyone at the beach.

Gundham changed quickly in the bathroom then sat down to let Mikan look at his leg. He insisted that she wear gloves, and still had to grit his teeth and clench his hands into fists to tolerate her touch. It didn’t take her long and I was surprised at how professional and almost confident she was acting. Just as she was finishing her examination and saying that everything looked fine, things abruptly became anything but fine.

_*Ding dong dong ding*_

Multiple times a day we heard the jaunty little tune that heralded a Monokuma announcement. This one though, we had only heard once before. It was the rising tones that only played when-

“A body has been discovered!” Monokuma’s horribly cheerful voice came out of the monitor like a bucket of ice water being dumped on my head. There were gasps all around the diner as the body discovery announcement continued, exactly the same as it had been last time.

After a stunned silence, the girls started to disperse, rushing back to their cottages to change. Eventually, Gundham and I were left alone, sitting on opposite sides of a booth.

“No…” I whispered, staring down at the table without seeing it. “I don’t want to do this again.”

Gundham got up carefully, testing his knee. It must have been feeling better because he stood up straight and reached out a hand to me. When I took it, he pulled me effortlessly to my feet. I hadn’t realized it before because of all the layers he wore, but he was quite strong. Putting his hands on my shoulders, he looked intensely into my eyes. “Hajime. I know you are tired. But we need you at your full power if we are to get through this. You proved yourself necessary to our victory during the last trial. You _are_ strong enough to do it again.”

His voice made it a statement of fact, as incontrovertible as the law of gravity. I breathed deeply, steadying my nerves. I wasn’t sure why he had that much faith in me, but knowing he did helped me more than I could have imagined possible.

“Okay.” To my surprise, my voice didn’t quaver at all. “Let’s go find the others. Oh, uh… you should put your pants back on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene inspired by a [mildly NSFW Hinadam](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/158109388666) picture by Huyandere. She has a lot of Hinadam art on her tumblr blog and it's all _adorable_.
> 
> [Beach party for the boys!](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/29315367) If only it had worked out.


	8. You're Not Poison

After losing more classmates at another harrowing trial, we walked slowly as a group back to the hotel. Already we had lost nearly a third of our number, and as much as we all wanted to believe that would be the end of it, none of us could muster that kind of optimism. When we arrived at the hotel and went our separate ways, I told Gundham I wanted to talk about something and followed him to his cottage. Once inside, I collapsed on his sofa and he sat down beside me.

“What did you wish to discuss with me?”

“Honestly, nothing,” I sighed heavily. “I just didn’t want to be alone for a bit longer, and the others were around so I made up an excuse. I can leave if you want me to.”

“No, I welcome your company. Out of all humans’, I find it the least tiresome.”

Relieved, I leaned into him and placed my head on his shoulder. “Oh, is that alright?” I twisted up to look up at him. He was blushing and had a slightly pained look on his face, but he nodded. “Are you sure?” He nodded again more forcefully and San-D popped out of his scarf to investigate the disturbance. “Okay. I know you don’t really like touching people so let me know if you ever need me to back off. I won’t be upset or anything.”

As if to reassure me, he put an arm around my shoulder and started stroking my hair. No one had ever done that to me before, not even my parents when I was a child. Suddenly, I understood why those hamsters seemed to calm down so much when he pet them like this. The world went soft, like the air had turned to warm cotton, and I could feel myself starting to drift off. “You have already proven immune to the poison coursing through my veins,” Gundham said, addressing my concern in his typical indirect manner. “But if I think that is about to change, I will inform you before you can come to any harm.”

“You’re not poison, Gundham.” I closed my eyes and nestled into him. “How could anything so sweet be poison…?” I trailed off, barely even aware of what I was saying. Gundham’s hand stopped on my head and it seemed like he was going to say something. But after a moment he continued his gentle petting in silence.

* * *

_*Ding Dong, Bing Bong*_

The sound of the Monokuma announcement woke me once more, but this time it was dark out. “It is now 10 P.M.” came the voice that I had grown to hate so deeply in such a short time. I tuned out the rest.

“Wha?” I muttered. There was something heavy on my head. Upon remembering where I was I realized it must have been Gundham’s own, resting on mine. He lifted it away when he felt me shifting, but there was still something else there. Reaching up, I felt a lump of soft fur in my hair and laughed. “A little help here?”

“Hmm? Oh.” Gundham removed the hamster for me and I sat up.

“Hey, little buddy,” I yawned, reaching out to pet it as Gundham placed it on his newly vacated shoulder. It was Cham-P, who seemed to have taken quite the shine to me. “I’m glad they like me.”

Gundham smiled, looking pleased. “Animals are excellent judges of character. You cannot fool or manipulate them with trickery and words. The only way to win their hearts is to be kind, gentle, and patient.”

I chuckled at the indirect compliment, reflecting on how that didn’t just apply to animals. I’d needed plenty of all those traits to befriend Gundham as well. Standing up, I stretched out my stiff muscles. “I should go. I need to get some sleep in an actual bed. Thank you for all your help today, I don’t think I could have done any of this without you.”

“Nonsense,” he scoffed. “You should know by now that one as powerful as I would not choose to partner myself with a weak mortal. You are more than you appear, although it seems you are still awakening to your true abilities.”

“Oh yeah?” I shot him a sly grin. “You think someday I’ll even have enough astral levels to see your underwear?”

“Ghrk-” His face froze.

Laughing, I leaned in to kiss him on the forehead then whisper in his ear. “Good night, Gundham.” I felt a small flare of satisfaction at getting a turn to stride off into the night leaving him stunned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short update today, but I hope you'll agree it was a cute one. We've got a handful of fluffy chapters left before things start taking a turn for the heavy, so enjoy these two being sickeningly happy together while it lasts.
> 
> This adorable nap inspired by another Huyandere piece of [the boys.](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/159306542291/island-mode-with-gundham-is-so-good) What a couple of cuties.


	9. Reunion

As Gundham and I started leaving the next day’s breakfast meeting to go explore the new island together, Sonia waved to get our attention. Since she was royalty I assumed she was skilled at putting up a fake smile, so the fact that I could see her straining to keep one on now probably meant she was experiencing considerable distress. “May I accompany you two today in your explorations?”

“Yeah, of course.” I could guess at the source of her reluctance to be left alone.

Sure enough, Kazuichi’s voice came from behind us. “Oh, can I come too?”

“It will be more efficient to search the island in smaller groups,” Gundham answered for us. “Placing more than a third of our number into one party will merely slow us down.” I wasn’t sure if Gundham was being sincere, just wanted to avoid Kazuichi himself, or had picked up on Sonia’s need for rescue. Regardless, I was impressed at his quick excuse. I smiled and waved apologetically to the miserable-looking Kazuichi as the three of us left together, and Sonia thanked us profusely as soon as we were out of earshot.

“Think nothing of it. Thwarting the plans of a low fiend like Soda takes little effort.” It seemed like Gundham had sensed her unspoken need after all.

“That’s what friends are for, right?” I smiled at her. Before now I hadn’t spent much time with Sonia, but she seemed to be the only other person on the island who genuinely liked Gundham instead of just tolerating him. I was looking forward to getting to know her better.

Spending time with the two of them that morning was like a balm on my soul. For a few hours, I could almost forget yesterday’s trial and the ones that were likely still to come. I could let myself feel like a regular high school student out with friends, doing nearly normal high school things. I asked Sonia about her home country and answered her questions about Japan. She shared that she had an interest in the occult, and she and Gundham both told me some strange stories. And all three of us talked at length about anime, which was apparently quite popular in Novoselic.

“Is this place seriously called the Titty Typhoon?” I asked in disbelief as we stood in front of what looked like a music venue later that afternoon.

“How crass!” Sonia cried.

“Tch. Human fancies will never cease to be opaque to me.” Gundham shook his head, baffled.

“I don’t think most people would understand this, Gundham.” I scratched my head, just as baffled. The whole island had been seedy, but this really took the cake. “Why is there an island like this anyway? Isn’t this supposed to be a resort?”

“You may recall the pamphlet I found in the library,” Sonia reminded me. “There were many inconsistencies and Monokuma hinted that all of the islands here are artificial. If this truly is not the real Jabberwock, it may never have been a resort.”

We were saved from having to investigate the building by the sound of Mikan calling out our names as she ran towards us. “You guuuuuys!” she wailed, stopping before us to catch her breath.

A jolt of panic rushed through me as I spotted the tears in her eyes. “What’s wrong, is someone hurt?”

“You should go to the hospital right away!”

Without even looking at the other two, I broke into a run. I couldn’t lose someone again so soon, I just couldn’t. My heart was pounding in my ears and the colors of the world around me started to look strange and washed out. Luckily, the hospital wasn’t very far. When I got there, I burst inside to see Akane in the lobby. “Where?” I panted as Gundham flew in right on my heels.

“Huh? Last room before the stairs. But why are you so excited?”

Not bothering to respond, I pushed open the door at the back of the lobby and sprinted through the hallway behind it. At last, I reached the door Akane had described. Twisting the handle, I bowled into it with my shoulder and it flew open hard, banging into the wall with a loud crack.

“What the fuck?” came a familiar voice, startled by the sound and my sudden appearance.

I stopped abruptly as I took in the unexpected scene before me. Gundham, running in just behind me again, slammed into my back and I would have fallen sprawled to the floor, but he moved like a striking snake and caught me by the collar. My legs had still gone out from under me though, so instead of pulling me up, he judged it wiser to lower me gently to my knees.

“Is he having a fucking stroke?” Fuyuhiko was sitting in a hospital bed, the afternoon light shining in pleasantly from a window. I stared at him, panting, unable to respond.

“I believe he was merely concerned for your welfare,” Gundham answered for me, patting my shoulder. His voice probably sounded normal to everyone else, but I could hear a bit of a teasing note in it. I was irrationally annoyed that he didn’t even sound out of breath and wondered how the hell he could be so athletic when I’d never seen him doing anything remotely similar to working out.

“Heey Hajime!” Ibuki sang. A handful of our other classmates had gotten here before us, and they were all grinning at my ridiculous entrance.

“This tired from just a bit of running? You should let me whip you into shape!” Nekomaru’s booming voice filled out every corner of the room and his good-natured chastisement was accompanied by a slap on the back so hard only Gundham’s strong hand on my shoulder stopped me from being thrown onto my face. Again.

“But Mikan… she said… I thought someone was hurt,” I managed to get out between huge gulps of air.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m fine.” Fuyuhiko gestured at his face, where his right eye was covered in bandages. “But I’m not about to die. You guys aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” That last sentence came out as a dark mutter.

“Fuyuhiko… I’m so glad you’re okay.” My earnestness was only slightly undermined by my lack of breath. “We were so worried about you.”

He gave me a skeptical look but didn’t have time to respond before Sonia’s voice broke in from the hallway. “Fuyuhiko?” She poked her head in, beamed, and ran to his bedside, throwing her arms around him. “You are all right!”

“Argh! Careful!” He grunted in pain.

As the others talked, Gundham offered me a hand and helped me struggle to my feet. My legs were wobbly and I almost leaned into him for support before remembering everyone else was here and using the wall instead. Since all their attention was on Fuyuhiko though, I judged it safe enough to give his hand a subtle squeeze before I let go, shooting him a grateful smile that made him blush and reach for his scarf.

More of our classmates arrived one by one, crowding into the small room. As the reunions continued, Fuyuhiko seemed surprised that we were all so happy to see him. He hadn’t exactly been a friend to any of us and was basically a murderer, but snatching any life from Monokuma’s jaws felt like a victory right now.

“Will you be joining us again for our breakfast meetings?” Sonia asked him.

“If you all want me there, I guess.” I never would have expected to see Fuyuhiko blush, but there it was, clear as day.

“Well, I certainly don’t.” Hiyoko’s voice came from the doorway, destroying the happy atmosphere with all the sudden force of a needle popping a balloon.

“Hiyoko,” I said, still slightly out of breath. “I know you miss Mahiru but we need to be a team right now. Monokuma is our real enemy here.”

“Don’t expect me to just forgive him! He’s the reason she’s dead, and Peko too! You’re all idiots if you think you can trust him. I’m not gonna let my guard down so he can club me to death like he did to Mahiru!” Leaving us with those words, she stormed out of the hospital in tears.

The silence she left in her wake was broken by Nagito of all people. “Well, I for one have hope that-”

“Don’t you even start,” I snapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any terribly relevant fanart for this chapter, so here's some random piece of [Fuyuhiko's heart breaking.](https://caramoccii.tumblr.com/post/148485444577/perhaps-peko-shielded-him-with-her-body-in)
> 
> We won't be seeing him again for a few chapters, but Fuyuhiko is going to start taking on an increasingly large role in things as we go on. Which I'm hyped about because he is so fun to write. He's one of the most interesting characters in the series, and I love trying to figure out how many curses I can stuff into his lines without it just sounding ridiculous.


	10. A Different Gundham

Later that night, I was laying around in my pajamas reading one of the books Gundham had given me when there came a sudden, frantic banging on my door. “What the hell?” I muttered, getting up to open it. It took me a moment to recognize Gundham, standing in the dark and looking around shiftily. He didn’t wait for an invitation before slipping past me and slamming the door shut behind himself. Once inside, he leaned against it looking relieved.

“What’s going on? Why are you…” I gestured vaguely at him. “Uh… déshabillé?” It was not a word I ever thought I’d have the opportunity to use, but, well. Here it was. Gundham’s hair was down, and damp as if he’d just gotten out of the shower. Perhaps more shockingly, he was missing his scarf, coat, and button-up, wearing only his purple-crossed white t-shirt. His face looked strange too and, apart from the obviously missing red contact lens, it took some close examination to figure out why. Almost everything about it was subtly different and I realized that he must normally wear makeup. Then I wondered why I’d never noticed that before.

“You have my gratitude for your prompt assistance.” That was the same old Gundham voice all right, but it sounded jarring coming out of him like this. He almost looked like a completely different person. “I do not believe my presence was divined by any others.”

“Okay, you’re welcome,” I said slowly. “But what are you doing here like this? Why didn’t you want to be seen?”

“I cannot let those fiends perceive me in this state. They could discover a weakness to exploit.”

“Yeah, about ‘this state.’ What’s going on?” I was completely at a loss. “Are you running from something?”

He started to look uncomfortable as if thinking he might have made a mistake in coming here. “Well, I was… about to go to bed,” he admitted, a bit sheepishly.

I sighed in relief. “Okay, thank goodness.”

Apparently recognizing the feelings underpinning my interrogation, he grinned and relaxed. “Ah. I worried you. Your concern is touching but unnecessary. There is no threat on this island that I would need to unleash even seventy percent of my power to defeat.”

“Still.” I couldn’t think of anything very meaningful to say so I just threw my arms around him. “I’m glad you’re okay.” He went stiff for a moment, but then tentatively hugged me back. I felt shockingly comforted being held by those arms. Now that he was only wearing his t-shirt, I could see that they were muscular, in a lean way, and I resolved to ask him about how he stayed in such good shape without ever being seen to exercise. But for now, that wasn’t important.

I pulled back from the hug just enough to kiss him, brushing his hair out of his eyes as I did so. It was the first time I’d touched it without it being full of whatever he used to pile it up into a spike on his head, and it felt soft as silk between my fingers. “You know, I like your hair down like this.” I ran a finger along his forehead and down his cheek where I imagined the strands would frame his face when it dried

He blushed and I felt a twinge of delight at how easy it was to make him do that now. It probably wouldn’t last forever as he became less shy around me, so I was determined to enjoy it while I could. “Truly? I had been thinking about wearing it-” He abruptly realized that this didn’t sound like a very Evil Overlord thing to say and cleared his throat, stepping back from me and resuming his normal imperious tone. “At any rate, the purpose of my visit.” He pulled a roll of bandages out of his pocket and held them out to me.

“Oh? You want me to do this again?”

“I had greater freedom of movement when you wrapped them,” he muttered, sounding like he’d come up with that excuse in advance. “Such an advantage could be integral in a fight.”

I took the bandages, letting my hands linger on his for a moment. I still hadn’t gotten over how lucky I felt just to be able to touch him. “I’m more than happy to help. And, you know you don’t need a reason to come see me, right? I’m always glad to spend time with you.” His blush deepened and he reached up to cover his face with his scarf. It wasn’t there for him to hide behind though, so he dropped his hand back down to his side. Figuring that was all the response I was going to get, I pulled him over to the bed and we sat side by side just as we had on the night I’d confessed my feelings to him.

“You’ve got a lot of scars,” I noted as I held his arm, tracing one of the larger ones with a single finger. He shivered at my touch. “Oh! Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Are these all from animals?”

He nodded. “They are without exception marks of inexperience or carelessness. The beast is never at fault in such incidents.” His voice was firm, brooking no argument.

“It looks like the scratches you got the other day have almost completely healed.”

“I told you my wounds were not serious. And besides, one of the benefits of my demonic blood is a propensity for quick recovery.”

“You had to be hospitalized for at least one of these though, didn’t you?” I’d had to piece that together from a few different things he’d said, but it sounded like he had been attacked pretty badly by a dog when he was a kid.

“Well… yes,” he admitted.

“What happened?”

As I started to wind the bandages around his arm, he shared the stories behind a few of his scars. He cloaked them all in his usual hyperbolic language and occult metaphors, but I felt like I was getting good enough at decoding the way he talked to understand most of it. When I was done he flexed his fingers, testing the feel. “Excellent work, Hajime. You have my thanks.”

“If you want me to do this more often, I’ll ask Mikan for some tips next time I see her. I could probably do an even better job if I had the Ultimate Nurse teach me a thing or two.”

“I would like that.” His voice was as soft as the small smile that crept onto his face.

“Hey.” I leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Can I kiss you some more now?”

His blush returned, but he nodded and turned his face towards mine. I put a finger to his lips as if shushing him, then swung my legs up onto the bed and scooted over. When I patted the space next to me, he followed.

He looked surprised as I placed a hand on his chest, slowly but firmly pushing him down into the mattress. Then I leaned over him, smiling as I gently brushed the hair out of his eyes. I was about to start kissing him, but I stopped when those eyes suddenly captivated me. I hadn’t paid much attention to them before. Between his scar tattoo and the red contact lens he normally wore, his natural grey one tended to fade into the background. I stared into them thoughtfully now, taking in every detail.

“What are you doing?” Gundham asked, sounding uncharacteristically timid.

I had no idea how long I’d let myself be mesmerized by those soft irises, but his question brought me back to reality. I laughed quietly, bringing up a finger to stroke the side of his face. “Sorry. I just realized I’ve never seen someone with grey eyes like yours up close. They’re beautiful.”

Already blushing as deeply as he could, Gundham looked away from me and reached up like he was trying to hide in his scarf again. It still wasn’t there. He glanced back at me, then away again, looking around desperately as if searching for a way to change the subject. Failing to find any inspiration, he resorted to grabbing me by the back of the neck. I made a noise of appreciative surprise as he pulled my face into his.

I kissed him gently, over and over again, savoring each one as he ran his fingers into my messy locks. My own fingers traced a slow line down his cheek, the side of his neck, and along the collarbone exposed by his loose-necked shirt. I stopped when I felt him shudder. “Too much?”

“A bit.” His voice sounded strangled.

“Sorry.” I lay down beside him and rested my head on his chest. That felt kind of muscular too.

“Do not be,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

We lay like that in comfortable silence while I listened to the soothing sounds of his breathing and his heart beating in his chest. Part of me still couldn’t believe that all of this was happening. I was painfully aware that I wasn’t a very interesting person, and yet somehow I’d managed to convince this eccentric, fascinating, enigma of a guy that he wanted me around. I wondered if I’d ever figure out what he saw in me.

After some time I looked up to see him smiling pensively as he stared at the ceiling. Were his thoughts were following similar paths to mine? “Hey,” I said quietly. He turned his face towards me and a warm feeling spread through my body at the sight of that soft smile being pointed in my direction. I had never imagined that just being smiled at could feel so good. “I want to fall asleep like this. Holding each other.”

He considered it for a while before shaking his head. “I would like that too, but I cannot leave my Devas alone all night. I have been away from them too long already.”

“I could come over to your cottage,” I offered.

His smile widened and he squeezed me gently in assent. “A clever solution. Very well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Hajime in jammies!](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/84/17/3a/84173a6bd531895da57af14518bac903.jpg) Too cute.
> 
> The boys' [first real hug](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/36/79/12/367912a9b2c5c12054cb3bdfe4755d24.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/56326469))
> 
> And have a bonus pic of [grumpy hamster dad.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ee/01/ad/ee01ad6d52a89c3447ecedf5b6c24d97.jpg) ([Source](https://makkiroll.tumblr.com/post/187866372580/made-from-riddleblgs-expression-meme))


	11. Vanquishing Heterosexuality

As we walked down the pier towards Gundham’s cottage, we heard the sound of a door opening behind us, followed by a voice. “Huh? Hajime? Who’s that?”

Beside me, Gundham immediately went stiff. Without even looking around, he fled, his bare feet slapping loudly on the wooden pier. “Hey, Gundham-” I reached out for him but he didn’t stop. After he disappeared into his cottage, slamming the door behind him, I sighed and turned around.

Kazuichi, whose cottage was opposite mine, was standing in his doorway, thoroughly confused. “Whaaat? That was Gundham?”

My embarrassment at getting caught like this was amplifying the usual annoyance I’d felt when talking to this guy recently. “Who else would it be?” I snapped.

“I dunno, he just looked... he wasn’t wearing all his stuff. And his hair...” he trailed off lamely.

“Despite his claims to the contrary he _is_ human, you know. He doesn’t wake up like that.”

“Oh, huh. I never thought about how much work it probably takes to look like that all the time. Is that why he’s always one of the last to show up for breakfast?”

I hadn’t considered that before, and there might have been some truth in it. However, I feigned disinterest as I shrugged. This conversation was getting a bit too close to some things I had no intention of revealing right now. “Maybe. How should I know?”

“I guess you wouldn’t. What were you two doing, anyway?” Suspicion was creeping into his tone.

I kept my face and voice as impassive as possible, hoping the darkness would hide the blush I felt blooming on my cheeks. “He needed my help with something.”

“What with?”

“That’s none of your business,” was all I could think to say. I crossed my arms and glared at him. “Are you done interrogating me?”

“Awww, Hajime you didn’t used to be like this with me. Didn’t we get along at first?” Despite how childish that sounded, I realized this might be a good opening to talk to him about some of his obnoxious behavior. And if that allowed me to shift the topic off of me and Gundham sneaking around late at night in our pajamas, that was a bonus.

“You know, when I was first going around the island with Nagito introducing myself to everyone,” Kazuichi grimaced at the mention of Nagito, but I continued without pause, “you were one of the people I was most interested in getting to know better.”

“Huh? Seriously?”

“Yeah. You seemed cool, your talent is interesting, and I thought you might have your head screwed on straighter than a lot of the others here.”

“Oh.” Did I detect a hint of regret in his tone? “What changed?”

“Now all you do is harass Sonia and go around being suspicious of people. You need to leave her alone, and stop treating everyone else like we’re your enemies.” He was silent for a while after I spoke, staring at his feet. I felt a little bad for being so negative, so I tried to soften the blow. “Hey, even after everything, I still see you as someone reliable who knows how to work hard. You’re a good guy under it all, you just need to cool it, okay?”

He turned away from me. “Thanks for telling me all that, Hajime. I’m sorry for being such a pain. I’m just scared, you know?”

“We all are.” I tried to make my voice firm, but not unkind. “And Sonia isn’t just a ‘hot, blonde princess.’ She’s a real person. She’s just as scared as you are of all this and you’re making her life here a lot harder.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m gonna go walk around and do some thinking.”

“Alright. Good night, Kazuichi.” I waited until he was out of sight, then went and knocked on Gundham’s door, expecting the customary long pause. It opened immediately. Seeing it was me, Gundham stuck his head out the door and looked around. When he determined we were alone again, he grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me swiftly inside.

“Woah, okay,” I said, surprised but not resisting. He slammed the door shut behind me.

“You took some time to follow.” He looked me up and down as if confirming I was unhurt. “I was beginning to believe my hasty retreat may have been in error.”

“It was probably for the best, really,” I admitted. I hadn’t liked being abandoned to deal with Kazuichi alone like that, but on reflection, it might have been better that Gundham had made himself scarce. Those two really did not get along, and it would have been a lot harder to defuse the situation if they’d started arguing.

“He did not suspect…”

“No, nothing like that. He was more afraid that we might be plotting together. I just told him I was helping you with something, but we talked a bit after that.”

He gave me a skeptical look so I relayed the gist of our conversation to him. When I was finished, his expression had turned thoughtful. “You have much greater patience for such foolishness than I.”

“You know, that’s not the first time someone has told me that recently,” I laughed, recalling my conversation on the beach with Mahiru. He gave me a questioning look, but I just kissed him instead of explaining.

* * *

After that we spent a peaceful night together, snuggling and talking until we both fell asleep. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the circumstances or because he wasn’t wearing his daily costume, but I felt like Gundham had dropped a bit of his occult persona. It wasn’t entirely gone, but he said a lot more things that night that made him sound like just a normal guy. It gave me the strange feeling that I was being let in on some big secret. It was also strange to realize that I’d miss his posturing if it ever vanished completely.

He must have woken up before the morning announcement because I was alone in bed when the obnoxious dinging dragged me back to consciousness. I looked around and saw him standing before the bathroom mirror with a towel thrown over his shoulder, styling his hair.

“Good morning.” I stifled a yawn.

He glanced over and gave me another one of those smiles that made me feel like I was about to float away into the air. “Did you sleep peacefully? Or did one of the specters haunting my abode plague you?”

“I slept just fine. I’m sure being near someone with such great power protected me.” Playing along with his pretensions like that made him blush a little as he put the finishing touches on his hair. “Not gonna try wearing it down?”

“Practice will be necessary to master that technique before I unleash it upon the world.”

I nodded and spoke with a grave tone. “You’re right, I can see there being serious consequences if you’re not careful.” When he shot me a suspicious look, a mischievous grin spread across my face. “Well, if you get much more attractive than you already are, no one, man or woman, will be able to resist you. You’ll have to spend every waking hour fending people off or hiding.”

“Wh-what are you saying?” he sputtered.

I jumped out of bed suddenly and copied a pose of his I remembered. “Gundham Tanaka!” I shouted, doing my best imitation of his deep voice. “Supreme Overlord of Ice! Master of the Four Dark Devas of Destruction! Vanquisher of Heterosexuality!”

A strangled whining sound escaped from his throat as he stared at me incredulously.

“Well, it worked on me anyway,” I shrugged.

Seeming completely at a loss as to how to respond to that, he resorted to pulling the towel off of his shoulder and throwing it at me. I caught it effortlessly and tossed it aside.

“Fuhahahaha!” I mimicked his overwrought, villainous laugh, throwing my arms out wide. “Your pitiful ranged assault is no match for my defenses. If you want to defeat me, you’ll have to get closer than that!”

He growled and stalked over. Grabbing me firmly by the back of the neck, he kissed me fiercely. My knees went weak and I sat back on the bed, pulling him down with me so as not to break the kiss. As it went on it became more tender, until he pulled away, leaving me a bit breathless.

“A gap in my armor!” I gasped, gripping the front of his shirt with my fists and feigning distress. “One more volley like that, and I’m done for!”

“Was that not enough for you?” he muttered. Making a small noise of almost helpless frustration, he took my face in both hands and pressed those wonderful, soft lips into mine again, more gently this time. I was enjoying his newfound method of putting a stop to a conversation and wondered when he’d realize it was only encouraging me.

“You win.” I let him go when he pulled away again and put my hands in the air in surrender. “You seem to have discovered my greatest weakness.”

“Just… be silent about this!”

“As you command.” I made a dramatic bowing motion.

“Hmph.” To cover his embarrassment, Gundham turned and walked back to the bathroom. He had to fix his hair after our little playfight, grumbling indistinctly the whole time. Sitting on the bed with my chin in one hand, I smiled as I watched him get ready for the day.

After he finished with his hair he did some sort of skincare routine and, confirming my suspicions from the night before, started applying makeup. It all looked very complicated and I wasn’t exactly an expert on the topic so I had no idea what he was doing, but he had a steady and practiced hand and it went on quickly. The whole thing looked like a lot of effort compared to my own morning routine of digging some clean clothes out of a drawer and splashing water on my face, but the effect was incredible. As I had noted last night, he almost looked like a completely different person.

“What is with that grin?” he asked after glancing in my direction. He was getting ready to put his contact in.

“Hmm.” I needed to take a moment to figure out why I was feeling so happy before I could put it into words. “I like getting to see this side of you,” I finally said. “The fact that you’re comfortable enough to show it to me makes me feel special, I guess.”

“You _are_ special.” Finished assembling his look, Gundham returned to me. I was expecting him to be smiling when he said that, but his face was deadly serious. “You made a vow not to betray me, and I have chosen to take you at your word. Perhaps it is foolish on my part, but I am trusting that any weakness you see in me when I am not at my full strength will not be exploited or revealed to others.”

I reached out, took his hand, and matched his serious tone with not a trace of jest. “Thank you for trusting me. It’s not something I take lightly.”

“That is good,” he muttered, not meeting my eyes.

Standing up, I put my arms around him and planted a kiss on his cheek. “And thank you for letting me spend the night. It was really nice.”

“I found your presence exceedingly pleasant.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he returned my hug.

I sighed and let myself melt into those strong arms for a while before breaking away. “I need to get going. I probably shouldn’t show up to breakfast in these.” I tugged at my pajama top.

Gundham pulled me over to the door and gestured for me to stay behind him. Opening it just enough to poke his head out, he glanced around. “I see no one,” he reported. I gave his hand a quick squeeze, then slipped out and returned to my cottage to change without incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm gonna be pretty hard on Kazuichi for the start of this fic, but I don't hate him. It'll take him a while to grow as a character, but he'll get there.
> 
> Pretty boy Gundham is brought to you by all the adorable fanart of his morning routine that gives me life. [Here](https://lirillith.tumblr.com/post/86006946466/gundams-morning-routine-from-an-art-log-by-%E4%B9%99%E5%A7%AB), [have](https://www.deviantart.com/gehirnkaefer/art/grwg-591939055) [three](https://lordofdorknessgundam.tumblr.com/post/181124538119/gundams-make-up-routine-happy-bday-gundam-i)!


	12. Forces of Chaos

Gundham and I left the restaurant together after breakfast. We hadn’t talked about our plans for the day and I was just figuring out how to ask if he wanted to spend some time together when he beat me to it. “Hajime. Would you care to assist me in performing a ritual?”

“Huh.” I’d never done anything like that before, and I was more than a little curious about what Gundham got up to with all the strange books, implements, and components littered about his cottage. “Is it dangerous?”

A canny grin spread across his face as he assumed a dramatic pose. “Kehehe. Power never comes without a price, Hajime Hinata. Merely dipping your toe into the mystic forces that bind this world will draw the attention of chaos and its minions. If safety is what you seek, you have chosen the wrong path in partnering with the great warlock Gundham Tanaka!”

I interpreted that as a ‘no,’ so I shrugged. “Sure, why not? Sounds fun.”

“Hmph. This is not intended to be entertaining.” He crossed his arms, looking annoyed. “You should give such matters the appropriate level of respect.”

I grinned. Every time he talked like this now, oozing arrogance and mystery, I found myself itching to plant a kiss on his cheek and make him blush. But there were others around, so I restrained myself. “Well, I guess I’ve got a lot to learn. I’m sure you’ll make an excellent teacher.” I laughed as my words managed to get a blush out of him anyway. “God, you’re cute,” I added, quiet enough that no one else could hear.

“Tch.” Gundham turned and stalked off, his scarf flapping out behind him as he strode fast enough that I had to jog a bit to keep up. Back at his cottage, he piled a bunch of seemingly random objects into my arms then led me out of the hotel.

“So.” He had resumed a more normal walking pace, so I could finally ask him some questions. “What’s this ritual for?”

“We shall attempt a summoning. I have spent much time searching these islands for demon beasts to tame, but with no luck. Perhaps magic will succeed where my more conventional methods have failed.”

“Do you think it’ll work?” I had no idea how much he bought into all this occultism stuff, and I knew I’d never find out by just asking him directly. But I thought I might be able to hazard a guess if I got him to answer enough specific questions.

“I will admit my hopes are not high. There is something very strange about Jabberwock, and I am beginning to suspect it may have been forged as a trap specifically for me. I am ‘his’ greatest enemy, after all. ‘He’ may have driven away this island’s beasts for the sole purpose of weakening me.”

“Ah yes, the mysterious ‘him.’” I tried not to sound like I was teasing. “Will I ever learn more about this nemesis of yours?”

He looked over at me, searching my face for any sign of mockery. I put on my most innocent expression. “Hmph,” he scoffed eventually. “Such knowledge is too dangerous for you as you currently are. Regardless, even if ‘he’ is interfering with my powers, I will lose nothing by making an attempt. Nothing but time, which I seem to have in abundance here.”

We had arrived at the beach by this point, where Gundham apparently planned to do his summoning. After we put down everything we were carrying, he cracked open a leather-bound tome and I peeked over his shoulder to see him looking at a page mostly taken up by a large and intricate symbol, like some kind of magic circle. The rest contained words in a flowing script I didn’t recognize. “What language is this?” I asked.

“Arabic,” he answered absent-mindedly as he ran his finger along some lines of text.

“You can read this?”

“Not fluently, but well enough. A large number of important occult tomes are written in this language. In many areas where it is spoken, understanding of philosophical disciplines has frequently been more advanced than the rest of the world.”

“So, you taught yourself Arabic just to read old spellbooks?”

He bristled and turned to glare at me, misinterpreting my astonishment as disapproval. “Do you take issue with that?”

“No, not at all. I’m really impressed.”

“I see.” He lowered his hackles. “Well. It was less of a challenge than Latin, at any rate. At least the language is not dead. Regardless, I have made some annotations.” He removed a piece of paper that had been marking this spot in the book and handed it to me. Despite being written in very neat Japanese, I barely understood a word as I glanced through it. There were a lot of characters I didn’t know, as well as what must have been atypical readings of many of the ones I did. Anything I could technically read was so deep in layers of metaphor and references I didn’t recognize that I still had no clue what it meant. “Now then, let us begin,” he said when I handed it back to him, only more confused than I had been before.

We started drawing the symbol from the book in the sand, which I proved to be utterly useless at. After one too many mistakes and sloppy lines, Gundham firmly took the stick I had been using from my hands and set me some other tasks. He had me place some things around the perimeter of the circle, light some candles, repeat some incantations which I tried my best not to butcher, throw some powders around, and a few other things here and there.

When we had finished the preparations, he shooed me off to stand somewhere well out of the way while he stood before the results of our handiwork to complete the ritual on his own, muttering something about it being for my safety. I got the distinct impression it was just to get me out from under his feet, but at least he was trying to be tactful about it. I knew tact didn’t come easily to Gundham, so I appreciated that he was making an effort.

After some dramatic chanting and gesturing, Gundham crossed his arms and stood still for a long time. Eventually, I saw his shoulders slump and he walked over to stare out at the ocean. Figuring that meant the summoning had failed, I went to join him. He looked more disappointed than I had expected. “I’m sorry it didn’t work.”

He didn’t take his eyes off the gently cresting waves but held up an inviting hand. I took it and gave what I hoped was a comforting squeeze. “It was to be expected. Regardless of the success of the venture, I appreciated your assistance.”

“Really?” I laughed. “Did I do more than just get in the way and make a mess of things then?”

A small smile drained the melancholy from his face and he turned to me. “At the very least, you lifted my spirits. You were correct, doing this together was… fun.”

I looked into those eyes like I had last night and felt myself blushing as I started to get lost in them again. The red contact made his gaze feel more intense, like it was piercing through to my very soul. His face started to flush too as, hesitantly, we leaned in towards each other.

“BOO!” Out of nowhere, Ibuki popped up just behind us, putting her arms around both our shoulders. I jumped and yelped in surprise but Gundham, probably reacting to the touch as much as her sudden appearance, spun around and skittered frantically backwards. His eyes went wide as he stepped into the cold water, and the skitter turned into a stagger. Arms flailing wildly, he lost his balance and fell over just as a wave came crashing up the beach. When it receded he was laying there, soaked through, wet hamsters clinging to his scarf and squeaking with panic.

He leapt to his feet with a deftness that surprised me. After doing a quick count of his Devas, he faced Ibuki, who was still hanging onto me, and assumed a defensive posture. “Virago!” he shouted, wiping the dripping hair from his eyes. “What is the meaning of this assault? You are lucky not to have been struck dead already by the poisons that course through me!”

Ibuki grinned broadly. “Come by the supermarket tonight at eight! Ibuki’s planning a surprise for everyone.”

“I have had quite enough of your surprises, you wicked wretch! Had any of my Four Dark Devas of Destruction been dragged out by the waves, your life would already be forfeit!” Gundham was absolutely livid, and I couldn’t blame him.

“Ibuki, he doesn’t like people touching him,” I said quietly.

“Oh.” Ibuki pouted and poked her index fingers together, looking genuinely contrite. “Sorry, Gundham. But Hajime touches you all the time! Like at the hospital. And you were just holding hands!”

This wasn’t the first time I had been surprised by her perceptiveness. She always seemed to be off in her own world, but occasionally she’d come out with something like that and remind me that you couldn’t become the Ultimate Musician without being able to pay attention to details. She didn’t seem to realize exactly what was going on here though, and I was happy to leave it that way. Gundham’s and my relationship was still so new and precious that I wasn’t ready to share it with anyone else yet. I didn’t want to keep it a secret forever, of course, but for now, I wanted to stay in that bubble together where no one else or their opinions could touch us.

“He has displayed an immunity to the withering poison in my veins,” Gundham muttered. As another wave hit his legs, he growled and stomped back onto dry land, keeping his distance from us and kicking some water out of his long boots.

I carefully extricated myself from Ibuki’s grip. “I’ll drop by at eight like you said. Okay?”

“Yahoo! What about Gundham?”

Scowling, h opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “I think he’ll decide later when he’s in a better mood.”

“Hmph.” He crossed his arms in irritation but didn’t argue.

“Okie-dokie. Hope you’ll come!” Ibuki sang before skipping off.

Once she was gone, I burst out laughing. Gundham looked nonplussed. “You did say meddling with the occult would draw the attention of chaotic beings,” I pointed out. Ignoring his rolled eyes, I let my laughter fade away and looked around at the mess we’d made of the beach, then back over to Gundham and his waterlogged, shivering hamsters. “Anyway. You should get the Devas home and dried off. I’ll pick everything up here and bring it by your cottage later, okay?”

He looked surprised at my offer. “Oh. Thank you. That is… kind.” Brushing his wet hair out of his eyes again, he made a frustrated noise. “Curse that crooning simpleton! It is not even noon, and I have to do all of this again!” he complained, gesturing at his face as he stalked off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene inspired by this art of [Gundham in the water](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/48/87/9e/48879e3fd354c2351a1644e50caacea8.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/51166451)), and another Huyandere piece of [the boys doing a ritual together.](https://64.media.tumblr.com/008766c4741736eea10e124c0afc13b3/tumblr_olkqppj7On1tkcba2o4_r1_1280.png) ([Source](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/157396845026/gundhams-daily-activities)) Hajime has no idea what's going on, but he's doing his best.


	13. A Taste of His Own Medicine

When I knocked on Gundham’s door, arms full of everything I’d been able to recover from the beach, I heard his voice from inside. “The portal is unbarred. Enter.” That was a bit odd. He’d never invited me in like that before. Normally he’d open the door himself, glaring out suspiciously until he identified the interloper. Wishing he’d chosen a different time to change his habits, I awkwardly shouldered my way in while trying not to drop anything.

“Hey, Gundham.” I carefully placed everything down on the floor and looked around to see him standing before the sink, where he’d drawn a tiny bath for his hamsters. As I watched, he gently dried one off with a towel, making soothing noises while it squeaked nervously. The whole scene was so adorable my heart almost stopped.

“You have my thanks, Hajime,” he said, not looking up from his work. “And that of my Devas as well. They have vowed to return this favor, should you ever find yourself in need of their aid.”

I smiled and walked over to him. “How are they doing?”

“They were perturbed by the morning’s events, but they are resilient. They will not take long to recover.” He finally looked up and gave me a soft smile as I leaned in to kiss him. I shook my head in disbelief as I tasted the ocean’s salt on his lips. He hadn’t even splashed clean water on his face before giving the Devas a full spa treatment. His hair was still dripping, too. All he’d done for his own comfort was remove his sopping wet coat and scarf.

Laughing, I grabbed a small towel and mussed up his wet hair, drying it out a little. He made an annoyed sound but didn’t try to stop me. “I’ve got some things I want to get done today, so I’ll leave you to it. Can I drop by tonight?”

“Of course. I shall eagerly await your return, my seraph.” I felt a sudden, intense heat spreading across my cheeks. That was some kind of angel, wasn’t it? Before I could recover from my surprise he kissed me again, throwing me further off balance. When he pulled away I noticed a triumphant edge to his grin.

“D-Did you say that just to make me blush?” I squeaked.

“Were you not prepared for a taste of your own fiendish tactics?” His grin widened as I sputtered. “Kehehe. It would be wise of you to flee before I devise further tests for your mental defenses.”

* * *

I was browsing around the pharmacy on one of my errands when I heard Mikan’s stammer right behind me. “Umm, wh-what are you looking for, Hajime?”

I jumped in surprise and spun around. “Oh, hi Mikan. Uhhh,” I tried not to look shifty as I searched around for an excuse. I was painfully aware that I was doing a terrible job of it. I knew I was an awful liar, so I decided to go with a vague truth. “Um, there’s something I have to take every couple of weeks. And we’ve been here a while now, so… I was just looking for that.”

“L-let me help you look! It could be dangerous if you use the wrong thing.”

“Oh. Um, thank you for offering but it’s kind of personal.” I rubbed at the back of my head awkwardly.

“If you need someone to help take care of you, please let me! I won’t tell anyone. Umm, I know I’m not a doctor yet but I take carer-patient confidentiality very seriously!” Her face was more determined than I’d ever seen it before.

“O-okay, fine.” I took a deep breath and explained the situation to Mikan.

“I see. So, you need an injection.” Her eyes lit up in a somewhat disturbing fashion and I wondered if I’d just made a horrible mistake. “Don’t worry, I’ve had a lot of practice giving those. I like doing it.”

“Uhhhhh…”

“Oh no! I said something wrong!” she wailed, clenching her eyes shut and recoiling as if she thought I was about to hit her. “I’m sorryyyyy!”

“It’s okay!” I tried to reassure her. “Just… why do you like giving people injections?” My initial fear had been that it was because she liked hurting people, but that didn’t quite seem to fit her personality.

“Oh… it’s just that most people can’t do it themselves. They’re too scared. So, they need someone else to do it. If I can do it for them they need me, and they can’t pretend I don’t exist.”

I was surprised at how candid she was with saying something like that. It sounded really sad and I wondered what exactly had happened to Mikan to make her like this. “Okay,” I said slowly. “I think I understand. I usually do this myself, but if you want to do it for me you can. You’ll probably be better at it. So, I guess I don’t need your help, but I still want it.”

My words only seemed to fill her with panic. “No one has ever _wanted_ my help before! Oh, do you want me to repay you somehow? I could-”

“No, it’s not like that at all!” I had no idea what to do about this, so I just scratched my head again and tried to move things along. “Let’s look around now, okay? Where do you think it’ll be?”

Mikan knew her way around the pharmacy quite well, and she was able to find what I was looking for in no time at all. Once we had it, I let her do the injection and was surprised at how little it hurt. She really was very good at it, better than most of the nurses who’d done this for me before I learned how to myself.

“Hey, Mikan,” I said when she was finished. “There was something I wanted to ask you.”

“Oh, if you want me to take off my clothes-”

“Wh-what? Mikan, no!” Talking to this girl was like walking through a trauma minefield. “Please, never say that again!”

“I’m sorry! Forgive meeee!” she groveled.

Why was she making this so difficult? “Mikan, I just wanted some tips on wrapping bandages,” I said desperately.

“What?” She looked taken aback.

“I’ve been helping Gundham wrap his arm up sometimes. I thought I could maybe do a better job if you gave me some advice. He wears them all the time and they go over his hand, so being able to move around in them is important for him.”

Much to my relief, getting the topic back to something medical dried up her tears and calmed her down. “I could wrap them for him,” she offered, a hungry look in her eye.

“I’m the only person allowed to touch him,” I said quickly. Inflicting her on him sounded like a disaster waiting to happen, so I wanted to nip that idea in the bud. “Remember at the diner?”

“Oh yeah…” Mikan looked downcast as she recalled how uncomfortable Gundham had been when she examined his knee. “W-well, okay. Why don’t you practice on me, and I’ll tell you what to do differently.”

I took a deep breath, hoping that the worst was over. “Okay. Thank you.”

Mikan didn’t seem to be at all bothered about letting me use her as a practice dummy. I felt a little weird about it, but she seemed so happy to have someone talking to her about something she was an expert on that I figured it was okay. Of course, she was still Mikan, and I had to reassure her plenty of times that I didn’t hate her and wasn’t mad at her when she thought she’d said something wrong. But despite how awkward it was, I felt pretty good about being able to bond with her like this. She seemed like she really just needed someone to be understanding and kind with her, and I didn’t mind making a bit of an effort. There was even a small smile on her face by the time I left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Mikan just needs [a friend.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/dc/6d/c7/dc6dc7b334feca7be3f39a995fe28ac8.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/83405274))


	14. Non-Traditional Romance

“Miss Sonia?” I heard Kazuichi’s voice outside. When I had left the restaurant after lunch, I’d used the stairs outside and then quickly ducked into the hotel lobby to throw him off. I had no idea what to do about this man. Everything I did, even merely ignoring him, only seemed to encourage his ever-worsening behavior. I was at my wit’s end and was considering asking for assistance, although I had no idea who could actually get him to leave me alone. The stubborn buffoon didn’t seem to listen to anyone very much, not just me.

Trying to calm my anger, I waited for him to wander off then snuck out of the hotel and over to the library where I now spent most afternoons. Sometimes I merely entertained myself reading occult magazines or novels, and sometimes I searched carefully for any new information about our situation I could find. Unfortunately, after discovering the pamphlet on the day the second island was opened to us, I hadn’t had any further luck.

Today, it seemed prudent to start with entertainment. The large televisions in each of our rooms were unconnected to any sort of network, and I had been missing being able to watch Japanese dramas. The lack of on-screen romance to enjoy may have been partially responsible for the feelings I had begun developing towards a certain mysterious animal breeder, and I wanted to see if I might be able to quell those with on-paper romance instead.

When I made my way over to the section that contained such novels, I was surprised to see the very man I had just been thinking about, standing before the shelf I was aiming for and staring at a book, brow furrowed in deep concentration. “Oh, hello Gundham.”

He dropped the book to the floor and spun around. “S-Sonia,” he stammered, his eyes roving around frantically as if trying to find some means of escape.

I tried to reassure him with a smile. “I did not expect to find you here. Do you find such novels enjoyable?” I leaned over to get a look at the book he had been reading, but he noticed what I was doing and roughly kicked it away down the aisle.

“I am not here for entertainment! I am doing research.”

“Oh? What is it you are researching?”

He sputtered for a while before coming up with an answer. “I-I am seeking insight into human interactions in… certain contexts. Your ways are foreign to me in many respects.”

“Is there anything I could help you to discover? I have spent much time getting to know the library over the past few days. And I have a great deal of knowledge regarding Japanese traditions of romance if that is what you are seeking.”

He blushed and pulled his scarf up over his face. It was very endearing. “You need not concern yourself with this. It is of no import.”

“Is there someone for whose sake you are seeking this knowledge?”

His blush deepened as what I could see of his expression turned to panic. I blushed a bit too. It seemed like I had been correct. Could it possibly be me? I could think of no other girl on the island Gundham had shown any level of interest towards. He barely spoke to anyone other than me and Hajime. “Sonia, do not speak of this to any others,” he pleaded. Then he straightened up and tried to sound more imperious. “For if you do I shall be forced to cast you down into the Netherworld!”

“Of course!” I put a determined look on my face. “As a member of the royal family, I have been well trained in the art of espionage. That includes keeping secrets.”

He relaxed a bit and pulled his scarf back down. “Thank you,” he muttered.

“Gundham, I am certain that whoever has inspired this search of yours would be pleased with your company regardless of whether or not you follow any particular romantic traditions.”

“As always, Sonia, your words contain great wisdom,” he said with a soft pensiveness. I had not heard that tone from him before. Interesting. “For a human,” he added, ruining the effect somewhat.

My smile turned thoughtful. Maybe I wouldn’t have to resort to novels to get my fill of romance after all. “Gundham, I had been hoping to ask you about some things I read in the occult magazines I found in this library. Would you care to discuss them with me?”

“Hm?” My words seemed to break him out of some reverie. “Oh, certainly. If you do not fear this dark knowledge. Take care that your mind is strong enough before you begin to walk this path, lest you risk madness.”

He followed me towards the magazine section and we spent a pleasant few hours together discussing all manner of occult topics. He was by far the most interesting of my classmates, and I enjoyed his company immensely. I was normally very skilled at reading people, but he was in so many ways an enigma. It was refreshing to be able to be surprised by someone, to not be able to predict their reactions. I relished the opportunity to feel more like a normal girl instead of a princess trained to study and manipulate even the most innocuous of conversations.

For his part, he seemed to enjoy the chance to share his knowledge with an appreciative audience. I was aware that I was fawning a bit, but decided there was no harm in letting myself indulge in that. He seemed to enjoy compliments on his expertise, and I managed to make him blush a few more times. He was quite cute when he did that.

As our conversation began winding down, I let myself start thinking about how I might go about making my interest clear to him. If he was as clueless about romance as he claimed, more traditional methods were unlikely to work. I’d probably have to resort to being direct with him. But it seemed like he might be trying to figure something out, so I decided to give him a few days before making my own move. In the meantime, I would just have to contrive more ways to spend time together like this.

“Gundham, did Ibuki invite you to the event she is planning tonight?” I asked as he was about to leave.

A scowl took root on his face. “Yes,” he said tersely.

That was a strange response, but I pressed on. “We could go together if you would like to attend.” There was hope in my voice, but he dashed it with a shake of his head.

“I have a prior engagement with Hajime this evening. Thank you for conversing with me today, I found many of your insights enlightening.”

“Of course.” I tried to keep any disappointment out of the smile I gave him. “Any time you wish to discuss such topics further, I would be pleased to do so.”

When he had gone, I walked back over to where I had first found him. I’d been telling the truth when I said I had been trained in espionage, and I’d made some small use of those skills earlier. When Gundham had kicked that book away I’d made a note of where it traveled and had been careful to lead him in the opposite direction when we exited this section of the library. I wondered if it was unfair of me to be doing this, but my curiosity got the better of me.

I found the book easily enough and bent down to pick it up, then gasped in surprise. That… was not what I had been expecting. Straightening up, I read over the back cover thoughtfully. It certainly was a romance novel, but not the traditional kind. I searched around a bit more in case I had made a mistake, but there was nothing else on the floor. This must have been it.

I turned the book over to look at the front cover again, and its picture of two handsome men staring soulfully into each others' eyes. It seemed I must have wholly misread either Gundham’s intentions with the book or his intentions with me. He truly was a mystery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, [Gundham in glasses](https://i.redd.it/v7uhn8x30jz51.jpg) is too cute for this world! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/59607799))
> 
> Haven't had a POV from anyone other than Hajime since almost the beginning, so I hope this one wound up okay. Sonia's a bit tough for me to write for some reason.


	15. Summer Festivitrees

I went to knock on Gundham’s door later that night, as I had promised. He smiled when he saw me and invited me in.

“Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go out,” I countered.

“What did you have in mind?” He sounded cautious but interested.

“It’s almost eight. I wanted to go to Ibuki’s thing.”

“Do you know what she is plotting?” The mention of Ibuki had brought a scowl to his face, but he didn’t seem to have his heart in it. When I just shrugged, his scowl deepened. “Why do you agree to so many things without fully understanding them first? It is foolish.”

I shrugged again. “Well, I guess I have a hard time saying no to people. Anyway, it usually works out. Are you coming?”

“Very well.” He stepped outside into the crisp night air. “I shall see what crude entertainments Mioda has in store. Perhaps I may even find a measure of amusement in some of them.”

I rolled my eyes at his inability to just say he wanted to hang out with people but left it alone. We walked together to the supermarket, where Ibuki was already waiting for us. “Hey Hajime!” she greeted me with a toothy grin. “Oh! Gundham decided to come! He can help you carry everything.”

“Uh, what are we carrying?” I hoped I hadn’t just been invited as free labor.

She gestured at a pile of boxes stacked up in one of the aisles. “All of these, down to the beach. Nekomaru and the girls already carried everything here, now we’re all gonna go put on yukatas together and meet you there.”

“Oh. Can I wear a yukata too?”

Ibuki took a step back and looked me over, sizing me up. “Hmm. Hmmmmm. Yes, Hajime in a yukata sounds very cute. And with Gundham here to carry the boxes, you can just come with Ibuki!”

I turned to Gundham, noticing that his cheeks were slightly pink and he was fingering the edge of his scarf as if considering pulling it up over his face. “Is that alright? Do you mind carrying all this?”

“I shall make quick work of such a trivial task,” he said, a bit hurriedly. “Go, garb yourself in attire fitting this event.”

Ibuki and I left him there and went to meet up with the others. Putting on a yukata felt strange. I had worn them a few times when I was younger, but this was my first time wearing one since I started transitioning and it gave me an oddly dissonant feeling. I thought I looked really good in it though, and Nekomaru was wearing one too so at least I wasn’t the only guy doing it. When I was finished putting it on, I returned to the group.

“Yeeeee!” Ibuki squealed. “Ibuki was right!” Hajime in a yukata is kyuuuute!”

“It’d look better if you had more muscle under there.” That was Nekomaru. It seemed like I couldn’t do anything around him without him trying to use it as an opportunity to improve me in some way. He was like that with everyone, even the girls, so I knew he didn’t mean anything personal by it. But I really wasn’t interested in being the kind of guy he wanted me to be and wished he’d lay off.

“I have seen many summer festivals on Japanese drama programs and I am so pleased to be able to take part in such a traditional activity,” Sonia said excitedly as we made our way to the beach.

“Oh, are there going to be fireworks?” I asked.

“Yup yup!” Ibuki answered me. “That’s what was in the boxes.”

“I am surprised to see you here, Hajime,” Sonia added. “Gundham told me you were spending time together this evening.”

“Yeah, we are. He’s here too.” I was happy to hear that Gundham had talked to Sonia today. I had been a bit worried that he would spend all day sulking over the failed summoning and Ibuki’s antics this morning. “He should already be at the beach.”

“Oh. I see.” Was that a hint of disappointment I heard in her voice? How strange. I wondered if they’d gotten into an argument or something. I didn’t want to pry though, especially with all these others around.

As predicted, Gundham was waiting for us when we arrived. He looked away when he saw me, and I wondered how much he was blushing. It was too dark to tell. I caught him sneaking glances at me as we set everything up and guessed that Ibuki wasn’t the only one who thought I looked cute in this yukata.

Once the fireworks were ready to go, Nekomaru took over the task of actually launching them. As the others chatted cheerfully and made appreciative noises over the display in the sky, I pulled Gundham over to sit on the beach with me away from the weak light of the lantern the others were grouped around. Everyone’s attention was on the show, so I felt safe wrapping an arm around his waist.

“What are you doing?” came Gundham’s strangled hiss from beside me.

“It’s dark enough to give us plausible deniability,” I whispered back.

“Humans are so reckless for such fragile creatures,” he complained. But after a moment, he cautiously put his arm around my shoulders.

I smiled and leaned into him, enjoying this buffer against the cold wind blowing in from the ocean. “You know, for the Supreme Overlord of Ice, you’re pretty warm.”

“I was spawned from the fires of hell,” he muttered into his scarf. “They warm me even on this mortal plane.”

I usually tried not to laugh when he said things like that, but I couldn’t help it this time. That was a bit melodramatic, even for him. “Oh yeah, you had a demon for a father, right?” He only nodded in response.

All four of the Devas had popped out of Gundham’s scarf and spread out on his person when the fireworks had begun. One now clambered its way over my head to settle on my far shoulder, and the six of us watched together in cozy silence for a while.

“Last one!” Nekomaru eventually shouted. I wasn’t ready for this moment with Gundham to end, but I gave him a light squeeze and broke away.

“This was really nice, thanks for coming,” I told him.

“How could I refuse a summons from you?” Despite the darkness, I could make out the smile on his face. I smiled too at how unusually direct he’d been with such a sweet sentiment. Glancing around to make sure no one was looking at us, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and stood up.

“Come on, let’s go back to the others.” I offered him a hand and helped him up, with somewhat more effort than he’d needed to pull me to my feet the other day.

“Hey, what were you lovebirds doing?” Akane grinned at us as we rejoined the group and their little circle of dim lantern light.

Gundham’s eyes bulged, but I just laughed. That had sounded like gentle ribbing rather than a full-blown accusation. “Aw come on, don’t tease. I wanted to pet his hamsters.” I gestured at the Deva still on my shoulder, which I could see now was San-D. She seemed like one of the more adventurous of the bunch.

“Ooo, is that a new euphemism?” Ibuki waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

I laughed again as Gundham started sputtering incoherently. “Please, he can’t take it! I don’t want him to pass out.”

“I will not be felled by such ignominious drivel!” Gundham’s voice was a solid octave higher than normal.

Was I just imagining things, or was Sonia looking at us thoughtfully? It was too dark to be sure. “Anyway.” I figured redirecting the conversation was a good idea at this point. “Thanks for putting all this together, Ibuki. It was great.”

“No problemo!” She threw me a sloppy salute. “This isn’t the last thing Ibuki’s planning. Stay tuned, folks.”

We spent a bit more time on the beach, chatting happily as a group, then walked slowly back to the hotel together. Spending time like this, I could almost forget the horrors of Monokuma’s killing game. I allowed myself to have hope, just for a little while, that we would manage to find our way off this island without losing any more of these people that had so quickly become my friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, everyone was enjoying the cute fluff chapters so much I wound up adding 4 more than I had planned for originally. Starting in a couple of chapters, things are finally going to start taking that hard turn I've been promising, because this is Danganronpa after all and I can't _not_ make these poor kids suffer. There'll still be plenty of the boys being cute together though, I promise.
> 
> And yeah, [Hajime in a yukata](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/26/03/fb/2603fbd5101607af0a469f1f65d7b0cc.jpg) is pretty cute, ngl.


	16. Spellbound

After changing out of the yukata, I went to Gundham’s cottage to wrap up his arm for him. He was astonished at how well I was able to do it with the tips I’d gotten from Mikan, telling me it felt like a second skin. His profuse thanks gave me a warm feeling of fulfillment and I thought I might have gained a greater understanding of the Ultimate Nurse and why she liked helping people like this.

Afterwards, we talked for a while, played with the Devas, and eventually found ourselves cuddling in bed again. “So,” I said, resting my head on his firm chest and enjoying the feel of his arm around me. “You said before that I’m still awakening to my true powers. What do you think those could be?”

“I believe you will have to discover that on your own. Although perhaps I could find ways to assist you.”

“Are you worried I’ll be stronger than you one day?” I asked playfully.

He scoffed. “Few beings in this world can rival my power. I do not think you shall ever be among their ranks.”

“Hmm.” I feigned thoughtfulness. “I think I could beat you though.”

“Oh? You would have the courage to even challenge one such as I? I suppose it is true you have never lacked for bravery in the past. Perhaps one day you shall even learn to temper it with caution.”

“Don’t underestimate me!” In one smooth motion, I sat up and swung a leg over him, straddling his lap. Then I raised my arms in a victorious pose. “Here lies Gundham Tanaka, defeated at the hands of- oh!”

He cut me off by grabbing my tie and pulling me down. “Not so defeated as you think.” He grinned triumphantly, kissing me to forestall any response.

Practically laying on top of him, I could feel my brain shutting off as something else took over. My hands, finding themselves on his waist, searched out the hem of his shirt and snuck in under it, brushing the bare skin of his hips.

His eyes shot open and he let out a yelp, muffled by my lips still pressed to his. Shocked, I jumped off of him and he rolled away from me, clutching his sides. Panic flooded my body. “Oh my god, I’m sorry.” I reached out to grab his shoulder, but thought better of it and dropped my hand to the bed between us. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done something like that without asking, I don’t know what I was thinking. Are you okay?”

He waved a hand in the air dismissively but didn’t turn back to face me. When he spoke, his voice sounded tight. “It is fine. I am unharmed.”

Unconvinced, I shook my head even though I knew he couldn’t see it. “No, it’s not fine. I fucked up, I hurt you.” Tears started to well up in my eyes.

Finally, he rolled over onto his back again and looked at me. The expression on his face was strained, but he shook his head firmly. “I said I am unharmed.”

“I didn’t mean like I _hurt_ you, hurt you,” I said, aware that I was starting to babble. “I mean-”

“You need not be concerned about that either,” he interrupted. I stared at him for a long moment before he haltingly tried to speak again. “It is not that- you see… it is just that I am…” There was another silent moment, during which a blush bloomed on his cheeks, before he turned away and mumbled something unintelligible.

“What?”

He snapped his red face back to me and pierced me with an intense glare. “You have sworn not to betray me. So if I reveal this weakness to you, it will not be used against me.” He said it like a statement, but I could feel the question behind it.

“Of course,” I confirmed for him. I felt utterly adrift in this conversation, but that was an anchor I could grab onto.

“I am extremely… ticklish,” he muttered reluctantly.

My mouth dropped open and I stared at him, speechless. Given his touch aversion that probably shouldn’t have been a surprise, but for some reason, it was the last thing I had expected. He started to cross his arms over his chest protectively, so I kicked my brain into gear to reassure him. “I’m sorry, I’ll be more careful in the future.”

He relaxed, and when I tentatively reached out towards him again he took my hand. I let myself relax too, collapsing onto my back beside him. “When you pulled me down on top of you like that, I... completely lost it. Sorry.”

“Kehehe.” Gundham looked surprisingly composed now, certainly more than I was. Seeing him like that comforted me, made things feel more normal again. I wondered if that was his intent. “It is understandable that you were overwhelmed by my power. You may have some of your own, but you are still a human. I suppose that makes you vulnerable. I warned you not to challenge me.”

“Hmmm.” A sly edge worked its way into my tone. “So, you have let slip another one of your secrets.”

“What?” Gundham narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“You said you were the offspring of an angel and a demon.” I tried to copy one of his characteristic knowing grins. “Well, I think I’ve figured out what kind of demon.”

“How could you possibly know such a thing?” he demanded.

“I’ve learned a thing or two about your powers, especially now that you’ve unleashed some of the more potent ones on me.” I pointed at him and declared dramatically, “The blood of an incubus runs in your veins!”

He recoiled from my accusation, stammering in protest. “H-how can you- Why do you keep saying things like this? Like this morning-”

“Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable?”

“I do not appreciate being mocked!”

“Mocked?” I sat up, suddenly serious. “Gundham, is it so hard for you to believe that I think you’re really attractive?”

“No one has ever- I mean, I am not exceptional in this regard!”

I laughed in disbelief. “Seriously? Gundham, you are easily the hottest guy on this island.”

“How can you say such nonsense?!”

“Well? Who do you think it is, then?”

He blushed and stammered again. “W-Well, I have never been good at determining… I mean, _you_ are very cute. And there is Komaeda, I suppose...?” He looked like he couldn’t believe he’d just said that and seemed to be searching my face for some sign that I was upset by it. I wasn’t. It was true, Nagito was pretty attractive. But of all the things about him I felt threatened by, this wasn’t one.

“I’m flattered, really, but I doubt anyone else would call me more attractive than you.”

“Nonsense!” he exclaimed again.

“Well, there’s only one way to settle this then.” I pretended like I was about to swing my legs off the bed and get up. “Let’s go ask around, take a poll.”

Gundham suddenly pounced on me with the speed of a cat, knocking me onto my back and pinning my wrists above my head. “Don’t you dare!” His eyes were wild with panic.

I laughed, blushing as I realized how… interesting it felt to be held down like that by him. He really was quite strong. “I was just joking, Gundham, I swear.”

His face calmed and he loosened his grip but didn’t let me go just yet. That was fine by me. “I do not understand you,” he lamented very quietly, shaking his head and sounding genuinely sad.

“I’m sorry, did I tease you too much today?” He didn’t answer, so after a few heartbeats I went on. “I’m telling the truth, though. You’d look really good already if you just rolled out of bed in the morning like I do, but then you put a lot of effort into looking even better! From the day we were dropped on this island I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” 

Despite my earnestness, the look on his face only grew more dejected. “Why is this so important to you?”

“Gundham…” I hadn’t expected this kind of reaction at all. Didn’t people normally like being called attractive? I had certainly felt good when he’d called me cute just now. I knew he had a hard time accepting compliments in general, but it seemed like something else was going on here. I frowned as a thought occurred to me. “Hey, are you worrying that that’s the only reason I like you?”

He looked away from me, not saying anything. It seemed like that had been right on the mark. “Gundham, it’s not like that at all! I’ve never had this much fun just being around someone before. Every time we’re together it’s like I’m being swept away on some kind of brand new adventure.” I put some wry pique into my tone. “Do you seriously think I would have gone to so much effort to get close to you just because of your looks? Who do you think I am, Kazuichi?”

A sardonic smile crept its way onto Gundham’s lips. “Perish the thought.”

“And hey, if we’ve been doing too much of the, you know,” I waggled my hands vaguely. “The physical stuff for you, we don’t have to. I mean, I love it, but I’m also happy to just hang out if that’s what you want. I never meant to push-”

He cut me off by leaning down to kiss me, more fervently than he ever had before. Something about being held down amplified the feeling intensely and it felt like every nerve in my body started firing all at once. A weak, appreciative moan escaped from me as I let myself fall away into that pleasant, but completely overwhelming, sensation.

One at a time, he let go of my wrists and twined his fingers through mine. Then he lowered himself onto his elbows, sinking into me. I let out another moan as I clenched his hands tight and my toes curled up of their own accord. When his mouth finally left mine I let out a shaky breath, then gasped as he kissed me softly behind the ear.

“Too much?” That deep whisper, directly in my ear, sent a shudder through me. I didn’t have enough presence of mind left to know what I wanted and could only manage an embarrassing squeak. He seemed to take that as a yes and released me, which was probably for the best. Laying beside me, he nestled himself in under an arm and put his head on my chest. He noticed my body shaking all over and pulled a blanket up over us, probably assuming I was cold. I wasn’t, but I also wasn’t going to complain about being under the covers with him.

I had no idea how long we laid there like that, as my shivering gradually subsided and my heart stopped trying to beat its way out of my chest. “Holy shit…” I eventually said, still breathless and dazed. I’d had no idea anything could feel like that. It had been almost too much for me to handle, but at the same time, I’d never wanted it to end.

“I barely realized that I was restraining you. I should not have done that, forgive me.”

“No, no!” My voice came out squeaky again and I swallowed before continuing. “Th-that was… I liked that.”

“Oh? Perhaps I shall add this technique to my repertoire.” He laughed at the strangled squeak that accompanied my vigorous nod. “It seems you are becoming my fifth Dark Deva of Destruction.” I blushed furiously at his teasing.

As we lay in blissful silence for a while, I idly brushed his undercut, which had grown out just enough to feel like soft fur under my fingertips. A warm feeling of deep affection built in my heart as I looked at him, and I suddenly felt like it would burst if I didn’t say anything. Was blurting this out a mistake? I didn’t think I could stop myself even if I knew it was for sure. “Gundham,” I started, slowly. “I know we’ve barely known each other any time at all so it’s probably too soon to be saying something like this, and you don’t have to say it back but… I think I’m in love with you.”

Gundham was looking down, and I couldn’t see his expression from this angle. I held my breath as I waited for him to respond, to say or do anything. Eventually, wordlessly, he reached one arm across my chest and squeezed me tight. I let out a relieved sigh. He didn’t have to say anything, he didn’t even have to feel the same way yet. I was glad enough that he acknowledged my words and didn’t run away from them.

When his hug loosened, he looked up at me. I couldn’t read his expression at all. “Hajime, can I ask you to do something?”

“Of course.”

He got up from the bed and went over to his bookshelf. Running a finger across the spines of several books, he stopped at an old, impressive-looking tome and pulled it out. As he returned, he flipped through it until he found what he was looking for and held it up to me. The page depicted a symbol, similar in appearance to the summoning circle we’d drawn on the beach this morning. “This is a sigil of binding,” he explained. “If we were to use it, it would connect our souls. I shall be more easily able to protect you, lend you my powers, or find you should we become separated.”

My mouth dropped open. I still didn’t know if he genuinely believed in this stuff or not, but even if it was purely symbolic it was an incredibly touching gesture. “Do you think this one will work? We didn’t have much luck earlier.”

“Perhaps. Perhaps not. Either way, I do not believe it has any potential to cause you harm. Any consequences should fall on me, as the one weaving the threads of power.”

I took the book from him to examine the symbol more closely. There were a lot of thin lines and careful detail, and the text surrounding it was once again in a language I didn’t recognize. “What would we have to do exactly? Draw this together?”

“No, I will have to inscribe it upon your person.”

I looked up at him in surprise. “What, like a tattoo?”

He shook his head and returned to the shelf to grab a flat wooden box. He brought it over to me, and the strong scent of some essential oil escaped as he flipped it open on its hinges to show me the contents. Inside were vials of powders and liquids, as well as some fine-pointed brushes and other implements I didn’t recognize. “Henna,” he explained. “It will stain your skin, then fade over the course of several weeks.”

“Huh. Is that how you do your…” I dragged a pair of fingers down my face, over my left eye. “Your scar thing?”

He looked shifty, like he really didn’t want to answer that, then deflated. “Hmph. Perhaps I should take greater care with what I reveal to you,” he muttered. “Your skills at observation and deduction do not only serve you in the class trials.”

“Well, it sounds like you know what you’re doing with it, then,” I tried to smile reassuringly. It seemed like he hadn’t wanted to ruin his mystique, and I hoped he wouldn’t actually start trying to be more secretive with me again. Every new thing he’d shown me so far had only made my feelings for him grow.

“Yes. Well. Do you have further questions?”

“Yeah…” I took a deep breath. This next one was the most important, and I found myself unable to look him in the eyes as I asked it. “You really want to bind your soul to mine?”

He placed a hand on my head and gently tousled my already messy hair. “In a way, I believe it already is.”

I was stunned. My clumsy confession of love suddenly seemed paltry compared to this. I knew he wouldn’t want me to think that though, so I pushed the thought out of my mind and spoke with determination as I looked up at him. “Okay then, let’s do it. Where do you need to draw it?”

“That should not matter. The choice is yours.”

“Hmm, well probably not somewhere everyone’s gonna see it. So, under my clothes, I guess…” I trailed off and blushed as I realized what that meant.

He knelt in front of me, making me remember the time when he told me he was interested in being more than friends. Right before that incredible, unforgettable kiss. “Is that still alright?”

I thought for a moment, then nodded. “My back is probably the best spot,” I mumbled.

Gundham reached up tentatively and, both our faces shading to a deep crimson, loosened my tie and pulled it over my head. Then he started undoing the buttons of my shirt. He did it carefully, slowly, almost reverently, making this feel like part of the ritual. After the last one was undone, he reached up and slipped his fingers under the cloth still on my shoulders. His warm hands followed all the way down my arms as he slid it away, then pulled it off completely.

My brain, which had been failing me a lot this evening, shut down again. Every part of me wanted him to push me back into the mattress and start kissing me, but if he had I probably would have passed out. Trying to get a hold of myself and suppress my renewed shivering, I screwed my eyes tight shut and gripped the edge of the bed.

“Are you well?” he asked.

“I think I need a minute,” I gasped, not opening my eyes.

“Of course. I have much to prepare, anyway.” I felt him stand up and move away from me.

It took a few deep breaths before I could pry my lids open. When I did, Gundham was measuring out some ingredients into a small bowl. I shook myself to discharge some nervous energy before I spoke. “Okay. Is there anything I need to do?”

“Just make sure that you are comfortable,” he said absently, squinting as he tapped at a bottle of powder to dispense it carefully.

I pulled the blanket up over myself and snuggled in while I watched his preparations. I was vaguely annoyed that he had taken my shirt off _before_ doing all of that, but maybe having some time to get comfortable with it was better anyway. When he was finished, he brought everything back over and smiled at me. “Are you ready?”

I nodded. He kissed me as he pulled the blanket away, and I barely managed to stop myself from whimpering. When he gently placed a hand on my bare back, I had to pull away. It was too much. How could he look so calm right now? He’d gotten so uncomfortable when I kissed him last night, but he was acting completely differently now. I had no idea why. “Um.” I swallowed and tried not to sound timid. “Let’s get started, then.”

“Very well.” He gave me one more kiss on the forehead before getting to work. After my initial nervousness at being less than fully clothed with him started to subside, I actually found the whole thing very relaxing. The mixture filled the room with the strong, pleasant scent of that essential oil that had filled the box, and he was thoughtful to a fault, explaining each part of the process and warning me before doing anything new. I had to make an effort not to doze off.

It took him some time to replicate the pattern, moving slowly to ensure everything was neat and he didn’t make any mistakes, so we were still awake well past the evening announcement. “You will have to leave it on overnight,” he said when he was finally done. “I shall remove it in the morning.”

“So, I’m staying here again tonight?”

“Only if you wish to, of course.” He got up and fished a nondescript white t-shirt out of a drawer, which he tossed over to me. “Once dried to your skin the paste probably will not stain your clothes, but it is best to be cautious. I will not miss this if it is ruined.”

I sat up and pulled the shirt on. We were similar in size so it fit okay. A bit loose, but if I was going to be sleeping in it that was ideal anyway. As he went to start getting ready for bed, I picked up the spellbook and idly flipped through it a little. I couldn’t read a word of it, of course, but the care and detail put into the sigils and images was fascinating. In the front of the book, however, I found something I recognized.

“Huh? Where’d you get this?” I held up the photograph I’d found tucked into the cover. It was the image Mahiru had taken of me smiling on the beach the day before her death.

Gundham, who had been washing his face, toweled off and walked over. “Oh. Saionji recovered Koizumi’s photographs after her passing. I requested this one from her.”

I looked down at the picture. It really was very good. Mahiru’s talent was obvious. I remembered being annoyed with her when she took it, but now I was glad it existed.

“How did you know about it at all?” I asked slowly.

Gundham sat down beside me and looked like he was thinking about what to say. “She showed it to me, shortly after taking it,” he admitted.

“What? That day?” His only response was a nod. “And she told you what we talked about?”

“With all the clarity of a sphinx,” he said, sounding a bit miffed. “But that was why I asked you so many questions when we spoke later. I was trying to solve her riddles, discover why she brought this to me.”

I laughed a little, wiping away some tears that had been forming in my eyes before they could fall onto the photograph. “She was pushing me to talk to you that day too.”

He smiled softly, putting an arm around my waist and pressing a kiss into my hair. “I suppose we should thank her for her meddling, then.”

Sadness gripped my heart as I stared at the photo in my hands. “She didn’t deserve to die,” I whispered.

“No,” Gundham agreed. After a long silence, he cleared his throat, as if chasing away the emotion clogging it. “She told me that this was how you looked when she asked you why you were fond of me. I did not know her well, but she has my eternal gratitude for immortalizing that look.”

Tucking the photo back into the book and putting it aside, I gave Gundham a tight hug. Then I lay down, pulling him with me. I snaked one arm under his neck and wrapped the other around his chest, and he made a noise of strangled surprise when I hugged him close.

“Is this okay?” I wanted to make sure I didn’t make any more mistakes tonight like my accidental tickling. He nodded, but his expression was strained. It so often was when I touched him, I reflected with a hint of sadness. But I just laughed softly. “You know, I really don’t understand you either. How can you kiss me like you did tonight but be uncomfortable with something like this?”

“I… am sorry,” he mumbled, and I was surprised to hear such a simple and straightforward apology from him. There was one problem with it, though.

“It’s not something to be sorry about,” I reassured him. As I spoke those words, he grabbed the hand I had placed on his chest and interlaced his fingers with mine in what felt like a gesture of thanks. I kissed his hair and nuzzled the back of his head. “I know you’re not ready to say it back yet, but can I keep telling you how I feel about you?”

Gundham gave a tiny nod so I leaned in and whispered in his ear. “I love you, Gundham Tanaka.” He shivered and closed his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and, slowly, his tense body began to relax. I let myself start to drift off, still holding him in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, that was a long one! Nearly three times as long as my usual updates, but I didn't want to break this scene into multiple chapters. Hope you all enjoyed it!
> 
> Have a [Gundham lookin' a bit ticklish](https://64.media.tumblr.com/704fb608988e5ca53c1076e9438b3bb3/tumblr_oq7mqpd3CY1tkcba2o2_540.png) ([Source](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/160843567196/congratulations-hajime-you-have-obtained-a)), and a [little spoon Gundham](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8b/68/27/8b6827aca35c3e4c5a157b80946c1b68.jpg). We can just pretend Sonia is Hajime, it's fine. ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/65948209)).


	17. You've Suffered Enough

We were awoken early the next morning by a loud, rhythmic knocking on the cottage door. I groaned as Gundham growled in anger, hoping whoever it was would give up and leave. Unfortunately, the banging was persistent.

“Shit,” I mumbled, dragging my exhausted body out of bed and going to hide in the bathroom. “Don’t let them come inside.” Just like in my cottage, the door and most of the wall separating the bathroom from the main room were made of glass. However, Gundham had hung up a large, dark curtain adorned with an occult symbol over his so I was able to do a decent job at staying out of sight.

After giving me enough time to squirrel myself away, Gundham opened the door. “Heeeey Gundham!” came Ibuki’s sing-song voice.

“You are brave to disturb me at such an hour.” His voice sounded dangerous, but Ibuki wasn’t perturbed.

“I’m inviting everyone to a show at the music venue tonight!”

“Do not trouble me again with such trivialities!” I couldn’t see what was happening, but it sounded like Ibuki blocked the door with her foot as Gundham attempted to close it.

“Pleeeeease? Everyone should have some fun tonight. Ibuki wants her music to bring everyone together to celebrate Fuyuhiko coming back!”

“You are not going to leave until I at least tell you I will consider it, are you?” I had never heard him sounding so exasperated. There was no audible response from Ibuki, so she must have just made a face at him. “Very well, you abominable hellion. If I have no more pressing matters to attend to, I will give it some thought. But know that if you attempt such a thing as this again, I will tear your very soul to shreds!”

“Yahooo! Thanks, Gundham. See you there!”

I heard the sound of the door closing, and then Gundham stuck his head into the bathroom, looking rankled. “She has departed. Will we never have peace from Mioda and her- her-” he looked like he was struggling to find a word that would convey his depth of feeling on the matter. “Her… _shenanigans_!” he came up with finally.

I hopped down from the rim of the bathtub where I had been balancing and made my way back over to the bed, where I threw myself down face-first. “I don’t know. I’m going back to sleep,” I muttered, my voice muffled by the soft, white sheets. I dragged myself back up to the pillows and flailed around for the blanket. Gundham, with surprising thoughtfulness, had already grabbed it. “Thank you,” I said through a yawn as he placed it over me gently.

“Now that I am awakened to this world, I shall remain so. But see that you rest well.” He sat down on the bed and started petting my hair. Just like the last time he’d done that, I could feel my energy being sapped away and replaced with an unmatched feeling of warm contentment. I made a small, appreciative noise as my eyes closed and I sank back into sleep.

* * *

“Hajime.” Gundham’s voice, quiet but firm, woke me. I didn’t want to get up yet, so I just shifted and groaned a little, trying to pull the covers over my face. A strong hand stopped me and something brushed my cheeks. I blearily opened my eyes to see what it was just as Gundham’s soft lips met mine. His fingers ran through my hair as I kissed him back. I wasn’t sure I could imagine a more pleasant way to wake up.

When he pulled away, I realized that it was his hair that had been tickling my face. He was wearing it down today. It was clearly still styled but had a much more natural look than his usual spike. I reached up to brush it with my fingers, smiling sleepily. “This looks great, I love it.”

As he blushed at my words and pulled his scarf up over his face, I realized he was already fully dressed. “It is more comfortable,” he muttered, then changed the subject completely before I could levy further compliments at him. “You slept through that dread bear’s morning announcement. I did not wish to wake you, but all the others are likely at the restaurant by now.”

“Okay.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “Thanks. I should go change.” Gundham gave me another quick kiss, then made sure the coast was clear for me to return to my cottage.

A trickle of ice water ran down my spine when I arrived to find my lock broken. It took me a moment to gather my courage enough to push the door open, but when I did there didn’t seem to be anyone else inside or signs of anything being tampered with. This was a mystery I was going to have to solve, but right now I was in a hurry and didn’t even know where to start. Deciding to leave it for later, I pulled on a change of clothes and made my way straight to the restaurant.

As I walked up the stairs, I heard Hiyoko shouting and quickened my pace. The scene that greeted me filled me with instant panic. After everything I had been through on this island, it seemed like my body was constantly ready to go into this state at a moment’s notice. Hiyoko’s wrath was directed at a contrite-looking Fuyuhiko, who suddenly pulled a tanto out of his sleeve. Everyone else seemed frozen in shock as he ripped off the sheath and pointed the blade at his own stomach. But before he could plunge it into himself, I tackled him, knocking it from his hand and wrapping my arms around his tiny frame to restrain him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he shouted, too shocked to struggle.

“What the hell are _you_ doing?” I shouted back.

“I’m trying to take some fucking responsibility for what I’ve done!”

“You’ve suffered enough, Fuyuhiko! Don’t hurt yourself. Please.”

He sagged at my words like a puppet with its strings cut, and I lowered him to the floor. Then I rounded on Hiyoko, my voice full of dark rage. “Is that enough for you? Or do you need him to actually bleed?”

She was silent, her face red with embarrassment as she looked away and went to sit back down. I turned to Fuyuhiko again, who was on his knees, staring at his hands and looking defeated. I was relieved to see that Gundham, who’d arrived at the restaurant before me, had had the presence of mind to pick up and re-sheath the tanto, removing the immediate danger. Kneeling before Fuyuhiko, I placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Looking like a petulant child, he pushed me away. There wasn’t much force behind it. Then he struggled to his feet, brushed himself off, and went to sit at an empty table as far from Hiyoko as possible. Sighing and wiping sweat from my forehead, I got up too and took a seat next to Gundham.

Ibuki’s voice broke the silence, her light, cheerful tone contrasting with the intense atmosphere in the room. “That was some quick thinking, Hajime! Where were you this morning?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” The sudden change of topic was too much for me to follow.

“You weren’t in your cottage when Ibuki came to invite you to her show!”

Gundham and I both stiffened at her accusation, but I responded as calmly as I could. “I was pretty tired. Your knocking probably just didn’t wake me up.”

She shook her head. “Nuh-uh! I broke in and you weren’t there.”

Well, at least that answered the mystery of the broken lock. I desperately wanted to know what was going on on Gundham’s face, but I didn’t dare look over at him. My own face went red in the silence as I struggled to think up a convincing lie. Nothing came to me, so I just stalled. “You broke into my cottage? What if I was in the shower or something?!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t have minded!” She grinned innocently.

“Hey…” came Kazuichi’s suspicious voice, ignoring my attempt to redirect the conversation. “You were acting weird the other night too. You and Gundham were sneaking around real late, going to his cottage. You two aren’t plotting something, are you?”

“Umm.” Much to my surprise, Mikan came to our rescue. “H-Hajime has been helping Gundham with his bandages.” I relaxed a bit. Could she have just given us an out?

Kazuichi didn’t seem entirely satisfied, though. “If he needs help why aren’t you doing it, Mikan?”

“Oh, apparently Hajime is the only person Gundham lets touch him,” she said brightly. All eyes turned towards the two of us as my hope died.

There was a sound beside me as Gundham stood up suddenly, his chair screeching along the wooden floor. His coat flapped out behind him as he turned quickly and fled down the stairs, leaving me alone to deal with everyone’s suspicion. Again. I swore under my breath. We were going to have to talk about his tendency to literally run away from difficult conversations.

“Hey!” Kazuichi exclaimed. He stood as if to chase after the fleeing man, but froze when Sonia’s commanding voice cut through the air.

“Let him go, Kazuichi!” From her face, I could tell that she had guessed what was going on. I slumped back into my chair, trying to make myself invisible as they argued.

“But Miss Sonia, he could be planning to do something dangerous!”

“If he were, it would be safest to stay here with the rest of the group, would it not?” Unable to find any fault with her logic, Kazuichi sat slowly back down.

Hiyoko’s unpleasant snicker was the next sound to draw everyone’s attention. “Oh, so _that’s_ why Gundham wanted that photo so bad.”

With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I realized she had figured it out too. I felt like I could trust Sonia to keep a secret and not make our lives difficult, but Hiyoko was another matter entirely. Even if she didn’t say anything outright, she would start mocking us pointedly until everyone else came to their own conclusions.

“Whaaat? What photo? What are they hiding?” It was Kazuichi again.

“Fuck, how dense can you be?” Fuyuhiko broke in from his lonely corner. “Why don’t you try banging your only two brain cells together a little harder until something useful comes out?”

“Why does everyone else seem to know what’s going on?” Kazuichi moaned. “Hajime, you’re not planning to let him sacrifice you like Nagito, are you?”

“What? Of course not! Don’t compare me to that psycho!”

“Trash like me should never be compared to one of you Ultimates,” Nagito agreed. “But I am so happy that you and Gundham have found some hope in each other, Hajime.” As he turned a friendly smile on me, fear started to wrap its fingers around my heart. He was the last person I’d wanted to find out about this. What if he used this information to hurt me? Or worse, to hurt Gundham? I silently cursed Monomi for ever untying him.

“Everyone be quiet!” Sonia’s voice rose above the hubbub again. In the suffocating silence that followed, she stood and walked over to me, placing a hand on my slumped shoulder. “Hajime,” she went on in a more normal tone. “I wish to speak with you privately. Please come.” I wordlessly followed while she led me out of the restaurant. As we arrived in front of the old building, Fuyuhiko trotted up behind us.

“I wish to speak with Hajime in private, Fuyuhiko,” Sonia repeated.

“I think I know what this is about. I have some things to say too.”

Sonia looked over at me and I nodded, giving my assent for him to join us. We went into the office, where I slid down the wall and hugged my knees to my chest, burying my face in them. Fuyuhiko sat down beside me while the princess remained standing, arms crossed.

After an awkward silence, she addressed me first. “So, it is true? You and Gundham are… together?”

I nodded into my knees, not bringing my head up to look at her.

“I am very happy for you both!” I thought I detected a hint of fragility in her tone, although I wasn’t sure why. “I am sorry it had to be revealed to the group in such a way.”

“Yeah, that seemed pretty humiliating,” Fuyuhiko said frankly.

“Fuyuhiko!” Sonia chided, but I laughed and lifted my head. His no-bullshit approach actually felt like exactly what I needed right now.

“Yeah, that… wasn’t fun.”

“I’m not gonna pretend to understand why him of all people,” Fuyuhiko went on. “But I’m sure plenty of you thought that about me and Peko too, so I’m not one to judge.”

“I truly am very happy for you.” I looked up at Sonia’s words. Like her tone, her smile was fragile, as though she were trying to hold back tears.

“Hey, are you okay?” Her face made me forget my own concerns for a moment.

She sniffed a little, trying to compose herself. “I am fine. If you are all right, I suppose I do not have much else to say other than that I will be here if you ever wish to talk to someone. I shall go find Gundham and tell him what has transpired. It seems you are in fine hands with Fuyuhiko.”

“Oh, okay. Thank you for rescuing me in there. And for being such a good friend.” She smiled, bright and brittle as sparkling glass, and left.

“What was she so upset about?” I wondered idly, staring at the door after she left.

“Man, you’re not as dense as Kazuichi but it takes you a while to get there sometimes doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean?” I looked over to see Fuyuhiko rolling his eyes.

“She’s into your boyfriend, dumbass.”

“Oh. Huh.”

“Haven’t you seen the way she talks to him? Kazuichi’s always bitching about it.”

“I just thought he was reading too much into her being friendly.” Thinking back on some of their interactions through that lens, I could see some of the signs, though. “I guess I was too busy falling for him myself to notice her doing it too.”

“Well, she doesn’t seem like the type to make an issue of it, anyway. I don’t think she’d try to break you up or be anything like that pink-haired jackass is with her.”

“Yeah, I’m not worried about that.” I sighed and stretched out my legs, leaning back against the wall.

“Listen, you ever need anything, you let me know okay?” Fuyuhiko sounded determined. “Anyone fucks with you over this, or anything else, I’ll make sure they don’t do it again. I owe you one for what you did today.”

I shook my head. “No, you don’t. I’m just glad I was fast enough. Anyone would have done the same for a friend.”

“Well, I guess I don’t have many friends here, because no one else was stepping up to the fucking plate.” His voice was bitter now. “And thanks for talking down Hiyoko too. Fuck, I can’t believe I have to tiptoe around that horrible little bitch’s feelings now.”

“Well,” I said, some sternness entering my tone. “You did kind of kill her best friend. I’m not sure I’d ever have been able to forgive you if you’d killed Gundham.”

He stared down at the floor for a while before responding quietly. “Yeah. Yeah, I did. I’m… really not proud of that, you know? She was just some high schooler who got wrapped up in some bad shit, she didn’t deserve to die. And now Peko’s dead too because I was a selfish fucking idiot.”

What he’d done had been horrible, but I couldn’t muster any real anger at him for it. The only person I wanted to blame for this was Monokuma. So I let myself soften towards him. “I’m sorry. It was obvious at the trial how much you cared about her.”

“I spent my whole life in love with her but she never saw me in the same way. I was her master. I was just an idea to her, just the heir to the Kuzuryu clan. Just someone to serve. She’d do anything for me, she’d die for me. Fuck, she _did_ die for me. But all I ever wanted was for her to see me as just... Fuyuhiko. The dumbass kid who loved her more than anything. Who needed her. Not a tool. Her.”

I looked over as his voice started to break and saw tears in his single remaining eye. This seemed like a level of grief I couldn’t even begin to imagine. They’d been together all their lives, been so close, and now she was gone. I had no idea what to say, so I resorted to changing the subject a bit. “You know, the day before she died, Mahiru told me this place was a pressure cooker. That it was throwing so much stress at us all our feelings were being blown way out of proportion. I can kind of understand why you did what you did, even if I don’t want to. You obviously regret it and… I think I can forgive you, okay?”

“I dont… I don’t need…” He sniffled, and I took the opening to cut him off before he could say something stupid and defensive.

“We’re all stuck in this situation together, and the last thing we need is to be fighting each other. So, you should know that I see you as a friend and I’ll be here for you like I would any other friend. If you need anything, or just need to talk.”

He threw his head back and laughed, wiping his face. “Look at me. I came here because _you_ were in some shit, but I’m the one who wound up crying. Fucking pathetic.”

I patted his shoulder in what I hoped was a reassuring way, then got up. After a moment’s hesitation, he took my proffered hand and I helped pull him to his feet. I wasn’t strong like Gundham, but Fuyuhiko was small and light so it wasn’t difficult. “You’re not pathetic, man. _Kazuichi’s_ pathetic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I was a bit mean to Kazuichi this chapter, but I promise his time will come. He's just a bit of a hot mess right now and Hajime is over it.
> 
> Gundham's [wearing his hair down](https://fuu-kun.tumblr.com/post/161265040348/a-super-silhouette-y-gunny) like it is in the anime for the rest of the fic. You're welcome.
> 
> And are you all ready for the [bromance of a lifetime](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/19/99/9d/19999d5dd29c1d33d56b0e371c7573ec.jpg) ([Source](https://serpenteaus.tumblr.com/post/624931315936083968/kuzuhina-week-pt2)) to finally begin? I sure am, I love these two together.


	18. Twisted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  ! (hover over exclamation mark for details)
> 
> Detail-free tl;dr for the whole chapter in endnotes.

After parting ways with Fuyuhiko I went straight to Gundham’s cottage, but there was no response when I knocked at his door. I waited and tried again, announcing who I was in case he was trying to hide in there from the others, but again there was no response.

I swore loudly, suddenly really angry with him. I was already upset at having been abandoned in the dining hall, and now he was still nowhere to be found. Even if I’d wanted to give him some space, the paste on my back from last night was getting itchy and I couldn’t exactly remove it myself. So I had no choice but to track him down.

My first thought was to check the ranch. Despite his claim to prefer to avoid livestock, he spent a lot of his time there. However, it was empty and I had no idea where else he might be. I wandered around the islands for a while looking for him, but after a few hours I gave up. Thinking I might be able to find something at the market I could use to remove the paste myself, I headed back to the first island.

As I browsed aimlessly through Rocketpunch, I heard something that sent a chill down my spine. “Hajime! I was hoping I’d find you,” came Nagito’s unnatural, cheery voice. I spun around and saw him walking towards me. He didn’t have any obvious weapons, but that didn’t make me any more comfortable being alone here with him. I backed away, keeping my eyes on him like he was some kind of dangerous animal. I was so focused on his horrible, mad eyes that I didn’t notice when I reached the end of the aisle until I bumped into the wall.

Nagito had gained ground on me as I stumbled my way backwards, and was only a few feet from me now. His friendly smile belied the violence with which he slammed an arm into the wall to block my escape as I tried to turn away. Cold fear gripped me. I couldn’t even begin to guess how strong he was under that baggy hoodie he wore all the time. Damnit, why was I the only guy on this tropical fucking island who wore short sleeves? It seemed like such a ridiculous thought to have in that moment.

“What’s wrong, Hajime? I just want to talk to you.” His smile took on a dangerous edge I hadn’t seen before. “But you avoid me a lot, so it’s lucky I ran into you here, don’t you think?”

“What do you want, Nagito?” I tried to fill my voice with anger to drown out the terror.

“I wanted to congratulate you and Gundham on your new relationship.” He moved his head to block my line of sight as I tried to look around for some means of escape. “Finding love in times like these is such a precious thing, don’t you think? It fills me with hope to see you two together.”

“I’ll be sure to let him know you care,” I said, dryly. “Is that all?”

He leaned in towards me and continued as if I hadn’t interrupted. “But a hope like that can be so fragile, can’t it? If anything happens to either of you, it’ll be crushed by the despair of grief. And in such a dangerous place, anything really could happen. At any time. You can’t always be there to protect each other. Just like now.”

“Is that a threat?”

He laughed and put a hand on my chest. There wasn’t any force behind it, but I got the definite impression that if I tried anything that would change. I realized that my best opportunity to get away from him had probably already passed, and braced myself for whatever he was going to do. “I wonder, Hajime. What would you do to protect that hope?”

“So, what, you’re saying you’ll kill Gundham if I don’t do something for you?” He didn’t respond, not even with a change in expression. It was almost more terrifying to see him hear something like that without reacting than it would have been to have gotten an outright confirmation. “What do you want from me? What could I possibly do for you?”

Nagito’s soft, fluffy hair brushed my cheek as he leaned in further to whisper in my ear. “I want you to show me hope, Hajime.” He moved his hand up my chest until his fingers brushed my collar. As he stroked my clavicle with his index finger, I felt the tug of him starting to loosen my tie. I was too stunned to move. I had thought he would pull a knife on me, or hit me, or try to strangle me. I wasn’t mentally prepared to deal with this instead.

All at once, he pushed his body into mine, pressing me roughly into the wall. Then he slid a hand down my side, worming his slender fingers a couple of inches into my pants. His other, still on my chest, had loosened my tie enough that he could start undoing a few buttons. One of his legs between mine and he moved against me hungrily, kissing the side of my neck as he opened my shirt.

I shuddered in disgust and horror. I wanted his skin, his mouth, his fingers to be cold and clammy, to feel as disgusting as he was. But they weren’t. He was warm and soft, just like Gundham. A wave of revulsion crashed through me as that thought twisted something inside me into a knot.

“Hajime,” he moaned sickeningly into my ear. Then he bit into it, hard. The sudden pain broke my shocked paralysis. Mustering all my strength, I brought my knee up into his crotch and pushed him away, screaming in rage and pain as his teeth tore a ragged gash in my earlobe. I saw blood on his pale lips as he crashed into a display, cackling, and fell to the ground. Not pausing to look back, I ran as fast as I could out of the market and back to the hotel, Nagito’s poisonous laugh seeming to follow me the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR: Hajime can't find Gundham after his talk with Fuyuhiko and spends some time looking for him. Nagito finds him alone in the supermarket and threatens him/gets handsy with him. Hajime kicks him in the nads and runs off.
> 
> Alright, I know we veered into some dark territory with this chapter. It's not my intent to treat the subject matter lightly, and this isn't going to be a throwaway incident. It'll be referenced in and have a large effect on upcoming chapters, so I'm sorry to anyone who has a rough time with this stuff.
> 
> There's one chapter in particular that will have a description of the attack, I'll put up another warning and tl;dr like this for that one when it comes up.
> 
> And lastly, fanart (CW for everything previously discussed): [SFW Nagito being a creep](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/51028243).


	19. Being There

Bursting into my cottage, I slammed the door shut with my whole body. Eyes screwed tight shut, I leaned against it, panting and shaking as I tried to calm down enough to think.

“Hajime? What is the matter?” I jumped and fear coursed through me again as I realized there was someone else in the room. It drained away almost immediately as I registered who the voice belonged to.

“Gundham!” I staggered towards where he was sitting on my sofa and collapsed into his arms. Clutching at his back, I buried my face in his chest and broke into uncontrollable sobs.

Gundham held me, not saying a word, until my crying started to subside. Then he dragged me to the bed and sat me down, looking me over. Noticing blood on my collar, he gently turned my face to the side and let out a pained hiss when he saw my ear. “Hajime, will you be alright alone for a few moments while I summon Tsumiki?”

I nodded, tears still streaming down my face, and he rushed off. As soon as he was gone I lay down and curled up into a ball. Another wave of fear swelled up in me as I considered the possibility of Nagito having followed me and ambushing Gundham as he left my cottage. But I didn’t have to stew in that fear for long before Gundham returned. Mikan wasn’t with him.

“She was not in her cottage. I sent someone to fetch her,” he explained, walking over to my bathroom. He ran a clean towel under some water and brought it over to where I lay. “Hajime,” he said very softly as sat down beside me and started to clean the blood off of my neck. “What happened?”

I shook my head jerkily, wincing as the motion caused a jolt of pain to shoot out from my ear. Gundham didn’t ask again. He found a clean spot on the towel and dabbed at the tears on my face, then put it aside and stroked my hair in silence for a long time, careful not to disturb my ear. I let myself close my eyes, slowly surrendering to the sense of calm that gesture always spread through me.

There was a sudden banging on my door and I sat bolt upright, panic filling me again. “Open up!”

“Fuyuhiko?” I muttered, settling down. Had he been the one Gundham sent to find Mikan? Why him, of all people?

Gundham got up and opened the door, letting him in. He had indeed brought Mikan, who rushed in behind him with a large bag. She sat down next to me and started fishing things out of it with a practiced, professional air.

“Fucking hell, Gundham,” Fuyuhiko sounded relieved, and out of breath. “The way you were panicking, I thought he was about to die.” He sank down to the floor, leaning against the wall and wiping sweat off his brow.

Gundham glared at him, looking like he was struggling to keep himself from shouting at the little man. But when he heard my hiss of pain as Mikan started cleaning out my wound, he spun around and rushed over, kneeling beside me and taking my hand. There was an appraising look in Fuyuhiko’s eye as it followed him.

“Umm, it’s going to need a few stitches but it’s not that bad,” Mikan said, only a trace of her habitual stammer still present in her voice. “W-wounds on the head bleed a lot, so it usually looks worse than it is. How did this happen? Did you get it caught on something?”

“Something like that,” I choked out, darkly.

“I believe some wretched fiend did this to him.” Gundham’s voice was tight with fury.

“O-oh no! Wh-who would d-d-do that?” Mikan’s stutter worsened as she got more nervous with the situation.

Everyone looked at me, expecting an answer, but when I didn’t respond Mikan finished her work without further prying. Even though I knew she was the Ultimate Nurse, I was still surprised that a high school student knew how to do things like put in stitches. We really were lucky to have her here with us. She gave me some instructions on caring for the wound going forward and warned me it would probably leave a scar. It sounded like it would heal just fine though, which would have been a relief if Nagito’s looming specter had left any room in my mind for something as trivial as that to worry me.

When Mikan was finished, Gundham ushered her and Fuyuhiko out of the cottage and spoke with them for a bit outside where I couldn’t hear. Then he came back in and sat beside me. “I would like to know what transpired.” His tone was flat, but I could sense the roiling sea of emotions carefully walled off behind it.

I took a breath as if to start talking, but burst into tears again instead. He held me to him once more, petting my head soothingly, and after a while, I was able to get out some words. “Only if you swear you won’t run off and do something stupid.”

Gundham’s body must have been holding a tension I hadn’t even noticed because I could feel him slowly relax. “Very well,” he agreed.

“It was Nagito. He cornered me in the supermarket while I was looking for you today.”

He growled like an angry lion. “Of course it was that villain. He was trying to kill you?”

“No, he-” I stopped, realizing I really didn’t want to talk about what had happened. Just thinking about the way Nagito had pressed himself into me with predatory hunger filled me with nausea. There was no way I could put into words what he had done. Not yet. “He was trying to scare me,” I finished, then laughed bitterly. “It worked.”

“He merely meant to torment you?”

I shook my head again, hugging Gundham around the waist as I pieced together the suspicions that had been turning themselves over in my brain. “No, I don’t think so. I think he was trying to… trying to use what happened this morning to goad one of us into killing him.”

At the mention of the morning’s events, I could feel Gundham slump. That was more than a little surprising, as I’d never seen any kind of defeated body language like that from him before. He separated from me, then cleared his throat nervously. “Sonia informed me of what occurred after my departure. It seems the others now know of our… relationship. I suppose this must be the will of causality.”

Some of my anger from this morning returned at that apparent abdication of responsibility and I crossed my arms, looking away from him. I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I waited for him to go on instead. When he did, his voice was full of quiet regret. “I should not have left you to fight that battle alone.”

“Yeah, that sucked,” I spat out, unrelenting.

There was a long silence, during which Gundham pulled one of the Devas from his scarf and held it, petting it as if to comfort himself. That gesture shot a hole right through my heart, and my arms dropped limply to my sides.

“Where did you go?” My tone was pleading now. As if by knowing where he was I could go back and find him right away this time, and never have to run into Nagito at the supermarket. “I was looking for you, you weren’t in your cottage.”

“I am sorry, Hajime. I did not intend to be inaccessible to you. Sonia reached me first, and she insisted on walking as we discussed what happened in the restaurant. I returned not long after, but it seems I was too late.”

I sighed, rubbing at my face with one hand. “Right. So the whole time I was running around looking for you, you were just waiting here for me?”

Gundham must have misread my frustration as being directed at him because he looked crestfallen. “Hajime-”

“Sorry, I’m not mad at you for that,” I interrupted. “It’s just… none of this had to happen, did it? Fuck, I miss having a phone.”

“Hajime,” he started again. “I must apologize to you.” He raised a hand to stop me when I opened my mouth to object. “Not for this, then, if you insist. But for my earlier actions. I should not have fled. I should not have abandoned you. Only last night, I said I would protect you, and I have already made myself a liar. Twice over now, I suppose.”

His apology pierced through the remnants of my anger and frustration, leaving me with nothing but sick exhaustion. I sighed again, deeply this time, letting the residue of my earlier hurricane of emotions flow out of me. “Yeah, about last night. Can we get this itchy paste off my back now?”

He stood up suddenly. “Oh! Of course. We never completed the ritual. Yes, let us go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Gundham is there](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/17/a0/2c/17a02c415db5dfc6528afa9010de3c49.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/39442540))


	20. Safe Haven

I followed Gundham back to his cottage in silence. Once inside he pattered around nervously, preparing the space and tools he would need. I resolved to remove my shirt myself this time but paused as my fingers reached my tie. It was still loose from Nagito’s assault and I shuddered violently at the reminder. The memory of him pushing his body into mine melded with the previously pleasant memories of Gundham doing the same and I felt sick again as panic seeped through me. My clothes suddenly felt like armor, and removing them would have left me too vulnerable.

Putting my back to the wall, I sat on the floor and hugged my knees to my chest. My breath was coming out in short, sharp gasps so I tried to slow down and control it. I reminded myself that Nagito was gone. Before me now was Gundham. Only Gundham, who, underneath his prickly exterior, was sweet, gentle, and caring. Who I loved. I didn’t want to be afraid of being vulnerable with him. “Hey,” I got his attention, wiping the cold sweat from my brow. “Can I… can I hold Cham-P?”

“Certainly.” He fished the large golden hamster out of his scarf and brought him over to me, smiling. Squeaking happily, Cham-P clambered into my hands and I set him down on one of my knees. I could feel my pounding heart calming down as I stroked his fluffy little body.

Gundham sat down carefully beside me. “Is this alright?” he asked, stretching an arm out behind me. When I nodded, he lowered it onto my shoulders and squeezed me gently into him. “Here.” His voice turned conspiratorial as he pulled a few seeds out of his pocket and handed them to me. “It is not yet time for him to be fed, but perhaps we can make an exception.”

I laughed softly, letting that hint of normalcy start to dispel the anxious fog clouding my mind. “Okay, I have to ask. Do you just keep loose seeds in your pockets all the time?”

“Hmph. I have many spell components upon my person. My Deva’s preferred forms of sustenance are but one of the things I keep at hand.”

I could feel my stress melting away as I leaned into Gundham and gave the seeds to the chubby-looking hamster one at a time. He turned them around and around in his cute little paws, nibbling away. Spellbound, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him until he finished the last one. He squeaked excitedly and reached out towards me for more, so I looked to Gundham questioningly.

“That is quite enough for him,” he said, grinning and shaking his head as though he’d dealt with this a million times before. “He would have you believe his maw is a portal to the Abyss itself. Do not fall for his lies.” He shifted a bit, and then his strong arm pushed me away from the wall, scooting me out a few inches.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Instead of responding, he moved into the space behind me he’d just created, positioning me between his legs. “Is this alright?” he asked again, placing his hands on my knees and resting his chin on my shoulder.

I nodded, leaning back into him. It was more than alright. It was _exactly_ what I needed. He squeezed me again, rocking me ever so slightly back and forth as Cham-P scurried up his arm to return to his scarf. “Hajime, are you okay?” His voice was as gentle as I’d ever heard it, and I wasn’t sure anything I’d ever experienced had been as comforting as being held in these arms.

“I’m… better. Thank you. Everything you’re doing is helping a lot.” I chuckled as I felt a hamster poke its face out of his scarf and tickle the back of my neck with its whiskers. “Them too.”

“Their powers to soothe the mind are quite extraordinary, are they not? I have told you before that there are many benefits to keeping them close at hand. This was one of my earliest discoveries.”

I remembered how lonely Gundham’s childhood had sounded from everything I’d been able to piece together. My heart, already fragile from the repeated hammering it had taken today, broke a little at the thought of him as a distraught child turning to animals for comfort and companionship. I could only hope he felt at least a bit less lonely now.

I turned to plant a kiss on his cheek, pushing his silky hair out of the way with my nose. I did really love his new style, even if it got in the way sometimes. “Is everything good to go?” I asked.

“Everything but my sublime canvas.”

Chuckling at that rather outrageous comment, I closed my eyes and relaxed into his silent hug for a few more minutes until I felt ready to face leaving this safe little haven he’d created for me. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

As he went to put the Devas away, I reached up to remove my tie, pausing for only a heartbeat before tearing it off. I decided all at once that I was never putting it back on. It was part of my uniform from my old school, so it wasn’t like I had to wear it anymore. And if it wasn’t there, it wouldn’t remind me of Nagito’s slim fingers at my throat. With a strange sense of determination, I tossed it aside and started undoing my shirt buttons. Once that was off, I lay down and Gundham got started.

After a few moments of scraping at my back with some kind of wooden implement, he growled in frustration. “I have left this task for too long.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Not… exactly.” He got up and grabbed something, bringing it back to show me. It was a bottle of some sort of oil. “I will have to make use of this on some of the more recalcitrant areas.”

“What’s wrong with that? Is it going to hurt or something?”

“No, it will not hurt. It’s just that it- well, it could be… it’s very…”

I realized the source of his hesitation as he trailed off. “Sensual?” I finished for him, perfectly predicting the best word to send him into a fit of red-faced stammering. I gave him a sultry look to increase his embarrassment even further, then relented and laughed to break the tension. I felt a little bad about teasing him when he was trying so hard to be supportive, but returning to that dynamic helped make things feel normal again. And I desperately wanted things to feel normal again. “It’s okay with me if it’s okay with you.”

“Y-You- why are you so-” He couldn't seem to think of a way to finish that thought so he just made a frustrated noise and grumbled indistinctly as he got back to work. Removing the dried paste took a while, but not nearly as long as applying it in the first place had. Just like last night, once I had settled in it started to feel very relaxing. Gundham’s gentle, careful touch felt strangely restorative, a reminder that I didn’t have to be scared with him. That here, in this place, with this person, nothing would happen that I didn’t want to. I was safe.

When he was done, I went to go see the results in the bathroom mirror, twisting around to get a good look. It was pale, but Gundham explained that it would darken over the next couple of days.

“It’s beautiful,” I said, somewhat awed at the precision with which he’d copied such an intricate design. “You’re like an artist.”

He blushed at the compliment, hiding his face in his scarf. “I do not generate new images. I only replicate existing ones.” His muttering was muffled under the folds of cloth.

“Still, it’s really impressive. You may be the Ultimate Breeder, but that’s clearly not your only talent.” His blush deepened, and he looked away. “Can I take a shower now?” He had instructed me not to with the paste still on and now, with my back covered in oil, it was feeling pretty necessary. He nodded, still silent, but I suddenly realized that I didn’t want to go back to my broken-locked cottage and be alone. “Umm… Is it alright if I do that here?” His blush deepened enough to turn his ears red, but he nodded again.

Careful not to mess with the dressings on my ear, I washed myself off. I spent a particularly long time scrubbing at my neck, trying to remove even the memory of Nagito’s kissing. I felt refreshed when I was done, as though the shower had been able to rinse away some of the day’s horrible events.

When I finished up and pulled my pants back on, I went back out into the main room. Gundham was shoulder-deep in the Devas’ cage, occupied with some kind of cleaning. “Hey, can I borrow another shirt?” I didn’t plan on ever wearing that bloodstained one again. I didn’t need the reminder.

“Second drawer,” he muttered absently, not extricating himself. I tugged open the drawer in question to see very neatly folded rows of identical t-shirts. I didn’t see any plain white ones like he’d given me last night, so I just grabbed one of his purple-crossed ones and pulled it on over my head.

I wondered for a moment how Usami, or whoever had actually brought us here, had managed to get so many copies of all our outfits. Mine was so nondescript it hadn’t occurred to me to wonder about it before, but everyone else had very distinctive clothing. I wasn’t feeling up to pondering that right now, though. It was just one more strange thing about Jabberwock to add to the ever-growing list.

I was about to turn away when something else occurred to me. That day at the diner… Gundham had said something very strange about his, er, sartorial habits. I reached out to the top drawer but reined in my curiosity just in time. Digging around in his dresser to see if he actually owned any underpants would be incredibly invasive, wouldn’t it? Best not. I’d get to the bottom of his bizarre claim in due time.

Pushing that inquiry to the back of my mind, I offered to help Gundham with his chores for the Devas, and he taught me a bit more about how to care for them as I did. When we were done, he made to put the hamsters back in their cage again, but I stopped him. “There are some things I’d like to get from the supermarket.”

“Are they important?” He was obviously reluctant for me to leave the relative safety of his cottage, but I nodded with determination. “Very well. Then I shall accompany you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gundham offering a [comfort hamster](https://throttlee.tumblr.com/post/183341803255).
> 
> [Cuddly boys](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/73/6e/eb/736eeb3a32c11421e114a0e79f5c62c7.jpg). I don't speak Japanese so I have no idea what the text actually says here, but the images are just precious. ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/66635168))
> 
> So, I've been updating the fic every two days like clockwork so far. Over the next couple of weeks, it may wind up being more like 2-3 times a week but don't worry! It's just because of the holidays, not because I'm petering out. I still have months worth of this thing rough drafted.


	21. The Emperor's Consort

In front of the supermarket, my legs stopped working. I wanted to go inside, but I could only stand there, shaking, as the sound of Nagito’s manic laughter rattled around in my brain. My breath came too fast, and it started to feel like I was looking at the world through a tunnel. I could hear Gundham, his hands on my shoulders, asking me what was wrong, but it sounded like it was coming from far away.

As the memory of Nagito’s mouth on my skin bubbled up in my mind, I weakly pushed Gundham off of me, staggered away a few feet, then fell to my hands and knees and retched. What with everything that had happened today I hadn’t gotten the chance to eat anything, but even though there was nothing to throw up my body tried its best. The violent physical sensations brought me back to the present and I became aware of Gundham kneeling beside me, his hand on my back.

When it was over, I spat onto the ground a few times, then struggled to my feet. Gundham tried to do what he could to help, but I wasn’t in a good state to cooperate. “We should depart,” he said when I was fully upright, his face even paler than usual. “The foul aura of this place has brought a calamity upon your mind.”

I shook my head, the motion making me a bit dizzy. “I’m feeling better now. Let’s go.”

Despite his obvious reluctance, Gundham followed me into the store. He didn’t say a word as he kept a cautious eye out, shadowing me on my haphazard, frantic way through the aisles. The first thing I grabbed was a sleeveless hooded jacket, which I donned immediately. Back at the front of the store, I flipped open a self-defense kit and stuffed a taser into one of the large pockets of my new vest. Then I grabbed a backpack and starting stuffing things into it. Rope, duct tape, a multi-tool, anything that struck me as potentially useful. I decided against taking a knife, figuring it would be just as dangerous to myself as an attacker if I tried to use it for defense. Besides, I didn’t want to accidentally kill someone. That would be tantamount to suicide with Monokuma’s rules.

When I was done, I burst out of the store and gasped as if I’d been holding my breath the whole time. I bent over with my hands on my knees and took in great big gulps of air. “Are you finished?” came Gundham’s voice from behind me. It was thick with some kind of emotion, but in the state I was in I couldn’t even begin to identify it. When I nodded, he took the backpack from my shaking hands, shouldered it as he put a steadying arm around me, and led me back to the hotel.

We ran into Sonia on the way, and Gundham pulled her aside to have a hushed conversation. I probably could have listened in with some effort, but I was in too much of a fugue to care. Only a few snippets of Gundham’s deep voice drifted my way. “...did something to him, but he won’t say…” and “...terrified and erratic, I have no idea what to…” stood out to me. When they parted, he ushered me back to the cottage.

I sat on the bed, hugging my knees in silence as Gundham busied himself with various chores, not looking at me. Just as I noticed that his hands were shaking, there came a knock on the door. He dropped what he was holding as if startled, then rushed over to open it. Sonia was standing there with a large platter full of food.

“I thought we could eat together,” she said, a bright smile on her face.

“Oh, how exciting! This feels very Japanese!” She exclaimed as Gundham hurriedly moved things around to make space for us to sit together on the floor.

“Normally we’d have a table,” I laughed weakly.

As we ate and she continued chatting with us, I became increasingly awed by Sonia’s conversational skill. She lifted my mood with all the delicacy and artfulness of an archaeologist dusting off a centuries-old relic. By the end of the meal, we were all laughing and swapping stories, not a trace of awkwardness present.

Eventually, she started gathering up all the dishes and stood to go. “Ibuki’s concert will be happening later. Will I see you two there?”

“I am in no mood to suffer Mioda’s cacophonies,” Gundham answered darkly.

“I’m not feeling up for it either. Tell her I’m sorry to miss it, though. Fuyuhiko too, if he’s there. And thank you, Sonia, for coming by.”

“It was my pleasure.” This time there was no hint of fragility as she beamed at us and took her leave.

I turned to Gundham after the door had swung shut behind her. “Did you ask her to do that?” He just looked away shiftily so I laughed, scooting over to hug him. “Thank you, that was a really good idea. Umm, did she talk to you about anything else this morning other than what happened at breakfast?”

He must have been particularly uncomfortable with that line of inquiry because he ran a nervous hand through his hair, something I’d never seen him do before. “I discussed some things with her, yes. Largely regarding you. And… us. Hajime, while I have had many opportunities to hone my skills in the occult arts and the command of demon beasts, I fear that _this_ ,” he gestured vaguely between us, “is very new to me. There are many things I do not yet understand.”

“Well, I’m glad you have someone you can talk to. Sonia’s been a really good friend to both of us.” He relaxed a bit at that. Had he been concerned that I wouldn’t like him talking to her about our relationship? Well, I was glad I could dispel that worry for him, at least. “But, I was wondering if there was anything she brought up to you.”

He looked confused. “Not that I recall, no. Is there something in particular you expected her to speak with me about?”

“It’s just something Fuyuhiko said. Don’t worry about it.” I didn’t think it was my place to get in the middle of that. Whether she wanted to tell him about her feelings or not was her business.

“Oh, yes,” Gundham said thoughtfully. “She mentioned that she had left you with Kuzuryu. And that you two seemed to have become friends. I will admit to being surprised. Why would you speak to a creature like him of such matters?”

“Huh.” Now that he mentioned it, that was a bit strange. Fuyuhiko was a terrifying person, but I had felt so comfortable talking to him. “I guess it’s because he’s brutally honest. You always know where you stand with him, even if you don’t like it.”

“I see. I suppose I can understand the appeal of such a trait.” He smiled affectionately and caught my gaze. “Although I prefer the rare individual who can cultivate an immaculate honesty while knowing how to temper it with kindness.”

I blushed, burying my face in his shoulder to hide my embarrassed grin. He didn’t say things like that to me often, but his over-the-top way of speaking always made his compliments sound incredibly intense. And despite his tendency towards hyperbole, he always seemed so sincere with them.

He chuckled at my reaction and kissed the top of my head. “Hmm. I may be beginning to understand why you take such a ghoulish delight in bringing a flush to my face, you devilish boy.”

I pressed into him suddenly with enough force to make him wobble, and he laughed as he decided to succumb to the loss of balance and fall to the floor. He grabbed me as he went, pulling me with him as I started to laugh too. We lay there as our mirth subsided, with him holding me somewhat awkwardly halfway on top of him. It was far less comfortable than doing this on a bed would have been, but there was a strange intimacy to it, as though we didn’t even need to be comfortable as long as we were there with each other.

After a while I pushed myself off of him and sat, giving him a hand up as well. “Anyway, Fuyuhiko thinks he owes me some kind of blood debt for keeping him from stabbing himself this morning, so I guess he was trying extra hard to be nice to me. It was a bit odd, you’re right, but I’m glad I got to talk to him. I told him I forgave him for Mahiru.”

Gundham gave me an appraising look as he smoothed down his mussed-up hair. “Truly? I know you were quite perturbed by her death. Why do you extend him forgiveness so readily?”

It was true. Mahiru’s death, only the day after she had pushed Gundham and me into each others’ arms, had been the most upsetting loss to me so far. But despite what he had done, Fuyuhiko was still one of us. He was stuck here like we were, just doing his best to survive and handle the ever-increasing mountain of stress Monokuma was piling on top of us. And if he was willing to try and be one of the team now, I didn’t want to turn him away.

I pulled a hand down over my face, trying to figure out how to put it in a way Gundham understand. “The last thing we need right now is another enemy. And, well, if no one's ever going to forgive you no matter what you do, most people won’t see the point in trying to be better. So as long as he’s willing to try, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“A philosophy I am not certain I share. But a commendable one, I suppose.” There didn’t seem to be anything more to say about that, so we just sat side by side for a while, arms around each other while I rested my head on his shoulder.

Thinking about Mahiru reminded me of some of her words that day on the beach. She had told me that it would probably be a big comfort to have someone to be close to in such a stressful, dangerous situation. Gundham had really shown me the truth of that today. Despite his own obvious anxieties, he’d been incredibly reliable, doing everything I asked of him and more. I couldn’t recall ever having felt so cared for.

Overwhelmed by a sudden feeling of intense affection and gratitude, I hugged him tight. “Listen, I’m sorry if I scared you earlier, at the supermarket. I just really needed to feel like I could defend myself if something happened again. Thank you for being there for me.”

He buried his face in my hair, muffling his response. “I should have been there when it mattered.” His self-blame felt like needles in my heart, but I had no idea how to dispel it so I just squeezed him again. “We must do something to neutralize Komaeda,” he continued, lifting his head. “I have little desire to involve the rest of the humans in this matter, but we will likely require their cooperation.”

I didn’t relish the thought of sharing what had happened with more people either, but he had a point. We couldn’t just tie him up and secret him away like Kazuichi and Nekomaru had tried to do. If we wanted to deal with him properly, without killing him, we’d need everyone to be in on it. “Yeah, you’re right. We should try and talk to them all tomorrow.” I got up and he stood with me, holding on carefully as if I would drop to the floor and smash to pieces if he let go. “I know it’s early, but I’m going to lie down. Try to get some sleep.”

He kissed me on the forehead. We were about the same height, so he had to stand on his toes to do it without bending my head down. I didn’t know why I found that so cute. “Is there anything further I can do for you?” he asked.

Nodding, I pulled him over to the bed. We lay down together and he hugged me close, gently nuzzling the back of my head. After a moment, I felt a scrabbling sensation on my shoulder as San-D popped out of Gundham’s scarf and crawled over onto me. “They appear to have accepted you as one of our tribe,” Gundham said, pleased.

“Does that make me a subject of the Tanaka Empire, then?”

“I do not think ‘subject’ is the correct term.” He was sounding uncharacteristically playful. “It would be more appropriate to call you the emperor’s consort.”

I blushed and brought my hand up to scratch my forehead. I was aware that the gesture was mostly an instinctive way to hide my face and wondered if Gundham’s shyness was rubbing off on me or if he was just starting to figure out how to embarrass me. He was certainly stepping up the romantics recently. I had never expected to discover this kind of side to him. “Gundham…”

“Do you not wish to rule by my side, Hajime Hinata? My subjects would do your bidding.” He floated a hand in front of my face, Jum-P shifting sleepily in his palm. He brought it close enough that the hamster could sniff at me. I squeaked and pulled back, rubbing at my nose where it had tickled me with its tiny whiskers. “Hmm. Perhaps you require more training in court etiquette before you are prepared for such a position.”

I turned to give him a sardonic glare and he laughed again. As he leaned over to kiss me, San-D leapt off of my shoulder and landed in his hand, kicking off a fight with Jum-P. It was my turn to laugh as Gundham broke off our kiss and cursed, awkwardly trying to pull the frantically squeaking hamsters apart with one arm still under my neck. When the dust had settled, San-D had returned his scarf while Jum-P had scurried off to hide somewhere behind the pillows.

“I shall retrieve him later,” Gundham muttered, settling back in. He raised his bare hand to examine the scratches it had sustained during the scuffle. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the night of his fracas with the cage, but he was bleeding in a few spots. I gently took it and kissed at a couple of the worst scratches.

“Wh-What are you doing? You may be resistant to my poisons, but exposing yourself in such a direct manner still bears danger!” He didn’t pull his hand away though. Instead, his fingers twitched and he tentatively raised his thumb to stroke my lips, following their upward curve as I smiled. “H-Hajime…” He took a shuddering breath and it felt like he was trying to curl up into a ball around me. Then, suddenly, he was kissing my neck.

I pulled away swiftly, slapping a hand over the spot where his mouth had touched me as my whole body went stiff and my heart tried to break free of my ribcage.

“Hajime?” Gundham’s voice was full of concern. “What is the matter?”

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to control my breathing. I had to remind myself again that Nagito wasn’t here. That this was just Gundham, who was safe. Who would never do something to hurt me on purpose. I took a few deep breaths, then lowered my hand. “Don’t do that right now, okay?”

“I am sorry, it was not my intent to-”

“It’s fine, I’m not upset with you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for freaking out.” I took one last deep, shaky breath, then started to relax back into Gundham’s arms.

“Hajime,” he said, his voice sounding small. “Is this because of that fiend Komaeda? Will you tell me what is going on? Please?”

I had never heard him say ‘please’ before. My heart ached to tell him, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I still didn’t know how. “Not tonight, Gundham,” I sighed. “I just need to get some sleep, alright? I’m so tired.”

“Very well.” He extricated himself and got up. “There are some things I must see to before I retire. I will be as silent as possible.” He did his best to put on a smile as he leaned over to pet my head a few times. He wasn’t the type to fake those so it was very obvious he was straining, but the fact that he was trying at all was enough to turn up the corners of my mouth and warm my battered heart a little. “Sleep well, my seraph.” Despite everything, that endearment sent a blush spreading across my cheeks, and his smile turned genuine. “No evils can touch you here. Not while you are under my protection.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sad hoodie boy](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/39775671).
> 
> Gundham [literally can't deal](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/158778774966/this-would-totally-happen).
> 
> Phew, another long one. Do y'all like longer updates, or would it be better if I tried to find ways to split up chapters like this?


	22. Hajime's Worst Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  !
> 
> Detail-free tl;dr in endnotes for the section in question.

I woke in the middle of the night to the sensation of something cold and hard against my throat. Sleep took its time releasing its hold on my mind, so it was a moment before I realized that someone was sitting on me as well. “Hey, Hajime,” came Nagito’s voice. It was soft and casual, but it didn’t belong here and it filled me with instant dread. I opened my mouth to scream at him, but he quickly covered it with a hand and pressed the object he was holding harder into my throat. As the sharp edge nicked my skin, I realized it was a knife.

Nagito laughed when I froze, my face becoming a rictus of horror. “Do you want to die tonight, Hajime?” His voice was still casual, almost cheerful, filling me with greater terror than a more appropriately threatening tone would have. His hand was still covering my mouth so I shook my head slowly, careful not to cut myself further on his knife. He relaxed the blade and released my face. “Then I think it’s probably a good idea for you to stay quiet and do what I tell you to, don’t you agree?”

I didn’t respond, but I didn’t make any move to scream or struggle either. I just stared at him, breathing hard as fear spread a frigid numbness through my limbs. “That’s great! I’m glad we’re on the same page.” He smiled reassuringly. I wasn’t reassured. “You know, Hajime, from our very first day on this island you’ve been my favorite. You may not remember your talent, but you work hard to be a symbol of hope for everyone here. I like that about you.” He tousled my hair affectionately.

“What the fuck do you want?” I whispered, trying unsuccessfully to sound like I wasn’t terrified to the bone.

He laughed again, that disturbing, manic edge starting to creep in. “The same thing I’ve always wanted from you, Hajime! I want to see you shine with hope, and to fill others around you with that hope.” He leaned down until his lips were practically touching mine and whispered, “I want you to fill _me_ with that hope.” His eyes, inches from my own, gleamed hungrily.

He removed the knife from my throat as he spoke and dragged the flat of the blade down my cheek. It was covered in a thick, viscous fluid and I smelt the coppery tang of blood I’d gotten to know all too well in my brief time on Jabberwock. My first reaction was confusion. He’d nicked my neck with the blade, but not enough to cause that much bleeding. That confusion turned into paralyzing dread at Nagito’s next words. “But for your hope to shine its brightest, first you have to overcome the darkest despair!”

He grabbed my chin and slowly turned my head, following it with his own until we were cheek to cheek. A few feet from my face, illuminated by moonlight peeking through the curtains, Gundham’s vacant, lifeless eyes stared at me. Deep crimson had sprayed out from a large gash in his neck to stain his face and chest, splattering the immaculate white sheets of the bed we shared. As Nagito started to laugh madly, I took a deep breath and screamed.

* * *

I sat bolt upright, the scream tearing its way out of me. Gundham’s eyes slammed open and he jumped out of bed, immediately assuming some kind of combat pose. He looked around wildly, turning in circles to try and find the source of the threat. After concluding the cottage was empty aside from us, he turned back to me, brow furrowed with concern. “What is it? What is wrong?”

Gasping and shaking, I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to stop the sobs welling up inside me. “N-Nagito, he- he’s going to kill you! I won’t be able to stop him!”

Gundham crawled back onto the bed and engulfed me in a hug. “You have been struck with a dread phantasm?” After a brief pause, he seemed to realize I might not know what he meant by that and translated for me. “A nightmare?” I nodded into his chest. “You need not fear. That low fiend has not the power to lay so much as a finger on me. I do not require your protection.”

Stroking my hair, he hugged me tight and we stayed like that for a while as my shivering subsided. “Damnit,” I whispered when I was able to speak again. “I woke you up. I’m sorry for being such a mess.”

“It is not something to be sorry about,” he echoed my own words to him from the other night. “However,” he went on after a time, laying his words down carefully one by one as though he were building a house of cards. “There is something you are not telling me, and I would like to know what it is. What exactly did he do to upset you so? How did he injure you?”

I shuddered hard enough that he definitely felt it, but was saved from responding by a tentative knock at the door. We waited for a moment, hoping that whoever it was would give up and leave us alone. Our hopes were dashed when there came another, louder knocking. Gundham swore loudly as he got up and went to the door, then stopped and looked back at me. I shrugged, too tired to run off and try to hide this time.

He nodded once, then opened the door right in the middle of a third, even more forceful bout of banging. He opened it just a crack, blocking the view into the cottage with his body. “Why do you disturb me?”

“Is everything alright, Gundham?” I heard Sonia ask hesitantly.

“Yes. You may go.”

“We all heard the scream from your cottage.” Fuyuhiko was sounding like his already limited patience was about to run out. “Tell us what the fuck’s going on.”

“I made no such noise,” Gundham responded, entirely truthfully.

“It sounded like Hajime,” came Ibuki’s melodious voice. I saw her head pop up for a fraction of a second over Gundham’s and heard a thump as she disappeared again. “Hey! Hajimeee!”

“What in the deepest pits of the Netherworld are you doing?” Gundham sputtered, taking a step back as she jumped to see over his head a couple more times.

I sighed. “Hey, Ibuki.”

“Hajimeeeee! Are you okay?”

“Let us see him, or else. We’re not losin’ anyone else tonight!” Akane didn’t sound like she was in a good mood. I could practically hear her assuming her ‘come fight me’ pose, the one where she looked like a werewolf about to pounce.

“Oh god, what’d you do to him? I knew you were acting shady!” Kazuichi whined.

“Was that really Hajime screaming?” I’d never expected to hear Fuyuhiko sounding so concerned. “Come on, Gundham. Let us see him. I know you wouldn’t hurt him, but don’t make us kick down the fucking door.”

“I’m fine, I just had a nightmare,” I called out to them all. “Is everyone there?” Gundham looked back at me and nodded. “We wanted to talk to them all anyway, right? Might as well do it now.”

He drummed his fingers on the wall for a moment, thinking things over. Coming to a decision, he pulled the door open and stood aside to let everyone file in. My heart stopped in my chest as I saw Nagito at the very back of the pack. His eyes locked with mine, and he gave me a friendly smile. I yelped, scrambling back so quickly I didn’t realize when I’d reached the end of the bed. Flailing wildly, I fell to the floor with another yelp, this time of pain.

Thankfully, Gundham, who had probably seen him there the whole time, was prepared. With that incredible speed I’d seen from him a couple of times before, he held up an arm to block Nagito’s entry at the last moment. He ran into it suddenly and made a huffing noise as it knocked some of the breath out of him, but Gundham’s arm didn’t move so much as a centimeter. It must have been like hitting an iron bar.

Before Nagito could recover from his surprise, Gundham grabbed him by the collar and, with a shocking amount of force, flung him out of the cottage. There were a few gasps from the group as he flew through the air, then winces at the thud he made when he hit the floorboards outside. He landed with enough momentum to skid, sliding off the pier and into the water with a muted splash. Before anyone could react, Gundham slammed the door shut so hard it shook the walls and turned the lock.

“That impudent fucking bastard!” he hissed, practically spitting venom. “How _dare_ he come here?!” I had never seen him so enraged. When he saw me, tangled in bedsheets and struggling to get back up from where I’d hit the floor, he swept over and pulled me up into a tight hug. Several people seemed more surprised at that than at his violence towards Nagito. “I will not let that despicable wretch hurt you again,” he whispered fiercely, quiet enough that the others couldn’t hear. Well, maybe Ibuki could, but she didn’t say anything.

“Not that I blame you,” said Fuyuhiko slowly, “but… what the fuck was that about?”

“That’s why we needed to talk to all of you.” Gundham let me go and all eyes turned to me as I spoke, my voice shaky.

“Oh, shit.” Fuyuhiko scowled. “Is he the one-”

“Hey, what are you doing here this late anyway?” Kazuichi interrupted. “Wait, you said you had a nightmare…?” He frowned with the effort of trying to fit this information into his existing preconceptions about the world. Clearly without much success. “Why are you wearing Gundham’s shirt?”

Gundham and I both looked down at the shirt, then at each other, horror spreading across our faces. I had completely forgotten about that. Of course, most of them knew we were in a relationship of some kind already, but being caught wearing his clothes while sleeping in his bed had some… additional implications.

I winced as Hiyoko laughed at the struggling Kazuichi, bracing myself for what was about to happen. “Oh my god, I didn’t think it was possible for you to be dumber than you are ugly.” I could hear the eye-roll in her voice. “How are you not getting this? They’re fucking.” Gundham and I both turned brick red and Kazuichi started making a high-pitched sound like a squealing engine that continued on in the background for some time.

“Oooh, that’s what’s up. Good for you!” Ibuki gave us a wide, toothy grin.

“We are doing no such thing!” Gundham shouted, his voice strained.

“Oh? So you’re planning a murder then?” Hiyoko asked sarcastically.

“Th-Those are not the only two options!” Gundham managed to spit out.

“Yaoi! Hajime’s cute in jammies. Lucky you!” Ibuki poked Gundham in the chest. He had gone stiff and completely unresponsive, his eyes about to pop out of his skull. “Hmm, you’re not so bad yourself with your hair down,” she added, squeezing one of his bare arms thoughtfully as she noticed how muscular it was.

“Ibuki, don’t touch him. Remember?” I put a hand on her wrist, pushing it away.

“Ohhh yeah.” She let him go and took a few steps back. “Sorry.”

“B-b-b-but you’re both guys!” Kazuichi wailed, his squealing finally coming to an end.

“So what?” Akane said casually. “Two girls can do it too.”

“Yuri-ka!” Ibuki cried. “Caution! Slippery when wet!” I groaned. I couldn’t believe she would actually say something like that out loud. This situation was bad enough without her throwing suggestive comments like that onto the fire. Kazuichi looked like he was about to pass out. “So, who’s the top?” the rambunctious girl continued.

I cringed at the question, and Hiyoko’s snigger that followed it. “Do you even need to ask? Obviously it’s Gundham.” The man in question sat down hard on the bed, burying his face in his hands in utter defeat.

“I dunno,” said Ibuki thoughtfully. “It’s not always that easy to tell.”

A lot more faces than just Gundham’s and mine had turned red at this point. Luckily, we were saved from further group embarrassment by Sonia. Not for the first time, I found myself admiring her ability to keep her cool. “Umm, everyone.” We all turned to face her and she went on. “I believe Gundham and Hajime had something to tell us.”

I looked at Gundham. After that exchange, he’d gone practically catatonic. It hadn’t exactly been comfortable for me either, but he was an extremely private person. Having so many people crowded into his sanctuary making cracks about his very personal affairs seemed to have upset him pretty badly. I realized for the first time that he was letting everyone see him without his daily costume on as well. And he’d let them all in here for my sake, hadn’t he?

“Yeah, one second, guys.” I’d have wanted a hug in this situation, but I had a feeling that would just make things worse for him. Glancing around the cottage, I tried to pull my thoughts together. As an idea occurred to me, I pushed past a couple of people and opened up the Devas’ cage, fishing out one of the sleepy hamsters. Then I grabbed Gundham’s scarf from on top of the dresser and returned to him. “Hey. Here.” I spoke as gently as I could manage in my own heightened state of anxiety.

His face still a deep crimson, Gundham peeked up at me through his fingers. He needed a moment to process his surprise at seeing what I was holding up to him, but after a moment he reached out to take the scarf from me, warily, as though he was scared I would snatch it away at the last second Once he had it in hand, he threw it around himself, then pulled it up over his face and took the hamster. “Thank you,” he muttered, stroking it and looking away from everyone.

“You’re welcome.” I turned back to the group, rubbing my forehead as I tried figure out what to say.

I was still thinking it over when Hiyoko snickered again. “Wow, I knew that hamster-fucker was a loser but- hey!”

I felt strangely like I was channeling Gundham as I growled and stalked over to her, grabbing her by the back of the collar and cutting off her little diatribe. She protested as I marched her over to the door, but she was so tiny there was nothing she could do as I opened it and shoved her out into the night. Carefully, since I didn’t actually want to hurt her. After staggering a few steps from my push, she spun around looking furious, but I slammed the door in her face and locked it again. Maybe I couldn’t protect Gundham from Nagito, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t protect him at all.

There was some cursing and banging on the door, but Hiyoko gave up after calling me a few choice names and giving it what sounded like a good kick. I turned back to the rest of the class. “Anyone else have anything to say? Or can we get to the important stuff so we can all go back to sleep?”

There were a few raised eyebrows and Fuyuhiko was grinning, but nobody made any move to speak. I had just about reached my limit, and it seemed like they sensed that. “Okay.” I looked over at Gundham, who was staring at me with his eyes slightly widened. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting to see something like that from me. He was still looking pretty out of it, so even though I’d been the one sick with fear all day it looked like I would have to take the lead on this. I took a deep breath. “This afternoon, Nagito attacked me and threatened to kill me or Gundham if I didn’t do something for him.”

My words had the same effect on the jovial mood in the room as a wet blanket dropped over a candle. It was dead silent until Fuyuhiko finally spoke. “What the fuck did he want you to do?”

“That’s not important. What’s important is that I refused and he did this to me,” I gestured at my ear, which had some fairly impressive dressings on it.

“Well, that doesn’t look _too_ bad.” Akane sounded dismissive.

“H-H-Hajime was v-very upset after it happened,” Mikan piped in.

Fuyuhiko was nodding. “Yeah, Mikan and I saw a bit of the aftermath. It wasn’t pretty.”

Akane was picking at her ear and scowling. “It can’t have been worse than what happened to Nekomaru.”

For the first time, I noticed the conspicuous absence of the big man. “Wait, what happened to him? He should be here for this too.”

Everyone looked around, each person waiting for someone else to explain. It was Sonia who finally did. She described the scene on the beach that had interrupted Ibuki’s concert, where Nekomaru had taken a bazooka to the chest for Akane.

“Oh my god,” I said when she was finished. “Akane, I’m so sorry. This isn’t _worse_ than that, but it’s still something we have to deal with.” She just stared at the floor, looking morose.

Sonia gave me a few moments to process what I’d just been told, then prompted me to continue. “Right.” I shook myself, trying to bring my mind back to the present. “Nagito. We need to come up with a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tl;dr on first scene: Hajime has a nightmare about Nagito killing Gundham
> 
> For those who did read the first scene, I'd love some feedback. I've never written any kind of horror before, so I have no idea how well I hit the mark on that. Was it spooky? I'd describe the vibe I was aiming for as chilling.
> 
> [Nagito needs to calm down](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/e6/d6/9b/e6d69bfaaeb25f00904c68bdde09dec2.jpg).
> 
> ["Why are you wearing Gundham's shirt?"](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/3e/69/50/3e69500b6de0f3d65753ae1b9b58cd14.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/61592996))
> 
> [Poor Gundham](https://64.media.tumblr.com/48d96c3e1fc9afc62f9fbe31fecb4aba/tumblr_psngsohSXN1vokl2vo9_1280.png).
> 
> And a silly meme: [Goddamnit, Hiyoko](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ce/2f/b5/ce2fb5beec0d65e8da8f4706840ced45.jpg).


	23. Fall, My Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  !

After everyone had left, I sat on the bed next to Gundham in the moonlit darkness. He looked sideways at me, a bit sheepishly. “How did you know?” he asked.

“Know what?”

He held up the end of his scarf in one hand and the hamster in the other. I’d grabbed one at random, and saw now that it was Maga-Z. Although she hadn’t warmed to me as much as Cham-P had, she was one of the more affectionate with Gundham so that had been lucky. “Oh. You mean, that those would make you feel better?” He nodded silently. “I guess I just thought about what you usually do when you’re embarrassed or upset.”

He tugged the scarf back up over his face. “Embarrassed? One of my power has no need for such an emotion. The opinions of mere mortals are nothing to me.” I tried to suppress a smile at the very obvious embarrassment filling his voice, with little success. I wondered how much he bought his own dissembling but didn’t feel the need to dig into it. If that sort of thing had bothered me, I wouldn’t be in this relationship in the first place.

“Well, regardless. I’m glad I was able to help. But anyway, isn’t that how you knew what to do with me earlier today?”

Gundham looked away from me, narrowing his eyes and pulling the scarf up further. “Not… precisely.”

“Well, how did you know, then?”

He started fiddling with the edge of his scarf. Maga-Z seemed to get bored quickly after he stopped petting her and climbed slowly up his arm to nestle into the folds of purple cloth at his neck and go back to sleep. “You were acting similarly to a demon beast which had taken fright,” he admitted after a long period of considering his words. “I employed the same tactics I would in such a situation.”

I laughed, remembering how he had given the Devas a bath and soothing pets after they’d all fallen into the ocean together. “Well, thank you. It did the trick.”

I reached out to hug his waist, but he got up to put Maga-Z back in her cage. Instead of returning to the bed, he started pacing back and forth in front of me like a caged tiger. “Are you going to tell me exactly what happened now?” he asked, sounding frustrated. “What did Komaeda want you to do? What did he do _to_ you?”

My face fell and I stared at my feet, not sure how to respond. He knelt in front of me, another gesture of his I was coming to love, and stroked my cheek as he looked up into my eyes. I had expected to see anger in his, but they were only full of helpless concern. “Have I done something to betray your trust? Is that why you are keeping this from me?” His voice was tight, but it wasn’t with fury or embarrassment this time. It sounded like he was in pain.

I balled my hands into fists and relaxed them with each breath, over and over. “It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I said at last. “I just… it’s not easy for me to say.”

“Are you concerned I will be upset with you? Whatever it is, I swear I will not.”

I shook my head silently.

“Then why is it hard?” he pleaded.

I clenched my fists again, digging my fingernails into my palms to try and stop the tears I could feel building up in me. “Because-” I finally said, and then continued in a flood, the words rushing out like a dam had burst inside of me. “Because after he threatened you - threatened us! - he asked me what I’d be willing to do to protect you then pinned me to the wall with his whole body and kissed me.” I rubbed at my neck where that vile kiss had been as the memory slammed into me. “He tried to get my shirt off, shoved his hand into my pants-” I shuddered violently, unable to go on.

Gundham fell back as if I’d struck him. “He- what?!”

I doubled over and grabbed my hair in fists, tugging at it so the pain could distract me from the feelings that were like a whirlwind of blades tearing up my gut. “He bit me, and I kicked him and pushed him away, and he still had my ear between his teeth,” I choked out through the tightness in my throat. “I saw my blood on his twisted fucking mouth as he fell over. Staining his teeth as he laughed at me!” I made a guttural sound of disgust and anger. “The way he touched me, the way he moved against me, the way his mouth felt, it made me want to throw up!” I wailed. “I’ve been sick over it all day!” I looked up to see Gundham sitting back like he’d fallen on the floor, his mouth hanging open in shock.

“He’s been like that with me from the beginning, always making comments and acting… provocative. He always creeped me out but I never thought he’d actually do something like this.” I put my face in my hands, my rage subsiding into defeated exhaustion. “That’s what happened. That’s everything. And now I’m terrified he’s going to hurt you because I wouldn’t do what he wanted.” 

“He will die.” Gundham’s voice was low and dangerous. “I will grind him to dust.”

I turned my head back up to him, his face a blur through my tears. “Don’t you dare. Don’t even fucking say that!” I shouted. “If you kill him, you’ll die! It’s as bad as if he kills you. If you throw yourself away like that, I will _never_ forgive you!”

In the silence that stretched out between us this time, I had the sudden fear that maybe this incident would be the end of us. That, one way or another, even if we both lived, nothing would ever be the same between us and we’d lose each other because of Nagito’s actions. The thought felt like a spear through my heart.

“You are correct. That was a foolish thing to say. Such an outburst was unbecoming of an Ascendant.” Gundham stood up a bit unsteadily. I rubbed my eyes dry, and with my vision clear, I was shocked to see tears streaking down his expressionless face. I had never seen him cry before.

“Gundham, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that. I’m so-”

He held up a hand to cut me off. “No, the rebuke was well-deserved.” Despite the tears on his face, his voice was flat. “Those words were uttered for my own sake, not yours. I should have been thinking instead of what I can do for you.”

I stood up on shaking legs and grabbed onto his shoulders for support. “Gundham, I know this hurts you too. I know you don’t know what to do any more than I do. I’m not mad at you, for any of it. I was just scared. I am so scared to lose you.” I saw another wave of tears flow down his otherwise impassive face at my words as he avoided my eyes. “Are you… angry with me?”

“How could I be?” he choked out, his face finally twisting with emotion. “How could I possibly be angry with you? I ran away and you got hurt. You got hurt _badly_ and I wasn’t there to protect you because I’m a _coward_.” He sounded so furious with himself.

I hugged him close, pulling his face into my shoulder. That seemed to knock something loose in him because he clutched at me desperately and started to sob. “I’m not mad at you for that either,” I said quietly into his hair. “It wasn’t your fault. Nothing he did was your fault. You asked what you could do for me? You can start by not blaming yourself for any of this.”

Gundham squeezed me tight - painfully, almost unbearably tight - as he cried out an ocean of sorrow, hurt, rage, and self-hatred into my shoulder. It seemed like an entire lifetime’s worth of tears flooded out of him. I stood there holding him for an age, my own silent tears running down my face and into his hair.

Finally, slowly, his eyes dried up and his sobs faded. I brought him over to the bed and sat him down, then got us both some water. It wasn’t exactly the most romantic option, but we both needed it badly. “Feel any better?” I asked as he sipped at it.

“Yes.” His voice was weak but steady.

“Good.” I sat with my arm around him for a while as we silently passed the glass back and forth. When we had emptied it, Gundham hugged me again, more gently this time.

“Thank you,” he whispered, leaning his cheek into mine.

“For what?” I rubbed his back gently, trying to sound reassuring.

“For- For not…” He took a deep, shaky breath. “I have always been… discouraged from shedding tears.”

I squeezed him tighter. The more I learned about Gundham’s life before Jabberwock, the more my heart broke for him. “You can cry as much as you want with me, okay? Whenever you need to.”

He buried his face in my neck and nodded. “I am sorry, Hajime. None of this should be about me. You are the one who was hurt today.”

“It’s okay. I know it wasn’t an easy day for you either.” I pulled away after a time and smiled at him. “If you’re feeling up to it, there is something you can do for me. Something that will help.”

He reached up with one hand to brush my face with his fingertips, following the line of my jaw. I leaned into it, taking a moment to enjoy the soft sensation and the affection behind it. It almost felt like he was marvelling at the fact that I was real. “Anything,” he whispered.

I’d had a lot of time to think about things as he was crying, so I knew exactly what I needed from him. “What Nagito did, it twisted something up inside me. I can’t stop thinking about how it felt so similar to the way it feels when you do things like that to me. I almost had a panic attack earlier taking off my shirt in front of you. I don’t want to feel like that, I don’t want to be scared of anything with you. I need you to remind me that it’s safe to be touched, kissed, and,” I chuckled, still embarrassed to talk about this so frankly even after everything, “even undressed.”

He placed his hand on my cheek. “Is now the right time for such a thing? I do not wish to inadvertently harm you again.”

“I don’t think you will, now that you know what happened. I trust you. Please?”

Gundham nodded and took my face in his hands, just like the first time he had kissed me. I wasn’t able to enjoy it then because of how shocked I was, but now I was ready as he tenderly planted his lips on mine. He ran a hand down my cheek and neck, over my chest, and rested it on my waist, pulling me closer. We stayed like that for a while, kissing each other gently again and again. Then he grabbed me by the hips and hoisted me up into his lap.

“Is this alright?” he asked when I gasped in surprise. After waiting for my nod, he ran his fingers into my hair, holding my cheek to his for a moment. Then he lowered his face and whispered just below my ear. “May I kiss you here?” When I nodded again he placed his lips on my skin then paused, taking a moment to assess my reaction and give me a chance to tell him to stop if I had changed my mind. I didn’t.

I realized that, apart from his ill-fated attempt earlier today, this was the first time he’d kissed my neck. Now that it wasn’t coming as a surprise, I could appreciate how good it felt. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting myself be swept away in the sensation of his soft lips working their way slowly downwards. Then he pulled open the collar of the t-shirt he had lent me, his kiss following it as far along my shoulder as he could go.

Abruptly, but gently, he pushed me off of his lap. I was about to ask what was going on when he grabbed me by the hips again and turned me around, then pulled me back towards him. I laughed softly as I climbed back into his lap, facing him this time.

“Do you wish for me to remove this?” he asked, tugging at my shirt. When I nodded once more, he hooked the hem with his thumbs and lifted it as he ran his fingers slowly along my skin, all the way up my sides, and eventually pulled it over my head. Between kisses, he watched my face carefully for any signs of distress. But he was so gentle and careful with me that there was none. I felt safe.

When the shirt was off he ran one hand up my bare back then stood, tucking an arm under one leg and lifting me up. Laughing with surprise and delight, I hung onto him as he spun around, clambered onto the bed, and laid me down. He kissed me a few more times, running his fingers through my messy hair.

“You said you wished to be restrained again. Has that changed?” I wasn’t expecting the question, and it surprised me to realize that I did still want it. Very badly. I felt like the prospect of ceding control like that should be scary after what had happened with Nagito, but if anything it made me want to hand the reins over to Gundham even more. I wanted to feel like nothing bad could happen to me under his care. So I grabbed his hands with mine, laced my fingers through his, and pulled them up over my own head.

Even though the experience wasn’t brand new anymore, it still felt just as amazing. Gundham covered me with soft kisses, everywhere from my collarbone up. Each one was like another match thrown onto a pile of tinder until my whole body was ablaze. The overwhelming feelings demanded to be released somehow, so I squeezed his hands tightly. He squeezed back in response, hard enough to break my grip. I kicked at the bed and groaned in frustration as he took away even that small avenue for relief.

“Are you well?” He pulled away just a little.

“Yes,” I breathed, not wanting him to stop yet. “Yes, yes, yes.” I moaned with anticipation as he leaned back in to continue.

When his assault on my senses had almost become more than I could bear, he nibbled tentatively on my uninjured ear, then asked if it was okay to do it again. I took a minute to consider it as he gave me a break from the relentless kissing, then nodded. It felt nothing like Nagito’s painful bite. Like everything about the way Gundham handled me, it was soft, gentle, and careful, and it felt wonderful.

But it wasn’t long before I couldn’t take any more. “Gundham,” I moaned. No word had ever tasted so sweet to me as his name did in that moment. “That’s enough.”

He stopped and got off of me immediately. Then he pulled me in to be his little spoon as I sighed with bliss. “Was that okay?” he whispered into my ear.

I laughed in breathless disbelief. “Okay? That was the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

He laughed too, sounding relieved as he leaned his face into mine and hugged me close. “ _You_ might be the best thing that has ever happened to _me_.”

There was that surprising romanticism again. I had no idea what to say to that, so I just hugged his arm to my bare chest as he kissed my neck a couple of times. “I want to be able to make you feel like that too,” I said after a while.

“I believe my mental defenses would keep me too vigilant to allow such an experience to be pleasant. But I can assure you I took more than a small amount of enjoyment from my end of things.”

I reached up and tousled his hair, holding his face to mine as I nuzzled it. There were tears in my eyes again, but they weren’t tears of anger, fear, hurt, or sadness this time. I wasn’t sure what they were exactly, but they didn’t feel bad and they didn’t stop me from smiling. “I love you,” I whispered.

He squeezed me tight. Noticing my crying, he wiped away the tears for me, soaking them up with the bandages on his fingers. We lay in silence for long enough that I started to drift off before Gundham spoke again, dragging me back to wakefulness.

“Hajime…” His voice sounded strange, and a vague worry filled me as he paused. “As I said before, while I am privy to innumerable dark secrets of the universe, there are many things about… romantic relationships that I do not yet understand.” He stopped again and seemed to be waiting for a response.

“Is there something you need to ask me?” I couldn’t really think of anything else to say. I had no idea where he was going with this.

“I would normally seek to rectify this ignorance on my own, but our captors have left me few tools available on this island to do so.”

“I’ll do my best to answer anything I can. I’m not exactly an expert either.” My anxiety was increasing with his every word. What was this about?

“In fact, I have attempted to seek knowledge into such things once already in the only manner available to me and had my efforts foiled by one who haunts our sole repository of knowledge.”

Was he talking about the library? Had someone chased him out of there? “Well, like I said. If I know, I’ll tell you.”

“If you do not wish to answer, you need not feel compelled to do so. I understand better than most that some secrets lead only towards madness.”

“That’s okay. You can talk to me about anything, you know.” When was he going to get to the point? All this beating around the bush wasn’t like him. Had something really bad happened?

“Many of these topics are sensitive in nature, and some may be so without my knowledge.”

I sighed, getting impatient with the frankly absurd amount of hedging. “Gundham, just ask what you need to ask. I won’t judge you. I promise.”

There was a long pause before he finally came out with it. “What is a… ‘top?’”

A relieved laugh burst out of me. He stiffened at my reaction, so I spoke quickly to reassure him. “Sorry, sorry. I’m not laughing at you. It just sounded like you were going somewhere really serious with that. You had me worried for a minute. But that’s not a big deal at all.”

“What is it, then?” he muttered sourly.

“Er, well, you’re right. That _is_ sensitive in nature.” I explained as delicately as I could.

“Oh.” His voice sounded small when I was finished.

“I suppose, as much as the term could be said to apply to us right now when we haven’t actually done, er, you know… _that_ , Hiyoko was probably right. What with all the, uh, holding me down stuff.”

“Oh.”

“Not that it has to be that way. If you ever want me to-”

“We need discuss that no further.” He cleared his throat, then mumbled almost inaudibly. “At this time.”

“Right. Um. Are you okay?” His body was still tense, and I noticed him fiddling with the pillowcase.

His fiddling intensified and he took a moment to respond. “What would… the other be then? One such as you, in this example.”

I had to take a second to parse that vaguely worded question. “Oh. A bottom, you mean?”

“I suppose that follows logically,” he mumbled, sounding glum for some reason.

I put my hand on his and squeezed it reassuringly. “We don’t have to use those words if we don’t want to. We don’t have to be a top and a bottom. We can just be Gundham and Hajime, and do whatever feels right.” He slumped and I could feel him nodding into the back of my head as he let go of the pillowcase and wrapped me in a hug. “Okay. Sounds good to me.”

“How did you come by such knowledge, at any rate?”

“Well, I haven’t done anything, um, like that. If that’s what you’re asking. But I’ve spent a lot of time with people who, er, aren’t straight. Usually online, where people tend to talk about that stuff more openly.”

“I see. You sought such people to relate to because you knew you were drawn to men as well as women?”

“Something like that, yeah.” That was pretty far from the truth, actually. I had thought I was a lesbian when I was younger and hadn’t liked the idea of being with guys until I’d realized I was one too. But I wasn’t ready to talk to him about that just yet. “What about you? Did you know?”

He shook his head. “I said I have never acknowledged humans in this fashion, before you. I saw no point to such things previously.”

“You know, there are humans like that too.”

“What?” He lifted his head to look at my face, so I twisted it towards him and smiled. He looked surprised, and a little wary as if concerned I was lying or making fun of him somehow.

“It’s not really my area of expertise, but I could point you to some information when we get off of this island.” An ‘if’ tried to edge its way into that thought. Even though no one had died, today’s events had done something to remind me of how dangerous this place was.

“Oh.” He relaxed back down, sounding thoughtful. “I could perhaps do with expanding my knowledge in this area as well. Your assistance in this matter would be… appreciated.”

“Gundham, thanks for talking to me about this stuff. Thank you for trusting me enough to ask.” He squeezed me tight, not saying a word. “Do you want to go to bed now?” I felt another nod. Sighing, I relaxed into his strong, comforting arms and, thoroughly exhausted, fell quickly asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was half of this chapter a thinly veiled excuse to get on my soapbox about how explicit consent is hot? Perhaps. Now that I'm up here, I will not be getting down.
> 
> Gundham looking like he [needs a good cry](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ab/ae/d7/abaed740302e0d3f8a68b56087053397.jpg).
> 
> [Cuties](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/99/bf/ae/99bfaef7abd9bb31439eedeb0fbb9c4c.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/49056055))
> 
> [No more tears](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/47/1d/6c/471d6cd359826228729e4186276f78d6.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/63121805))


	24. Infectious

“She should have been here by now!” Gundham was scowling as he paced back and forth in the hotel lobby. He and I had gotten up early to meet Fuyuhiko and Akane here and prepare an ambush for Nagito. I wasn’t going to be involved in the attack itself, but Gundham didn’t want to let me out of his sight while Nagito was still free and I wasn’t about to argue.

“Think we should be pissed at her, or worried?” Fuyuhiko had been waiting for us when we’d arrived, looking like he hadn’t gotten much sleep. His slightly bloodshot eye was following Gundham now as he stalked around the room.

“She isn’t the most reliable person,” I sighed. “Hopefully she just slept in. If she doesn’t show, will you guys still be able to take him? I could go get Kazuichi.”

Gundham stopped moving and they both laughed harshly in unison. “That fool?” Gundham said, at the same time as Fuyuhiko’s, “That dumbass?” They looked at each other for a moment, surprised. Fuyuhiko was about to say something when Akane finally walked through the door, moving slowly and staring at her feet.

“Explain your tardiness!” Gundham demanded, crossing his arms.

Akane burst into tears. The rest of us glanced around at each other, taken aback. “Uh, are you okay?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m soooorry,” she cried. “I don’t want to do this, I’m scared!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Fuyuhiko was baffled. “You could snap that bastard’s neck with your pinky fingers, the fuck do you have to be scared about?”

“I don’t want to die like Nekomaru!” she wailed, burying her face in her hands.

“But Nekomaru isn’t dead, right?” I tried to reassure her.

“Yeah,” Fuyuhiko said. “Like Monomi said, that fucking bear still has to follow his own damn rules. If he actually killed someone for no reason, we’d get to execute _him_ in a class trial.”

She just wailed again. “Nooooo! I don’t want to do another class trial!”

“Has she been possessed?” Gundham walked a wide circle around Akane, examining her from every angle. “Perhaps stricken with some curse?”

“Akane, get your shit together! We don’t have time for this!” Fuyuhiko’s admonishment only made her bury her face in her hands and sob loudly.

“Okay… do you think you guys can deal with Nagito on your own?” I asked the other two. “I’m not sure she’s going to be able to help like this.”

They looked at each other. Gundham nodded and Fuyuhiko shrugged then turned to me. “Yeah, probably. Gundham did a good job tossing him off the pier last night. We can probably handle it.”

“Alright.” I walked over to Akane and gently grabbed her shoulder. “Do you want to go upstairs and eat something?” She nodded tearfully so I led her up to the restaurant and sat her down. I was hoping some food would calm her nerves and maybe get her into a place where she might be able to help the others, but she barely picked at it. That was even more worrying than the ceaseless crying. I had never known Akane to do anything with a plate of food other than wolf it down.

Anxiety started building in me as I watched her. Would those two really be able to deal with Nagito on their own? Gundham was strong, but subduing someone who was fighting back wasn’t as easy as throwing an unsuspecting person to the ground before they could react. And what if Nagito had a weapon, or his Ultimate Luck managed to throw a wrench in things somehow? I didn’t know how helpful Fuyuhiko was going to be. He acted pretty tough, but he was barely any bigger than Hiyoko.

I closed my eyes and summoned my courage. My heart started pounding in my ears at the thought of seeing Nagito again, but I reminded myself that this time I wouldn’t be alone. And I would never forgive myself if he hurt Gundham because I was too scared to help. “Akane.” I stood up. “I’m going back to the lobby. If you feel up to it, please meet us down there when you can. We could really use your help.” She burst into tears again so I just left her.

I arrived just in time to see Nagito walking through the door. Gundham and Fuyuhiko were flanking it and grabbed him as soon as he passed through. Not really putting up a fight, Nagito started laughing as Gundham put him in a headlock and Fuyuhiko started wrapping a rope around his arms.

“Go away, Hajime,” Nagito cackled. “I hate you, I don’t want to see your ugly face!”

Gundham looked up, noticing me for the first time. “Why are you here?” he demanded. “Go back upstairs!”

Ignoring him, I stood frozen halfway down the staircase, staring at Nagito. What was he doing? Was he trying to lay a foundation to undermine my account of what had happened yesterday? Why would he care?

“I’m so happy you’re with Gundham because I never wanted you. Touching you disgusted me, I never want to do it again!”

Gundham and I met each others’ eyes, both thoroughly baffled. My confusion had fought back my fear enough that I was able to finish descending the stairs. “Okay… good?” My voice was a bit weak. “I don’t want you touching me either. Ever again.”

“Good!” Nagito cried. “I’m so happy to hear it!” Tears had started to fill his eyes. What the hell was going on? Fuyuhiko had finally finished trussing up his arms and got working on his legs. “You’re not even the real Hajime! I know you’re a fake. The real Hajime wouldn’t taste like that!”

Fuyuhiko’s face twisted up in confused distaste and rage filled Gundham’s eyes. “Shut your revolting mouth you loathsome fiend!” he shouted.

Nagito just started cackling again. “There’s no more hope! There’s no hope for any of us anymore! We should just accept despair. I want you all to become the symbols of despair! And I will use you, use each one of you, as rungs on my ladder to greatness. Because it’s what I deserve!” His voice was getting more manic with every word, his mad laughter more breathless and uncontrolled. “I will destroy every last shred of hope left in this world! I will become a being that can only be called the Ultimate Despair!”

“Is something going on with his fucking brain?” Fuyuhiko finished with the ropes and turned to Gundham. “Did you knock something loose when you threw him last night?”

Suddenly, Nagito started convulsing, spittle flying from his mouth. Gundham let him go in shock and he fell to the floor, hard, the convulsions continuing for a long time.

“What the fuck is happening to him?” Fuyuhiko shouted. “What did you do, Gundham?”

“I barely unleashed a fraction of my power on him! I wasn’t even holding him that hard!” It must have been true. Nagito clearly hadn’t been having trouble breathing in Gundham’s grip given how much he’d been able to talk.

“Umm, s-sorry to interrupt,” came a familiar apologetic stammer. Mikan edged her way around the chaotic huddle blocking the door, Ibuki following close on her heels. “But I th-think he’s sick. Ibuki is too, she’s been acting strange and has a very high fever.”

I walked over to look at Nagito, who had finally stopped shaking and was just laying there now, either unconscious or close to it. His face did look flushed. “Oh!” I slapped my forehead, suddenly remembering. “Akane was acting weird too, she’s upstairs.”

Mikan knelt down to examine Nagito, feeling his forehead and prying open his eyelids to peer inside. “Ohhh no. He’s definitely got a fever too. I’ll go check on Akane. Ibuki, stay here.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Ibuki threw a salute. “Whatever you say!”

Gundham, Fuyuhiko, and I all exchanged glances again, our confusion shading to alarm. “If he dies, we’re not getting fucking blamed for this, are we?” Fuyuhiko asked.

Gundham’s looked at me in horror, clearly remembering my warning from last night. “I did not intend anything like this!” he said desperately. “It was not my fault! Hajime, I swear-”

“It’s okay.” I walked over to give him a hug. He went stiff and I could feel him glancing between Fuyuhiko and Ibuki, so I let him go. He had hugged me in front of others last night, but it seemed like he wasn’t ready to make that a habit. “I know. And I don’t see how even Monokuma could blame any of us for this.”

“Maybe someone else will do us a favor and off him before it comes to that,” Fuyuhiko muttered.

“Yessir!” Ibuki saluted him then knelt next to Nagito. We stared at her as she put her hands around his throat and started to squeeze. It took the three of us a long moment to process what was happening, then we all started moving at once and grabbed her, pulling her off of him.

“Ibuki, what the hell are you doing?” I demanded. “If that was some kind of joke, it wasn’t a good one!”

“No sir! Just helping out.”

“Don’t fucking kill people, you dumb bitch!” Fuyuhiko shouted.

“Just as you say, boss man.”

“I guess Mikan wasn’t lying when she said Ibuki was acting weird,” I muttered. I put a hand on her forehead, and sure enough, she felt way too hot.

Just then, the Mikan came down the stairs, a still-sniffling Akane trailing behind her. “She’s got a fever too,” she confirmed. “I don’t know what this is, I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“Puhuhuhuhu! It’s the Despair Disease!” came a horrible, all-too-familiar voice. I grimaced and turned to see Monokuma, grinning his pointy-toothed grin and laughing at us. “This is your next motive!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Nagito has no chill](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DJEZSfPUQAAx5r-?format=jpg&name=900x900) ([Source, probably](https://twitter.com/i/web/status/905532893484724224))


	25. I'm Not Fucking Sad!

When the dust had settled and we’d gotten Nagito, Akane, and Ibuki to the hospital, the rest of the class stood in the lobby and debated what to do. It didn’t take us long to decide to split up the group to try and keep the Despair Disease from spreading. Since Fuyuhiko, Gundham, and I had all touched some of the victims, we would remain here along with them and Mikan. Everyone else would be staying at the nearby motel in case there was an emergency we needed them for.

As we made our plans, we started to talk about how to take care of the infected. The discussion centered on Nagito, who Monokuma had explained was having the most serious reaction because he was already sick with a terminal disease.

“Fate has presented us with an opportunity,” Gundham said to the group at large.

Chiaki cocked her head. “What kind of opportunity?”

“During the last trial, that stuffed farce of a bear informed us that dying from illness was the only death on this island not considered murder. If we leave Komaeda to his own devices, we have a chance to rid ourselves of him without necessitating another execution.”

A shocked silence spread throughout the room. Part of me was horrified that Gundham would want someone, even someone like Nagito, to die. But a deeper, truer part of me agreed with him. If Nagito was gone, he couldn’t hurt us anymore.

“I-I-I c-could never d-d-do something like th-that!” Mikan wailed, her stammer worse than I’d ever heard it before. “D-Doctors are s-supposed to do n-no harm!”

“You are not a doctor,” Gundham pointed out. “And I am not asking you to do him harm, merely to leave his fate to nature’s will.”

“Gundham, if we let him die when we could have prevented it, we’re no better than he is,” Chiaki said in her typical calm voice. “I understand why-”

“No you do not!” Gundham cut her off, furious. A few of the sharper pairs of eyes in the room drifted over to me, probably guessing that Nagito’s attack yesterday was the source of Gundham’s anger. I avoided them. “Do not lay claim to knowledge it is impossible for you to possess! Unless you have methods of divination you have not revealed to us?”

Chiaki just stared at him blankly.

“I have no interest in being better than Komaeda,” Gundham went on firmly. “I will leave such petty judgements to those whose souls are not already bound irrevocably to hell. My sole concern is for our survival. That fiend has made it clear to all of us, time and again, that he is a threat. That he will not hesitate to see any of us dead to further his twisted ends. We should take him at his word, and act accordingly.”

“I don’t want to see anyone else die, not even Nagito,” I said quietly. “But I agree with Gundham.”

“I think… I think I do too,” Kazuichi chimed in. “That guy scares the shit out of me. He’s the reason the killings started in the first place! If he’s gone, maybe they’ll finally stop.”

“I’d kill the bastard myself if I could do it without getting executed,” Fuyuhiko agreed. Even Hiyoko was nodding along. As we were carrying him to the hospital, Nagito had told her some outrageous lies about Mahiru that had awoken a seriously scary side of her. She had threatened to peel his face off, and I wasn’t sure if she’d been joking or not.

“I do not relish the idea of letting someone die. But if Gundham and Hajime believe this to be the best course of action, I will support it.” Sonia was looking between the two of us as she spoke. She didn’t know exactly what Nagito had done, but she knew how much it had scared me. It seemed like she was trusting that whatever we weren’t telling her was bad enough to merit this response. I hoped that she was right.

“I can’t accept this.” Chiaki held to her principles. “But I’m not a nurse so I can’t do anything about it myself.”

All eyes turned to Mikan. “Umm, I-I guess I’ll do wh-whatever the group wants.”

If Gundham noticed the uncertainty coloring her tone, he ignored it. “So we are agreed,” he said. “We will not interfere with the will of causality on Komaeda’s behalf.” There were nods from everyone but Chiaki, who simply pulled her hood up and looked away from us all, her face sad.

There was a bit more discussion and planning, and then the people who hadn’t been exposed yet left for the motel while Mikan got to work helping the sick. Gundham, Fuyuhiko, and I did what we could to help her, but mostly all we could do was sit around and wait.

* * *

The day passed agonizingly slowly. Mikan didn’t have much for Hajime, Gundham, or me to do once the sick people were settled in, so I spent most of my time just walking around trying not to let my unease be blindingly obvious. I wasn’t scared of the fighting and killing, but a disease? I couldn’t defend myself against a disease. The lovebirds didn’t seem to be harboring the same fear, or they were hiding it better. They were sitting in a little corner together, laughing and chatting. 

I had been so surprised when I learned about those two being together. I knew Hajime had been following Gundham around since we were dropped on this island, but I thought he was just amused by the guy’s ridiculous antics. It had started making a lot more sense after everything I’d seen yesterday, though, and I’d realized my read on him must have been pretty shallow. He wasn’t just a joke hiding behind bravado, he’d really been there for the kid. Just like Peko had always been there for me.

Fuck. Those thoughts kept sneaking up on me. It was this goddamn hospital. I’d had to lay around here for days after she died, remembering the light leaving her eyes as those fucking robots stabbed her over and over again, knowing it was my fault. Knowing she was dead because of me. That clever, strong, remarkably skilled woman who could cut down her opponents with barely a look from those sharp, beautiful eyes was dead because I’d let my emotions get the better of me. Just like I was doing again right now. I needed to pull myself out of this hole.

I’d never had so much time alone with my thoughts before. I wasn’t used to having nothing to do. Back home I was always busy with family shit. Learning to run the clan wasn’t just a full-time job, it was my entire life from the day I was born. And it just didn’t come naturally to me like it had to Natsumi, so I’d had to work hard every single fucking day to make myself into someone who could do it. I’d relied on her and Peko so much to learn how to be strong, to learn how to be the man I needed to be. And now they were both gone. What the fuck was I supposed to do without them?

I gritted my teeth, trying to stop my thoughts in their tracks. I needed to stop sulking about this shit and move the fuck on. People died. All the time. Being a yakuza wasn’t exactly the world’s safest profession. I’d lost tons of people already. Family, trusted clan members. I’d gotten over all of them, I’d get over these too.

But I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. I’d spent so much of my life leaning on those women that I didn’t even know who the hell I was without them. Had I latched onto Hajime just to have a new person to tell me who to be? Fuck, I hoped not. That sounded so pathetic.

I needed something to do to distract myself. This island was already boring as shit, but now I was practically trapped in this goddamn hospital again. I spent a lot of time pacing back and forth, going outside when I got sick of Hajime’s eyes following me around. Gundham was completely ignoring me, at least. And the two of them seemed perfectly happy to sit around talking and playing with his hamsters without trying to get me involved.

God, I wanted to pet those fucking hamsters. Ever since the first time I’d seen them pop out of that jackass’s scarf, I’d wanted to pet one. I wasn’t as obsessed with fluffy animals as Peko had been, but I did like them. Especially since they reminded me of her. I tried to shove that thought to the back of my mind. No use thinking about that shit now. She was gone. And I couldn’t go around asking to pet hamsters like some kind of elementary schooler. The leader of the Kuzuryu clan shouldn’t do shit like that. Natsumi would have ripped me a new one if she caught me pining over cute rodents.

I could go over there though. I could just walk up and try to talk to them. But what did normal people even talk about? All I knew about was yakuza shit. I envied Hajime his ability to just… talk to people. About whatever. He wasn’t exactly oozing charisma or anything, but he always seemed to be able to find something to chat about. And Gundham would take any opportunity to start ranting about his chuuni crap and laughing like a maniac.

Me though? What the hell did I have to say? Jack shit, unless there was a situation that needed handling or I was trying to pick a fight with someone. And I wasn’t about to go hovering around until Hajime took pity on me and found some way to rope me into their conversation. I wasn’t _that_ pathetic.

I went outside again and stood watching the sunset. At least the day was finally coming to a close. Lying around stuck with my thoughts wasn’t too much of an improvement, but at least I could try to get some sleep. Once the last sliver of sun had sunk below the horizon, I sighed, my fruitless anger evaporating away into exhaustion as I turned to go back inside.

I’d been loudly throwing the door open all day, but this time I was too tired for the posturing so I just pushed on it. Hajime and Gundham must not have heard me, because they were sitting in their little corner shamelessly making out. “Don’t mind me,” I said with sarcastic brightness as the door swung shut behind me.

They both jumped and pulled away from each other, faces going red. Gundham tugged his scarf up over his nose and looked away, while Hajime turned his wide eyes on me like a deer staring down an onrushing car.

“Erase this incident from your mind, mortal!” Gundham was trying to put on his normal act, but struggling with it. When I laughed, he snapped his face over to me and leapt out of his chair, taking up one of those ridiculous poses. “Where do you wish me to consign the fragments of your soul when I am finished tearing it to shreds? The Netherworld? Hell? Pandæmonium? I will leave the choice to you!”

“How about wherever I’m least likely to have to watch you two stick your tongues down each others’ throats?”

“Tch! You-” Gundham started to growl, but stopped when Hajime tugged on his sleeve.

“Can you guys not?” the kid sighed. “I’m stressed out enough today as it is.” Gundham sat slowly back down, glaring at me the whole time. “You doing okay, Fuyuhiko?” Hajime added.

“What?” The question took me completely by surprise. When was the last time someone had asked me something like that?

“You’ve been walking around looking sad all day. What’s going on?”

I bristled immediately. “What the fuck did you just say?! Sad?!” How the hell had he picked up on that? I couldn’t let people see me being _sad_. That was worse than eating sweets or petting hamsters. What the hell had possessed me to cry in front of this kid yesterday? Now he thought I was some whiny loser.

I glanced over at Gundham, but he was still just giving me that glare. Well, that was a relief. If he’d tried to jump on that, I had no idea what I would have done. He was a stubborn bastard, and I didn’t want to have to start a real fight with Hajime’s boyfriend. I tried to tell myself it was because he was a scary son of a bitch, but really it was because I didn’t want Hajime to be pissed at me. Damn, that _was_ sad.

He noticed me looking at Gundham but got the wrong idea about it. “If you want to talk about it with just me we can go outside,” he offered.

What was with this kid? Why did he care? And why the fuck did I want to tell him so bad? I pushed that urge down. I couldn’t go around looking weak. “That’s- I’m not fucking sad!” I shouted. Then I turned and stormed back outside, hoping he didn’t notice me starting to blush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, more POVs from other characters! It's mostly a fluffy character study, but writing from Fuyuhiko's perspective was fun. He is such a tsundere.
> 
> [My fault](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4a/10/21/4a102193d8c248b4490619cc40084eb4.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/30278988))
> 
> [I'm not fucking sad](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/c7/e5/87c7e5b7db98dd5955f09563ad05254e.jpg)!
> 
> [Fuyuhiko's thesis statement](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/d0/25/a7/d025a7b2d57e90a62110b166e1ae0835.jpg).


	26. Exactly the Way You Are

Practically chased out of the hospital by Monokuma and his no-sleeping-in-the-lobby policy later that night, Gundham and I returned to his cottage. Our day had been a strange combination of stressful and boring that had left me full of anxious energy. Luckily, I knew exactly how I wanted to deal with that energy. When Gundham and I sat down on the bed, I hooked a finger into his scarf and pulled him towards me. At the last moment before our faces met, I looked down. “Hey, Jum-P,” I addressed one of the Devas, pulling it out of the scarf.

Gundham made a noise of half frustration and half embarrassment at my teasing, so I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. He put an arm around my shoulders as I pulled my legs up onto the bed and leaned into him, petting the sleepy hamster. “Are we doing the right thing?” I asked quietly.

“About Komaeda? Right or wrong doesn’t enter into it. Creatures that pose a direct threat must be dealt with in order to ensure survival. Morality is a factor to consider only when the danger to one’s life has passed.”

“So, you’d do anything to save your life then? Why not kill someone to get out of here?” There was a bit of an edge to my voice. I wasn’t sure I liked hearing this from him.

“Escaping is not necessarily a matter of survival. While I have every desire to leave this place, there are no threats on this island that pose a danger to one of my power. I am not so petty as to resort to taking lives merely because I do not wish to be here. Unlike Hanamura, my situation at home is not one I have any great desperation to return to.”

“But if your survival did depend on it, would you even kill me?”

Gundham went stiff and was silent for a long time. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke, but there was anger in it. “Why would you ask me a question like that?”

I slumped, the anger draining out of me. “You’re right, that wasn’t fair. I don’t know why I’m taking this out on you.”

Gundham got up, gently taking Maga-Z from my hands, and went to return the Devas to their cage for the night. I got the distinct feeling that his primary reason for getting up had actually been to get some space from me, though. I sighed and pulled myself backwards on the bed to lean against the wall while he fed the hamsters and did a few other chores related to their care in silence. When he was finished, he sat back down on the edge of the bed, not turning to face me.

“I have no desire to force my values upon you,” he said coolly. “If you do not wish to hear of them, keep your inquiries to yourself.”

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked quietly. He thought about it for longer than I liked but eventually shook his head.

I stared up at the ceiling. “I’m such a mess right now,” I whispered. Then I laughed harshly, suddenly really angry with myself. “I don’t know if I wanted to be convinced that this was the right thing to do or blame you so I didn’t have to take responsibility. Either way, it’s a load of crap. I’m complicit in this, and the only one who can justify it for me is myself. I’m sorry.” I laughed again, bitterly this time. “Maybe I should have just done what Nagito wanted. Then I wouldn’t need to have his blood on my hands. Would that have hurt less?” I asked no one in particular.

“Do not say that.” When I didn’t respond, or even look at him, I felt Gundham moving towards me on the bed. I still didn’t take my eyes from the ceiling until, kneeling in front of me, he grabbed my head and turned it down to face him. I was startled for a moment to see black streaks running down his face, before realizing they must have been from tears mixing with the makeup around his eyes. “Please do not say that.” His voice was full of pain.

My eyes rolled upwards, looking away from him as much as I could without breaking out of his grip. “I made you cry again,” I said, with quiet regret. “I’m such a-”

“Hajime.” I looked down, startled at the sudden sternness in his tone. “Last night, you told me not to place any blame upon myself for Komaeda’s actions. Perhaps you should take your own advice.”

I stared at Gundham as those words, delivered in that tone, dispelled my fog of self-hate like a slap to the face. I could only sit there and blink vacantly as he pulled me, limp as a ragdoll, into a hug. “Thank you.” I was surprised at how normal my voice sounded all of a sudden. “You’re right. And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“It is alright,” he said gently.

“Um, can we just forget about all this for tonight?”

Gundham broke away and nodded. Then he wiped at his face with a few fingers and brought them down to examine. Seeing the black tears staining them, he grunted in vague annoyance and went over to the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and watched him as he cleaned the makeup off his face, carefully wiping around his eyes.

“Man, being so hot looks like a lot of work,” I joked awkwardly, desperate to elevate the mood.

He looked over, and I was happy to see a grin on his face. He was probably eager to lighten things up as well. “If you wish, I could teach you my secrets,” he fired back at me, putting on a haughty tone. “Although I doubt your mastery in this area could ever match my own.”

“Oof!” I fell over onto my back and clutched at my chest, feigning a shot to the heart. Then I pointed a finger straight in the air and exclaimed, “Ah-ha! Ibuki said I was cuter than you, though.”

Done washing his face, Gundham walked back over and grabbed the hand I had stuck out. He pulled me up out of bed then put his other hand on my back and dipped me like a dancer as I gasped in surprise. He leaned in close enough that his hair, still in that new style that framed his face, fell forward and brushed my cheeks. “Hmm,” he said with mock thoughtfulness, carefully examining me as I blushed. “You do have the same adorable air as a small animal. It is not often that a human bests the Supreme Overlord of Ice, but I will concede this victory to you.” Then he kissed me and the rest of the world fell away.

When he was done, he lifted me back up and held me, grinning almost triumphantly at my wide-eyed expression. Where the hell had that come from? Not that I was complaining. “Gundham…” I breathed.

“Hajime,” he answered, his voice low and positively beguiling. My heart started pounding in my chest as he kissed me again and reached up to undo a button at my collar.

I gently took him by the wrists and spoke softly when he pulled back. “Hey, you know, you’ve gotten to see me without my shirt a few times now. I’d really like to see you.”

Gundham blushed at the suggestion, his aura of calm control over the situation evaporating in an instant. “I suppose that is fair,” he mumbled.

“I don’t want you to do it because it’s fair,” I said firmly. “You should only do it if you actually want to.”

He stepped back and crossed his arms, thinking it over. “I am not accustomed to such things.”

“Well yeah, I figured someone who wears three layers and a scarf on a tropical island probably wouldn’t be the most comfortable getting undressed around someone else. But, wait…” A memory bubbled up from before the nightmare that was Monokuma had entered our lives. “Weren’t you one of the ones who put on a swimsuit the first day we were here?” Gundham hid his face in his scarf at the reminder and I laughed. “Yeah, you were. You were in nothing but swim trunks but you still kept that scarf on. I remember thinking it was cute.”

“Yes, well,” he mumbled. “That is a common ritual for those who would go to the beach.”

I cocked my head and smiled. “Well, you could view this as a common ritual for those who are in relationships.”

“Hmm.” After looking thoughtful for a moment, he grinned and struck a pose, more understated than usual but still theatrical. “Hajime Hinata, you are learning well how to speak the language of those who hold power over this world. Very well. I shall engage in this ritual with you.” He paused, starting to look increasingly awkward as silence spread between us. By the time I realized he was waiting for me to say something, he had gotten impatient enough to break it himself. “Erm, how do we begin?”

“Well, get these off for starters.” I tugged at his coat and scarf. While he slipped them off, I got back in bed, leaning against the wall like I had earlier and motioning for him to sit with his back against me. “Is this okay?” I asked, wrapping my arms around him and placing my hands on his chest. He nodded, but his body was stiff. “Tell me if I need to slow down, or if you just want to stop completely, alright?” He nodded again, my words relaxing him a bit.

For a few minutes, we just sat like that, my chin resting on his shoulder as I rubbed his chest gently. Eventually, when I felt no more tension in his body, I moved a hand down to rest on his stomach. He tensed up again so I stopped there. “You know,” I said, bringing my other hand up to stroke his hair, “I’ve been so used to this being piled on top of your head I didn’t realize I could pet it now.” He sighed at that comforting touch and leaned his head back onto my shoulder, closing his eyes. He seemed to be much more okay with being touched on the head than elsewhere on his body. I filed that observation away for future reference.

Taking advantage of this new way to calm his nerves, I kept going. I moved my hand down to where his shirt was tucked into his pants, grabbed it in a fist, and pulled it up to reveal a couple of inches of skin. Then I grabbed the hem with the fingers of both hands and pulled the rest of it out from under his belt, very careful not to touch his ticklish sides. I paused every step of the way, letting him relax again before each new escalation. 

“How are you doing?” I checked in.

He cracked open one of his striking grey eyes to look at me. “You have me in awe of your patience.”

I laughed softly and kissed his forehead. “I don’t care if this takes all damn night, it’ll be worth it. And anyway, I’m enjoying the process.”

“As am I,” he sounded almost surprised as he closed his eye again and relaxed back into me.

I took the hem of his shirt in my hands and pulled it up a bit at a time. “Okay, this is the last part. Ready?”

He took a couple of deep breaths and screwed his eyes tight shut as if bracing himself. “Do it.”

“Put your arms up.” He did as I instructed and I pulled the shirt up over his head, trying not to touch him too much. I didn’t want to overwhelm him this close to the end. Tossing it aside, I placed one hand gently on his shoulder and cradled his head with the other, running my fingers through his hair some more. His eyes were unfocused and he was breathing a bit heavily, so I refrained from touching him further just yet. “Let me know when I can kiss you,” I whispered.

He chuckled breathlessly. “You need not wait.” I didn’t hesitate to take his invitation. After a moment he broke off suddenly and turned around, grabbing my wrists and pinning me to the wall.

I shook my head, dodging his attempt to kiss me. “Let me go.”

He released me as soon as I asked and sat back on his heels. “I am sorry, I thought-”

“It’s fine. Any other time I probably would have loved that.” I lowered my hands to my sides, clenching and unclenching them to stymie my desire to pounce on him. “But right now I just want to touch you so bad.”

Gundham balled his own hands into fists on his knees, blushing furiously. “Okay,” he said through gritted teeth.

I shook my head again, forcefully. “Only if you really want me to.”

He took a deep breath, taking time to relax his jaw before responding. “I wish you to.”

Slowly, trying to show the same care I had during the rest of this process, I tucked my arms under his and placed my hands on his back. He shuddered and gasped softly, but didn’t protest as I drew him into a hug. He felt smaller than usual somehow, as if he were trying to fold in on himself and disappear. “Are you sure this is fine?” I whispered into his ear.

He didn’t answer for long enough that I started to pull away, concerned. But he grabbed my back, stopping me. “Yes. I am certain.”

We came together again, and he hugged me close as I slid one hand up his back, slowly, enjoying the feel of his soft, warm skin. Running my fingers into his hair again, I leaned in to kiss his neck. He’d done that to me a few times now but hadn’t experienced it himself yet. When he gasped again and arched his back, I stopped as a sudden realization hit me.

I wasn’t sure why it had taken me so long to consciously notice this, but Gundham seemed way more comfortable with touching me than he was with being touched himself. I’d been pretty flustered the first time he’d taken my shirt off but it hadn’t been anything even approaching his level of discomfort now. This was clearly a huge deal for him, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t pushing him. He was acting a lot more passive than I usually expected from him, and even if he said it was okay, it didn’t feel right.

So I squeezed him tight, then let him go. Taking both of his hands, I leaned in for a brief kiss. “Thank you for doing this with me, I know it wasn’t easy for you. I’m sorry if anything I did made you uncomfortable. And, I want to make sure you know that you don’t have to do anything like this for my sake if it’s not what _you_ want to do. Not ever. I mean it.”

“Hajime…” Gundham rested his forehead on mine and shook his head a little in disbelief. “I never anticipated meeting someone like you. How can a mere mortal have such endless reserves of patience and understanding when your time on this earthly plane is so limited?”

“Didn’t I tell you ages ago?” I laughed gently. “I don’t want to take anything away from you or force you to change. I love you, Gundham. Exactly the way you are.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, so softly I almost didn’t hear it even with his face inches from my own. I reached a hand up to his cheek and was surprised to feel it damp with tears again.

“Hey, come on,” I said, tugging at him. We lay down together and I pulled the blanket over us. He seemed relieved to have something covering him again and sighed deeply as he sank into the soft pillows, rubbing his face on them to dry his tears. That surprisingly childlike gesture from him shot a bolt of warm, caring feeling through me and I took his hand in mine. “I never thought I’d meet someone like you, either. I guess we both got lucky.”

“Perhaps fate saw two Ultimate Lucky Students recruited to our class.” An affectionate smile had spread across his face.

“I wonder…” I let myself sink into the pillows too. “If we had never been stuck on this crazy island, if we were just normal Hope’s Peak students, do you think we would’ve gotten together like this?”

“I suppose that would have depended on you,” he answered after a thoughtful pause. “After all, you are the one who pursued me. With all the persistence of a particularly unshakable hellhound,” he added, grinning. “Would you have shown the same diligence in your hunt had your choice of prey been less limited?”

I chuckled softly. I hadn’t ever expected to hear him refer to himself as prey. “More options wouldn’t have changed anything, but I don’t know if I would have been brave enough. You can be pretty scary, you know?”

“Hmm. I had been concerned that my aura of terror was losing its effectiveness. But it seems you were merely reckless enough to ignore your better instincts. You are nothing if not uncommonly audacious.”

I grinned too and reached up to tousle his hair. With that speed of his that still managed to surprise me, he grabbed me by the wrist and brought my hand to his face instead, kissing my fingers and looking into my eyes with an unexpected intensity. I couldn’t even begin to guess why he’d just done that, but if it had been to fluster me it worked. “Well, how about you then?” I asked to cover my sudden discomfiture. “If I’d been persistent, would you still have gone along with me like you did?”

“In truth, I do not know.” He hadn’t let go of my wrist yet and was still examining my face closely. “My time was constantly filled by various pursuits and obligations. I cannot say if I would have taken time away from them for your sake before knowing you. I would like to say I would have, but I lack the prescience to make such a claim with certainty.”

“Well, I guess if one good thing came out of this whole messed up situation, it’s that it stuck us together like this, then.” As I spoke he lowered my hand, and I thought he was going to release me. But instead, he held it a few inches from his chest. My fingers twitched and I took in a sharp breath. Was he going to let me touch it? I’d only gotten to feel his back earlier. As I waited for him to do something, I noticed an edge to the grin widening on his face. “Gundham…?”

“I can see the desire in you. Should I let you go?” he asked roguishly. I’d never heard that tone from him before.

I had no idea what was happening right now, but something about this situation was lighting a fire in me. Gundham moved closer, pushing my hand back to maintain its distance from him. Then he leaned in to kiss me. Unable to help myself, I reached my fingers out to brush his chest. But he pressed on my palm with his thumb, bending my wrist backwards to stop me. I whimpered at his denial.

“Well?” he prompted.

I had become so flustered at this point that I had to take a moment to think back to what he’d just asked. Then I nodded. “Yes. Please,” I whispered. He released my wrist and I slowly inched my hand forward, placing it reverently on his chest and closing my eyes so I could focus completely on the warmth of his skin, the beating of his heart. I left my hand there as he pulled me close, pinning it between the two of us. Then he kissed me on the forehead and began stroking my hair. All the day’s exhaustion caught up to me at his gentle touch, and I started to fall away into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Yoink](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/78/23/77/7823776f5c34b2fcb62e7b96d49dcaea.jpg)! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/42290905))
> 
> [Alright, Gundham](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/d4/50/96/d45096d0751472cda5b870b0a2fdaa6c.jpg). [Everything but](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/15/25/7e/15257eb7ce4aa6da9df9c39c0a180ac2.jpg) [the pants](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/b9/c9/e7/b9c9e70f2380013b57a2a342f6dc00f2.jpg). Mildly NSFW on the last one. The original post for these three seems to have been deleted, but I know it was from [this blog](https://lordofdorknessgundam.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Also have a [PSA](https://i.redd.it/o24ukl85h8461.jpg).


	27. Something Strange

Gundham and I went straight to the hospital again after waking up. Once again we helped Mikan where we could, but mostly just sat in the lobby watching Fuyuhiko stalk around. Knowing Nagito was in one of the rooms here made me uncomfortable, especially since we’d untied him. We hadn’t wanted to risk Monokuma blaming one of us if he died while restrained. But it seemed like he was spending most of his time unconscious and hadn’t gotten up since we put him in there yesterday so I wasn’t too worried.

“Hey, Fuyuhiko?” I stopped him as he was leaving to go walk around outside. He’d been in and out most of the day again.

“Huh? What do you want?”

“I wanted to ask about your wounds. How have they been doing?”

“Oh, fine. They’ve healed up pretty well.”

“A shame,” Gundham sighed. We both looked at him, startled.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, asshole?” Fuyuhiko demanded, scowling.

“Hmm? Oh, nothing.”

“Come on, Gundham,” I sighed. “I asked you two to knock it off yesterday. Can’t you at least try to get along?”

“One of your minuscule abilities could not hope to command me,” Gundham said dismissively.

I frowned at him. Had that been a misguided attempt at banter? Maybe he just didn’t realize I was being serious. Well, we could talk about that later. I didn’t want to argue with him in front of Fuyuhiko and I still had things I wanted to ask. “Uh, anyway,” I said, trying to get back to my original line of questioning. “Mikan said you shouldn’t be able to move around so much this soon.”

“It’s fine. I’m not about to let a little pain stop me.”

“Sorry, that’s not exactly what I meant. Like, you really shouldn’t be capable of it.”

“I guess she just underestimated how tough I am.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to hearing this kind of machismo coming out of someone who looked like he was barely in middle school.

Gundham laughed and we both stared at him. His laughs usually had a practiced air, as if he’d spent a lot of time rehearsing them. The rare, more spontaneous ones I’d heard from him hadn’t sounded anything like that. It had a hard, mocking edge to it. I wanted to know what was going on with that, but a vein had started throbbing in Fuyuhiko’s forehead and I figured it would be better to keep things moving along before they started arguing again. I was getting tired of having to mediate for these two. “I’m wondering if you think you healed unnaturally fast,” I said quickly, deciding to try a new tack.

“Huh.” Fuyuhiko folded his arms slowly and looked thoughtful. “I’ve never been injured like this before so I don’t know what’s normal.” He rubbed at his arm where one of his more serious cuts had been as if testing it. “But yeah, it seems like it all healed really fast. What the fuck?”

I nodded, fingering my ear. Mikan had removed the stitches earlier, expressing surprise at how quickly they’d become unnecessary. “The same thing happened to me. Nagito tore my earlobe in two just the other day and it barely even hurts anymore.”

“Perhaps there is some dark magic at work,” Gundham said mysteriously. I gave him a searching look. I still had no idea how much - if any - of that stuff he actually believed in. His face didn’t give me any clues as to whether he was being serious right now or not.

Fuyuhiko just ignored him this time. “Maybe Monokuma’s got some kind of new technology he used on me when he had me in that fucking ambulance. We’ve seen a lot of weird shit since we got here.”

“Monokuma hasn’t touched me at all though,” I pointed out.

“At least that can be said of someone on this island,” Gundham chuckled. My face snapped over to him in shock. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did that have something to do with Nagito? Why would he joke about that? He brought a hand up to his mouth as if trying to suppress a continued urge to laugh, and I wasn’t sure I had ever seen him look so amused. I opened my mouth to demand an explanation for that comment, but it was Fuyuhiko’s turn to push ahead with our conversation before I could start an argument.

“What else could it possibly be?” he asked.

“Uh…” I turned back to him, trying to gather my thoughts. “I don’t know. I’ve just felt like something is wrong with this island, I guess. Something bigger than we think. This might have something to do with it.”

“Well, of all the crazy shit going on, healing faster isn’t the thing I’m itching to complain about.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Fuyuhiko left and I sighed and leaned back into my chair. Clearly, Gundham and I needed to talk about something, but I wanted to settle my nerves a bit first. I hadn’t brought anything to occupy myself with, so after staring at the wall for a minute I turned to him. “Hey, can I hold one of the Devas?”

“They are not here. I left them at the cottage today.”

“Oh, okay. Wait, what?” His tone was so casual it took me a moment to process how strange that was. “Why? Are you afraid of them getting the disease?”

He shrugged, an unfamiliar gesture from him. Why was he acting so strange this morning? “That is of no consequence. I merely did not wish to contend with their various annoyances today.”

“Will they be okay on their own? Don’t they have a feeding schedule or something?”

“What does it matter? They will survive a day without me needing to constantly tend to them. They are only hamsters.”

I couldn’t believe I was hearing this from him. Had the events of the past few days shook him that badly? For a moment I wondered if this was another vivid dream. Was Nagito going to burst into the room waving a knife around and cackling? Was I going to wake up, safe in bed, the whole Despair Disease only a nightmare?

As that last thought reminded me why we were in this hospital in the first place, terror flooded through me. “Oh no…” I leaned over and reached out a hand to Gundham’s face, which I noticed now was looking less pale than usual. He furrowed his brow and tried to swat me away, but I was persistent and managed to get my palm on his forehead. “Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm evil because not only am I leaving you all with a cliffhanger off of a short chapter, my next update is going to be a day or two later than usual. However! It's my birthday tomorrow 🎉 (Hajime's too, funnily enough), and to celebrate I'm gonna be posting a fun little fluff fic I've been working on about Gundham running a D&D game in island mode. So keep an eye out for that!


	28. Cruelty

After I rushed to get Mikan, she confirmed that Gundham had a fever and got him into the last patient room. If anyone else got sick, we were going to have to start improvising. After ensuring he wasn’t in any immediate danger, she left us sitting alone.

“I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re okay, Gundham,” I told him. “Is there anything I can get you?” He shook his head, staring out the window. “Okay, then can I ask you some things?”

“I make no promises to answer,” he said as if barely paying attention.

I clenched my fists in annoyance but tried not to blame him for how he was acting right now. “I just want you to tell me the Devas’ daily schedule. When you feed them and do other things for them. I’m going to take care of them while you’re sick.”

“Why are you so concerned for their welfare? They are short-lived creatures. Whether they suffer or even die, what does it matter when they will be gone and forgotten so soon?”

Hearing him say such a terrible thing so flippantly was a shock, and I had to take a deep breath to collect myself. “This isn’t you, Gundham,” I said quietly. It was more a reminder to myself than anything else.

“Is it not? Who resides in this body if not I? My mental defenses would not allow me to be possessed.” He laughed when I didn’t answer. “Besides, do you not chafe at the time and attention I have lavished on those mere rodents, which could have been spent on you instead?” He gave me a patronizing grin.

Even knowing he wasn’t himself, that shocked me to hear. “What? Of course not!” I knew arguing with him was pointless right now, but I couldn’t help feeling the need to defend myself against an accusation like that. “I love the Devas! And besides, I would never ask you to choose between your animals and me, I know how much you care about them. When you’re not like this,” I added darkly.

He laughed again, sounding callous, and when he spoke there was sarcasm in his voice. Yet another thing I’d never heard from him before. “Ah yes, you would not ask me to give anything up or force me to change, just as you said. You love me!” His tone turned haughty and cold. “I wonder when you will realize that I do not feel the same. That I am not capable of feeling such affections for so pitiable a creature. I am so far above you I can only view you with the same regard as I do my other pets.”

This isn’t him, I reminded myself. This isn’t him. This isn’t him. Even knowing the truth of that, hearing those words, in his voice, hurt so badly.

“Nevertheless, your company has been an entertaining, if simple, diversion during our exceedingly dull time on this island.” He smiled condescendingly and reached out to pat my head. I smacked his arm away, glaring at him. “Once we leave, however, I am looking forward to having more meaningful things to occupy myself with once again. As I said last night, I have many pursuits more interesting than humoring a sad little mortal.”

“Just shut up and tell me the schedule,” I growled, fighting back tears. I felt bad getting angry at him, but I couldn’t take any more of this.

He sighed. “Very well, it is not like I have more pressing matters to attend to. Or even more interesting ones. In fact, it is good to have someone otherwise useless to handle such menial labor for me.”

“Someone… useless?” I asked, letting myself get baited again against my better judgment.

“Indeed. I have come to believe that you did not forget your talent. After all, for each of us _real_ Ultimates our talent has been so entwined with our lives that we would have to lose nearly every one of our memories to forget it. Rather, I do not think you ever had one to begin with. Which is good, it makes you better suited for servitude to a more worthwhile individual such as myself.”

I didn’t know why those particular words cut me so deep. I was a worthwhile person with or without a talent, wasn’t I? But deep down, something stirred inside me. Some gnawing fear that I was just normal. Average. _Boring_. That this was all I was ever going to be. And that I would never, could never, be interesting or important to someone like Gundham. That fear had always been a part of me, but I had been able to suppress it by telling myself there really was something special about me that I just couldn’t remember right now. But he was right. Could I really have forgotten something so fundamental to who I was?

“Are you done?” I was finally able to spit out.

“Yes, yes.” He started rattling off all the tasks he would normally do for the Devas and at what times. It was complicated, and each hamster had some slightly different needs, so I wrote it all down.

“Thank you,” I said through gritted teeth, and left before he could cut at me with any more vicious words. Shaking, I sat down in the hospital lobby and buried my face in my hands, trying to keep my crying silent.

I heard the sound of a door opening and Fuyuhiko’s voice as he came back from his walk. “Huh? What happened to you?”

I looked up, trying to wipe the tears from my eyes. There were too many for me to be very successful. I took a shuddering breath or two and did my best to talk without breaking into sobs. “Gundham, he- he’s got it.”

“Oh, shit.” Fuyuhiko sat down across from me. “I thought he was acting funny. He’s not sick like Nagito though, right? He’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” I said flatly. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“Something else wrong, then?”

“Well, we’ve given a name to everyone else’s diseases. I guess we could call his the Cruelty Disease.”

“Damn, is that what all that shit was about earlier? Did he say something fucked up to you?”

I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, a thing or two.” Fuyuhiko opened his mouth to say more, but I cut him off. “I know it’s not him. I know he doesn’t mean it. But I don’t think I can be around him right now. He’s too good at hurting me when he’s like this.”

Fuyuhiko nodded. “I don’t mind telling him to shove it up his ass, and Mikan’s used to being bullied anyway. We can hold down the fort here for a while.”

“Thanks, Fuyuhiko. I need to go back to the hotel to take care of the hamsters, anyway. I’ll come back later, bring everyone some food from the restaurant.”

“Yeah, sure. Now get the fuck out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bullying a Hajime, Gundham? [Not cool](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a2/a3/d9/a2a3d982c649e1b3de4b07328d468472.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/41732940))


	29. The Great Gundham Tanaka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  !

I had taken Gundham’s key so I wouldn’t have to summon Monokuma to open his door for me. Despite all the time I’d spent in this cottage with him, it felt like a strange violation to enter it alone. But I had to, and I knew he would thank me for it once he recovered. I tried not to let ‘if he recovers’ trail onto the end of that thought.

The Devas were anxious after having been left alone for so long. I did the best I could to calm them down, but I knew as well as they did that I couldn’t ever do as good of a job as Gundham. Once I’d attended to their feeding on the other tasks on the schedule, I lay down in his bed and let myself cry as much as I needed to.

It took a while. There had been so much going on. We were all just high schoolers! What had we done to deserve being stuck on this island and forced to endure all of this? Why did we have to lose so many friends? Why did we have to be complicit in the deaths of some of those friends? Why did I have to fall in love with someone, knowing how easily I might lose him here? I had brought Gundham’s scarf with me and I hugged it close as I cried, letting the familiar scent of musty hamsters mixed with the oils and incenses he used in his rituals soothe me as I tried not to wonder if there had been any kernels of truth in his awful words today.

Eventually, I ran out of tears and got up, emotionally and physically drained. I took a shower to wash some of the day’s stresses away, then got dressed again and wrapped Gundham’s scarf around my neck. I wondered for a moment if that was a bad idea since he’d been sick, but I figured that with how close we always were I had probably already caught the Despair Disease from him and it would only be a matter of time before I started showing symptoms. I shuddered at the thought of who I might become once I did.

I didn’t want to leave the Devas alone anymore today so I carefully fished them out of their cage. They seemed confused that someone who wasn’t Gundham was doing this, but having his scarf was enough to convince them to cooperate. It was strange having them in there. My neck was too warm, and I felt like an imposter. But once they settled in, they didn’t move around too much and I didn’t get scratched or bitten. As I turned to leave, Cham-P poked his face out to squeak at me with concern and tickle my ear with his whiskers.

I stopped halfway out the door, a horrible thought occurring to me. No… there was no way… but with him in that state, I couldn’t be sure. Petting Cham-P’s tiny head to help steel my resolve, I grabbed a couple of things out of the backpack I’d filled up at Rocketpunch the other day before exiting the cottage.

I went to the restaurant and grabbed as much food as I could before heading back to the hospital. Fuyuhiko raised an eyebrow upon seeing me wearing Gundham’s scarf but didn’t comment on it as he took the food from me. “How are things going over here?” I asked.

“Pretty much the same. Mikan’s trying to get some sleep, Nagito’s still hanging on, everyone else is just sick and acting all fucked. Same as before. Man, you were right about Gundham. I mean, he’s always been a bit of an asshole, but he’s seriously making it personal now. Fired some shots at me about Peko.”

Fuyuhiko looked off to the side as he said that and I winced. Gundham may act like he was in a completely different world than everyone else sometimes, but it seemed like he knew exactly how to hurt people if he wanted to. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Seriously?” His tone was as angry as it was dismissive. “Do you have any idea how long you’d survive in the yakuza if you let shit like that get to you? I’m not gonna fall apart because some teenager said something mean to me.”

“Yeah, well. You’re not in the yakuza, are you? Not right now. As long as you’re here, you’re just some teenager too, like the rest of us. We all saw how much it tore you up to lose her. No one will think less of you if you show some feelings about it.”

“Don’t fucking pity me.” The words were forceful, but his voice was weak as he said them.

“Fuyuhiko, do you really think I… well, I guess you don’t actually know me too well yet. But I told you, you’re my friend, and if you ever need to talk about something, I’m here.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t need a fucking friend,” he grumbled.

“I do,” I said quietly, my eyes falling to the floor.

Fuyuhiko stared at my crestfallen face for a long moment. Then he looked away and started fidgeting nervously with his tie. “Fine. Whatever. You win. If I want to talk about something, I’ll tell you, okay? Just stop looking so sad, fucking hell. You’re making me feel like I kicked a puppy.”

“Sorry. I guess it’s been a rough day.”

“Anyway.” He pulled himself together. “Do you want to see Gundham?”

“Yeah, about that.” I pulled a pair of handcuffs out of my pocket and Fuyuhiko raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t need to know what weird shit you two are into.”

“Wh-What?” My face turned red. “No- you- fuck, Fuyuhiko. I’m worried he’s gonna hurt someone. Kill someone, maybe.”

“Seriously? Gundham?” He looked skeptical. “I mean, he’s intense, sure, but I never took him for a murderer. And like…” he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I saw how he was with you the other day after Nagito fucked you up. Even if he did want to off someone to get out of here, you really think he’d do that if it meant you had to die too?”

“Normally no, but… Cruelty Disease, remember? I don’t think he cares about anyone else right now. He didn’t hesitate to hurt me earlier. Seemed to be enjoying it, if anything.”

“Shit, you’re right.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “You sure that’s a good idea, though? Kinda makes him a target.”

“I think it’s the less dangerous option. Not just for everyone else, but for him too. You know what would have to happen if he killed someone.” I reached into his scarf and pulled out the taser I’d stashed there. “We can give him this to defend himself with.”

“Alright.” We took a minute to work out a plan before walking down the hallway to Gundham’s room. I took a moment to steady my resolve before pushing the door open.

The room was empty. “Fuck!” Fuyuhiko shouted. We darted back into the hallway to check the other rooms. I grabbed his arm to stop him from rushing past as I heard a familiar deep voice drifting through Ibuki’s door.

“Mioda, do you not think it would be best if you took your life?” The words filled my brain with ice. I burst into the room to see him handing her the tanto he had confiscated from Fuyuhiko the other day and he spun around, grinning as if he’d just been caught in a bit of harmless mischief. A sick horror trickled through me as I realized he must have had that hidden in his coat since we left his cottage this morning.

When he saw me, he burst out laughing. “Do you think I have enchanted that scarf with my talent, you ridiculous child? It is not that easy to become an Ultimate.” At the sound of his voice, a couple of the Devas poked their heads out of the scarf in question and squeaked with excitement. My heart ached for them, but there was no way I was letting them get near him right now. I knew how heartbroken he’d be if he ever hurt one of them.

“Ibuki, don’t fucking kill yourself!” Fuyuhiko shouted, rushing forward to snatch the knife from her. “Gundham, get your ass back in bed!”

“Oh, very well. It seems my ploy was not destined to be successful.” He pushed his way past me and exited the room, his casual chuckle sending a chill down my spine.

“Seriously, Ibuki. If anyone tells you to hurt yourself, or anyone else, come to me first, okay?” I didn’t think just telling her not to do it at all would work, since she seemed to follow the last order she’d been given. But hopefully, something like this would at least give her a chance.

“Sure thing, Hajime!” She smiled cheerily.

“Fuck.” Fuyuhiko looked floored as we stood out into the hall. “You were fucking right. Good thinking, Hajime.”

I rubbed my forehead, taking a deep breath. “I’m just glad we were in time. Come on, we’re not done yet.”

When I pushed open the door to Gundham’s room he was back in bed, grinning at us as we entered. “Will you ever stop dogging my heels, Hajime Hinata? You truly are rather a nuisance.”

“Shut up,” I sighed. “I’m just here to check on something for Mikan, I don’t need your commentary.” I moved over to him, Fuyuhiko following beside me.

“You try something like that again, asshole, I will give you this knife back.” He waved the tanto angrily, drawing Gundham’s attention while I leaned over the bed. “And you’re not gonna like where I stick it.”

“Give me your hand,” I muttered, trying to sound absent-minded as I pulled the handcuffs out of my pocket again from an angle he couldn’t see. He complied without thinking, narrowing his eyes at Fuyuhiko. He opened his mouth and was about to shoot back a doubtlessly cutting remark when I closed the handcuffs as quickly as I could onto his wrist and the head of the bed.

His face snapped towards me, full of sudden fury. “What do you think you’re doing, you insolent trash!” With that snake-like speed of his, his free hand shot out and seized me by the throat with enough force to knock me off balance. I’d still been leaning over the bed and my body crashed into it now as he dragged my face towards his own. “How dare you lay hands upon the great Gundham Tanaka!” he screamed, his fingers working their way into the gap between my jaw and the scarf. He squeezed hard enough to stain my vision with dark patches and the Devas squeaked in panic and squirmed around as I tried to pry him off. That strength of his, which had always been a source of comfort before, overwhelmed me with helpless terror now.

While I sputtered and scrabbled uselessly against his vice-like grip, Fuyuhiko moved in from behind me and punched him hard in the face. He cried out in pain and released me, giving me the opportunity to get my feet back under me and stagger out of his reach, coughing and rubbing at my throat. Fuyuhiko stepped back a safe distance too before he could recover.

Shouting with wordless rage, Gundham rattled the cuffs loudly against the bars of the headboard, but they were on securely. I leaned against the wall, relieved. I hadn’t expected him to get as violent as he had, and if he’d managed to escape I wasn’t sure I’d have gotten out of this room alive. Seeing him as a source of danger chilled me in a way even Nagito didn’t. It was just so… wrong. A sickening inversion of reality. He wasn’t supposed to be a threat, he was supposed to be safe. He was supposed to keep me safe.

After exploring the cuffs with his free hand and determining he wasn’t getting them off, Gundham stared over at us with frenzied eyes. “Release me at once!” he demanded.

“Not a _fucking_ chance.” Fuyuhiko glowered at him, shaking out his knuckles. If he’d been able to get Gundham to let me go with just one punch, he must have been stronger than I thought.

“Are you going to kill me?” Gundham sounded more angry than scared at the prospect. Almost affronted at the idea that us insignificant mortals would have the audacity to take his life.

“Of course not!” I croaked, still massaging my throat and trying to keep my shaking legs from failing me.

“If anyone tries to attack you, hit them with this and scream for help.” Fuyuhiko pulled the taser out of his pocket and tossed it to Gundham.

“Your lives will be the first I take when I have freed myself, you blackguards,” he hissed, rubbing at his jaw as we hurried out of the room.

I collapsed into one of the lobby chairs and, as the adrenaline drained out of me, started shivering violently all over. I felt like I was going to throw up. “Are you okay?” Fuyuhiko asked, sitting down beside me.

“No,” I whispered, grabbing the back of my head and resting my elbows on my knees. “That was fucking awful.”

“Looks like it was the right thing to do though,” he tried to reassure me.

“Yeah. Looks like,” I said flatly. I would have preferred to have been wrong. I let out a wheezy laugh with a bit of hysteria lurking in its depths. It sounded uncomfortably like one of Nagito’s. “Well, hey, I guess you don’t owe me anymore, huh? You saved my life in there.”

“Nah.” He shook his head. “If he’d pulled that off, and gotten away with it, we’d _all_ be dead. We’ll call this one even.”

“If you’re sure.” I was beginning to suspect this whole blood debt thing might just be an excuse to keep being my friend. I hoped he wouldn’t always feel the need for a pretense like that, but I didn’t mind letting him cling to it for now.

“It’s probably best if you get out of here. Go back to the hotel, get some fucking sleep. I’ll tell Mikan what happened, we’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath, trying to get my trembling at least marginally under control. “Thanks, Fuyuhiko. For everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tl;dr: Hajime convinces Fuyuhiko that they need to restrain Gundham because he might kill someone. They find him trying to do exactly that and intervene. Hajime handcuffs him to his bed and Gundham freaks out and attacks him with his free hand. Fuyuhiko saves Hajime by punching Gundham in the face.
> 
> Pffft, tsundere boy [doesn't need a friend](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/22/c9/e3/22c9e3ab25f1719e344de7ee3ff052e5.jpg)! (spoilers: he definitely needs a friend)
> 
> [You're not gonna like where I stick it](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/74178016).
> 
> [Oh shit, oh fuck](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/51/b3/64/51b364caf356abac89b93bf2f5a81df5.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/30987415))
> 
> [He protecc](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8c/9d/79/8c9d7945c030fe9a0bf43f3d59cdae05.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/49170211))


	30. Base Appetites

I was awoken the next morning not by the Monokuma announcement, but by a knocking on my door. Well, Gundham’s door. I had slept in his cottage to better keep an eye on the Devas who were having as rough a time of things as I was with him gone. The knocking was insistent, but also had a tentative character to it that suggested it was trying to apologize for existing. There was only one person I could think of that would knock on a door like that. I got out of bed to check and, sure enough, there was Mikan, looking distraught.

“Ummm, N-N-Nagito, he-” She burst into tears.

“Did he hurt someone?” The all-too-familiar chilling sensation of fear started to spread through my body.

“U-umm, no, but he’s awake. I’m s-scared to be the only h-healthy person in the hospital with him. Please come back with me, Hajimeeee!” she wailed.

“But… you left all the sick people there alone with him? What if he hurts someone while you’re not there?” My fear turned into desperate terror and I grabbed her by the shoulders. “What if he hurts Gundham?!” I shouted. Why had I left him like that? I should have stayed there all night watching him, making sure he was safe. If he got hurt because he couldn’t fight back, it would be my fault.

Tears started flooding out of her. “I d-d-didn’t know wh-what else to doooooo! P-Please don’t hate me! Forgive me!”

“Yeah… yeah, of course.” Her crying snapped me out of it and I let her go. “One minute.” I darted back inside and hurriedly grabbed my backpack. I quickly stuck the Devas into Gundham’s scarf again as well, reluctant to leave them alone despite the hurry I was in. Mikan was still sniveling just outside the door when I finished, and we ran together to the hospital.

Once there, I rushed immediately to Nagito’s room, throwing the door open. It was empty. Cursing, I went to Gundham’s next.

“Why are you telling me this as though I should care? If he is dead, he is dead.” I heard Gundham’s voice as I shouldered my way in. He must have been talking to Nagito, who was standing over the hospital bed. Without stopping to assess the situation, I slammed into him, wrapping an arm around his neck and grabbing him roughly by the hair.

“Excellent! Hold him still,” Gundham said brightly as he shoved his taser hard into Nagito’s side. He laughed heartily like he’d just heard a particularly good joke as Nagito went stiff and started making a strangled, gurgling noise. I would have been relieved to see that he was unarmed if I’d been able to think that clearly.

“C-careful!” Mikan’s voice came from behind me. “He’s still sick!”

Right. Incapacitating Nagito with the taser had been helpful, but we didn’t want to accidentally kill him. I pulled him away from the weapon and he slumped.

“Hajime, bring him back! I have been so bored.” Gundham’s grin of sadistic delight twisted the angry purple bruise blooming on his jaw where Fuyuhiko’s punch had landed last night. Ignoring him, I started dragging Nagito out of the room. His grin morphed into a fierce scowl. “Tch I should not be surprised that you wish to enjoy some time alone with him.”

I froze halfway through the door as those words slammed around my heart like an iron maiden. “Is that true, Hajime?” Nagito asked woozily, turning a smile on me. He brought his hands up to weakly grasp my forearm, still wrapped around his neck, and rubbed his cheek against mine as I stared in shock at Gundham’s icy, furious eyes.

“Gundham…” My voice was barely a whisper. “How… how could you even think something like that?”

“Umm, Hajime,” Mikan tried to usher me out of the room, but I just stood there, unable to tear my gaze away from this horrible monster that had stolen the body of the man I loved. “He’s sick, he doesn’t know what he’s saying! Let’s go!”

“Shut up, you useless creature,” Gundham hissed at her. “No amount of skill in medicine will ever make anyone care about you or anything you have to say.” He turned his eyes back on me as she burst into tears, his lips twisting into a sneer. “Is it not true, Hajime? I will not allow you to satisfy your base human appetites with me, and so you seek to do so with one who has shown willing?”

My mouth dropped open as my thoughts congealed around his words, thickening until they came to a stop. Despite the Despair Disease, it was still Gundham at the core of this person in front of me. Was that something he was actually afraid of? With a colossal effort of will, I pulled myself together enough to shake my head and speak quietly. “Gundham, we’ll talk about this when you’re better.”

Nagito giggled and stroked at my arm with slim fingers as I dragged him out into the hall and back to his room. I had to yank on his hair to stop him from kissing my cheek, which just made him moan suggestively. Only the residue of adrenaline from my earlier panic stopped me from dropping him to the floor and fleeing from his nauseating touch.

Mikan staggered along behind us, wailing and rubbing at her tear-filled eyes. “Get me the duct tape!” I snapped when we had gotten the lucky student back to his room. She complied, sniffling in distress as she rummaged through my backpack and handed it to me.

Nagito was dazed and weak, so taping his arms behind his back wasn’t too difficult. He had to _make_ it difficult by being his typical creepy self though. “I don’t like it when you do this, Hajime. You should stop,” he said with a woozy grin on his face. He leaned his head back to look up at me through a mess of fluffy hair, his eyes unfocused but full of desire.

I gritted my teeth, remembering he had the Liar Disease. “Just shut up,” I growled. Once I was finished with the duct tape, I fished the rope out of my backpack myself and tied him, sitting upright, to the head of the hospital bed. Once he was secured to the best of my ability, I slumped onto the floor, shaking from head to toe.

“Umm, Hajime.” Mikan’s weak voice pierced through the ringing in my ears. “M-Maybe you should go to the lobby now. I’ll w-watch Nagito.”

“I thought… you were scared,” I said between gasps, struggling to control my breathing.

“If he’s t-tied up, I should be safe right? But you look very upset! H-having a panic attack isn’t going to help!”

“Okay.” I closed my eyes and took a few breaths before struggling to my feet, then staggered into the lobby and collapsed into a chair.

I was just starting to pull myself together when I noticed a blinking on the surveillance monitor we’d been using to communicate with the motel group. That was strange. We weren’t scheduled to talk for a while yet. I struggled to my feet again on still-shaky legs, then went over and accepted the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the Despair Disease is going away next chapter and we'll finally start getting some emotional resolution on all this.
> 
> [Nope nope nope](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/38355781).
> 
> Nagito doesn't _dislike_ [being tied up](https://www.deviantart.com/aileenlinette2985/art/Danganronpa-Nagito-Komaeda-Render-019-781134767).


	31. You Fear Me

Standing in the music venue with two more dead friends arrayed before me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. While Hiyoko had been insufferable, she had at least been trying to be a better person since Mahiru’s death. And Ibuki… losing her felt like losing the vibrant, cheerful heart of our group. She may have been a bit much at times, but she was a whirlwind of positivity we’d all desperately needed in this horrible place. And now she was just another cooling corpse, all of her energy and enthusiasm nothing but a memory. An almost physical jolt of pain passed through my heart as I realized I’d never even gotten to hear her music.

Before I could steady my resolve for another morbid investigation, Gundham spoke from behind me. “Hajime. Before you begin in earnest, may I speak with you?” I tensed up a bit hearing that voice and had to stop myself halfway to raising a hand to my throat. Monokuma had cured the Despair Disease in an instant once the murders were discovered, but the scars it had left behind wouldn’t be so easily dispelled. I took another deep breath.

Gundham had conspicuously avoided my gaze when he’d filtered into the scene of the crime along with everyone else from the hospital. When I turned around now he still wouldn’t look me in the eye, but he saw my nod and followed me out of the music venue. I led him around back, well out of the way of the others, and leaned against the wall while he stood before me, staring at the ground.

“There are no words I can muster to properly convey my apologies,” he said quietly. He brought up a hand to rub absently at his own throat as he recalled his actions, and I noticed that he still had half of the handcuffs around his wrist. Whoever had let him out must have just broken the chain.

“Oh, jeeze, Gundham, I’m sorry.” I fished the key out of my pocket.

“D-Don’t-” he stuttered, utterly appalled, as he finally turned his face to me. “Don’t apologize to me!”

He held out his hand when I gestured for it and I unlocked him, wincing as I noticed the harsh, reddish bruises from where he’d struggled against his restraint. “If I was going to handcuff you like that, I should have stayed there to watch you. It was completely irresponsible of me to run off like that. I never would have been able to forgive myself if you’d gotten hurt because I was so careless.”

“But it was not I who was hurt.” He rubbed at his newly freed wrist. “I have done you a great wrong.”

“Still,” I insisted. “I should have been-”

“Hajime, stop!” He stuck a hand into his hair and stared at me with wild eyes. Although the emotions in them seemed to be disbelief and desperation rather than fury, I couldn’t help but shrink away from that look, which was so like the one he had turned on me after he’d tried to strangle me. Seeing my reaction, his expression turned to horror and he staggered back, then dragged his hand down over his face, covering his eyes. “My actions have made you fear me.” His voice was quiet now, controlled.

“Gundham… it wasn’t your fault, okay? I don’t blame you.”

“Yet still you fear me.”

“I guess,” I admitted. I didn’t want to. I _really_ didn’t want to. I knew that even though this was the same body that had hurt me, the person inhabiting it at the time had been completely different. But I had learned a long time ago that I couldn’t choose what feelings to have. It was better to be honest about it. “A bit. I think I just need some time for things to get back to normal, okay? But I’m pretty sure they will. Just like when I was scared of things after Nagito, and you helped make it better.”

He nodded, sniffing and rubbing at his eyes. When he finally removed his hand, I saw that it had been hiding tears. I’d been seeing so many of those from him recently. “I am so, so sorry, Hajime.” His voice broke, taking my heart with it, and his next words came out in a horrified whisper. “I could have killed you.”

I frowned as, without seeming to realize what he was doing, he stuck his hand into his pinned-back sleeve and tensed it. Was he digging his fingernails into his arm? “Hey, what are you doing?” I asked sternly.

My tone seemed to snap him out of it because he pulled his hand out swiftly. “I- nothing,” he mumbled.

I stared at him for a long moment as he folded his arms and avoided my gaze, looking embarrassed. I’d wrapped those bandages for him a few times now, and I tried to think back to the scars I’d seen. Some were undoubtedly from bites or animal scratches, but some of them… I wasn’t sure. I’d never done anything like that myself, but I’d had a friend in the past who struggled with it. I made a mental note to start keeping an eye out for other signs.

“Hey.” I grabbed Gundham’s upper arms and squeezed them reassuringly. “I’m fine, okay? None of this was your fault. It was all fucking Monokuma and his Despair Disease. And nothing you did while you were like that can’t be fixed. I’m still here. A little hurt, a little shaken up, but still here. Alright?”

He pulled away from me, his eyes still not meeting mine. “Even putting aside my contemptible violence towards you, I… I said things that hurt you. Words that were carefully calculated to wound. As wielder of the Ultimate Evil Eye I see much that others do not, and in my aberrant state yesterday I used that power to hurt you. Hajime, none of it was true.”

It was my turn to look away from him. “I know you weren’t yourself,” I said quietly. “I know you would never say things to hurt me like that if you were. But was there really no truth in any of it?” He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped and looked like he was running over everything he had said to check before responding. If I was in a better state of mind I would have appreciated him taking care to be honest, but right now it just made my heart drop. “Do you really think I don’t have a talent?” I prompted.

“I do not _care_ if you have a talent or not! I have never cared. You are so much more to me than that. You know this.”

“That’s not the same as a ‘no.’” I said stubbornly, aware of how unfair I was being but unable to stop myself. Before he could respond, I pushed on. “And when you said you’d never be capable of loving someone like me…?”

“Of course that was not true!” Gundham grabbed me by the shoulders, his voice desperate now. “I once believed myself incapable of such affections for humans, it is true. But you have changed that! Hajime, please-”

“So when you said you don’t love me _now_ ,” I cut him off. “Was that a lie?”

Gundham looked as though I’d slapped him. Then I could see his face closing off as a door into his heart that I’d worked very carefully to pry open over the past weeks slammed shut right before my eyes. Something died away a little inside me and regret over my words rushed through me in a flood. I realized I’d been taking things out on him. Again. Even though I knew he was at least as upset about everything that had happened as I was.

At this point, one of the Devas poked their face out of the scarf I was wearing. Without looking, I reached up absent-mindedly to give it a finger to sniff and rub its soft, tiny face on. Gundham let go of me and stepped back again as he watched my little display, his face now completely devoid of expression. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that even though the person who had hurt me had used his face, his voice, his hands to do so, it hadn’t been him.

“Fuck!” I kicked the wall behind me with my heel and ran a hand through my hair. “Fuck this place! I can’t fucking take it anymore! Monokuma isn’t happy just making us kill each other, he has to make us hurt each other too. The whole way through.” I rubbed my face hard with both hands, trying to dispel some of the fear, pain, and worry roiling inside me. “This isn’t the time to talk about this. You don’t have to answer that. I shouldn’t have asked, especially not like this.”

“Hajime-”

I cut him off with a hug. “I’m so happy to have you back, Gundham. Seeing you like that, it was almost as bad as seeing you die. You weren’t… you.”

Gundham hugged me back, tentatively at first, as if afraid I would bolt at his touch. But when I didn’t pull away from him, he held me tight and clutched at my head. “Although I was not myself, it was still me that hurt you. I am so sorry.” His voice was thick with emotion and I could feel his tears on the side of my face. “The pain I know my words and actions have caused you over these past days will haunt me for some time.”

“Gundham, I’m sorry if this is a horrible thing to ask, but I have to know. Did you have anything to do with those murders?”

“No,” he whispered.

“Would you tell me if you did?”

He considered his words for a moment before responding. “You asked me the other night whether I would sacrifice your life for mine,” he said quietly. “The answer is no. As high a value as I place on my own survival, I would never be capable of such a thing.”

I held him tighter at those words. We both needed a lot of comforting right then so our hug lasted a long time. Eventually, he spoke again. “You have my deepest gratitude for keeping a watchful eye over my Four Dark Devas of Destruction. It seems they have done well in your care.”

“They definitely missed you, but they tolerated me at least.”

“I did not anticipate that you would carry them around like this for me.” He tugged the scarf open with a finger to peer inside.

I laughed a little. “Well, I didn’t actually do that part for you. I did it for them. I didn’t want to leave them alone.”

“A superior motivation.” He gave me a weak grin. “I am pleased that you care for them so. They tell me they have developed a great fondness for you as well. Although I suspect Maga-Z may be a bit envious of my affection for you.”

“Oh, right.” I pulled away from him. “They probably want to see you again.”

His grin turned into one of excitement, and I realized that it must have been hard for him to have been apart from them for so long. He slipped his hands into the scarf, too absorbed in what he was doing to notice my instinctive wince as his fingers brushed my throat. I was glad about that, really. I didn’t want him to feel any worse about things than he already did. I couldn’t imagine how much it would hurt to have to hold the memory of having done something like that to him in my own head.

“Return to my side, San-D! Jum-P! Maga-Z! Cham-P!” At his command, the hamsters scuttled their way up his arms. It was one of those bizarre and impressive feats only the Ultimate Breeder could have accomplished and it made me smile to see. I removed the scarf as he was greeting the Devas one by one, then wrapped it around his neck for him. He took his time getting reacquainted with each of his tiny companions before tucking them away.

“Come on,” I sighed deeply. “We should get going. Today’s only just starting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sad hug.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a0/02/88/a00288ed124156494d7258bddb70bdd6.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/67415899))


	32. No, That's Wrong!

“Hey.” I was absorbed in examining Hiyoko’s body when I felt a tap on my arm and turned to see Fuyuhiko. “Can I talk to you?”

“Can it wait until after the trial?” As usual, I was one of the only people actually trying to do a thorough investigation and I didn’t want us all to die because I kept getting interrupted. But Fuyuhiko shook his head. “Alright.”

I followed him as he walked towards the storage room. Gundham, who had been hovering around me, tried to join us but Fuyuhiko put up a hand to stop him. “Just Hajime,” he said firmly, leading me away. He closed the door and pulled me into a far corner. “Any chance it was him?” His voice was quiet but serious.

“I don’t think so.”

“And you’re sure that’s not just wishful thinking? He could have told Ibuki to kill herself again, and anyone who tried to stop her.”

I shook my head. “I asked him about it. He said he wouldn’t let me die for him. He seemed sincere.”

“That bastard seems sincere about a lot of complete bullshit,” he said darkly.

“I saw him this morning, he was still handcuffed. There’s no way he could have gotten out and tied up Hiyoko’s body while I was running around.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Alright. I’ll keep that in mind. I’m not ruling it out though, not yet. You shouldn’t either.”

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “Okay. I won’t.” The idea that Gundham could have done this filled me with dread, but Fuyuhiko was right. I couldn’t start this investigation with any preconceptions. It suddenly occurred to me how fucked up this case was. If someone with the Despair Disease had been the one to do this, Monokuma had effectively turned them into puppets. We would have to expose them, and they would die. And it wouldn’t be because they’d killed out of selfishness or anger, but because they’d gotten sick.

Fuyuhiko was about to say something when the door opened, and the very last person I wanted to see strolled through it with a friendly smile on his face.

“Hey, Hajime!” Nagito waved at us. “I guess I wasn’t the only one to get tied up with rope and duct tape this morning.” He laughed and gestured towards Hiyoko’s morbidly displayed body before the door swung shut.

“Shut up and get the fuck out, psycho!” Fuyuhiko shouted at him.

His smile didn’t falter. “I think it might be important to look around in here. And I also think it’s fair to ask Hajime if he had anything to do with this, given the circumstances.”

It was my turn to be interrupted by the door swinging open. This time it was Gundham, his face twisted with fury as he snatched at Nagito’s collar and started to drag him out of the room.

“Hey!” He protested. “You’re interfering with my investigation!”

“You can wait until they are finished, you wretched skulk,” Gundham growled, slamming the door shut behind them.

“Well,” Fuyuhiko said matter-of-factly. “Looks like he’s back to his usual charming self, anyway.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “It’s good to have him back.”

There was silence for a moment as Fuyuhiko stared off into the middle distance as if remembering something. “He’s not gonna… I mean, strangling? That’s fucking dangerous. My parents knocked each other around a lot, but even they never did anything like that. Well, my mom came at my dad with a knife a couple of times, I guess.”

“Oh. I’m… sorry?” I had no idea what to say to something like that.

“I’m not fishing for sympathy, dumbass.” Despite the cursing, he didn’t sound angry. “Just… be careful. You get even the slightest suspicion he’s gonna do something like that to you again, you come to me, alright? Don’t put up with him hitting you or any shit like that.”

“Oh god, Fuyuhiko, no. He was sick, he’s not like that at all normally. He’s as gentle with me as he is with those hamsters. He’s never shown any signs of being violent.”

Fuyuhiko raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at the door where Gundham had just dragged Nagito away.

I sighed. “Okay, fine. He’s never shown any signs of being violent with anyone who isn’t Nagito.”

“Fair enough,” Fuyuhiko chuckled. “Who hasn’t wanted to throw that bastard off a pier?”

* * *

“Mikan… you’re the killer, aren’t you?” I pointed at her, standing almost directly opposite me on the class trial ring. After all the evidence we’d gone through up to this point, I couldn’t think of anyone else it could possibly be.

As expected, she squealed in distress and stammered out a protest. She had a lot of practice playing up how sad and pathetic she was for sympathy and it seemed to be working on the rest of the class. But my heart was already hardening to her as I went over everything in my mind again and only became more and more sure it had to have been her. I didn’t _want_ to believe it, of course. She was one of the last people I would have guessed would be capable of something like this. But nothing else made any sense.

There was a bit more back and forth until I brought up what I considered to be the definitive piece of evidence. “I was in the hospital lobby when I saw the video. If someone wanted to go to the conference room from outside, they’d have to pass through there.”

“So it’s impossible that someone who wasn’t already in the hospital went to the conference room to film,” Fuyuhiko said thoughtfully.

“And everyone else there was delirious from the Despair Disease,” Nagito added. I hated feeling like I was on the same side as him, but I pushed aside my revulsion to listen.

“U-Umm no, that’s not right!” Mikan wailed. “Gundham wasn’t as sick as the others since he hadn’t had the disease for as long!”

I shook my head firmly. “He was handcuffed to his bed, there’s no way he could have done it.”

“Umm,” Mikan gulped. “I let him go.”

“You… what?” I stared at her, stunned.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Fuyuhiko shouted.

“Hajime tied up Nagito, b-but I was still scared! When I went to check on the others, Gundham said he would watch him for me if I let him out.” She held her hands up in front of her face placatingly. “I-I’m sorry Hajime, I knew you were scared too and we needed his help!”

My brain froze over as I contemplated this new revelation. Gundham was just staring at Mikan in open-mouthed shock as Fuyuhiko started shouting again. “I told you what he did last night, why would you think that was a good fucking idea?!”

“See, Miss Sonia?” Kazuichi glared at Gundham. “I knew that asshole was gonna kill someone! I told you guys ages ago! I was right about Fuyuhiko, and I was right about him!”

“What did he do last night?” Chiaki asked, cocking her head.

Fuyuhiko glanced over at me, and I shook my head weakly. I didn’t want everyone to know about this. “Hajime, I’m sorry, man. But all our fucking lives are on the line here.” He turned back to address the rest of the group. “We were calling Gundham’s thing the Cruelty Disease because it turned him into a complete bastard. Hajime was worried he would do something like this so we went to cuff him to the bed. We caught him trying to get Ibuki to kill herself, and he attacked Hajime. Probably would have strangled him to death if I wasn’t there.”

Silence fell. Everyone turned to look at Gundham, who had started trembling. Monokuma laughed one of his horrible, cheerful laughs. “Oh my, it’s getting interesting now!”

“Gundham…” Sonia looked horrified. “Is this true?”

He crossed his arms and looked away. I wasn’t sure if anyone else could tell, but it was clearly taking everything he had not to burst into tears. I closed my eyes, trying to kickstart my brain again as people started frantically interrogating him all around me. He didn’t respond to any of the questions being hurled his way.

“No,” I whispered, opening my eyes. No one paid me any attention so I said it again, louder this time. “No!” When everyone turned to me I pointed angrily at Mikan. I was sure now. That desperate gambit of hers had proven that she wasn’t the innocent victim she was trying to appear. “That’s wrong! You’re lying, Mikan!”

She burst into tears, but now that I was looking for it, I could see that they looked different than usual. They were an act. “H-H-Hajime!” she cried. “How could you say that! After I helped you with the medicine you needed!”

“What medicine?” Akane asked. “Were you sick too, Hajime?”

Mikan shook her head. “Hajime needs to take-”

“That was days before the Despair Disease, and it’s got nothing to do with this!” I interrupted. So much for carer-patient confidentiality. She must have been trying to throw me off, but I wasn’t going to let her. “What’s important is that you couldn’t have unlocked him! I have the only key to those handcuffs!”

Mikan recoiled from my refutation, stammering until she could come up with a new lie. “I didn’t unlock them! I broke them!”

“How?” Fuyuhiko demanded. “Gundham’s easily the strongest person on this island after Nekomaru and Akane. If he couldn’t do it himself, how did _you_?”

“Umm, there are some electric saws in the hospital. I used one of those to break the chain!”

“That should have been pretty loud,” Chiaki said slowly, looking up at the ceiling as if doing a complex calculation. “Did anyone else hear it?”

“Well, I passed out again right after Hajime tied me up,” Nagito said, his cheerful tone at odds with the life-or-death nature of the situation we were in.

“What about you, Akane?”

“I dunno.” She was scratching at her ear thoughtfully. “I don’t remember it, but I think I was still asleep. This all happened before the morning announcement, right?”

“Some fucking help you two idiots are,” Fuyuhiko muttered.

“It’s true that someone broke the handcuffs like that,” I admitted. “But I definitely didn’t hear anything like that after I went to the lobby. And I would have noticed if whoever was in the video had a cuff around one wrist!”

“You could just be defending him!” Kazuichi was scowling at me, his pointed teeth giving his face an intimidating cast I didn’t usually expect from him.

“What? I don’t want to die!”

“You don’t want him to die either though, do you? Everyone knows you're crazy about him, how can we trust you?”

“Because Gundham wouldn’t want me to throw my life away for him either,” I said quietly. Another silence fell. Kazuichi and Fuyuhiko still didn’t look convinced, but it seemed like everyone was taking a moment to get their breath back and consider where to go from here.

“Monokuma.” Sonia, who hadn’t taken long to regain her cool composure, turned to the horrible monochrome bear. “Did you have to let Gundham out after the bodies were discovered, or had he already been freed?”

“Puhuhu!” He covered his mouth with his paws as he laughed, looking absolutely delighted. “I’m not getting in the middle of this lover’s quarrel! This is way too much fun.”

Despite the chaos, Chiaki’s calm demeanor had been totally unaffected. “None of us want to believe it was you, Gundham,” she said. I thought she was trying to sound reassuring, but it was hard to tell with her.

“Speak for yourself!” Kazuichi shouted, grasping the railing in front of him so hard his knuckles were turning white.

Chiaki just continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “But we need some evidence. Is there anything you can tell us?”

“Gundham, please say something!” Sonia cried. He had remained silent this entire time, staring at the floor and looking like he wanted nothing more than to bolt from the room. I thought I saw a triumphant gleam in Mikan’s eyes as suspicion thickened around him.

“Come on, man,” Fuyuhiko pressed. “If it was you, admit it. Don’t let us all fucking die for you. I know you were sick and it wasn’t your fault, but you’re a better guy than that.”

“I’m not lying about this!” I cut in. “Don’t let her play us against each other!”

“I’m sorry, Hajime.” Fuyuhiko was shaking his head. “But unless you have something else… I mean, what’s more likely? That someone like Mikan killed two people, or that Gundham managed to carry out the same fucking plan we already heard him trying to put into action?”

“Ah, can you hold on a minute?” I turned towards the unexpected sound of Nagito’s voice. “Well, I know I’m being intrusive and all. And I mean, I have no place to say this. I missed all of the critical parts and I doubt I have anything worth adding at an important time like this…”

I took a few deep breaths, regaining my composure as Nagito kept hedging in that annoying way of his. How could he manage to come across as both arrogant and obsequious at the same time? It was unsettling.

Finally, after jerking us around a bit, he got to the point. “From the state of the rope, it’s obvious Ibuki didn’t use it to hang herself. Someone strangled her with it.”

Relief flooded through me. If Ibuki had been strangled, whether Mikan had released Gundham or not was completely irrelevant. Nagito and I at least had both seen him handcuffed this morning, so he couldn’t have killed her earlier than that. I looked over at Gundham and saw him close his eyes and heave a quiet sigh as he realized it too.

I wanted nothing more than to rush over to his spot on the ring, which wasn’t far from mine, and wrap him in a hug. But I couldn’t, not yet. We were starting to back Mikan into a corner, but she hadn’t given up. I closed my eyes, steeling myself so I could focus on the trial again and end this as quickly as possible. When I opened them, I saw Nagito fingering his slender throat and gazing at me with a strange grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I just had to keep you guys on your toes for a second there. We can now return to our regularly scheduled canon-compliance.
> 
> Poor Nagito is getting [thrown around a lot](https://preview.redd.it/vo2n2yiijui11.jpg?width=1024&auto=webp&s=ce3e8b09cd671b6906162ffea26cd484a63a1d14) in this fic. ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/70353165))
> 
> [You’ve yee’d your last haw, Mikan.](https://i.redd.it/u36a70gfd0561.gif) ([Source](https://twitter.com/zginrwsn/status/1334525379017523200))
> 
> Gundham just has no idea how to [deal with Mikan.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ed/ac/11/edac1152eef0071042b0b141c5fec3a2.jpg)([Source](https://mobile.twitter.com/kayasamad/status/510453482063532032))
> 
> [What’s Nagito thinking?](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/fc/e4/5a/fce45ab0cbd7346d3c986706d8523d7e.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/65112290))


	33. Bloodletting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  !

After Tsumiki’s execution, Hajime returned to his own cottage without me, and I followed suit. I didn’t know how I felt about that. On the one hand, I was certainly feeling the need for some time alone. But on the other, I wasn’t sure about where that left… us. Our argument this morning had been confusing, and more harrowing than the trial that followed. I had stood on shifting sands, trying desperately to get my feet under me as he barreled ahead, each piercing question throwing me further off.

Back in my cottage, I sat down hard on the sofa and buried my face in my hands. That desperation I’d felt while trying to reassure him was filling me again now. I had been able to sense everything between us unraveling more and more with each word we exchanged as I completely failed to come up with the answers I needed to mend the damage I had done. My abilities lay only in destruction. Hajime was the one who knew how to heal.

It had taken every ounce of my carefully honed self-control, but I’d managed to hold myself together all day until now. Devoting all my concentration to not falling apart had left me too much of a mess to be of much use during the trial of course, but I wasn’t terribly good at such things anyway. I could never tell when people were lying, and I was all too aware of how lacking I was in powers of persuasion. When Tsumiki had tried to deflect suspicion onto me, Hajime had had to be the one to point out her contradictions and defend me. How pathetic. We could all have died because I let myself succumb to mutism like a child.

But now I was alone, and I could finally let that flimsy mask of composure drop. I hated losing control, even in private, so I didn’t let it fall away completely as I cried. My shoulders didn’t shake, I didn’t sob, I just let the flood of still, silent tears pour out of me. After a while, I rested my hands on my knees and stared at them. The bandaged fingers of my wicked arm twitched as I vividly recalled what it had been like to try and squeeze the life out of Hajime with them. His throat had felt so soft, so fragile. If I’d had both hands free I could have crushed his windpipe or snapped his neck with barely an effort.

Light-headedness overtook me as terrible images cascaded through my mind. Images of his sweet face turning red as he struggled for air and grasped at my wretched fingers trying to free himself. Images of what might have happened had Kuzuryu not been there to stop me. Gasping, I clutched at my hair, pulling on it to let the pain fight back the nausea and horror rising in me at the thought of the light leaving those precious peridots, the serene vitality of that smile of his never again gracing this world.

Tears fell from me as I clenched my eyes tight shut, trying to banish these foetid thoughts. I made a sound somewhere between a growl of anger and a cry of distress, and my Devas scrabbled out onto my shoulders, squeaking with concern. Normally their presence would have comforted me, but I was too deep in my desolate misery to even acknowledge them. Hajime had said he didn’t blame me, but how could I not blame myself? With the memory of every horrible misdeed so clear in my mind? I hadn’t been myself, it was true, but I hadn’t been someone else either. My illness had only given an outlet to the evils lurking deep in my soul.

I knew well that I was a creature of evil. My changeling nature and demonic blood would never allow me to be anything else. That was why it had been better to keep myself separate from humans, for their safety as well as my own sake. Getting close to others had only ever led to pain, on both ends. But this kind, remarkable, absurdly persistent boy had battered down my walls, torn through my defenses, broken the seal on my heart. Against all my better instincts I had let him in, let him closer than I had ever let anyone else. And, as was inevitable, I had hurt him. Worse than I had ever hurt anyone else.

Sweat beaded on my brow as the profane blood coursing through my veins boiled within me. I needed to do something to quell its fury, to release some of this darkness tearing me apart from the inside. Coming to an abrupt decision, I began to unwrap the bandages on that vile limb that had hurt Hajime. I did so slowly, carefully, neatly rolling them up as I went, letting the familiar motions start to calm my mind.

When I was younger I used to do things like this much more instinctively. But as with everything else, I had learned the value of deliberation and control in this matter. Now I enshrined the urge in ritual, and it had become much more effective as a result. When my arm was bared, I took my time examining it, running a finger over some of the scars until I selected one. Then I went and fished a small, ornate box out of a drawer.

Inside was an object of elaborately carved rosewood ended in wickedly sharp Damascus steel. I removed it, along with the bottle of alcohol and a clean cloth, then prepared both the blade and my arm for the bloodletting. When all was ready, I turned the ritual knife around in my hand, letting my eyes follow the familiar intricacies of its patterns as I emptied my mind. Then I took a steadying breath and brought its edge to my skin at the scar I had chosen.

I stopped, cursing softly as something occurred to me. If I did this, I wouldn’t be able to let Hajime see me without my bandages for some time while the cut healed. And since he’d been wrapping them for me recently, he’d want to know why. Those keen skills in observation and deduction he was always displaying would pierce through whatever measly lie I could concoct and piece it together with my careless slip earlier today when I’d scratched at my arm in front of him.

I couldn’t do this then, not without him finding out and interrogating me about it. I had no desire to share with him that I engaged in this particular practice. He wouldn’t understand. Mortals’ reactions to this sort of ritual seemed to range from disgust to anger to worry, none of which I was interested in receiving.

Growling with frustration, I threw the knife back into its box and got up to pace back and forth. I had to do _something_. I had to excise some of this malevolence curdling my soul, overwhelming my every thought. What else could I do? I had apologized to Hajime. As much as I could, as much as I knew how. I couldn’t apologize for my words to Tsumiki or my attempt on Mioda’s life, now that they were both dead. That left Kuzuryu. But I hadn’t exactly done anything to endear myself to him in the past. Would he even speak to me? He certainly hadn’t seemed inclined to give me the benefit of the doubt during today’s trial.

I slowed my pacing and came to a stop in the middle of my cottage. He may not speak to me alone, but he had shown a fondness for Hajime. Perhaps if the boy were there… but I had hurt him so badly. And not merely physically. The horrible words I had said to him rose up in me like foul acid, burning at the back of my throat.

I needed him. I needed him so badly right now, and not just for this. But how could I ask for his help after all that I had done? How could I inflict myself on him again after seeing the fear in his eyes, the wounds I’d left in his very soul? I didn’t deserve his help. I didn’t deserve _him_. And if he had desired my presence, he would have sought it out himself. If I showed up at his door now he would probably turn me away, tell me to leave him alone. He had every reason to. I cursed myself for letting a human so deep into my heart that his presence had become a necessity. I couldn’t rely on others. That lesson had been imparted to me long ago.

But… _I’m still here_. His words echoed in my mind. Was he speaking only literally, saying merely that he was alive despite my contemptible assault? Or had he meant more than that? Had he meant that he would still be with me? Be here for me? I didn’t know, but perhaps it was worth attempting to find out. If he refused, I could return to my ritual as a last resort. And then I would avoid him for a time while the wound healed. It may even be prudent to return to my isolation indefinitely, so I would never have the opportunity to hurt him again.

Sighing out some of my distress with the decision now made, I grabbed my bandages and carefully wound them back around my arm. Then I cleaned the black tear stains off my face and touched up my mask before going to knock on Hajime’s door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, if self-harm is something you or someone you know struggles with, here’s [some information](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm) on the topic, and here’s a [crisis line.](https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1)
> 
> Tl;dr: Gundham and Hajime return to their cottages alone after the trial. Gundham is distraught over having hurt Hajime and considers engaging in ritual self-harm. He stops when he realizes it will be hard to hide from Hajime and tries to think of other ways to deal with his guilt instead. He decides to apologize for some things he said to Fuyuhiko while sick, and goes to Hajime for help.
> 
> Whew, sorry for making our first Gundham POV chapter such a heavy one. This poor boy has a heart full of feelings and no self-esteem. The next chapter will finally bring us back to some lighter stuff.
> 
> [That vile limb](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ec/a0/f7/eca0f762a3bcfc169a99c586a0eb5be9.jpg).
> 
> [Deliberation and control](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/9e/bc/e9/9ebce91a9d8efc76ed611013f7442b35.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/50500105))
> 
> [My mask](https://www.deviantart.com/mysterylake/art/Danganronpa-851498610).


	34. Lust Setsugekka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [It’s canon, okay](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/48/3b/b2/483bb26ada3fc15141310b9d4798fe61.png)?

It was still early in the evening when the trial ended and Nekomaru was returned to us with his new mechanical body. But we were all so exhausted from having to endure another one of those awful things that everyone just returned to their cottages separately. Even Gundham and I split up, seeming to decide independently that some space would be a good idea right now. I was sure we’d be able to sort everything out, but trying to talk more with our emotions running so high didn’t seem like the best idea.

A little while later though, I heard a knock on my door and was half-surprised to see that it was him. “Oh. Hey,” I said, a bit lamely.

“Hajime.” He was standing there, his black coat blending into the night, looking uncomfortable but determined. “I have little right to ask this, but may I have your assistance?”

“Yeah, of course. What do you need?” Even though I was still feeling much of the hurt and upset from earlier today, my desire to be there when he needed me hadn’t changed, and I hoped he felt the same. Judging by the way he’d been trying to guard me from Nagito every time the creep had tried to talk to me during the investigation, I guessed that he did.

He seemed relieved by my quick assent and straightened up as if my words had lifted a yoke from his shoulders. “It seems that you and Kuzuryu have an… understanding that I do not share in.”

“I think we’re friends, if that’s what you’re saying, yeah.”

He shifted from one foot to another, his heavy boots making a scuffing noise on the wooden planks under his feet. “I wish to extend my apologies to him for some of the things I said while cursed with that dread affliction. I fear that were I to go alone he would simply banish me from his doorstep. Or I would unwittingly say something to further raise his ire.”

I stroked my chin thoughtfully, wondering if Fuyuhiko would actually appreciate that or not. It probably wouldn’t do any harm, at least. “Okay. Let’s go to the supermarket first. We can buy our way in.”

* * *

My legs started to feel sluggish as we neared the store. I hadn’t been in there since the day Nagito had attacked me, and something about the place still filled me with dread. Noticing my discomfort, Gundham grabbed my hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “Do you wish to stay out here while I retrieve whatever it is that you are seeking?”

I gave the offer some thought but shook my head in the end. “It’s not as bad as last time. I’ll be okay.” Gundham nodded and led me into the building, continuing to hold my hand as I made my way through the aisles. When I found what I was looking for, we returned to the hotel.

As we stood before Fuyuhiko’s cottage he looked around nervously then, seeing no one else, slowly wrapped his arms around me. I could tell he was still trying to be careful with touching me, which was sweet. “Thank you, Hajime,” he whispered as I hugged him back.

“Of course.” I hadn’t realized that this was so important to him.

“I am sorry for laying my troubles at your feet after-”

“I know we have more to talk about with all that, but let’s do it later, okay?” I interrupted. I didn’t think Fuyuhiko’s doorstep was the right place for this conversation. But when I pulled away I gave him a reassuring smile. “And you don’t need to keep apologizing. I’m happy to help.”

“If you insist,” he muttered, turning away to surreptitiously wipe some tears from his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“Certainly!” His voice was showing some strain, but he drew himself up to his full height and crossed his arms haughtily. “It will take more than this surly imp to frighten The Supreme Overlord of Ice.”

Fear wasn’t the emotion I was worried about, but I let it go. It was a relief to see him at least trying to put on his normal act again after everything that had happened over the past couple of days. “Alright,” I said. “Ready?”

When he gave me a curt nod I turned and knocked on the door. Fuyuhiko opened it and glared out suspiciously. “Huh? What do you two want?”

I waved the bottle we had retrieved from Rocketpunch, smiling in a way I hoped was disarming. “Can we come in?”

“Uh, sure, I guess?” I handed him the bottle and motioned for Gundham to follow me inside. “What is this?” he asked, looking it over.

“Some sake I found at the store. It says it’s non-alcoholic but will still get you drunk.”

“How the fuck is that supposed to work?”

“Haven’t the faintest idea.”

“Why am I even surprised at weird shit like this on this island anymore? Anyway, why’d you come over here?”

I nudged Gundham with my elbow and he stepped forward, folding his arms and avoiding Fuyuhiko’s eye. “I do not wish for your opinion of me to be colored by my words to you while I was stricken with that foul disease. It was never my intent to turn my supernatural powers of observation to the task of delivering petty insults. Such behavior was below me.”

Fuyuhiko raised a disbelieving eyebrow, then looked over at me. “Did you drag him here for this?”

I waved my hands in denial. “Entirely his idea, I swear. I’m just here for moral support.” I hoped I wouldn’t also have to be a referee.

“Huh. Well… alright. I know you weren’t exactly yourself at the time. You ever say shit like that to me again though, you’ll be joining me in the eyepatch club.”

Gundham bristled, but I put a hand on his shoulder and he settled down. Despite his threat, Fuyuhiko’s tone was light, almost joking. It seemed like Gundham had been right to bring me along, or that clumsy attempt to even things out between them probably would have just started a fight.

“And I’m sorry for, uh, you know.” Fuyuhiko tapped at his jaw.

Gundham’s gaze fell to the floor as he rubbed at the bruise on his face. It was already starting to look a lot better. With Mikan gone, the mysterious speed of healing on this island was going to be even more of a blessing. “There is no need. I owe you a great debt for your actions in ensuring Hajime’s safety.”

“No need for that either, it’s not like I did it for you. Consider getting the chance to punch you in the face payment enough.” Fuyuhiko’s grin wasn’t diminished in the face of Gundham’s cold glare. “Anyway, did you apologize to everyone you talked to when you were like that?” he went on, glancing over at me.

“I fail to see how that is any of your concern.” Gundham’s voice had gone as icy as his eyes.

“Oh come on. You pissed me off, sure, but Hajime looked like you shot his fucking dog.”

“I would never harm a demon beast in such a fashion!” Gundham looked genuinely shocked at the accusation.

Fuyuhiko rolled his eye. “It was a metaphor, dumbass. Drop the fucking Dark Lord schtick already. How do you put up with this?” He directed that question at me.

I reached into Gundham’s scarf and pulled out one of the Devas. “Fuyuhiko,” I said, feigning seriousness and holding the hamster up next to Gundham’s face as if comparing the two for him. “Have you ever heard the term ‘gap moe?’”

Gundham blushed furiously and snatched the hamster away from me as Fuyuhiko threw back his head and laughed so hard tears started forming in his eye. “Okay,” he wiped it dry as his laughter subsided. “Fair enough. Peko was a little like that too, sometimes.”

A slightly awkward silence descended, but it seemed that my joke had succeeded in cutting the tension. Fuyuhiko coughed nervously and jiggled the bottle he was still holding at us. “You guys, uh, want to see if this works?”

I had never gotten drunk before, but if ever there was a time to try it out today seemed like it. “Yeah, that sounds fun. Gundham?”

“I am certain these feeble human intoxicants will have no effect on an Ascendant,” he muttered stiffly, still red in the face. “But we shall see.”

Fuyuhiko grabbed some small glasses and the three of us sat down on the floor together as he poured the strange sake into them. We clinked them together, Gundham taking care to avoid touching Fuyuhiko’s fingers.

“Bottoms up!” Fuyuhiko cried, downing his whole glass in one go and pouring another. Gundham and I just sipped at ours, but he didn’t seem to care.

“I don’t know if you want to talk about her at all,” I said as we settled in. “But there was something I was wondering about Peko.” Fuyuhiko looked away but nodded his assent. “I talked to her a bit, early on. She said animals were scared of her and she missed being able to pet them. I told her you might be able to help her out, Gundham. Did she ever come to you?”

He nodded. “It is true, that woman had a fearsome aura that even my Four Dark Devas of Destruction were wary of. But with some coaching, she was able to lay hands on them. Cham-P even acceded to being held.”

“Really?” That was news to Fuyuhiko. “She never told me… Did she, uh,” he gulped and scratched at his collar. “Did you see her smile?”

“Indeed. I recall finding it noteworthy.”

We were all quiet until Fuyuhiko cleared his throat. “I wish I could have seen that,” he said wistfully. “Thanks for helping her, Gundham. I’m glad she got to do that before…”

His unexpected gratitude set Gundham to fiddling with his scarf. “Of course. I would never turn away someone seeking a better understanding of how to interact amicably with demon beasts.”

Fuyuhiko blushed a little and looked like he was working up the courage to say something. He polished off his glass of sake and refilled everyone’s before adjusting his tie and finally speaking up. “I’ve always wanted- that is, I’ve never, uh… can I pet one of them?”

Gundham grinned as though he’d just won some kind of victory and pulled out Cham-P, who seemed to be the introductory hamster. “Certainly, if you are brave enough.”

He spent some time teaching Fuyuhiko how to befriend the Devas as we continued to drink. It was strange seeing this side of the Ultimate Yakuza, as he made an effort to be quiet and gentle with the hamsters. San-D bit him at one point, and I had to laugh at the way his eye twitched and a vein throbbed in his forehead as he tried to keep himself from shouting obscenities at the tiny thing.

The three of us talked and laughed together for a while after that. I had to play peacekeeper once or twice more, but overall it was an extremely pleasant time. It was a relief to do something fun after the horrible events of the last few days, and the non-alcoholic sake delivered on its promise. We got progressively more tipsy as the bottle emptied.

Despite his claim to the contrary, the effect on Gundham was particularly pronounced. His laughter had that genuine character to it that I loved hearing, and he kept forgetting to dress up his words with his typical occultism and obscure references. There was still enough there in the impressive-sounding stories he regaled us with that I had to guess at some of the real details and translate them for Fuyuhiko.

Not to be outdone, Fuyuhiko countered with his own stories about his family and clan. “You wouldn’t last ten fucking seconds in my world,” he laughed at our shocked expressions when he told us one of the more disturbing tales of his childhood. Apparently, during an especially bad argument, his mother had been throwing ornamental kunai at his father and one of them would have hit Fuyuhiko right in the throat if Peko hadn’t been there to catch it with her shinai.

“I’m perfectly happy never to try, thanks.” I tipped the last of the bottle into my glass, getting only a couple of sips worth of sake out of it. “We did it, boys,” I said, downing it and slamming the glass on the floor triumphantly.

“Yes. Well.” Gundham got unsteadily to his feet. “I shall take my leave. There are matters I have neglected that need tending.”

“What, need to take a piss?” Fuyuhiko grinned. Gundham just gave him a stony glare.

“I’ll stay here a while longer.” I smiled up at him. “Is it alright if I drop by later?”

He paused for a moment before nodding, with a hint of reluctance. Then he made for the door, walking carefully as he tried not to stagger.

“Don’t fall off the fucking pier!” Fuyuhiko shouted after him as the door closed. We listened together theatrically for a few moments but didn’t hear a splash. “I’m glad it wasn’t him,” he said once we were sure Gundham wouldn’t need rescue. “I mean, losing Mikan sucks too, but still. I’m sorry for going aggro on you two during the trial.”

“Don’t be, I get it. Like you said, all our lives are on the line during those things. I get why you were suspicious after everything that happened.”

“Speaking of which, did he actually apologize to you?”

I leaned back into the wall and sighed. “Yeah.”

“Was it good enough?”

“It’s not really about it being good enough. I’m not upset about him attacking me, I don’t blame him for getting sick. But the things he said when he was like that… not everything was exactly untrue. It was just stuff that was probably better left unsaid.”

Fuyuhiko nodded gloomily. “Yeah. It was like that with what he said to me, too. Do you, uh,” he shifted, fiddling with his tie. “Fuck, I’m not good at this. Do you want to talk about it or something?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” I recounted for him what Gundham had said to me in the hospital, and then our conversation just before starting the investigation.

“Fucking hell,” he said when I told him about asking Gundham if he loved me. “He just said _nothing_ to that?”

“Yep. And all the emotion drained out of his face like someone pulled a plug.” I dragged my hands down over my cheeks as if demonstrating. They were feeling a little numb from the ‘alcohol.’ “I don’t really blame him though. What do you even say to something like that in that situation? I was being kind of an asshole.”

“Still. That can’t have felt good.”

“No,” I agreed quietly, shaking my head. “It didn’t.”

“Are you two gonna be okay?”

“I think so. It’s just… it’s hard. Everything’s been so fucked up for everyone here, not just us. This isn’t exactly the ideal situation to start a relationship in.”

“More of a situation to lose a relationship in,” Fuyuhiko muttered, clearly thinking about Peko. He ran a hand over his short-cropped hair, groaning. “Fuck, this shit is making me depressed. Anyway, you ever need someone to knock some sense into that dumb bastard, you let me know. I’ll beat the crap out of him for you, just say the word.”

I laughed. That sounded more like the Ultimate Yakuza. “Thanks. But if I ever try to take you up on that offer, please just slap me instead.”

“Hey, Hajime?” Fuyuhiko’s voice was softer now. “I’ve never… this is gonna sound so pathetic. Ugh, fuck it. You’re the only person who has ever called me their friend. And like, meant it.”

“Really?” I figured this wasn’t the time to make a jab about his winning personality, so I suppressed the urge and fished for something else to say. “Well, you _are_ my friend,” I settled on. “And I seriously appreciate everything you’ve done for me these past few days.”

“Whatever you need, man. Any fucking time. I mean it.” He extended an arm and I clasped it as we exchanged brotherly nods. “You know, I actually kind of admire you,” he added as we broke our handshake.

That made me laugh. The idea that anyone could admire anything about me seemed so ridiculous. “Are you serious? I’m useless. I may not even have a talent.”

He shook his head firmly. “Even without one though, you’re one of the most reliable people here. You keep a cool head, and you’re always stopping people from being at each others’ fucking throats constantly. Everyone else is just looking after themselves, or,” he glanced at the door where Gundham had recently left, “one or two other people they care about. You’re always trying to look out for everyone. Even piece of shit killers like me.”

“I’m just trying my best not to totally lose it,” I sighed, running a hand through my own hair.

“Well, that already puts you ahead of just about everyone else. I definitely lost it once already. I’m not sure some of the idiots here ever _had_ it to begin with.” He was starting to sound maudlin.

“Well… thanks, then, I guess. And thanks for letting me be your friend.”

That made him loose a raucous laugh. “Are you fucking serious right now? How do you even come up with shit like that?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Hajime, you’re like a goddamn black hole. You decide you want to be someone’s friend, there’s no fucking escape. What do you even expect someone to say to something like that, anyway?”

“Huh. I guess I hadn’t thought about it. Gundham usually just hugs me.”

“I’m not fucking hugging you,” he said firmly.

“Fair enough.” I raised my hands in surrender, grinning. I hadn’t actually been fishing for one.

“Is that how you get into his pants then? Just keep saying shit like that until he does something to shut you up?”

I could feel myself turning a deep red. “Wh-What? No, we don’t… we never… I haven’t ‘gotten into his pants,’” I mumbled.

“Huh. So when you guys are sleeping together, you’re really _just_ sleeping together?”

I covered my face with my hands. I’d never had a conversation like this before. It was so embarrassing. If I wasn’t tipsy, I probably would have gotten up and fled into the night. “Basically, yeah,” I muttered into my palms.

“Aww. That’s kinda cute.”

I turned a glare on him, suppressing the urge to fire back a comment about his babyface. I didn’t want to get put on a hitlist if we ever got out of here. “How about you?” I asked, a bit caustically. “You ever…” I waggled my eyebrows suggestively and it was Fuyuhiko’s turn to go red. “Oh, so you can dish it out but you can’t take it?”

“Alright, alright, point taken,” he mumbled, fidgeting with this tie. “I mean it though,” he added after a moment. “You two are a good pair, you take care of each other. It’s sweet. I wish I could have taken care of Peko even half as much as she did me.”

“You know,” I said quietly. “I think she’d be proud of you if she saw how you’ve changed recently. I am, anyway.”

He was silent for a while, then he sniffed and wiped away the tears that had formed in his eye. “I really fucking miss her, man,” he whispered. “Goddamn.”

“I’m sorry. Am I talking about her too much?”

He shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. I don’t want to pretend she never existed, you know? I want to remember her. It’s just… it’s rough.”

“I can only imagine.” I’d never really experienced an important loss like that. Before Jabberwock, the only people I’d known who had died were older relatives I wasn’t very close to.

“And I guess Natsumi’s gone too if that asshole bear is telling the truth.”

I had almost completely forgotten about his sister. I didn’t have any siblings, so that was another realm I couldn’t really relate to. “You two were close?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “She was my rock. I was planning on relying on her when it was my time to take over the clan. She was a fucking dyed-in-the-wool yakuza boss, born for that shit. I would have been happy to hand the whole thing over to her, but she wouldn’t hear a word about it. She just wanted to be there for me. I never fucking got why I had all these people dedicating their whole lives just to helping me out.”

“That’s good though, right? Having a bunch of people who cared about you a lot?”

“I guess. I mean, it probably sounds like total bullshit to be whining about being born with so much power and money and crap. But it wasn’t me they cared about, not really. It was the Kuzuryu heir, who just happened to be me. It was a lot of fucking responsibility I never asked for, you know? And now the two people I needed most to be able to handle it all are gone.”

“Well, you’re not exactly alone.” I smiled at him through my tipsy haze. “I mean, I don’t think I can help you be a yakuza boss, but I’m happy to be here for you however I can.”

There was another long silence before he sighed and wiped his eye dry again. “Thanks. Now, get the fuck out of here before I say more embarrassing shit to you I’m gonna regret when I’m sober.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Peko wants those hamsters](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8f/e2/da/8fe2dabd29f7eec876161620721d48ae.jpg) ([Source](https://janestrider.tumblr.com/post/59154493693/the-animals-all-sense-the-ferocity-inside-me-and)). [And so does Fuyuhiko](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/13/a4/d4/13a4d40d7c9a2861213567883ca13073.jpg).
> 
> [Best bros](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/93/0d/dd/930ddd6a338e4e689cf6cfcb32a3eb7d.jpg).


	35. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  !
> 
> Tl;dr in endnotes for section in question.

I went back to my cottage to get ready for bed and sober up a bit, waiting until the evening Monokuma announcement played before going to knock on Gundham’s door. He let me in without a word, then stood there looking awkward.

“Hey,” I started. “I know you probably want some time alone after everything that happened today, but…” I rubbed the back of my head, trying to look apologetic. “My lock is still broken and, well, Nagito…”

Gundham’s face softened. “Oh. Of course.”

“I could go bother someone else if you don’t want me here. Sleep on their sofa or something.”

“That will not be necessary. You have my thanks for your consideration, but I…” He struggled for a moment with his next words, as if afraid admitting them would be a mistake. “I welcome your presence,” he mumbled eventually.

Relaxing, I sat down on the bed. Gundham had had to be a lot more open with me today than he was used to, and was obviously having a rough time with it. I didn’t begrudge his awkwardness over showing further vulnerability. “Do you want to talk about things, or just go to sleep?”

He took a seat next to me, carefully. “I feel that we should discuss matters. Hajime, I know you are upset with me. For good reason. But I do not know…” He didn’t have his scarf on and I could see his hands searching around for something else to fiddle with. He settled on twiddling his rings. “Are we still… that is, do you still wish to be… partnered?”

I looked up at him, shocked. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that we wouldn’t be. Had he been worrying about that all day? “Gundham-”

“I shall understand if you say no, of course,” he cut me off, already preparing for the worst. “And I shall still extend my protection to you against Komaeda if you wish for it. The spell of binding can be broken-”

“Gundham, I love you.” His fingers froze in their fiddling as my words stopped his hedging in its tracks. “That’s still just as true now as it was a few days ago. I told you, I don’t blame you for the things you did when you were sick.”

“But, this morning… I could not find the words you needed from me.”

“It’s okay,” I said quietly. I put an arm around him and, after a moment, he reciprocated. We sat in silence for a while, taking comfort in each others’ presence. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that,” I finally said. “I’m sorry. I know this is all new to you. I mean, I haven’t been in a relationship before either, but I know you haven’t had many people you’ve been close to at all and that probably makes this stuff a lot harder. I don’t expect your feelings to be as straightforward as mine.” I sighed as I remembered Mikan’s breakdown earlier today when we had finally cornered her into a confession. “I guess we saw some of the dark side of love at that trial, didn’t we?”

“It is not that I don’t…” He stopped himself again and I watched as emotions I couldn’t identify warred for control over his face. In the end he just wound up looking defeated. “I care for you, Hajime. Deeply. I hope you know that.”

“Of course I do.” I squeezed him tight. “You’ve done so much to show me that.”

“Then can that be enough for now?”

I nodded into his shoulder. “That’s enough. For now.”

“And Hajime…” He placed a hand on my head, lightly rustling my hair as I hugged him. “I know that even if you do not wish to blame me for attacking you, it may not be so easily forgotten. While I have not been the victim of such a grievous assault myself, I have worked with enough creatures who have to know that such things can instill the memory of fear deep in one’s bones. If there is anything I can do to help restore your comfort with me, do not hesitate to tell me.”

“Okay. I guess, maybe keep your hands off my neck for a while. If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.” He nodded and we hugged each other for a long moment as I braced myself for this next bit. Of all the things that had happened, why was this the one that felt the most painful? It had the least to do with him or our relationship. “Um, about the talent stuff…” I trailed off, not even sure what I was trying to ask.

“I am sorry, Hajime.” It sounded less like an apology than an attempt to console me. “I know this is important to you, but I truly do not know what I think. I believe either possibility, that you have a forgotten talent or that you do not, to be just as likely. I know it is not what you wish to hear, but I have no desire to be dishonest with you.”

“I appreciate you telling the truth.” My voice came out in a quiet rasp through the tightness in my throat. I didn’t blame him, and it had been about what I was expecting, but it did still hurt. I didn’t want to be normal. I so badly wanted to be-

“You are special Hajime,” Gundham said, as if reading my thoughts. “I told you I do not care if you have a talent that Hope’s Peak would recognize.” He took me by the chin with his bandaged fingers and turned my face towards his, where a smirk was playing on his lips. “The Supreme Overlord of Ice has already determined that you have great worth. Who are those mere mortals to disagree with my judgement? I would like to see them try to challenge me.”

I laughed and he wiped away a few tears for me, kissing me just under each eye before going on. “Whether they acknowledge nothing about you or call you the Ultimate Everything, it would make no difference. Your worth would be the same. My feelings for you would be the same. There is something extraordinary slumbering within you, Hajime Hinata. I am seeing more of it with each day that passes.”

It was nice to know he felt that way, but I couldn’t internalize that sentiment, no matter how much I wanted to. But for the first time in my life I felt like maybe someday I’d be able to, and maybe hearing more things like that from him would make it easier. I did feel his words draining some bitterness out of me that I didn’t even know had been lurking there.

I smiled through my tears and took his hand, intending to thank him. But when I did, I noticed something strange. I looked down at his arm, turning it over. Sure enough, the bandages were looser than I ever left them when I put them on. “Gundham, did you re-wrap these?” He stiffened at my question and I looked back up at him. His face looked panicky as if I’d just caught him out, and my stomach dropped right through the floor. “Oh no… I ran away again, didn’t I? Just like in the hospital. I got so wrapped up in my feelings I didn’t realize I needed to watch you.”

“I am not a child, Hajime!” He tugged his arm out of my grip, his soft demeanor evaporating into defensiveness. “I do not require your supervision.”

There were any number of reasons he might have had for rewrapping those bandages on his own, but his reaction had confirmed the suspicion I’d started developing this morning. I knew I needed to tread carefully here. People had a lot of different reasons for self-harm, and I had no idea what his were or his feelings around it. “But… you did hurt yourself?” I asked.

“Not that it is any of your concern,” he said testily. “But no.”

“You were thinking about doing it though?” He growled and looked away from me, which was enough of an answer. “And it’s something you do sometimes, right?” I pressed.

“I have told you it is none of your concern!” he snapped. “As long as I do not impede the ability of my corporeal form to function, what does it matter what it must endure?”

“So, you’re not going to kill yourself then?”

“Of course not! Such an act is too much a perversion of the natural order for me to even contemplate.”

I breathed out a deep sigh of relief. While Gundham was being evasive with me right now, I didn’t think he was being dishonest. “Okay. That’s good. Umm.” I gently took his arm again, cradling it as I weaved the fingers of one hand into his. “If you do feel like doing it again, can you talk to me first? I won’t stop you if it’s what you think you really need to do, but I’d like to see if there’s any way I could help instead.”

“Hmph. What a strange mortal you are, Hajime Hinata,” he muttered. “Your offer is a gallant one, but I have no desire to burden you in this fashion.”

“You’re not a burden, Gundham,” I whispered, hugging his arm to my chest. “I’ll be here for you if you need me. I _want_ to be.”

My words made him stiffen again, although I wasn’t sure why. But after a pause, he started to relax and it was his turn to heave a deep sigh. “Your persistence never ceases to amaze me. Very well. If you insist, I will consider your words.”

“Thank you.” I hugged him around the waist and he wrapped his arms around me in turn, resting his chin on my head. We sat there for another long while, letting that resolution slowly leech the tension out of us. Eventually, we lay down together and I took his hand in mine.

“Gundham,” I said quietly. There was one last thing we had to talk about, and I had a feeling that this one might be the hardest for him. “What you said when I was dragging Nagito out of your room… is that really something you’re afraid of me doing?”

He pulled his hand away and hugged his arms to his chest, avoiding my eyes. “I know you want nothing to do with that detestable fiend,” he muttered.

“That’s not the part I’m talking about.”

By the look that passed over his face, I could tell he’d been hoping I wouldn’t say that. “I… do not have anything else to say on the matter.”

“Okay. I do, though.” His features locked into a grimace. “Listen, I know you don’t like being touched. I knew that before we started our relationship. Of course I’d like to touch you more, as much as you’re comfortable with. But I’m not going to leave you if I can’t.”

His gaze remained averted, but he relaxed his arms a bit and his face softened. “I see.”

“And hey.” I smiled at him, my tone becoming light. “It seems like you’re really starting to like touching me.”

A small, sheepish grin crept onto his face as he finally turned his eyes to meet mine. “I have discovered a certain charm to this activity, it is true,” he admitted.

“Then we’ll just have to do more of that,” I said matter-of-factly.

His grin broadened and he put an arm around my waist, reaching up the back of my shirt. He brushed his fingertips gently over my skin before bringing his hand to rest on my upper back, then pulled me close enough to kiss. It was the first time we’d kissed since he’d gotten sick, and it felt so good to do it again. I wanted to keep at it all night, but he pulled away after only a brief time. When he did, his smiling face was full of more warmth and tender affection than I’d ever even seen him turn on his hamsters. “I suppose we must,” he said softly. Then he kissed me again and, for a while at least, nothing else in the world mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tl;dr for the bit mentioned above: Hajime asks Gundham if he self-harms, and his defensive reaction confirms it. Hajime is supportive and tells Gundham to let him know if there's anything he can do to help him deal with his feelings in other ways.
> 
> [The dark side of love](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4d/db/5c/4ddb5cbfa3fa2e6eb048b965f9e2e45c.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/72014159))
> 
> Haha, Ultimate Everything, what an outlandish idea, can you imagine? Anyway, here’s some [totally unrelated fanart](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/f5/50/bb/f550bbc951854150e1840bc4ec173a30.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/61841528))
> 
> [Maybe some day](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/af/b8/20/afb820e11444db63d7459fb1cbaee2e5.jpg)…
> 
> [Warmth and affection](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/15/62/1c/15621c0f87d1b3b808fed2d5b9c6ce92.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/66635168))


	36. Sweet Morning

For the first time ever, I woke up before Gundham. Laying there, watching the morning sun play on his sleeping face, felt so peaceful. I had never actually seen him asleep before, and his features looked so soft. So calm. For a moment, I was almost able to forget everything that had happened. After days of high-stress events and conflict, this felt like a fresh start.

Eventually, he shifted and his eyes fluttered open. When he saw me looking at him, he returned my smile with a sleepy one of his own. “Good morning, Gundham,” I whispered, brushing his hair out of those captivating grey eyes.

“You visited my dreams,” he said, sounding almost coy.

“Oh? Good ones, I hope.”

He just grinned and scooted forward to kiss me. From the hungry edge to it, I could guess what he’d been dreaming about. As if to confirm my suspicions, he pushed me onto my back and climbed on top of me, running his fingers through my extra messy morning hair. I grabbed his hips, moaning happily. I could get used to waking up like this.

Not stopping his kissing, Gundham pried my hands off of himself. He pulled them up above my head and I thought he was going to pin me, but he just dropped them there and moved his own hands back to my hair. Right. No touching.

Slowly, he dragged his fingers down the sides of my face and onto my collar, taking care to avoid my neck. He started undoing my buttons, kissing my collarbone as soon as he’d opened my shirt enough to allow it. As he scraped his teeth over it gently, my fingers twitched with the desire to grab at him. But I wanted to respect his implied wishes so I stuck them under the pillows to help me resist the urge.

When he finished undoing my shirt, he held onto the side of my head while his kiss worked its way up my neck. As he went to grab my side with his unbandaged hand, his fingernails skimmed over my hip bone and I squeaked. I wasn’t as absurdly ticklish as Gundham, but I _was_ human. He stopped and hummed thoughtfully right in my ear, then brushed his nails over the area more deliberately, making me gasp and squirm. I bit my lip as he firmly grabbed my now extra-sensitive side, holding me in place. Slowly, delicately, he traced along the bone with his thumbnail.

“Gundham!” I cried out in protest, kicking at the bed. Did he think that felt good, or was the absolute hypocrite tickling me on purpose?

When he lifted his head to look down at me, the wicked grin he was sporting confirmed his intent. “Yes, my pet?” There was an exaggerated syrupiness to his voice as he tousled my hair with his bandaged fingers.

An excited shiver ran down my spine and I breathed in sharply. I hadn’t liked being referred to that way when he was taunting me under the influence of his Cruelty Disease, but in this context… it felt good. _Really_ good. I’d never had such a physical reaction to a word before. “Wh-”

_*Ding Dong, Bing Bong*_

“Ughhh,” I groaned as Gundham sat up. Flailing around with one arm, I grabbed a pillow and threw it petulantly at the monitor as the morning announcement went on. “Just shut up!”

“We should prepare to meet with the others.”

“Fuck the others,” I declared, grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him roughly back down. I wasn’t ready to stop kissing him yet. And there was something else too, now. “Call me that again.”

“You’re as rude as you are lewd!” Gundham and I both jumped, sitting bolt upright at the sound of Monokuma’s voice coming from the foot of the bed. I instinctively hurled another pillow at the bear before tugging my shirt closed and hugging my arms to my chest. “Hey!” he shouted, hopping out of the way of my sloppily thrown projectile. “Assaulting the headmaster is against the rules! If your aim wasn’t so bad I’d have had to punish you. You really wanna get executed for something so stupid?”

I glared at him, suppressing an instinctive urge to apologize. I didn’t owe any apologies to this horrible thing. “Anyway,” he went on, seeming to immediately forget my transgression. “You know I can see everything you two do? Maybe think about that next time before you start pawing at each other like bonobos.” I didn’t recognize that word, but it made Gundham turn red in a flash. “Unless,” he went on, huffing in that sickening way he did when he was making bad innuendos, “that’s part of the fun for you guys.”

“Why are you here? What the hell do you want?” I demanded, my face flushing too now.

“Just to tell you you really don’t wanna skip breakfast this morning. You’ve got a new island to explore, new secrets to hunt down, adventure around every corner! Don’t let your friends have all the fun while you lay around here all day putting on a show for little old me. Puhuhu!” And with that, he disappeared.

We both stared at the spot where he had been for a moment before turning back to each other. “Umm,” I gulped. “Gundham… what’s a bonobo?”

I had never seen him look so uncomfortable. He opened his mouth to respond, then grimaced and had to cover his brick-red face with his hands before he could speak. “It is a species of primate commonly known for engaging in frequent sexual behavior.” His voice was a high-pitched and nearly inaudible whine.

“Oh.” I collapsed back onto the bed as Gundham, groaning with embarrassment and still hiding his face, got off of me. Grabbing one of the remaining pillows, I pressed it to my face and screamed into it in frustration. All of the peace and happiness from this sweet morning had been sucked away in an instant by Monokuma’s sudden arrival, like air into the vacuum of space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update and the next few are gonna be on the shorter side, sorry if things feel like they're moving slowly for a bit because of that!
> 
> [Sleepy boy](https://64.media.tumblr.com/e2402bf631158a453d1d7e2273703fd3/tumblr_op2y23e1VN1tkcba2o4_500.png). ([Source](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/160055267556/izurudam-with-izunata-and-regular-hajime))
> 
> [Gundham this morning](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/43/40/92/434092da65236b0fc5f5aa6026555f35.jpg).


	37. Obviously

I barely slept at all that night, and for once it wasn’t because I was thinking about Miss Sonia. I couldn’t get Nekomaru’s new mechanical body out of my head. It was a thing of pure beauty, the most incredible machine I’d ever laid eyes on. Even with everything else I’d seen since getting here, I couldn’t believe technology had advanced so much during the time we’d had stolen from our memories. Had I known how to make stuff like that before? I hadn’t cared too much about recovering those lost memories before, but that idea made me want them back really, really badly.

My fingers kept twitching as I thought about it, unconsciously practicing the motions they would take to start pulling him apart if he decided to let me get a look at his insides. The turn of a wrench here, the twist of a screw there, and then the careful lifting of a panel… I shuddered just thinking about what I might find underneath. He was still saying no, for now, but if I kept at it he might just let me eventually. It’s not like I would do any permanent damage, probably. I was a pro at putting things back together these days. Hell, half the reason I’d become such a good mechanic in the first place was because I’d had to learn how to reassemble things quickly before my dad found out I’d dismantled them and beat the shit out of me.

I was following Nekomaru around now as we went to explore the new island, barely able to pay attention to anything other than trying to figure out how he worked as well as I could without prying him open. Miss Sonia was avoiding me, as usual, but for once I didn’t care. She disappeared in the opposite direction while I followed the robot on his way to take a look at the giant castle.

“So, uh,” I started awkwardly. “Do you know where all the soda your eyes dispense is stored?” It was a ridiculous function, but he seemed eager to talk about it. I was thinking I might be able to segue that into getting some info on something more interesting.

“No clue!” Even as a robot he had a booming voice, but it had a weird tinniness to it now. “It doesn’t hold very much though, I think I used it all up showing you guys this morning.”

“So you don’t feel, like, lighter anywhere now it’s empty?”

“Not that I can tell. I’m still getting used to it all.”

“But you _can_ feel things, right?”

He rubbed the back of his head just like he used to as a human and I winced as it made an unpleasant metal-on-metal screech that made me long to oil something. “Yeah. Not as much, I think, but yeah.”

“Hey, guys.” Hajime interrupted us with a cheerful wave as he strolled over. As usual, Gundham was walking along next to him like someone had tied their shoelaces together. You couldn’t pry those two apart with a crowbar these days. Seeing them weirded me out. They’d shown up to breakfast together, ridiculously late, and had been grinning at each other all morning. I didn’t like to think about what they must have been getting up to to make them so pleased.

Their whole relationship didn’t make any damn sense. Miss Sonia had been practically throwing herself at Gundham the whole time we’d been here. I was glad he wasn’t into her because that meant he wasn’t in my way, but what the hell? Turning down a beautiful princess like Miss Sonia? I knew he was crazy, but I didn’t think anyone could be _that_ crazy. And for someone like Hajime? I mean, he wasn’t ugly or anything but he was so… average. He really wasn’t my type. Not that I had a type when it came to guys, obviously. Obviously. But Gundham was way too hot for him.

That was the other thing. Two guys together? Thinking about it made me feel… uncomfortable. I didn’t like being reminded that it was a thing people did. But these two made it impossible not to think about it. Because of the whole Despair Disease thing, it had been easy to avoid them since I’d found out about it, but now I was gonna have to find other excuses to stay away from them. And anyway, I had another reason for wanting to keep out of Hajime’s way now. Nagito had made a pretty convincing case for him being the traitor, and even if he wasn’t it was better to be safe. I didn’t want to let something slip around him that he could use against me.

They chatted with Nekomaru a bit then went over to examine the castle door. Hajime said something I couldn’t hear and gave Gundham a suggestive-looking grin that made him blush and pull his scarf up over his face as he glanced around nervously. That was such a weird habit, it completely ruined the whole sexy dark prince vibe he had going. Not that _I_ thought it was sexy, because I wasn’t into guys, obviously. Obviously. But girls like Miss Sonia did.

Yeah, Miss Sonia. She was really pretty. I should think about her instead of those two weirdos. And I did, a lot. It was just that this whole robot thing had me totally distracted. I should go find her. I looked around to see that Nekomaru had snuck off while I was pretending to examine the arch with cartoon mice all over it. Why was everyone always avoiding me? It’s not like I was some creep like Nagito.

Hajime was leaning against the castle door, and he gave me another wave as my eyes skated over him. I turned on my heel and started to hurry off. I didn’t want to be alone here with someone who was probably the traitor and his scary - and completely insufferable - boyfriend. When I was almost out of sight I snuck a glance back. I couldn’t see Hajime anymore because Gundham was in the way, standing right in front of him with his arm on the wall. Were they making out? Jeeze, they really could be more subtle.

I turned again and rushed off, trying not to think about it. I’d kissed a girl like that before, and I’d love to do it again with Miss Sonia. But imagining a guy doing it to me was… weird. Like, a tall, strong guy, just pressing me into a wall with his muscular body. And maybe, like, firmly grabbing the back of my neck and biting my lip a little while he tugged my jumpsuit zipper down just enough to get his big hand on my chest. If things got really hot and heavy, would we be able to feel each others’-

“Hey, jackass.”

I jumped and yelped as Fuyuhiko’s voice interrupted my, uh… definitely not a daydream or a fantasy or anything like that. There was probably a better word for it I just couldn’t think of right now. But anyway. I never liked running into the crazy little yakuza. After Nagito, he was the scariest motherfucker on the island. Just because he was trying to play nice now didn’t mean I was gonna forget all the shit he’d said and done early on. “What’s up?” I asked warily.

“You should head to the rollercoaster. Everyone’s gathering over there for some bullshit Monokuma wants to show us.”

“Oh, so Miss Sonia’s there?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, your mark is there. You seriously need to learn to lay off, man.”

“I’m not taking advice from a murderer!” I scowled at him. “We ever get out of here, you know you’re going to jail forever, right?”

“Not if the world’s actually ended.” He waved his hand dismissively, seeming unconcerned at the prospect. “Anyway, you seen the lovebirds around?”

“They’re back at the castle,” I said, sticking my hands in my pockets and going a bit red with embarrassment. “You, uh… may want to give them a minute.”

He laughed and shook his head, grinning cheerfully. “Those two really can’t keep their hands off each other, can they? Honestly, I’m glad they’re back at it after all the shit that went down.”

“It’s gross,” I muttered. “Two guys shouldn’t-”

“Oh shut up.” He looked at me with something like disgust before turning away and walking off. “Don’t be a fucking bigot.”

“Better than a killer!” I shouted after him. He just flipped me off without looking back. “Whatever,” I mumbled. Well, at least I knew where Miss Sonia was now. I could see the rollercoaster a little ways off, so I started making my way over there. No way in hell I was setting foot on that thing, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why I was suddenly gripped with the urge to write a chapter from Kazuichi's perspective, but here ya go. This guy has all the self-awareness of a brick.
> 
> [Kazuichi’s just having a bit of bi panic over here in the dusty closets of his brain, don’t worry about it](https://lordofdorknessgundam.tumblr.com/post/134660730729/i-cant-stop-thinking-about-this).
> 
> [Definitely not a daydream](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/92/11/86/921186c5c92541b975f837228298c1f0.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/47981840))


	38. A Mysterious Visitor

After Monokuma’s obnoxious intrusion this morning, our day was only fated to get worse as we plunged headlong into his trap on the fourth island. Waking up in Strawberry House seemed like another nightmare. It felt so unfair to have had less than a day to have things back to normal - as normal as they ever got on Jabberwock, anyway - before being dropped into an even more bizarre situation than the last.

When Chiaki started to suggest we split up into groups to search the Funhouse, Sonia quietly got Gundham’s and my attention and the three of us snuck off together before Kazuichi noticed. We heard him saying he wanted to be paired with her just as we were disappearing out of sight down the stairs. We hurried into the lounge area before stopping long enough for me and Sonia to burst out laughing. Even Gundham had a genuinely cheerful grin on his face. Silly as it was, it was a relief to do something that felt so normal. It was a reminder that even trapped in this bizarre building we were still us. And we still had each other.

“It seems I must thank the both of you for coming to my rescue once more,” Sonia said when our laughter subsided.

“He just will not give up.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I even tried talking to him about it, I thought he would back off at least a bit after that.”

“That fiend is more persistent than ‘his’ agents who constantly dog my heels,” Gundham agreed.

“How are the Devas?” I asked. “The sleeping gas didn’t hurt them, did it?”

“Fuhahahaha! It would take far more than the mists of Hypnos to do any damage to my minions.” As he spoke, he held his arms out to his sides, palms up and elbows bent. At the gesture, all four hamsters jumped out of his scarf and spread out, one settling on each shoulder and upturned palm. I chuckled and Sonia practically squealed in delight. Would I ever find out how the hell he managed to do things like that?

“Right. Well. I guess we should start looking around then.” We began making a careful examination of the lounge. Gundham sent San-D, who seemed capable of the most complicated stunts out of all the Devas, to explore some things up on the walls we couldn’t reach. He said she didn’t find anything noteworthy, although how she’d communicated that to him I couldn’t even begin to guess.

Once we were finished, we decided to leave the bedrooms to the groups already exploring them and go straight downstairs. As we were leaving though, I felt a sudden urge to turn back around and look at the painting on the wall. Izuru Kamukura… that name tickled something at the back of my brain. I took a few steps towards it to get a closer look.

“Hajime? Is something the matter?” Sonia asked as the two of them came back to see what I was doing.

An ache started spreading out behind my eyes and I rubbed at my forehead. “What?” I mumbled. “I know… I know that name…? Why?” I groaned and sank to my knees as the ache worsened. “Who is… who am…”

“Hajime?” Gundham knelt before me and held me steady by the shoulders as he tried to get a good look at my face. I groaned again in confusion and pain. “Hajime!”

A sudden powerful ennui swept through me as if nothing in the world could possibly hold my interest ever again. The ache in my head was still just as bad, but I let the pained expression drain from my face as I stared at the floor and dropped my hands to my knees. “Why are you calling me that, Tanaka?” came an impassive monotone. “That’s not who I am anymore.” It took a moment for me to realize that it was my voice, and those words had come from my mouth. I didn’t remember thinking them.

“What are you saying?” Gundham shook my shoulders then looked up at Sonia, panic filling his voice. “What is happening to him?!”

“How boring. Despite your myriad delusions, I thought you were one of the smarter ones. But it seems you’re just as much of a fool as the rest.” At my words, Gundham released me and his arms fell to his sides. Were they my words? If not, whose were they? And why were they coming out of me?

“I know you had some peculiar interest in him from your school days, but I should not have to tell you that he has nothing to do with me now. Consider him dead.” Sonia gasped as more cold words seeped out of me, freezing her and Gundham in place. “Ask your Dark Queen to explain it to you again, and stop wasting my time. It’s far more valuable than your life.”

It felt like some force, some presence other than myself was moving my body when I stood and looked around. “What is this ridiculous place? It looks like something Junko would have come up with.” I walked over to the wall with its strange moving patterns and ran a hand over it. The piece of myself that was still me, walled off somewhere in my mind, stunned nearly senseless while some other entity moved my limbs, noticed that it was strangely smooth. 

“Hajime…” Sonia’s concerned voice was accompanied by a hand on my shoulder. I moved so fast I couldn’t even process what my body was doing. One moment we were standing there, and the next Sonia was on the ground, the sudden force of her impact turning her cry of surprise into a grunt of pain. I paused halfway to bringing a sneaker to her throat and looked down at myself. “What is this? Why am I dressed like a schoolchild?”

I looked Sonia up and down, slowly putting my foot back on the floor as I took in her wide-eyed expression. Then I turned to see Gundham, still kneeling and staring at me in shock and horror. Or was it terror? Cocking my head, I walked over to him. He seemed paralyzed and put up no resistance as my hand reached out to grab his chin and move his face back and forth slowly.

“Ah. Of course.” I let him go and stepped back, a tiny amount of emotion creeping into my voice for the first time since that ennui overtook me. “Now _that_ is actually interesting. I’m not supposed to be here.” I sagged suddenly and collapsed like a corpse cut from a gibbet. The last thing I was aware of before losing consciousness was Gundham bursting into motion to catch me before I hit the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Devas are fine](https://preview.redd.it/pw7b7semucm21.jpg?width=1024&auto=webp&s=eb34012155d8c3e1312a8fdbae9c6752ed4e3bd5).
> 
> [I know that name](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/e9/07/3f/e9073fe481ba7debcf34955fa2dafa1c.jpg)… ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/65502251))


	39. Not Hajime

I awoke lying on the floor with Gundham and Fuyuhiko kneeling on either side of me and several more of my classmates hovering around. My head was still pounding, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been when I passed out. I sat up, gingerly, pleased to find myself in control of my own body again. “What the hell? How long was I out?”

“Just a few minutes.” Fuyuhiko put a hand on my shoulder and leaned in to examine my face. “I didn’t see it, but these two said you were doing some weird shit.”

“You sounded like another person,” Sonia added. “And you said you were not Hajime.”

“Yeah, I remember. I don’t know why I said that.” I rubbed at my forehead, then stopped as another memory hit me. “Oh god, Sonia, I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you?”

She gave me a somewhat strained smile. “I am fine. You didn’t injure me at all, I was merely surprised.”

“Okay, that’s good.” I sighed in relief. “I really am sorry. I don’t even know how I did that.”

“Damn right it’s good!” Akane growled, slamming a fist into her palm. “If you’d hurt her, I’d have had to give you a solid punching.”

“Akane, please do not threaten him!” Sonia cried. “I do not believe this was Hajime’s fault.”

“I think something strange is going on,” Chiaki agreed, sounding as calm as ever.

“Maybe you really are the traitor, and you don’t even know it!” Kazuichi’s frightened voice came from behind me. “There’s a lot of stuff you don’t remember, right?”

“This is not the fucking time, jackass!” Fuyuhiko shouted at him. “Get the fuck out of here if you’re just gonna say shit like that.”

As the others bickered around me I looked over at Gundham, who was pale as a ghost. When my eyes met his wide, panicky ones, he suddenly burst forward and engulfed me in a tight hug, knocking Fuyuhiko’s tiny arm aside. I grunted as the impact sent a jolt of pain through my head.

“Hey, watch it!” Fuyuhiko cried, rubbing at his elbow and glaring. The anger quickly faded from his features as he took in Gundham’s distress. Noticing my grimace, he turned his attention back to me. “Are you okay, Hajime?”

“Yeah, I think so. Gundham, please,” I added, pushing at his arms as I realized he was hugging me so tight it was making my voice sound strangled. He loosened his hold but didn’t let me go, and I could feel him trembling as he buried his face in my neck. “I’m sorry, I really don’t know what happened. I just read that name and my head started hurting. I don’t know why I did any of that.”

“Izuru Kamukura,” Fuyuhiko muttered, squinting up at the painting. Then he winced. “Oh, shit, saying that isn’t gonna fuck you up again, is it?”

I braced myself for a moment, but nothing happened. “Seems like I’m fine now.”

“Why would you not be Hajime anymore?” Gundham whispered desperately. I didn’t have an answer for him, so I just reached up to stroke his hair as comfortingly as I could. I was mostly just perplexed by the whole ordeal, but I understood why seeing me like that had upset him so much. And having the whole group here to witness his breakdown probably wasn’t helping.

“I think I’m okay now,” I addressed everyone else. “I’ll stay here until my head feels a bit better, but you should all go back to exploring.”

“I will not be sent away!” Gundham’s voice was quiet but fierce.

“Everyone but you,” I chuckled, patting him on the back.

“Are you sure?” Fuyuhiko asked.

“Yeah. Go on.” The rest of the group dispersed, whispering amongst themselves and glancing back to where Gundham and I still held each other on the floor.

“Hey,” I said very gently when they were all gone. “Can you let me go now?” He released me, and when he sat back I saw black tears on his face. He wiped them away with his sleeve, then noticed he had left some on my neck and wiped that off too.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t worry about it.” I went to sit against the wall and he joined me when I patted the floor by my side. “That scared you a lot,” I observed.

He clutched at my hand and nodded. “I can protect you from physical dangers, and even eldritch ones. But I feared… what if you have been struck with Tsumiki’s affliction? Hajime, is that who you were before your memories were taken?” His voice was getting shaky and I saw tears streaking down his face again. “Who you will be again when they are recovered?”

The idea sent a chill through me, but I tried not to show it. “Well, whoever it was said they weren’t, right? They said they weren’t Hajime.”

“‘Anymore,’” Gundham quoted quietly.

I felt a deep sense of unease seeping into every nook and cranny of my brain, but I pushed it back and shook my head firmly. “I don’t see how anything that could have happened at Hope’s Peak would make me into someone like that. And look, it wasn’t like I suddenly remembered anything. It was more like… like someone else was deciding what I should do and I was just acting it out like a puppet.”

“That is not what the Despair Disease was like,” Gundham confirmed, wiping away his tears again and sighing out some of his worry. “Not for me, at least. I still felt like myself, merely a version of myself that delighted in others’ pain.” His voice had become bitter, and he started rubbing at his throat absent-mindedly.

“Hey, that’s over now.” He let me pull his hand away and weave my fingers into his to give them a reassuring squeeze. “The Despair Disease is gone. And I’m fine, okay?”

He nodded and squeezed back, but still looked awkward while he worked out his next words. “Then… during her trial, Tsumiki said you require some sort of medication,” he managed, fiddling nervously with his scarf.

My body went stiff with panic. I had completely forgotten she’d mentioned that, and I hadn’t realized that Gundham, in the near-catatonic state he’d been in at the time, had even picked up on it. I really didn’t want to talk to him about being trans, not right now. Not with everything going on. “Oh. That’s got nothing to do with this,” I said hurriedly.

I couldn’t read his expression as he looked me over, seeming to notice my defensiveness. “But it is something you do not wish to tell me of?”

“Yeah. Sorry. It’s just kind of personal. There’s just a, um, physical problem I have. It’s nothing that would cause anything like this.”

“I see. If we are truly trapped here as the bear has indicated, will you be alright going without your remedy for a time?”

“Yeah. I only have to take it every couple of weeks, and it’s not like I’ll die if I miss a dose or anything. It’ll just be unpleasant.”

“That is good, then. But if that was also not the cause, whatever happened to you remains shrouded in mystery. The only remaining explanation I can muster is possession by some entity beyond our ken.”

“Maybe.” It suddenly struck me as odd how unfazed I was feeling by the incident. Shouldn’t I be more afraid? Shouldn’t I be concerned this might happen again? But it hadn’t felt like a terrifying foreign intrusion into my mind. In fact, it had felt strangely… comforting. Safe. Like returning home after a long absence to see everything exactly how you left it. _That_ thought scared me. “I’ll make sure to tell you if I feel anything else strange, alright?”

Gundham put an arm around my shoulders and started drawing his fingers through my hair, gently massaging my scalp. “That would be best. I shall extend some of my wards to you as well, to protect you against what influences I can. It is a precaution I should have taken sooner.”

“Thank you.” I still didn’t buy into any of that stuff, but if it made him feel better I was happy to play along. I leaned into him and closed my eyes, trying to let his soothing touch relax me and fight off my headache. But after only a few minutes I heard the sound of a door opening and Gundham stiffened, holding me closer to him protectively.

I opened my eyes again to see Nagito leaving one of the rooms at the end of the hall. “Hajime! You’re awake,” he said cheerfully. “I’m so glad.”

When he began walking towards us, Gundham leapt to his feet, but I grabbed at his coat before he could start to advance. “Nagito,” I sighed, my exhaustion suddenly catching up to me. “For once, can you just fuck off?”

“Anything for you, Hajime. You only have to ask.” Giving us a friendly wave, he walked past the lounge and out of sight.

“That fiend should not be allowed to roam free!” Gundham growled as I let him go.

“There isn’t much we can do about it right now. I haven’t seen anything we could use to tie him up again.”

“I will have to give the matter some consideration.” He put an absent-minded hand on my head as he glared at the spot where Nagito had disappeared.

I let him thoughtfully tousle my hair for a bit before getting to my feet. “I’m feeling a lot better now. Come on, let’s go meet up with the others.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was a day late in posting this one, sorry about that! Updates may start coming every three days instead of two, we'll see how the next few chapters go. I've got all the Funhouse stuff written out already, but most of it needs serious editing because of big changes I made to the Despair Disease chapters as I was posting them.
> 
> [Gundham ain’t going nowhere](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/8a/99/878a992534eab291bfcdd38e1448952f.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/56326469))
> 
> [Like a puppet](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/dc/b6/47/dcb647dc3632cb613d8d58a3d14567db.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/47071080))


	40. Cherished

Usually, Gundham didn’t like to touch me with other people around, but he held onto my hand the entire time we were exploring the rest of the Funhouse. It almost seemed like he was afraid he’d lose track of me and I’d vanish if he let go. We got a few weird looks, but no one commented and he didn’t seem in the mood to care what anyone else thought.

After exploring Grape House and returning to Strawberry Tower to confirm our suspicions about the relationship between the two buildings, we were all exhausted and it was time to figure out who slept where. We decided the guys would stay in Strawberry House, then had a heated game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who got which room. I was thoroughly trounced.

“I guess you’ll have to sleep in the lounge, Hajime,” Nagito said with a creepy grin plastered on his face. He didn’t seem like such a larger-than-life threat after everything that had happened over the last few days, but I still wasn’t keen on leaving myself that vulnerable with him around.

Gundham and I both opened our mouths to speak, but Sonia beat us to it. “Hajime can have one of the extra rooms in Grape House.”

“Oh. Thank you.” I had been about to say I would stay with Gundham, but having my own assigned room was probably a good idea too. Being grouped with the girls brought some instinctive unpleasant feelings floating up from my past, but I knew no one meant anything by it so I shoved them back down. Kazuichi whined for a bit about me being too dangerous to leave alone with them, but everyone else stood up for me, which I was grateful for.

“I want to stay and talk to Gundham for a bit, I’ll head back over there on my own later.” I waved goodbye to the three heading to Grape House as they got in the elevator and the rest of us went back up the stairs to Strawberry House’s dorm. Gundham, who still hadn’t let go of my hand even while playing the game, led me over to the deluxe room he’d managed to win.

“Ugh,” came Kazuichi’s voice from down the hallway as Gundham was opening the door. “Can you guys at least try to be less obvious about it? No one wants to be reminded about what you two are getting up to constantly.”

“Don’t worry, Kazuichi.” I gave him a saccharine smile. “According to Monokuma, these rooms are very well sound-proofed.”

“I don’t want to know about that!” he shouted, appalled. I just laughed, staggering as Gundham pulled me into the room.

“Why did you say such a thing to him?” he demanded after shutting the door with a bit more force than was strictly necessary. “Now he will think-”

“Who cares what he thinks? Maybe it was stupid, but I just wanted to piss him off. He’s been so annoying today. Sorry.” As Gundham rubbed his brow and sighed, I put my hands on his chest. “Well… maybe we can take advantage of that soundproofing, anyway.”

He blushed and tugged his scarf up over his face. “Did you actually wish to discuss something? Or was that merely an excuse?”

In answer, I hooked a finger into the scarf and pulled it back down enough to give him a firm kiss. When we separated, I sighed in relief. “I’ve been wanting to do that for ages. We never should have left your cottage this morning. We should have stayed in bed all damn day just being happy together.”

“It was not fated to be.” He smiled a bit sadly and brushed my cheek with his unbandaged fingers. “Nevertheless, is there anything preventing us from finding a measure of happiness in this moment?”

I smiled too, shaking my head. “I think I could probably find some happiness anywhere as long as you were there.” That blush flooded his face again and his eyes started roving frantically around in that way they did when he had no idea how to respond to something. I was sorely tempted to see what he would do to shut me up if I started calling him adorable, but I decided to give him a break and changed the topic instead. “What are you going to do with the Devas?” I pulled open the scarf and peered inside at the little balls of fur napping in there.

He broke away and looked around the room more thoughtfully. There wasn’t anywhere obvious to put them. “They will have to be content to roam freely during our stay here.”

“Is that safe?”

“Kehehe.” He grinned and the Devas popped out onto his shoulders as he struck a pose, only Jum-P showing any signs that he’d just been asleep. “Do not fear, my servants shall do you no harm. They know you are their master’s cherished companion.”

“Cherished, huh?” My smile widened upon hearing that. He looked embarrassed, so I laughed and tousled his hair. “I like that. A lot. But anyway, you know that’s not what I meant.”

He removed his coat and spread it out with his scarf on an old fashioned lounge chair by the bed, then encouraged the hamsters to settle in among the familiar folds of cloth. “If you must move about the room in the dark, do so with care. But my Devas are clever and resilient. They will not be easily harmed.”

While Gundham saw to the hamsters, I stripped down to my boxers. He gave me a sideways glance when I started taking my pants off. “Monokuma didn’t think to drop off my pajamas when he kidnapped us,” I explained. “I’m not sleeping in these. You’ll have to deal with being scandalized by the sight of my bare knees.” He just grunted and looked away, so I finished getting undressed and crawled under the covers. The bed was decadently soft and warm.

“You could take yours off too,” I suggested, giving him an impish grin.

He turned red again. “That is not an option,” he mumbled.

“Oh yeah.” My eyes narrowed thoughtfully as I remembered. “What was it you said about your underpants?”

He glared at me and crossed his arms. “They cannot be perceived by those of a low astral level!”

“Right. And what does that _actually_ mean?”

“It means what it means,” he said brusquely.

“So, you don’t actually wear any, then?”

“That is not what I said!”

“You know I’ll find out eventually,” I pointed out. “Why not just tell me? I’m not trying to make fun of you, I’m just curious.”

“Cease your foolish inquiries, mortal! Your mind is not equipped to handle such truths.”

My grin broadened. “Make me.”

Gundham’s eyes went wide and he made a strange, high-pitched whining sound like steam escaping from a kettle. “What do you… you can’t- I-” He moved haltingly towards the bed, staring at me as if mesmerized. Then he pounced. Tackling me onto my back, he kissed me fiercely and seized one of my hands, slamming it into the bed. When he ran his other hand through my hair, he roughly grabbed it in a fist and pulled my head back. I squealed in surprise and he froze. After a moment, he let me go and pulled away. “Sorry,” he mumbled, breathing hard as he ran nervous fingers through his own hair. “I don’t know… sorry.”

“It’s alright.” My voice was breathless as he got off of me and lay down, covering his face with his hands. “I didn’t _dislike_ that.” Apart from the hair-pulling, it had all been pretty much what I was expecting him to do. Inviting him to do, even.

“Nevertheless,” he muttered into his palms. “I should not do such things. Not without… not after…”

Ah. He still wanted to be careful with me. “The hospital?” I finished for him.

He gave a small nod and his hands fell away. When he turned to meet my eyes I saw that his were full of concern and shame. “I do not wish to harm you again, Hajime. Not in any fashion. Not ever.”

“Well, thank you. You were probably being smarter about this than I was.” I reached out to tuck some of his hair behind his ear, smiling reassuringly at him. “I actually like it when you do stuff like that, though. I mean, not-” I gestured at my neck, “not that, obviously.” He dropped his gaze away from mine again. “But when you grab me like that, kiss me like that. It makes me feel… wanted, I guess.”

“Nevertheless,” he muttered again. “You know that humans are in many ways a mystery to me. I do not have a clear idea of what behavior one of your kind would find acceptable in this context.”

“Well,” I chuckled. “Even among us humans, I think it’s different for everyone. So, I guess the best thing to do is to talk about things. As we go. There’ll probably be a lot to figure out for both of us.”

His cheeks turned pink at the suggestion, but he nodded. “I believe this course of action to be wise as well. Then, this…” he reached out and ran his fingers into my hair.

“Maybe be a bit gentler about it, but yeah. That was fine.”

He gripped my hair, more gently as requested, and drew me into a kiss. “Yeah,” I smiled when he was done. “Definitely fine.”

Grinning, he pushed me onto my back once more and followed on top of me. After a long kiss, he tugged at my hair, pulling my head to the side to speak softly into my ear. “This morning, you said you wished for me to call you my pet again.”

“Oh!” I squeaked, blushing. “Um, yeah. I liked that.”

“Are you certain? I do not wish to diminish you, make you feel lesser.”

“No, it’s fine. It was sweet.”

“Then I am glad to be able to express my fondness for you in this manner.” He nuzzled my cheek affectionately and stroked my head. “While I was unable to find any cute demon beasts on this island, I am pleased to have discovered such a remarkably cute boy.”

“O-Oh,” I stammered, my brain dissolving into mush. “Umm, thank you.”

“You need not thank me merely for speaking truths, my sweet Hajime.”

“Umm,” I gulped and brought my hands up, letting my fingertips barely brush his back. “Is it alright if I…”

He gave me a smile full of warmth and kissed my forehead. “Yes, you may. And you are a good boy for asking first.”

I whimpered and clutched at him, clenching my eyes tight shut as he started planting gentle little kisses on my neck. Those words, in that deep voice of his, were boring their way into my brain, right past any of the parts that made me a rational, thinking human and straight through to the ones housing my primal, mammalian instincts. All I could think about in that moment was how much I wanted to be held, touched, cared for. How I would have done anything he asked just to hear him call me that again. I suddenly remembered what he had said ages ago when he was telling me how he tamed wild animals.

_Basically, you must say “Good girl, good girl”. You must make sure they understand that there is no ill will on our end. In order to do that, you need to appear innocent. Of course, there are some who like to be touched and some that don't._

Oh god. Was he doing that to me right now? It wouldn’t be the first time he’d successfully employed his Ultimate Breeder techniques on me. Nothing else had ever reminded me so effectively that, at the end of the day, humans really were just pretentious animals.

“Is all well with you, my pet?” I opened my eyes as he placed a hand on my face and rubbed my cheekbone with his thumb. At that surprisingly comforting gesture, I couldn’t help but relax every muscle in my face except for the ones I needed to give him a small smile. When I nodded, he smiled back and brushed the tip of his nose ever so softly against mine. “Then I would ask you to be gentler in your grasping as well.”

I hadn’t realized it, but I’d been digging my fingers into him. “Oh gosh, sorry!” I gasped, flattening my hands on his back. I really needed to get better at controlling myself in situations like this, but he seemed determined not to make it easy for me.

“It is alright,” he reassured me. He worked his arms under my shoulders and hugged me tight, making an appreciative groan. “I do not know which divine entity sent you to me, but I must find out and give them my thanks. You are such a wonderful gift.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.” I knew I could never match his poetic flair, but I did manage to coax a grin out of him.

He gave me another sensual, affectionate kiss, then drew away and got under the covers with me. Sighing contentedly, I nestled myself into his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. My stomach tried to remind me I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but I was too overwhelmed by the warm feelings Gundham had just roused in me to care. “You know, even with all this crazy Funhouse stuff, I’m not worried. I really feel like I can deal with anything as long as I have you.”

He hugged me close and kissed the top of my head. “And I would do anything for you, my seraph. My powers are yours to command.”

“I don’t need your powers, Gundham. I just need you.”

His finger was running slowly over my back and I realized he must be tracing the sigil he’d drawn there what felt like a lifetime ago. I’d almost forgotten about it, what with everything that had happened since. When he spoke, his voice was full of quiet determination. “I said I would let no harm come to you.”

“I _can_ take care of myself, you know. I know you feel protective of me, but I’m not a kid. And I don’t want to see you get hurt either.” When he didn’t respond I pulled away from him, propping myself up on an elbow to give him a stern glare. He was looking down, avoiding my gaze once more. “I’m serious! If our souls really are bound together, aren’t I just as responsible for protecting you?”

“But I am a powerful warlock with demonic blood, while you are a mere human,” he said quietly.

I had to suppress an intense urge to tell him to drop the chuuni act while we were having a serious conversation. I still didn’t know if he honestly believed that stuff or if talking like that was a coping mechanism of some kind - I suspected it was a mix of both - but either way I didn’t want to disrespect it. No matter how frustrating it could be. The fact that he still put on that front at a time like this must have meant it was important to him.

So instead I took him gently by the chin and raised his eyes to meet mine. “Didn’t you say I have my own powers? They’re very different from yours, but I think there’s a lot I can do with them. Some things you can’t, even. So trust me, okay? I don’t need you to fight for me, I just need you to be there for me.”

Gundham grinned a little. “You were certainly clever enough to outsmart me the other day in the hospital, I will admit.”

“See? I’m not helpless.” I snuggled back into his chest. I did that to protect _you_ , you know. Everyone else too, but mostly you. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to convict you and send you off to be executed if you’d killed someone.”

“Then you have my thanks for your foresight.” He hugged me close again and I closed my eyes, letting my stress melt away. “Sleep well, my cherished one,” he said softly, planting his lips on my forehead. His words spread warm honey from the spot where he’d kissed me all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My minions will do you no harm](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/41/7b/a2/417ba216c0a6003d57d3e217e08af967.jpg).
> 
> [My pet](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a0/d5/51/a0d5511133ec4bb1c2b900185843e9f3.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/66635168))


	41. Duality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning  !
> 
> Tl;dr in endnotes for mentioned section.

“Sleep well, my cherished one.” I could feel Hajime’s entire body relax at my words as I held him and kissed his forehead, pleased to have found a new incantation to bring him happiness. I had been mortified at letting that slip earlier in the evening, but his warm smile and gentle laugh had assured me it hadn’t been a mistake.

It was still so strange to me, allowing this many of my true feelings to surface in his presence. I felt like I was constantly waiting for a trap to spring, fearing each confession would be the one to bring everything we were building together crashing down. But Hajime’s miraculous capacity for understanding was starting to make it feel… safe. I had even wept before him, and that first time I had shown him my tears I had been truly astonished at his reaction. Instead of angering at me or walking away, he had simply held me as I shed as many as I needed to. Despite having had plenty of his own to shed that night as well.

I almost couldn’t believe he was real. Was he truly some double agent, set upon me by one of my numerous enemies to get me to let my guard down, to go soft? But despite my suspicious nature, I couldn’t believe that. The boy radiated an aura of genuineness that I doubted even the most skilled weaver of falsehoods could fabricate.

I watched him now as he dozed off, a feeling of warmth building in my withered heart as I saw the happy smile gracing his features. Was he thinking about me as he smiled like that? He must be, but I didn’t understand how a creature like myself could be the cause of such an expression. One who from the moment of his birth had walked the boundary between the mortal world and hell itself.

My thoughts drifted back to Koizumi and her photograph, to how I had felt when she told me why such a sweet smile was lighting up Hajime’s face. I had been utterly baffled, but the revelation had started to wake something in me. No, that wasn’t exactly right. It had already been stirring restlessly within me and she had merely drawn my attention to it, although it had taken me even longer for me to put words to the feeling. I had been falling in love. I hadn’t even thought such a thing was possible.

And this strange, unbelievable, adorable boy who wouldn’t stop following me around no matter how much I told him being near me was dangerous had been falling in love with me too. Why? How could a wicked atrocity like myself inspire those feelings in such a gentle, innocent, kind person? As I had feared from the very beginning, my presence in his life had already hurt him so badly. Recalling the violence I had done to him while afflicted with the Despair Disease still made me sick, and the forgiveness he’d so readily extended had only fanned the flames of my guilt. He had demanded no atonement from me, and so I would have to seek it out myself.

Not opening his eyes, he groaned and reached out to me as I pulled away from him. Gently fending off his weak grasping, I placed a hand on his head and began to gently draw it over his hair. I had noticed the very first time I’d done that to him how much of an effect it had, and it hadn’t seemed to become any less potent as I employed it more.

It felt strange using the same techniques to calm him that I would a demon beast, since humans often seemed to find the implication that they shared commonalities with animals demeaning. But Hajime didn’t seem to mind. If anything, he seemed to appreciate my facility for soothing his anxieties with such methods. And I was more than pleased to provide him with this service.

He sighed and relaxed into the pillows, a smile creeping back onto his soft, sleepy face. “I love you,” he muttered indistinctly.

I had to wipe some tears from my eyes as those words sent a wave of complicated, conflicting feelings through me. I had been trying to disentangle them since the first time he’d said that to me, but it was so hard. I knew, at the very core of my being, that I loved him too. But I still needed time to figure out what that meant for me. Could a dark creature like myself ever properly return the pure and radiant love of someone like Hajime? Didn’t he deserve someone to whom warmth and kindness came more easily? But for some reason he had latched onto me like a remora, and I found myself far too enamored to even think of trying to dislodge him.

Stroking his wild hair and letting my feelings for him fill me to bursting, I waited until he fell asleep. Then I quietly got up and snuck out of the room. He had claimed he didn’t want me to fight for him, but despite his protests, there was one thing I _had_ to do. I’d already made this promise days ago, and Gundham Tanaka was not one to break his word. I would just have to keep my actions from him.

It only took me two strides to cross the hall, where I pulled open the door opposite my own and slipped through. I took note of the fact that the Funhouse guest rooms lacked locks. That was a piece of information that may wind up being useful.

Komaeda shifted in his bed and started to awaken when I flipped on the light. As Hajime had remarked earlier, we’d come across nothing in this confounded building that could be used to restrain the madman, and I could think of only one other way to keep him from the boy.

Before he could come fully to consciousness, I stalked over and pulled him up by his shirt. He made a surprised noise, followed by a pained grunt as I slammed him into the wall hard enough to knock the breath from him. I pinned him there by the throat with my forearm, wincing as he coughed. This vile wretch made my skin crawl even more than most people and I wished I had my coat so I could do this without touching him. But I hadn’t wanted to risk waking Hajime by taking the time to disentangle my Devas from it.

“You should have died,” I snarled in his face.

“You’re right,” he wheezed back at me, giving me one of his disgustingly obsequious smiles. “Someone as useless as me doesn’t deserve to live when so many more talented people have had to die. If you want to kill me, let me help.”

“You would do us all a favor if you killed _yourself_ without dragging one of us into your perverse deathwish,” I spat. “But no. As much as I desire to reduce your bones to ash, I am not going to kill you. Do you know why?”

His smile transformed into a spiteful grin and those malevolent eyes took on a manic cast. “Oh yes. Of course. Our beautiful Haji-hngh!” I increased the pressure on his throat, cutting him off halfway through uttering that precious name. _Our_ Hajime? Hajime could not be owned, especially not by this despicable monstrosity. He could only give freely of himself at his choosing. And though I could not even begin to fathom why, he had chosen _me_.

“If you lay a finger on him,” I grabbed Komaeda’s unresisting, scrawny forearm and waved it in his face, “I will break your arms.” Letting that go, I took his face roughly by the chin. “If you give him one of those putrid grins, you will lose your teeth.” Finally, I grabbed him by the hair as he sputtered and started to turn purple. “If you so much as look at him too long, I will ensure you cannot see from your swollen eyes for a week. Do you understand me, you worm?”

I stepped away and he collapsed to the floor in a fit of ragged gasps, rubbing at his throat. I crossed my arms and stood there, sneering down at him as his coughing turned into mad laughter. How could anyone be so pathetic? “He never told me to stop,” Komaeda finally croaked, smiling beatifically as if recalling his most wonderful memory.

Rage poured through my veins like molten iron. How dare he talk about what he had done to the boy? I grabbed his shirt again, pulling him back to his feet and swinging him into the wall once more. “Nothing leaves your mouth but foul venom,” I hissed.

He let out a breathless, manic cackle. “Do you know how long it takes for clumsy trash like me to loosen a tie and undo three shirt buttons with one hand?” He wiggled a set of slim, pale fingers in my face, giggling with delight. They reminded me of nothing so much as squirming maggots. “He just stood there, letting me do it! I’ll remember that for a long time. And the way his skin tasted… well, you know, don’t you?” Paralyzed by outrage, I could only grind my teeth, my fingers twitching with the desire to strangle him. “Has he let you get a hand down his pants yet? Or is that a privilege he’s reserved for me? His cute little hips are so soft.” He shuddered, a look of disgusting pleasure in his eyes.

His words pushed me all the way through rage and out the other side, into a cold valley of calculated fury. “If you are attempting to raise my ire with him, you have severely misjudged me.” My tone was utterly flat, my breathing steady, my limbs loose. I felt ready to kill. And it wouldn’t be in a fit of anger, but due to a calm, rational decision I was coming to in this moment.

But as he started laughing again, I realized that that was exactly what he wanted. This mad aberration _wanted_ me to kill him. He wanted me dead for winning the boy’s heart where he had failed, and he was too weak to kill me any other way than by making the devil bear do his dirty work for him.

This wasn’t even the first time he’d tried to goad me into taking his life. There was his assault on Hajime at the supermarket, of course. I had become increasingly certain that I had been his actual target, invoking my wrath his true aim. And in the thrall of the Despair Disease, he had once more tried to spur me to violence by claiming he had killed the boy. Perhaps it would have worked too, had I not been struck with callousness by my own affliction.

I grabbed him by the chin and searched those grey-green eyes of his as his laughter faded into silence. I could see the hunger in them, a look of craving I recognized all too well from slavering predators. There was a void in his soul that he needed the boy to fill and he would not hesitate to consume him, to strip away all there was to that lovely, vivacious spirit until nothing remained that could be recognized as Hajime Hinata.

He must have been hunting the boy from the start, sniffing out particular vulnerabilities he considered himself suited to exploit when Hajime had collapsed on the beach during our very first hour on the island. “You have made a grave miscalculation,” I said, grinning as I stepped away from him. “You believe him to be your prey. Perhaps since you have never been his quarry, you do not recognize the fierce determination of a predator he hides behind that innocuous visage.”

“Is that so?” He grinned back at me. “In that case, you’re not the only one who fell for one of his facades.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” I growled.

His grin broadened. “Why don’t you ask him if there are any big secrets he’s keeping from you?”

I shook my head in disgust. “I will not allow you to sow poison between us.” He started to respond, but, tired of his attempted manipulations, I swept his feet out from under him. He grunted in pain when he hit the floor. “Heed my warning. Stay away from him.” I exited the room before he could muster a retort.

I thought I would have to stand in the hall and collect myself, but that strange sense of calm didn’t subside back into simmering rage like I had expected it to. I felt oddly like I’d won some sort of victory, although I wasn’t sure over what. Komaeda? Myself? Or something else entirely?

Hajime shifted and opened his eyes as I got back in bed. “Gundham?” he murmured.

“Go back to sleep,” I whispered, petting his head once more. He sighed happily and snuggled into me, rubbing his face on my chest like a sleepy cat. I didn’t actually like trying to fall asleep while touching this much, but it made him so happy I hadn’t had the heart to tell him. I was starting to feel quite sleep-deprived though, so I’d have to at some point. Not tonight though. Not tonight. Tonight I would hold him close and stroke his hair until he fell back asleep, then stare into the darkness until exhaustion finally overtook me as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tl;dr for second half of chapter: Gundham sneaks into Nagito's room and threatens/roughs him up, telling him to keep away from Hajime. Nagito tries to make Gundham angry enough to kill him, but Gundham realizes what he's doing and leaves.
> 
> [Sad Hajime detected: Deploy headpets](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/69/2b/30/692b303d2ef66745c8241f890b8a4611.jpg)! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/61841528?epik=dj0yJnU9Q2paaWV1ZlFTcVFzb1NzODhiNU1aU2FMM2EzN3F0bnEmcD0wJm49d1RpVERjNGs0ZjhkZGFLNmNZTmNjQSZ0PUFBQUFBR0FTN2Z3))
> 
> [Nagito's trap](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/1e/a8/1d/1ea81d2faf8dfceebda14471aef6b831.jpg). (I think this is official art from one of the manga)


	42. Treachery

When I woke up, Gundham was pacing nervously around the room. “What’s wrong?” I asked, letting out a good yawn.

“It’s- I don’t have,” he gestured vaguely at his face, “anything! I am not accustomed to letting others see me this way.”

Ah. Since we’d been dropped here with nothing but the clothes on our backs he didn’t have any makeup or styling products to reapply. He looked exhausted and his hair was reverting to its natural state, falling in a limp sheet over his face. He’d even had to remove his red contact before it started drying out his eye. “I think I’ve told you before, but you still look great without all that stuff.”

“It is not about being attractive!” he snapped, futzing with his hair to try and make it behave enough to at least stay out of his eyes.

“Hmm. More about being menacing, then?”

“Hmph. Something like that,” he muttered, looking slightly abashed.

“Well, with or without makeup, you’re plenty menacing with a good scowl. Yeah, like that,” I added as he turned one on me. I laughed and reached out to him as his scowl deepened. “Consider me thoroughly menaced. Come here.” He walked over and sat on the bed, crossing his arms in irritation as I tugged at his shirt persistently. “Come here more.”

“You think you can placate me merely by being cute.” He sounded dour, but lifted the covers and crawled under them with me. His mood seemed to be particularly bad this morning, but I thought there might be a thing or two I could do about that.

“Pretty much. Don’t pretend like cuteness isn’t your greatest weakness, Gundham Tanaka. You’ve revealed too much of yourself to me by now to deny it.”

“You swore not to take advantage of my weaknesses,” he grumbled.

“Oh? Do you want me to stop being cute, then?” I teased, grabbing his face and pulling myself forward until our bodies were touching. He felt cold after his pacing, and I wanted to share my cozy warmth with him.

Running a hand up my bare back, he returned my grin with one of his own. “Don’t you dare.” As he brought his soft lips to mine, I concluded my earlier teasing had been forgiven.

We embraced each other like that for a pleasant while, a happy tangle of limbs and bedsheets, until I remembered there was something I’d been meaning to ask him. I knew it was going to ruin the mood, but it had been eating at me since I’d heard it and I just couldn’t get it out of my head.

“Hey.” I broke away after a few more kisses. “What you said when we were exploring yesterday and found that toy boat engine… is it really true that no one ever gave you toys growing up?” Despite the dire situation we were in, he’d gotten so excited at finding just a piece of a toy that I had resolved on the spot to give him something like that myself if we ever got out of here.

He frowned at my question. “What reason would I have to deceive you about this?”

“I didn’t think you were lying, I just wanted to ask about it. I’m sorry.” I reached out to stroke his hair, brushing it out of the way of those soft, grey eyes. “From all the stories you’ve told me, it sounds like you didn’t really have anyone there for you when you were a kid.”

He looked away from me and when he spoke his voice was flat. “As the spawn of a demon, it was not my fate to be treated like other children.”

My heart felt tight hearing him say those words. Concern furrowing my brow, I put a hand on his cheek and gently turned his face back towards mine. His expression had gone impassive, but I knew him well enough by now to guess that he was hiding some intense emotion behind that mask. Maybe even hiding it from himself. “Who made you think you didn’t deserve to be cared for?” My voice broke a little as I tried not to start crying.

“I do not wish to discuss this further,” he rebuffed me firmly, rolling onto his back to disengage from me.

I snuggled into his side, resting my head on his chest. “Okay,” I conceded, wrapping an arm around his waist to give him a reassuring squeeze. “But if you ever do want to, I’m here to listen, alright? I care about you so much.”

He didn’t answer, and after a while I figured it was up to me to lighten things up again. “How are the Devas doing this morning?”

Gundham grasped at this change in topic with relief. “They are as well as can be expected. This situation has necessitated many changes to their routines, and the new environment is not terribly to their liking. But I have trained them well. They will adapt.”

“Do you want to get them up here? I’d like to say hi.”

He smiled, seeming pleased by the idea. “To my side, my Devas,” he intoned. There were some skittering and scrabbling noises, and the hamsters rushed onto the bed. Cham-P decided to settle in on Gundham’s chest with me, leaning his fluffy little body into my forehead.

I chuckled and pet him with a single finger. “Is it bad to have a favorite?”

“I do not allow myself to indulge in such partisanship. But you are only human, so I suppose it is to be expected.” Gundham reached over to pet the golden hamster as well, his fingers brushing mine. “He has certainly made every effort to earn your favors. Perhaps I should be concerned. Are you attempting to beguile one of my minions away from me, Hajime Hinata?”

“Perhaps.” I matched his playful tone. “Maybe your seat as emperor isn’t as secure as you thought.” I placed my hand next to the friendly little creature on Gundham’s chest, palm up, and did my best to copy his deep, commanding voice. “To me, Cham-P!” The hamster shifted a little, but didn’t clamber onto my hand. “Damn.”

“Kehehe. It seems you have much work yet to do if your treachery is to be successful. And I will be keeping an eye on you now that you have so carelessly revealed your plot.”

There was a rustling in my hair as another one of the Devas climbed up onto my head. My happy smile turned into a pained grimace when I felt a sharp bite at the tip of my ear, accompanied by an angry squeaking. “Ow!” I cried as Gundham hastily pried the offending creature off. I looked up to see that it was Maga-Z, and I could have sworn she was glaring at me as Gundham gently placed her on the bed opposite himself from me.

“None of that, you,” he said sternly to the hamster, pushing her away as she tried to climb back onto him. “Not if you aren’t going to be a good girl.”

“What happened to ‘they won’t hurt their master’s cherished companion,’” I muttered, rubbing my ear. That had been surprisingly painful, and I had a new appreciation for Gundham’s willingness to endure all of their scratches and bites without complaint.

“My apologies, Hajime. I believe I have told you before that she is envious of you. Although I have informed her many times that I do not develop preferences between my familiars, she believes herself to be my favorite and sees you as a usurper of my affections.”

I leaned over Gundham’s stomach and narrowed my eyes at the hamster. “Is this a declaration of war, Crimson Steel Elephant Maga-Z?” I hissed dramatically, inching a finger slowly towards her. She squeaked at me in a quiet, almost reproachful manner.

Gundham laughed and pushed me off of him too. “None of that from you either, then,” he chided, gently tapping the tip of my nose. “Not if you aren’t going to be a good boy.”

“Hmph.” Feigning haughtiness, I cuddled back into him. “Fine, I’ll take the high road. Now, how can I make her like me?”

“I fear I have nothing for you to purchase her friendship with while we are trapped here. You shall have to be patient, and continue to treat her gently and with kindness. Although you must also be firm, lest she come to believe she has broken you.”

“Well, at least I have Cham-P in the meantime.” I stroked the large hamster, who hadn’t moved from Gundham’s chest during the whole debacle.

Gundham placed two fingers under my chin and turned my face up towards his, which was sporting a conspiratorial grin. “Do not tell them,” he whispered, “but I have recently developed a favorite.”

“Oh? Who is it?”

“The cutest one,” he answered mysteriously, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Don’t worry dear, you’re very menacing.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/21/0f/62/210f62e4c93606983b206a8f99a6b6a8.jpg) ([Source](https://xulips.tumblr.com/post/630560818329796608/gay-peple-my-new-tablet-arrived-so-i-made-a?epik=dj0yJnU9RjFaNHV6OEpqdmMyS2UzdS01S1ZWeGQzRW1LQlVmalYmcD0wJm49ZmJJSjdQOWhJYXhwWGlPV0xpaUVtZyZ0PUFBQUFBR0FVN21B))
> 
> [“There will never be a day when you understand why I became who I am! I'm the offspring of an angel and a devil, a cursed being shunned and rejected by everything in this world!”](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/07/c7/33/07c733607d3cb70960236808374f8ada.jpg) (quote from Gundham’s last FTE)
> 
> [Cuties with cute hamsters!](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/6a/b4/d2/6ab4d2513a18de26ee9934d608abd2af.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/63121805?epik=dj0yJnU9YjFUYWs3eWk0R25rQUxtbV9OVzE4MlZmU09ZaFNGckMmcD0wJm49TWhVRkljR212ZzNJUW4xOUktbFMyUSZ0PUFBQUFBR0FVNzRv))
> 
> [She’s jealous.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/bf/66/09/bf660950d2b4f08a57f6ecde76c73e83.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/33981972?epik=dj0yJnU9bVV1bEc5Q0FvR2hfMUFqZ2pkbjBGMEEzNnBjdVJfbG4mcD0wJm49eEJCYzVYNVh4WVNiTl9PRWt2bnFldyZ0PUFBQUFBR0FVNzg0))


	43. Strawberry Quartet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone made some [fanart of this fic](https://aminoapps.com/c/danganronpa/page/blog/the-forbidden-one-fan-art/qk3o_eY4SRuwr2PGVoooGLbjKlJlQ8RZ6MeTg)! Go check it out, it's great. I have to say, I never thought I'd ever have this many people interested in something I've written, and it's been really awesome seeing everyone enjoying it so much. So, big thanks to you, Miillii, and to everyone else who leaves comments and follows along with the fic in general. You all make writing this a ton of fun!

Gundham and I spent a while longer in bed, cuddling and exchanging playful banter, before deciding to get up and see what the others were doing. I was in the middle of making him blush by whispering a rebuttal to some teasing right in his ear when a dry voice came from the lounge as we passed by.

“I’d tell you two to get a fucking room, but it looks like you already did.”

“Oh, hey Fuyuhiko.” I went to take a seat near him. Gundham made a frustrated sound but joined us after a moment. He still didn’t like comments like that, but it seemed he was getting more used to them at least. A week ago that would have sent him into a fit of incoherent stammering. “What are you up to?”

“Literally. Fucking. Nothing. There is _nothing_ to do here.” He sounded annoyed, but at the situation rather than me.

“Do you want to hang out?”

“I guess? Why do you even want to spend time with someone like me, anyway?”

“That is a question I have also found myself asking,” Gundham grumbled. It looked like whatever had been causing his bad mood this morning hadn’t been entirely dispelled by my efforts. That or hunger was starting to make everyone testy.

“Because you’re my friend, you asshole,” I laughed at Fuyuhiko. His vocabulary seemed to have been rubbing off on me. “And knock it off, you,” I added, nudging Gundham with my elbow. He just crossed his arms and looked sullen. At least it didn’t look like these two were about to start fighting, but I did wish they’d get along better.

“So, uh,” Fuyuhiko said after an awkward silence. “Fuck, I’m always so busy with family shit I’m not used to having nothing going on. What do people even do when they’re bored?”

“Hmm. We could play a party game or something.”

“What, like a bunch of dumbass drunk teenagers?”

“We _are_ teenagers,” I reminded him.

“Ugh, whatever. Like what, then?”

We had to think about that for a bit. None of us were exactly social butterflies, and it turned out not a single one of us had ever been to a high school party. I had to dredge up some half-remembered rules from games I’d seen people playing on TV shows, and we decided to go with a simple one.

“I’ll start then,” Fuyuhiko jumped in when we’d settled everything. He turned to Gundham. “Which would you rather spend a day without? Hajime, or your hamsters?”

“Hamsters are merely their earthly forms, they are-”

“Don’t dodge the question,” Fuyuhiko interrupted sternly.

Gundham glanced at me then away. Retreating into his scarf like a turtle, he muttered almost inaudibly, “Hajime.”

“Ouch,” Fuyuhiko shot at me.

I laughed and pulled Gundham over to kiss the top of his head. “Don’t worry, I understand. Your turn then.”

Gundham glared at Fuyuhiko with narrowed eyes after I released him. It seemed like that question had started a feud. “Kuzuryu. Would you prefer if Hajime had been unable to prevent you from slicing open your stomach, or to never utter another curse until your soul departs this world?”

“Fuck, you do not pull any punches.” Fuyuhiko whistled softly and leaned back, considering that one carefully for a while. “Shit. I’ll take the stabbing, I guess. At least that might have healed.”

“Hmm.” Gundham leaned back as well, looking pleased by that answer. “To risk your life to avoid constraint on your expression. Perhaps I have underestimated you.”

Fuyuhiko grinned at him. “Would you make the same choice, then? Drop the chuuni bullshit and talk like a normal person, or get stabbed?”

“Is this your question?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Very well. Then yes, I would make the same decision as you. I refuse to have my behavior dictated in such a fashion.”

“You even know what it’s like to get stabbed, though? Or are you just talking out of your ass?”

It was Gundham’s turn to grin. “I am no stranger to pain. The Hounds of Hell have torn viciously at my flesh.”

“It’s true,” I piped in. “He had to be hospitalized for some kind of injury when he was a kid.”

“Damn, alright. Maybe I’ve been underestimating you too. I thought you were a bit of a joke at first, but you might be a tougher bastard than I gave you credit for.”

I smiled to see them grinning at each other like that. Maybe they could wind up getting along after all. “You got anything else?” Fuyuhiko asked Gundham.

“Hmmm.” He gave Fuyuhuko another intense look while he thought it over, but it was a lot more good-natured this time. “Yes. You have lost an eye during our time on this accursed island. If granted a boon by one of the gods of this world, would you seek to have it returned to you or increase your stature?”

I held my breath for a moment. Fuyuhiko really did not like comments about his height. Luckily, he seemed not to take Gundham’s question as mockery. “Oh, easy. I mean, yeah, missing an eye sucks. I wouldn’t have chosen to lose it. But now it’s pretty much healed up already?” He reached up to finger his eyepatch. “I mean, the cred it’s gonna give me when I get outta here is no fucking joke. Better than any tatts. If I could have that _and_ be six foot and change? Fuck yeah. I mean, you know how badass eye scars are, right? Otherwise, you wouldn’t have bothered with that thing.” He gestured at Gundham’s face.

“I suppose this is true.” Gundham ran a couple of fingers down his henna ‘scar’ thoughtfully. “It does give one a certain air of… menace.” He shot me a sly grin at the last word, which I returned.

“God, is that how you two flirt?” Fuyuhiko just laughed at the glares we both turned on him. “Anyway. We’ve been letting Hajime off the hook, it’s his turn to answer one now. Uh-”

“Hey, guys.” Kazuichi’s head poked out from around the corner. “Whatcha up to?”

“Just killing time,” I answered.

“Can I join?”

I raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Don’t you hate all of us?” 

Fuyuhiko’s laugh had a sharp edge to it this time. “Ha! Right? The murderer, the traitor, and the guy your stalking victim has a crush on.”

“What?!” Gundham’s face snapped over to him, shock coloring his features.

“Does he seriously not know?” Fuyuhiko directed that question at me.

“You knew of this too?!” Gundham turned to me as well, looking betrayed.

I shrugged. “I mean, we don’t really _know_ , we’re just guessing. No one’s actually talked to her about it or anything. But yeah, she almost cried in front of us when she found out about you and I being together.” Kazuichi whimpered like a kicked puppy upon hearing that revelation, but we all ignored him.

“And you two discuss such matters behind my back?!”

“Gundham, come on. You talk to Sonia about me,” I pointed out.

“She is my friend! And yours!”

“Well, Fuyuhiko is _my_ friend. I’d like it if you two could be friends too.”

Gundham opened his mouth as if to argue, then closed it and retreated into his scarf again. His eyes met Fuyuhiko’s briefly before they both looked away, blushing slightly, and an uncomfortable silence descended. Kazuichi was the one to break it, leaning his forehead against the wall and moaning like he was in physical pain. “Guys, I am so fucking bored. Please. Who the hell else am I supposed to hang out with? Nagito?”

I looked at the other two. Gundham was avoiding my gaze and Fuyuhiko just shrugged so it seemed like it was up to me. “Alright, Kazuichi. Sit down.”

“Do you like being able to hold a wrench, Soda?” Gundham’s voice was low and dripping with malice.

“Huh? Well, yeah, that’s kinda my thing.”

“Good. Then I suggest you keep your distance. For if you attempt to lay hands on any of my Four Dark Devas of Destruction, I will break _every single one_ of your fingers.” Kazuichi had suggested eating the hamsters as soon as we’d determined there wasn’t any food in the Funhouse, and I was pretty sure only Sonia’s and my intervention had stopped Gundham from attacking him on the spot.

“Alright, alright, chill.” He put his hands up in an exaggeratedly placating gesture and took a seat at the corner of the table farthest from Gundham. “So, what are we doing exactly?”

We explained the game to him, then Fuyuhiko picked up where he’d been interrupted. “Right. So. Hajime. Would you rather never remember what your talent is, or break up with Gundham?”

Gundham’s eyes bulged as he made an adorable, high-pitched noise of startled distress. I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Jeeze, Fuyuhiko, can you make these a little less personal? This is supposed to be fun.”

“Fine. Coward,” he taunted, without rancor. “Would you rather everyone got off this island alive, or everyone but Nagito got off this island alive?”

Gundham frowned at the question, but I was okay with answering this one. “I’m not that petty. I’d be happier never seeing his face again, but I don’t want him to _die_.”

“On this point, it seems we disagree,” Gundham said darkly.

“If you were in the Kuzuryu clan and someone attacked you like that, we’d drown him in concrete,” Fuyuhiko agreed. I’d never told him what Nagito had actually done to me but apparently, the injury and threats he knew about were enough. His eye met Gundham’s and they exchanged nods of mutual respect.

I rubbed my face in exasperation. “I’m glad you two have found some common ground, but please don’t conspire to murder anyone on my behalf.” They looked away from each other again, both crossing their arms and making nearly identical grunting noises. I couldn’t help but laugh. Those two really were more similar than they realized. That was probably why they didn’t get along too well, I reflected. Despite their outward shows of arrogance, I didn’t think either of them liked themselves very much. “Anyway, moving on. Kazuichi. Are you ready?”

“Aww yeah, lay one on me!” He gave me an excited grin, showing off his bizarrely sharp teeth.

“Would you rather never work on another machine for the rest of your life, or never talk to Sonia again?”

Gundham laughed harshly and Fuyuhiko made a pained oooh-ing noise while Kazuichi pulled his beanie down over his eyes. “Whyyyyyyyy would you ask me that?” he wailed.

“Maybe I want to give you the opportunity to think good and hard about what’s actually important to you.” I was only half-joking.

He smacked his face into the table and moaned in distress. “Uuuggghhh. Fine. I don’t think I could give up being a mechanic. So I guess I’d never talk to Miss Sonia again.” He sounded like he couldn’t believe those words were coming out of his mouth.

“A gesture I am certain she would appreciate.” Gundham grinned contemptuously, clearly enjoying Kazuichi’s misery. I didn’t share in his schadenfreude, but I didn’t begrudge it either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Gundham's being a grump this morning](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/02/c1/dc/02c1dc4e69fe54b3192947122f14be16.jpg). ([Source](https://sleepdepravity.tumblr.com/post/85678013094/risass-idiots))
> 
> [Don’t threaten the hamsters](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8c/2c/09/8c2c09d73e122a5abd4341ec6ea34dab.jpg).
> 
> [Hajime’s on babysitting duty with these three today.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/2d/f0/62/2df0622148755ae9936648ca83d7f909.jpg) ([Source](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/159157399026/hinananny?epik=dj0yJnU9X0RVUFgwdDZreVR6R05EaDJxSlZoVVMySXNRNmxNbUMmcD0wJm49cTE0NERyWENVQUNBbm1sRXJlbUJidyZ0PUFBQUFBR0FVX3Nj))


	44. Half-Truths

Despite the gnawing hunger growing in my stomach, I managed to spend a pleasant morning with Chiaki in the lounge. Akane had stormed off in a huff after we asked her how she was feeling about Nekomaru and none of the boys had come over from Strawberry House so it was just us two. I had half-expected Kazuichi to show up trying to corner me into engaging with him and counted my blessings for his absence.

I hadn’t spent much time with Chiaki before now, but without any video games to entertain her, she seemed much more open to conversing than usual. Of course she still mostly wanted to talk about games, but I was always eager to listen to people discussing topics they were experts on. A princess should never pass up the opportunity to learn new things, and how better to do so than from a passionate, knowledgeable teacher? So I listened attentively as she discussed various games she was fond of and made her promise to show me some when we got the chance. I made sure to phrase it as ‘when,’ rather than ‘if,’ because I was determined not to display signs of giving up. The situation was a good deal worse than any of my previous kidnappings, but not yet hopeless.

After a time, our chat was interrupted by a distinctly unwelcome intruder. “Hello, you two!”

“Nagito,” I greeted him brusquely as his cheerful visage came into view around the corner. I had tried very hard to be understanding of this man and give him every benefit of the doubt, but after what he had done to Hajime there was no way I could continue to treat him as anything other than a villain. “What are you doing in Grape House?”

“I’ve been up in the Monokuma Archives. I thought I could find some information there that might help us. Of course, so far my idea’s been as worthless as I am.”

“Is there something we can do for you?”

“I thought I should check in on you, Sonia!” He sat down next to me and I turned my chair to face him, refusing to show even a drop of the discomfort his proximity was causing me. “I know you must be having a hard time with things.”

“And why would I be having any more difficult of a time than anyone else?”

He looked surprised, but I could read the falsity of the expression. I was trained to spot such things, after all. “Because of Gundham and Hajime, of course!”

So, he was here to needle me over that. He truly was cruel, but I refused to let him get to me. “And why would that upset me? They are both good friends of mine, and quite happy with each other.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He glanced over at Chiaki, then back to me, false chagrin now spreading across his features. Most poor actors were given away by their expressions failing to be reflected in their eyes, but Nagito had no such issues. Rather, he gave off the air of someone who felt he had already won whatever game he was playing and was only going through the motions of this tiresome farce to make his victory official. “Were your feelings for Gundham supposed to be a secret?”

My own expression hardened and I spoke stiffly. “Even if I had feelings for him as you imply, I would not discuss them with you.”

“Huh? But who else could better understand you? After all, I feel the same way about Hajime that you do about Gundham.”

“I very much doubt that.” My voice had become as ice. “If you cared for Hajime, why would you cause him harm like you did?”

“Oh, that?” He laughed dismissively. “Just an accident caused by a misunderstanding. I’d never want to hurt Hajime, not intentionally.” Although I didn’t know precisely what Nagito had done to Hajime, I had seen him afterwards, injured and near to catatonia with distress. I couldn’t imagine a mere misunderstanding would have left him in that state. “But you’re saying you do have feelings for Gundham, then?”

I cursed myself internally. Had that all been a feint to get me to make that slip? What a shameful mistake for a princess to make. “Well, it doesn’t really matter either way,” he continued when I merely glared at him. “All that matters is that you care about him in some capacity.”

“And why does that matter to you?”

“I guess you haven’t been spending enough time with them recently to see how miserable they’ve been making each other. They’re such an odd pair, aren’t they?” He laughed again. “I have no idea why they’re together at all!”

“I do. I think.” Chiaki had been silent until now, and this time Nagito’s expression of surprise seemed genuine as she broke into the conversation.

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Hajime is a very understanding person. And Gundham really needs someone to understand him.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way before myself. Like Nagito, I’d often wondered why the two of them got along so well. They had very little in common, and although he tried to hide it I could see that Hajime didn’t believe a word of Gundham’s boasts about his impressive sorcerous abilities. But despite that, he did seem to have an uncanny ability to read the mysterious man where even I struggled.

“Well, of course an Ultimate would be able to see something trash like me had missed,” Nagito conceded, his self-abuse accompanied by a jovial smile. “Tell me then, what’s Hajime getting out of it?”

Chiaki looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling for a long moment before responding. “I’m not sure. A lot, probably. Why don’t you ask him?”

Nagito’s face went a bit stiff but softened after only a heartbeat. “You’re right, of course! What better way to get information than straight from the source? That’s the kind of wisdom I’d expect from the Ultimate Gamer. But regardless, I’ve been concerned. They’ve been a bit of a disaster together, haven’t they? It might not be a good idea for them to be in a relationship right now, don’t you think?”

I stood up, my distaste for him morphing into anger. “I will not sit here and listen to this! If you think I will plot with you to destroy the happiness of my friends, you are an imbecile!”

“That’s a shame,” Nagito sighed as I stormed past him. “Did you know Gundham cuts himself?”

I spun around, his words hitting me hard enough to knock the breath from my lungs. He had turned to face me and was smiling as casually as he’d spoken. Behind him, Chiaki looked downcast, but not surprised. “What?” I gasped.

“Now, I’m not saying it’s Hajime’s fault, of course,” Nagito said, holding up his hands as if fending off a misunderstanding. “I’m sure they both want the best for each other. But you know how Gundham struggles with emotions. I think the stress of being involved with someone on top of everything else has been pushing him into some bad habits.”

“And how do you know he does that?” It certainly wasn’t something he’d shared with me. If Nagito was telling the truth, I doubted he'd come by the information honestly.

“Let’s just say I’ve been keeping an eye on those two. Like I said, I’ve been concerned.”

“So you have been skulking around, spying on them? Perhaps your eyes should be turned inwards if you wish to be concerned about someone’s well-being!”

“Oh, I already know I’m a lost cause.” Once again, his cheerful demeanor didn’t falter as he said these horrible things about himself. “I don’t matter compared to all you symbols of hope anyway! But as for Gundham, I thought since you’re such a good friend of his you might want to help him see that with so much on his plate already, he doesn’t need to be putting someone else’s needs above his own. Especially if-”

“Hey, Nagito.” Chiaki rarely showed emotion on her face, but I could see anger there now. “Can you go away?”

“Oh! Am I bothering you?” He stood, feigning surprise once more. “I’m so sorry, of course I’ll get out of your hair.” Meeting my glare with a mock apologetic grin, he waved goodbye and started to leave.

“Especially if what?” I called after him.

“Oh, it’s probably nothing.” He turned back and held up his hands in a half-defensive, half-placating gesture. “It’s just conjecture, anyway.”

“ _What_ is conjecture?” I demanded sternly.

“It’s just that Hajime didn’t want anyone to know what Mikan was medicating him for. And between his memory issues and that strange incident yesterday, it might be some serious mental health issue Gundham isn’t equipped to handle.”

I stared at him in stunned silence and after a moment he begged his leave with a feigned awkwardness and wandered off. Even though I knew it was exactly what he was trying to do, his words had still planted a seed of worry in me. Despite his claim that he lacked talent, manipulation was clearly an area where he possessed great skill.

“You shouldn’t listen to him,” Chiaki said as I watched his retreating back. “Even if some of that was true, he wouldn’t tell you for any good reason, right?”

I composed myself, if only externally, and turned to smile at her. “You are correct, of course. Thank you, Chiaki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The girls hanging out](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/70/81/b3/7081b3ead97d54a51e914c17cc7bdc23.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/58733985))
> 
> [How Nagito spends his free time in this fic](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/34/dd/37/34dd377b289266913b272a945af9284b.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/46381118))


	45. Wards

The guys and I passed a surprisingly fun morning and afternoon together. I almost couldn’t believe how tolerable Kazuichi could be as long as the subject didn’t steer anywhere near girls, and Nagito was nowhere to be found. Fuyuhiko and Gundham even seemed to be coming to some kind of begrudging understanding. It felt a bit infantilizing to have them bonding over some kind of desire to protect me, but if it was a foothold they could use to start forming a friendship I didn’t want to interfere with that. I was really starting to enjoy Fuyuhiko’s company, and spending time with him would be a lot easier if the two of them weren’t constantly bickering.

At some point, Gundham insisted he go up to the playground to feed the Devas and the rest of us decided to follow him. He wouldn’t let Kazuichi within ten feet of the planter the hamsters were frolicking in and always kept himself positioned between them. But despite that tension, we chatted away for hours, sometimes playing games, sometimes just talking or swapping stories. Eventually, I took my leave of the others to go see how the girls were doing. Gundham tagged along too, despite seeming a bit reluctant for some reason.

“Hey Akane,” I said as the elevator door opened onto the first floor of Grape House. She was staring down the strange statue of an incredibly muscular woman in the middle of the room like she wanted to wrestle it.

“Hey. What’s goin’ on?” She didn’t take her eyes off her target as she greeted us.

“A formidable-looking creature,” Gundham cut in before I could respond, joining her in examining the statue. “You are wondering how powerful she was?”

“Yeah.” She was sounding uncharacteristically thoughtful. “I’ve just gotta know… could I have beaten her?”

“If she truly was an ogre, as the plaque indicates, she may have had inhuman strength.”

“I bet with Coach Nekomaru trainin’ me, I could still beat her!” Akane cracked her knuckles with an intense look on her face. “You think she’s still around? Maybe on the island somewhere?”

“I do not know. Hmm.” Gundham walked around the statue, examining it closely. “Perhaps once we escape this wretched building, I could perform a ritual to determine her location for you.”

“Really? You could do that?”

Gundham had completed his circle and stood next to Akane again, grinning mysteriously. “Perhaps. I will have to consult my tomes. But those of great power often leave lingering traces of their presence, marks upon the world that one with the right knowledge can find. I am willing to lend you my expertise in this matter, if you will allow me to witness your duel should you find her. Such a clash is bound to be instructive.”

“Well damn! Thanks, magic boy!” Grinning broadly, she moved to slap him on the back, but he jumped out of the way with that impressive speed of his and assumed a defensive stance, arms raised. The Devas popped out of his scarf to spread across his person and I wondered for the first time if he actually had trained them for combat in some capacity like he always claimed. I didn’t know what hamsters could even do in a fight, but if anyone could find a way to make them useful, it’d be Gundham.

“Take care! Though they may not be lethal to a lycanthrope such as yourself, the poison in my veins will still do you great harm should you make contact with my skin.”

“Huh? I’m like a what?”

“Interesting. Are you unaware of your shapeshifting nature? That is common among newly infected lycanthropes.” I had to turn around and slap my hand over my mouth to hold in my laughter, although the shaking in my shoulders refused to be suppressed. Not for the first time - and, I was certain, not for the last - I wished I could guess whether he actually believed what he was saying or not.

“Infected?! Am I sick?”

“Perhaps. Tell me, do you have enhanced senses compared to other humans?”

“Huh. I can usually hear and smell things you guys can’t. Is that bad?”

“Smell? Hmm, that certainly points to canine lycanthropy. And what of your appetite? Could it be described as insatiable?” Okay, he knew damn well she had a stomach like a black hole. He had to be messing with her. Right?

“I’m hungry all the time, does that count?”

“Categorically,” he confirmed, with all the gravity of a messenger delivering the news of a critical military defeat. “Finally, do you, around the time of the full moon, wake not recalling the events of the night? Perhaps covered in blood, with unexplained injuries, or damage to your clothing?”

“I tear my clothes up with parkour sometimes, which is why I don’t wear pants. And I get bruises I can’t explain all the time, but I thought it was just because I was forgetful… oh no, forgettin’ is another one of the things, isn’t it?” She was starting to sound panicked. “And I’ve never paid attention to whether it happens on the full moon, but about every month I definitely-”

“Anyway!” I spun back around, clapping my hands together loudly to interrupt before this conversation got way more awkward than I could handle. “We just came by to check on you and the other girls. Are you doing okay?”

“I don’t know! What if I’m one of these like-o-tropes?”

“Lycanthrope,” I sighed. “It means werewolf. You’re not a werewolf, Akane.”

“Given the abundance of evidence, I would not dismiss the possibility out of hand.” Gundham’s face was deadly serious, but that could have meant anything. While I wouldn’t have called him an excellent actor when it came to most emotions, he was superb at looking serious. Unless you managed to make him blush, of course. As that thought ran through my mind, the mental image of Gundham’s face lighting up with one of those adorable blushes distracted me enough that I lost control of the situation again.

“There’s gotta be a way to tell for sure, right?” Akane pleaded.

Gundham crossed his arms and gave us one of his canny grins. “The full moon is just over a week away. We shall have to see to it that you are thoroughly restrained and watch you for signs of transformation.”

“But I’ve gotta know now!”

“Have no fear, you shall not be a danger to us until the night of the Wolf Moon. In the meantime, you may conduct your life as usual.”

“Great, glad that’s settled.” I clapped Akane on the back, shooting Gundham an exasperated look that he pretended not to notice. “So, uh, I’ve been wanting to ask how you’re doing with Nekomaru and everything.”

“Huh? What about him?”

“Well, you know.” I waved my hands in the air vaguely. “He got hurt. Protecting you. And now he’s…”

“No longer human,” Gundham finished somberly.

“What? It’s not like he’s dead or anything. He’s fine. He’s checking out the tower right now.” She gestured towards the hallway leading to Grape Tower. “Said he likes listening to the sensors or something.”

“Akane…” I was stunned by her lack of emotion over the situation. “He’s a robot now,” I finished lamely.

“Why does everyone keep askin’ me about this? First Baby Gangsta and the girls, then that skinny creep when he came over here this morning. And now you two. What’s the deal?”

“I think we all just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Well, there’s nothin’ to worry about.” She turned and stormed off towards the tower, leaving me staring open-mouthed at her retreating back. There was obviously something going on with her, but it was just as obvious that she wanted to be left alone with it right now.

“I hope she’s gonna be okay,” I said, almost to myself.

“It must be difficult.” Gundham’s tone was as solemn as I’d ever heard it. “Even for those of us who were not so close to him as she, his presence is now a constant reminder of the depths of Monokuma’s cruelty.”

It took a moment for his words to sink in through my haze of worry for Akane, and when they did I had to run them through my head a few times. The sentiment sounded innocuous at first blush, but I could feel something lurking under the surface. Something that felt… sinister. “What do you mean?” I asked slowly.

“To have brought him back, a shell of his former self, a soulless husk aping the vivacity of the man he once was? Better to have released him from the wheel, let him see a natural end.”

“Soulless?” I was shocked to hear something so callous from him. “He’s still alive, Gundham! He’s still Nekomaru!”

He shook his head gloomily. “You have heard him, have you not? He seems only half-aware of his condition. He believes he still has biological functions he clearly now lacks and does not understand why the rest of us do not possess the same robotic senses as he. Nidai is no longer the Ultimate Team Manager we once knew. Our captor’s perverse meddling has turned him into nothing more than a sophisticated golem.”

“I had better not hear you say something like that to Akane!” I burst out, furious that he would think this way about our friend.

He bristled immediately and turned a baleful glare on me. “Or what?” The walls that suddenly slammed up around him were almost physical.

“I- what?” I took a step back, startled by his reaction. That look, that sudden anger, made my breath catch in my throat and I glanced instinctively at his hands.

“Why would you threaten me?” he demanded.

We stood staring at each other for a moment and I could feel my expression shifting from shock to concern as I processed what he had just said. “Gundham… I didn’t mean to sound like I was threatening you.”

“Then I would thank you to not use such words again!”

“Okay.”

It was his turn to look surprised. Then his eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Tch. For you to acquiesce so quickly-”

“Gundham,” I interrupted him. “Of course I won’t say something like that if it upsets you this much.” He looked swiftly away from me, but I could see his shoulders start to relax. “I stepped in something there, didn’t I?” I asked quietly. “Something from your past?”

“I am not fool enough to express such a sentiment to Owari,” he snapped, dodging the question. “I have no desire for an altercation with her.”

I looked him over, noticing that he seemed to be taking care to control his breathing. “Are you okay?”

“Why would I not be?” he muttered stubbornly.

“Right.” I went to sit on the statue’s base and gave him some time to lower his hackles and gather himself. He glanced over at me after a couple of minutes, looking more haggard than I’d seen him all day, and I reached out my hand. After a wary few moments, he sidled over, then brought up a tentative hand of his own. I let him slowly slip it into mine, just like I had the first time we’d touched, and watched his stance soften as those walls started to crumble away again.

“I don’t know what that was about, and you don’t have to tell me.” I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “But I want you to know that, no matter how angry I am at you, I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

“I know you have a gentle nature.” He brushed my cheek and looked down at me with tired eyes. “My wards were perhaps overzealous in their activation.”

“I could have been more careful with my words. Let me know if there’s anything else I should do to avoid, uh, tripping your wards.”

“I will give the matter some thought. Erm…” He looked away from me again, fiddling with his scarf somewhat timidly. “Did I scare you?”

“A bit,” I admitted.

He slumped. “Acting in such a manner before you was exceptionally thoughtless of me. I would have you to know as well that, even in anger, I have no wish to ever harm you.”

“I know.” I pulled him close and hugged him, resting my face on his chest. “It’s not that I think you will, I really don’t. It’s just…”

“A reminder,” he finished for me, his voice heavy with sorrow. “Of when I did.”

“I know it wasn’t really you,” I whispered, holding him tighter.

Gundham started petting my head gently and we stayed there for a while, letting the physical contact knit us back together emotionally as well. “We should complete our errand,” he sighed when he finally drew away. “That we may return and rest. I believe our low reserves of energy are doing neither of us any favors.”

“You’re probably right.” Getting to my feet, I took his face in my hands and stood on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the forehead. “Let’s go look for the others then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly delighted about how much that last chapter made you all hate my Nagito. I hope his future antics will be just as infuriating 😉
> 
> [The boys hanging out.](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/31445158) If only they actually had boxes of Pocky.
> 
> I mean, she could totally be [a werewolf](https://www.deviantart.com/liqxid/art/SHSL-Soldier-Owari-Akane-462385352), right?
> 
> She's crying [on the inside](https://beebeezed.tumblr.com/post/62717190375/i-really-want-a-mini-nidai-omg).
> 
> [Baleful glare](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4d/65/85/4d65852783333b0c08ebda16b6627a42.jpg). ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/32075060)) Gundham's childhood trauma is rearing its ugly head there. Poor boys are really stepping on each others' triggers today. But hey, look at them, employing communication to work through it like a couple of pros.


	46. Unrequited

“Huh.”

“What is it, my seraph?”

“I thought I just heard someone on the stairs.” As we arrived on Grape House’s second floor I looked around the landing and up the stairwell. There was no one to be seen. “Weird.” Deciding it probably wasn’t important, I started down the hall. Gundham glanced back, frowning, but followed me.

“Hey Chiaki.” I waved when we found her in the lounge but there was no response other than a loud snore. Chiaki’s ability to sleep despite sitting upright, or even standing, always impressed me.

“It would perhaps be kinder to leave her to her rest,” Gundham pointed out as I took a step forward.

“Oh. Yeah, you’re right. Sleeping’s probably the best thing we could all be doing right now.”

“Indeed. Well, all appears to be in order here. Let us return.” He abruptly turned towards the stairs.

“Don’t you want to say hi to Sonia?” I tugged on his coat then made for her room at the back of the hall. “Come on.”

Gundham stood for a moment, mouth open and hand outstretched, before pulling himself together. “Hajime, wait-” he tried to say as he jogged to catch up. But I had already started knocking.

“Oh, hello you two.” Sonia gave us a bright smile when she opened her door. “Please, come in.”

Her deluxe room was identical to Gundham’s in layout, but with a green color scheme that gave everything a vaguely unsettling quality. I sat down on the lounge chair and Gundham, after hesitating a moment at the door, joined me. He fiddled nervously with his scarf as I talked to Sonia. “So, what have you been up to over here?”

“I have spent most of the day speaking with Chiaki and drawing our nameplates.” 

“Oh, that was you? That was really thoughtful, they look great!” It seemed Sonia’s talents didn’t only lie in conversation. She had drawn cute little pictures of myself and the girls and put them up on our doors to indicate who was staying in each room.

“It is kind of you to say so! That reminds me, I made some for the boys in Strawberry House as well. Please, take these with you when you return.” She picked up a small stack of papers and handed them to Gundham. Not being subtle about avoiding her gaze, he awkwardly grabbed at them. “Have I done something to upset you, Gundham?” She sounded genuinely concerned.

As he crossed his arms and started drumming his fingers on them, I was hit with a sudden realization and desperately regretted dragging him in here. The revelation about Sonia’s crush must have been making him uncomfortable and he’d obviously needed some time to come to terms with it before talking to her again.

“Why- that is, Kuzuryu claimed-” 

“Maybe we should go,” I cut him off. “Everyone’s on edge-”

“Do you have feelings for me?” Gundham’s voice, awkwardly high-pitched, held a strange combination of forcefulness and disbelief. Sonia froze like a cornered rabbit.

“Well.” I stood up. “I should probably let you two talk.” Neither of them looked at me as I tugged the nameplates out of Gundham’s hand, where he’d been clutching them hard enough to leave wrinkles, and sidled out the door.

“Shit,” I muttered, smacking my palm into my forehead as I started to walk down the hallway. “Shit, shit, shit. Fucking. Stupid.” Each curse was accompanied by another smack. Continuing my barrage of self-abuse internally, I made my way back to Strawberry House.

I had intended to head straight for Gundham’s room to be alone with my shame, but for the second time today I was ambushed by Fuyuhiko’s voice coming from the lounge. “Hey Hajime. Where’s your boyfriend?”

I went to sit with him, folding my arms on the table and lowering my head into them. “I’m an idiot.”

“You two get in another fight? You know, having so many of those this early on isn’t exactly a great fucking sign. You’ll end up like my parents at this rate.”

I lifted my head and sighed, rubbing at my face to try and clear some of my muddle-headed exhaustion. “No, it’s not that. I didn’t realize he was going to be awkward around Sonia after what you said this morning and took him to go see her.”

“Okay yeah, you are a fucking idiot.”

“Thanks,” I said dryly. “This is really your fault, you know?”

“Don’t blame me for your own damn relationship problems.” He leaned back, folding his arms and crossing one leg over another. The maturity of that pose clashed with his extremely youthful appearance. “So, what, is he dumping you for her or something?”

“Man, you really are an asshole,” I sighed. “No. Not that I’m aware of at least. I just didn’t want to be around while they were talking things out. Not really my place.”

“Really? You’re not afraid they’re gonna…” He made a vaguely suggestive gesture with his eyebrows.

“What? Oh. No. I don’t think Gundham would do something like that. And Sonia has the self control of a statue, so I don’t think she’d try anything either.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. You can never predict how someone’ll start acting when shit like this crops up. You may not want to let him be alone with her anymore.”

“I’m not his prison warden! Just because you have trust issues doesn’t mean I do.” He rolled his eye, but didn’t make any move to contradict me. “Anyway, I’d much prefer if they could work this out and stay friends. She’s basically his only one.”

“It’s your funeral, man. Do you know if he’s into women?”

“I’m not even really sure if he’s into guys, or just me.”

That made him loose a derisive laugh. “Oh, just you? So, ‘Humble Hajime’ was a front the whole time. Under that act, you really think you’re the hottest shit.”

“That’s not what I mean.” I gave him an exasperated look. “Apparently he’s never had feelings for anyone before. Not even a little. I’m not sure he can even start to see someone like that until he’s gotten close to them, which he doesn’t do a lot.” Sighing again, I thought about how hard I’d had to work just to be able to call him a friend to his face without him yelling at me. “He _really_ doesn’t make it easy.”

“Well, I guess I can get that.” He had a thoughtful, faraway look on his face. “I spent my whole life pining after exactly one person.”

“You know, if you ever want to talk about her, I’d be happy to listen. I never got the chance to know her very well.”

He looked down at the table, thinking it over for a moment. “You know what? Yeah, I-”

“What’re you guys talking about?” Kazuichi poked his head around the corner again, interrupting us with his typical lack of tact. “Oh, huh. Where’s Gundham?”

“Alone with Sonia in her room while they talk about their feelings for each other, apparently,” Fuyuhiko said, shooting me a wry grin.

“WHAAAAT?!” Kazuichi screamed, his face instantly adopting a rictus of horror. “Hajime! You’re just letting that happen?!” He seized me by the shirt and started shaking me. “We have to go stop them!”

I grabbed his wrists and tried to pry him off of me, with little success. Working with machines must have made him stronger than I’d ever given him credit for. “Cut it out! Fuyuhiko was exaggerating.”

“You’re crazy! You’re just gonna sit there and do nothing? Well, I’m not!” He finally released me and ran to the stairs.

Fuyuhiko grimaced at the glare I leveled at him and got to his feet. “Fine. My fault, I’ll handle it.” He jogged off after the frantic man.

I stared at the slowly shifting strawberry patterns on the walls for a while, listening to the shouting downstairs without really hearing it. The day had started out so well. We’d hung out, made jokes, laughed, bonded. But as time went on that gnawing hunger was getting to us all more and more, eroding our already strained abilities to keep our shit together.

As my gloomy musings reminded me of the pit in my own stomach, I realized just how exhausted I was. I got up and put Sonia’s nameplates on everyone’s doors before dragging my feet back to Gundham’s room and throwing myself into his decadent bed. The inviting warmth and softness only served to remind me of how alone I felt without him there beside me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Let’s go see Sonia](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/c0/07/a1/c007a16952b7cc1c5e6b1a9677f86364.jpg)! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/77387960))
> 
> [Kazuichi, calm down](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/03/e7/0d/03e70d29af81957fcd487125882f034d.jpg)! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/50500105))


	47. Panic Mode

I jogged down the stairs to see Kazuichi, nervously tapping his hands on his legs in front of the contact elevator. “Hey!” He spun around at the sound of my shout and screamed in that obnoxious, over-dramatic way of his. Just then, there was a ding and the doors started to open. He turned back and stuck his arm into the slowly widening gap, frantically trying to squeeze through as fast as possible while I rushed over and tried to pull him back out. The kid was stronger than me though, so after a bit of a scuffle I wound up in there with him. God, being short was such a pain in the ass.

Neither of us pressed any buttons, but the door closed behind us. “Oh shit!” Kazuichi wailed, seeming to realize that being stuck in an enclosed space with me wasn’t exactly an improvement over his previous situation. Backing into a corner, he raised his arms in front of himself as if to fend off an imminent punch. “Please don’t kill me!”

“I’m not gonna fucking kill you, dumbass. Calm the fuck down.”

He peeked at me warily from behind his arms. “Why are you chasing me, then?”

I rubbed my forehead, acutely aware of how much worse my hunger headache was getting from all this running around. Why the hell _was_ I doing this? Because Hajime would be pissed at me if my shitty joke led to a real fight between his boyfriend and this idiot, probably. Not that I was about to admit that. “Because all your bullshit with Sonia is seriously starting to piss me the fuck off. And I think Gundham is one obnoxious run-in from breaking your face. Chill out and let them talk. It shouldn’t matter either way because you are _never_ getting with her, but for what it’s worth he’s really not into her.”

He finally lowered his arms and stared at me as the door started to open again. Just as I was about to sigh in relief at having finally gotten through to him, the bastard bolted. “Fuck!” I shouted, spinning around in time to see him slipping past Nekomaru, who must have been waiting for the elevator. “Grab him!”

He darted over and hoisted the screaming idiot up, throwing him over a broad shoulder. Kazuichi struggled uselessly and tried to bang on the robot man’s back, but stopped and rubbed at his hand after one solid hit reminded him the guy was made of metal now.

“What’s going on?” Nekomaru asked me with a cheerful grin, completely unfazed by Kazuichi’s ongoing protests.

“Jackass has a deathwish. Come on, help me get him back.”

He joined me in the elevator and I pressed the button to send us off. Kazuichi went limp as soon as the door was closed. “Can you put me down now?” He sounded thoroughly defeated and when I leaned back to get a look at his face I saw that he had genuinely started to cry. What the fuck was going on in this kid’s brain?

Nekomaru looked at me for approval, but I shook my head. “Not until we’re back.”

Only Kazuichi’s sniffling intruded on the awkward silence as we waited for our ride in the unnaturally still elevator to end. Once it had, I let Nekomaru out first and sent the elevator back to Grape House before exiting myself, just in case. It turned out to be a necessary precaution because as soon as Kazuichi was back on his feet he rushed over and started repeatedly slamming the call button.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously?” I reached up and smacked him on the back of the head, hard.

“Ow!” That seemed to knock some sense into him for the moment because he stopped and rubbed at his head. “I dunno, man. Just… thinking about those two together makes me feel like complete shit!”

“They’re not getting together, dumbass! Gundham’s with Hajime and they’re crazy about each other. You’ve seen how they are.”

He leaned his forehead into the wall, his shoulders slumping. “Yeah,” he muttered bitterly. “That pisses me off too.”

I had to cross my arms to help suppress the urge to smack him again. “Yeah, and you need to fucking get over that. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.” In response he simply turned around and slid down the wall, bringing his knees to his chest and looking sullen.

“You still need me here?” Nekomaru broke in.

“Are you gonna try something stupid again?” I asked Kazuichi. He thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. “I think we’re good, then.”

“Alright, see you guys later!” Beaming with a cheerfulness that was frankly obnoxious given the whole Funhouse situation, Nekomaru waved goodbye and disappeared up the stairs. Fuck, it must have been nice not to be starving. I knew he’d run out of batteries eventually, but in the meantime, the lucky bastard didn’t have to suffer like the rest of us.

When I turned back to Kazuichi, he was leaning back against the wall with his beanie pulled down over his eyes. I could see the trails left by tears on his face. “Everybody fucking hates me, don’t they?” he snivelled.

What a goddamn child. But I pushed down my instinct to kick him into shape and tried to summon some patience as I sat down beside him. I shouldn’t expect him to act like one of my yakuza guys. He was just a high schooler who didn’t have the faintest idea how to hold himself together in a crisis. There was no need for me to pile on. “No. You annoy the shit out of all of us, but we don’t hate you. I mean, maybe Sonia and Gundham do, who knows? But if they do, you’ve kinda been asking for that.”

“Yeah. I guess I have.” He took his hat off and stared down at it, twisting it in his hands. “Shit, man, I don’t want them to hate me.”

“Then stop harassing Sonia and chill the fuck out with Gundham! Anyway, I get why you don’t want her to hate you, but why do you care what he thinks? Don’t _you_ hate _him_?”

“Nah, dude. I dunno. I think I’m just jealous of him. I mean, not only is Miss Sonia all over him, but he’s got someone else he’s so into he turned down a literal princess for him? Like, what the fuck? Why Hajime?” This time I didn’t bother resisting the urge to smack him again. “Ow! Stop fucking hitting me!”

“Then stop being an asshole. What’s wrong with Hajime?”

“What?” He put his beanie back on thoughtfully. “Nothing’s wrong with him, I guess. But, like, what’s _right_ with him? He’s got such a forgettable face. Why would anyone pick him over a hottie like Miss Sonia? Is it just because he got in there first?”

I actually thought Hajime was pretty cute, in a lost puppy kind of way. He gave off a vibe that made you want to give him a reassuring pat on the head and make sure he got home safe. That might have been part of what Gundham liked about him, but from what Hajime had been telling me earlier there was probably a lot more to it than just looks. “Man,” I sighed, leaning back into the wall. “You seriously need to get to know people better. I’d probably make the same choice in his shoes.”

He gave me a weird look. “What-”

At that moment the elevator opened again and Gundham himself walked out, petting a hamster sitting on his shoulder. “Hey, settle a question for us,” I called out, grinning. “Why Hajime over Sonia? This idiot reckons it was first come, first serve, but I think there’s more to it than that.”

He turned an exhausted glare on us. Clearly whatever had just gone down between him and the princess had left him in no mood to deal with our bullshit right now, so he just wordlessly started for the stairs.

“Hey!” Kazuichi jumped to his feet.

“Oh my god, drop it, dumbass!” I shouted as he rushed forward. Gundham turned back around in time to see Kazuichi reaching for his shoulder.

“Don’t just ignore us, you-” Gundham cut off his outburst by seizing his wrist, faster than I’d seen anyone other than Peko move. He twisted the kid’s arm behind his back, grabbed him by the jumpsuit, and swung him around to press him face-first into a nearby wall.

Kazuichi made a strange whimpering noise, but it didn’t sound like he was in pain. I knew Gundham was strong enough to have done some serious damage if he wanted to, so I was glad he was showing restraint. Kazuichi was annoying, but he didn’t deserve to actually get hurt and I wasn’t sure I could’ve intervened even if I’d wanted to put my neck on the line for him. I’d never admit it, but I was too short for this shit.

“Your life matters little to me, but nevertheless I will give you this warning,” Gundham hissed. “Do not ever try to touch me again lest you wish to see your flesh slough from your bones before your dying eyes. Do you understand?”

“Alright, alright! I’m sorry,” Kazuichi cried. Gundham released him and swept away up the stairs without another word. “Jeeze,” he muttered, rubbing his shoulder. “What an asshole.”

I stared at him in utter disbelief. “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, Kazuichi. Let’s get you into a character growth arc, there’s a good lad. _*pats head*_
> 
> [Sad Kaz.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/60/07/c4/6007c43632efef62b859331f219da387.jpg) ([Source](https://huyandere.tumblr.com/post/149038870521/them-also-happy-birthday-fuyuhiko-chan))
> 
> Gundham is [not in the mood.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8e/e6/69/8ee669182d9273b3994e4403baa1ffb9.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/85082007)). Like seriously [not in the fucking mood.](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/c4/59/8d/c4598d032b26c1cbf1b4eed866a0332a.jpg) ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/39161270))
> 
> So, the next handful of updates are probably going to be weekly. There’s a lot of stuff in the Funhouse chapters coming up that needs shoring up and I want to get it done while still updating on a regular schedule, so I’m slowing it down for now. Also, I’ve gotten sucked into editing some of the earlier chapters, which is taking a decent chunk of time. I’m not making any retcons, just editing for quality and flow. So, sorry about that!


	48. All You Need to Be

Sleep was just starting to get its hooks into me when Gundham’s entrance dragged me back to consciousness. I gave him my best attempt at a smile as, exhausted and miserable, he tossed his coat onto the chair, pulled off his boots, and collapsed into bed beside me. “I’m sorry about that,” I said into the thorny silence. “I didn’t realize you were trying to avoid her. So, uh… how’d it go?”

He crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling before answering, angrily. “Is this all people ever mean when they say they are your friend? Humans and your trickery! Why can you not just use the words you mean?”

I hadn’t been expecting that reaction, but it made sense when I thought about it. Gundham didn’t make friends easily, and finding out they all had ulterior motives must have hurt. Even if that ulterior motive was just wanting more of him. “Are you upset with me too, then?”

His face softened. “No. I should have taken more care with my own words.”

“You know, I liked spending time with you even when we weren’t doing,” I gestured vaguely between us, “all this.”

“That is kind of you to say.” He reached out to grab my hand.

“You need not thank me merely for speaking truths.” Parroting his own words from last night back to him brought a small grin to his features. I weaved my fingers into his and brought them to my lips, taking some satisfaction from the soft color that rose on his cheeks as I kissed them. “I agonized over even telling you about my feelings because losing you as a friend scared me so much.”

“I see,” he said glumly. “Then my flight from you on that night was precisely what you feared most.”

I brought his hand to my chest and hugged it there, trying to dispel his morose expression with a smile. “Thank you for coming back.”

“You have my thanks as well for your forthrightness with me.” It sounded like he was stubbornly holding onto his anger with her.

“Listen, I’m sure Sonia values your friendship too. If she didn’t care about losing it, it wouldn’t have been so hard for her to tell you about her feelings.”

“She did say she wished to remain friends,” he muttered, unconvinced. “But unlike you-”

“Please don’t compare her with me. When I told you, it was just between us and I thought there was a decent chance you felt the same way. It was different for her.”

“I suppose this is true,” he admitted. “But… why is this suddenly happening to me? Why do people- why me?” There was desperation in his voice now. “How can you not all see the poison in my veins? The demon’s blood that hounds me? The dark god sealed within my soul? What will it take for you all to understand? I am not who you think I am! I am not _what_ you think I am! I cannot give you what you want!”

“Gundham…” I still had no idea why he felt this way about himself, but it hurt my heart so badly. I wished I could make him see what I saw, the caring and sensitive core of him hiding deep in that bramble thicket of a persona he’d grown to protect it. Giving his hand a firm squeeze, I did the best I could. “You know what? I don’t care about any of that stuff. Maybe you’re evil made flesh. Maybe you’re destined to destroy the world. Maybe your blackened heart is a portal to a realm of terror. I don’t care.”

He actually chuckled a little. “Oh. I like that last one. That’s a good line.”

I leaned over to kiss him, smiling into it when he threaded his fingers through my hair. It felt so good and reminded me of our first real kiss, back when things were so much simpler. “All I care about,” I continued, gently rubbing his chest, “is that you’re Gundham Tanaka. For me at least, that’s all you need to be. Okay?”

“I have no wish to sully your bright spirit with my sin.” He was still clinging to some last vestiges of resistance, but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it.

“Too late. Darkness,” I poked him in the forehead, figuring it was a good time to try and lighten the mood, “has already found its way into my heart. Are there any perks to being evil’s consort other than getting a hot goth to make out with?”

“I am not a _goth_!” That last word held all the affronted disdain of a society lady forced to pick up a dead rat, and he scowled when a laugh erupted from me. “You are mocking me!”

“I’m not, I swear.” I choked back my laughter. “But come on. You’re as goth as it gets. You could be the Ultimate Goth.”

“Do not group me with those who simply mimic we who possess true eldritch power!” I had pulled the end of his scarf up over the bottom of my face as he spoke and was tapping pointedly at the occult-looking symbol on it. Rolling his eyes, he tugged it out of my hands, revealing the broad grin underneath. “Being a sorcerer is not merely a matter of _fashion_.”

“But the fashion is very sexy.”

“I am not attempting to be ‘sexy’!”

“Really?” I swung a leg over him, undeterred by his severe expression. “You should sometime, then. Although if this is you _not_ trying I might just pass out seeing it.” I tried to kiss him but he turned his head to the side and put a hand on my chest, pushing me away. My heart dropped. “Um, are you upset with me? I really wasn’t trying to make fun of you.”

He pulled his scarf up over his nose and fingered it, avoiding my eyes. “It is not that. I simply do not like having you atop me.”

“Oh, sorry.” I hopped off of him.

“I know that is unfair,” he mumbled into the folds of cloth. “As I frequently-”

“Screw fair.” Laying back down, I snuggled into him again. “I’d rather you be comfortable, you know that. Thanks for telling me.”

“Hajime… I do not understand you. I am beginning to believe that I never will.” He turned on his side to wrap me in a warm hug and we lay in silence for a while. Although it was somewhat faded by now, the scent of ritual incenses still suffusing his clothing filled me with a familiar sense of comfort. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine that we were back in his cottage, where those scents hung thick in the air, instead of this mausoleum with the uncanny strawberry walls.

As we snuggled, the Devas started to pop out of Gundham’s scarf and scamper around on us, looking for places to sit. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about this,” I said eventually, separating from him. Jum-P had already fallen asleep on his hip, and I stroked the little guy’s upturned belly as I spoke. “But I’d like to know, if it’s alright. If I weren’t in the picture, would you share Sonia’s feelings?”

Gundham reached down to pet the hamster with me as he contemplated his answer, but when his fingers brushed mine he began idly stroking them instead. Not seeming to notice what he was doing, he started working his way up my hand, then my arm. He’d almost reached my elbow by the time he spoke.

“I am fond of Sonia. She is knowledgeable on many interesting topics and I find conversing with her pleasant. Like you, I believe she has great power slumbering within her she is not yet aware of.” There was a pause as he chewed on his thoughts. “But she weaves subtle enchantments with her words, pushing others in a direction of her choosing. I am often left with the feeling that she desires me to be something slightly other than what I am. And she lacks a… quality you possess that drew me to you.”

“What quality is that?” I asked, as his absent-minded petting reached my sleeve and he started fiddling with it.

He made a frustrated noise somewhere between a grunt and a growl. “I do not know. Or at least, I do not know what to call it.”

“If you ever figure it out, I’d love to hear what it is.”

“It- it is things such as that! You just- you do not- argh!” As his frustration with his own inability to communicate his thoughts grew, he gripped tightly at my sleeve and finally seemed to realize what he’d been doing. Releasing me, he rolled onto his back, sticking his fingers in his hair as he stared at the ceiling in wide-eyed distress. Jum-P flipped over and scurried back up into his scarf when he changed position. He didn’t even seem to notice. “Why?! I do not understand-”

“Hey,” I interrupted, growing concerned. “If this is upsetting you, we don’t have to talk about it.”

“And that is exactly it too!” He pulled his hands down over his eyes. “It is like… you open a door. But you do not attempt to force me through. You just stand there. Not even waiting, not exactly. Just… being there. So when I wish to go, if I ever wish to, you will be able to accompany me. I- I do not know how else to say it!” The desperation in his voice was growing with every word. “What is that? Why are you like that?! How-”

I laughed gently and sniffled. His wild-eyed gaze turned towards the sound just as I was wiping away some tears that had started falling down my cheeks. When he opened his mouth to speak again I haphazardly put my hand, still wet with tears, over it to stop him. “That was a wonderful way to say it. I think I understand.” Slowly, he started to relax, and I retracted my hand. Then I leaned over to hug him, burying my face in his shoulder so I could cry silently into it. “I love you so much,” I whispered.

Confused, Gundham wrapped tentative arms around me. “Why do you weep? Have I said something which upset you?”

I could only shake my head. How could I explain that he deserved so much more than people had given him? He’d just start talking about how horrible he was again, and I couldn’t take hearing more of that right now. “Thanks for telling me that. It was nice to hear. And thank you for talking to me about all this stuff. I know it can be hard for you.”

Just as he was starting to respond, we were interrupted by the worst possible person. “Well, at least you have all your clothes on this time,” Monokuma’s jeering voice came from the direction of the door. Gundham hugged me tighter, not looking up at him.

“Why are you bothering us now?” I sighed.

Striking a coquettish pose, he spoke in that sleazy tone of his I couldn’t stand. “If you two don’t mind cutting your dry humping short tomorrow morning, come to Grape Tower at seven sharp.” He punctuated the last word by holding up one paw and extending his glittering claws.

I was too tired to rise to his taunting. “Sure thing. See you there.”

“Ugh, you’re no fun!” He threw his paws up in the air and scowled. “Fine, be that way. Just for that, I’ll make sure to punish the whole group if even one of you is late or tries to skip out! Jerk.” Leaving us with that, he vanished as suddenly as he’d appeared.

“I swear, he’s getting more annoying every day,” I muttered.

“There are ever fewer of us to keep him entertained,” Gundham said darkly.

I slumped as the frustration suddenly flooded out of me, leaving only an empty resignation. “Yeah. You’re right. Barely half of us left now.”

“Perhaps I should not have said that. I am sorry.”

I shook my head into his shoulder. “It’s not your fault. I’m just… I’m just so sick of this!” My frustration came back in full force, slamming into me like a tidal wave. “I’m so sick of it all! Seeing our friends dying, killing each other, lying and betraying the rest of us.” My voice was approaching a shout as I clutched tightly at Gundham. “And just to amuse that sick fuck!”

“Hajime…” He seemed to have no idea how to respond, and I didn’t blame him. I’d been trying so hard to hold myself together over these last few weeks, but I was starting to crack. It was too much. It was just too much.

“And none of it had to happen!” I spat. “Before the Despair Disease, all those deaths were just because Nagito, Teruteru, and fucking Fuyuhiko had to be selfish! Why? We could all be at the hotel, all sixteen of us, working together to get off this goddamn island right now. But instead, we had to watch people die, over and over, and now we’re stuck here, starving to death!”

Gundham spoke quietly when I finally left a break in my rant. “It is likely that Monokuma would have pushed us ever further had his initial motivations not incited the killing he desired. I do not believe he would have settled for us living in peace and working against him.”

His calm words tore the anger back out of me just as violently as it had arrived. “You’re right,” I said, all the fight gone from me now. “He would have just kept throwing new things at us until someone finally broke, wouldn’t he?” Gundham nodded solemnly. “Fuck. Sorry for freaking out.”

“I believe you are owed at least one such outburst.” He gave me a tired smile. “Even your saintly temper has its limits.”

“I guess so. Thanks. And, please don’t tell Fuyuhiko what I said.” 

“Of course. Although I cannot fathom why, I know that fiend’s esteem is important to you.” He started petting my head and I closed my eyes, leaning into it. “Do you wish to sleep now?”

I made a vaguely affirmative noise, then a small groan of frustration. I was still laying awkwardly halfway across his chest. “I’m not going to be able to like this, though.”

He tightened his hold on me and when he spoke his voice was small. “I do not wish to let you go yet.”

I chuckled. It seemed like, despite his aversion to touch, even Gundham needed a hug sometimes. “How about you at least let me get more comfortable?”

“That is… acceptable.” He released me just long enough for us to adjust to a spooning position then hugged me close again, sighing deeply as he rubbed his cheek against mine.

I relaxed, letting his warmth start to melt away my stress. “You’re really sweet, you know?”

“Nonsense,” he mumbled into my hair. “My soul is bitter to its core.”

“Shut up and take the compliment, you dork,” I said affectionately.

He stopped hugging me and started to pull his arm back. Worried I’d gone too far, I was about to apologize for the name-calling when his fingers suddenly skittered down my side like a spider. I yelped and rolled away from him, but he wasn’t letting me go that easily. With a wicked cackle, he followed, wiggling his hands up my sides as I howled with laughter.

“Argh!” He cried out in pain all of a sudden and I felt him sitting up. When I twisted around to see what was going on, he was prying a furiously squealing Cham-P off of himself. “What is this?!” He sounded utterly bewildered as the hamster finally let go of his neck and started making a spirited attempt to bite through his bandages. Rubbing at the red marks the Deva had left behind, he lowered him to the bed and gently shook him off. Cham-P immediately ran over to me and scampered up my head, crouching in my hair.

I tried to control my continued laughter enough to not dislodge the little guy as I reached up to touch him. “Take care!” Gundham warned, but I persisted. He looked dumbfounded as Cham-P raised no objection to my careful petting. “Is this an insurrection?”

“I think he was protecting me,” I said smugly, stroking the hamster. He leaned into my fingers and squeaked softly in a way that sounded like he was trying to reassure me.

“From… _me_?” Gundham’s mouth dropped open.

I grinned up at him in triumph. “Perhaps my treachery was more successful than either of us thought.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Gundham doesn’t know how to deal with being liked](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/f1/39/77/f13977aaa2f9f51767b5d8606ecf6634.jpg). ([Source](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/i+meant+to+post+this+yesterday+but+i+forgot?sort=top))
> 
> [Sorry, Sonia](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ac/ae/b0/acaeb078440b8ac74153bf83abd8276c.jpg).
> 
> Do not hug me! [I am evil! I am the night](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/5c/43/a1/5c43a153a8be7ab9bd92d25bf2a49db2.jpg)! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/29701392))
> 
> [Covered in hamsters](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/2b/a8/3f/2ba83f43b5e5de51d738750b408021ee.jpg).
> 
> [Insurrection](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/cb/72/32/cb723273f5a7d787de7472182665fe44.jpg)! ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/30604796))


	49. Responsible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive spoilers for the end of SDR2 in this chapter, but it should be fine to skip if you want to avoid those. Also maybe some spoilers for Ultra Despair Girls.

The soft glow from the dozens of screens arrayed before me provided the only light in this dark room. My shift watching the feeds from the Program had been quiet, with all the members of class 77-B fast asleep. All the ones I could see, anyway. I’d taped a piece of paper over the monitor showing the room Gundham and Hajime were sharing. I knew from experience how all those cameras faded into the background after a while, so I tried not to judge the guys too harshly for seeming to ignore them. But they were lucky they didn’t have the whole world watching like we had.

The large central monitor displayed Monokuma, sitting on his throne in the trial room. He stopped moving abruptly, and then Junko popped into existence, taking his seat on the throne and positioning him in her lap. “Hey, classmate!” she said into the camera. “Who’s out there watching tonight? Is it my Ultimate Rival, the cheek-pinchingly adorable Makoto Naegi?” She batted her eyelashes and spoke in a high-pitched, cutesy voice when she talked about me. “Or is it the Ultimate Pain-In-My-Ass, Kyoko Kirigiri? Maybe mister tall, blond, and gorgeous? Whoever you are, who do you think is gonna crack first?”

I knew she couldn’t hear me, so I didn’t bother answering. I didn't really want to think about it, either. Whoever the next killer was, every death in there felt like my fault. “I think I know who it’s gonna be. And, oh, the despair it’s going to bring…” She shuddered, her eyes getting a glassy look to them and her face flushing. Her giggle was bordering on a moan as she shifted, spreading her legs apart. Only the lifeless Monokuma blocked my view of what was up her ridiculously short skirt. “I’m so excited to see it!”

I hated it when she acted like this, showing off her love of despair like it was a fetish. She probably knew how uncomfortable it made me, and was doing it for exactly that reason. I wondered if she knew it was me here right now, somehow. Was her ludicrous ability to predict things that detailed? And was it helped or hindered by her being an AI now? I’d been asking myself these questions for weeks and was no closer to any answers.

“Makoto.”

I smiled at the sound of Kyoko’s voice and turned to see her walking towards me. Even though it was the middle of the night, she was fully dressed in her Future Foundation uniform. I missed her Ultimate Detective getup from our time in the killing game, but I couldn’t deny how great she looked in that black suit. Then again, she’d look great in anything. “Hey. Trouble sleeping again?”

She nodded her head, just once. “Anything of note?”

“Nope.” I muted the feed as Junko handed the show back over to Monokuma. Through him, she liked to tell ridiculous stories to whoever was on the night shift. At first, we’d tried deciphering them to see if they held hidden clues, but we’d long since given up on that. If his shows were anything more than an annoying waste of time, whatever else was in there was buried deep. “Everyone’s asleep. No one’s tried to do the Final Dead Room or looks like they’re planning anything else.”

“That’s good. I’ve been speaking with Alter Ego, and we’ve come up with a plan I’d like to discuss with everyone in the morning. It’s a gamble, but it could buy us some time.”

“If you think it’s the right thing to do, you know you can count on my support.”

I smiled at her, and she smiled back. It was a small one, but they always were from her. They still meant a lot to me. “You should at least hear what it is before making a decision. You’re far too trusting.”

“Does this one involve framing me for murder?”

“No,” she said, still smiling.

“Then how bad could it be? Anyway,” I added, my tone sobering as I looked back at the screens. “I’ll risk whatever I need to if it means getting them out of there. All of this is my fault to begin with.”

She put a gloved hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. Again, it was only a small gesture of support and affection from her, but it meant the world to me. “If anyone other than you had been leading this mission, they’d all have been dead weeks ago. You’re the one who gave them this chance.”

“I know,” I sighed, grabbing her hand. The metal studs on the back of her glove were cold, but I’d gotten used to that. “I know. You’re right. It’s just so hard not to feel responsible for everything they’re going through. Especially when…”

“When you know exactly how bad it is,” she finished for me after a painful silence.

“Do you think we’ll be able to do it?” My gaze traveled over the monitors and I wished, not for the first time, that we had the real Chihiro here with us. The Ultimate Programmer probably would have been able to rescue the Remnants before a single one died in there. “Get them out before another killing?”

“No.” She didn’t even pause to consider her answer. “Not with Junko trapping them in that Funhouse. Our only plan relies on them being able to access the emergency shut-off.”

“I thought you and Alter Ego were working on something else.”

She was shaking her head before I even finished speaking. “That isn’t to get them out. If it even works, it will only buy us time.”

In the silence that followed, Junko’s question echoed in my mind. “Who do you think will be the next killer?” I finally asked.

“I have my guesses, but it’s no use speculating. There’s nothing we can do to affect things. Not yet.”

“Hey, guys.” Hearing Hina’s voice from the doorway, I pulled my hand off of Kyoko’s like a kid caught stealing cookies. I had no reason to be embarrassed about this, especially around Hina of all people. But awkwardness over having a girlfriend felt like it was baked into my bones. Kyoko, of course, remained as composed as ever. She gave my shoulder another squeeze before letting me go.

“Hey, Hina,” I said, trying to pretend like I hadn’t just done something silly. “Why are you up so late?”

Unlike Kyoko, she was wearing her pajamas and looked like she’d just crawled out of bed. “I’m sorry, Makoto.” She wrung her hands together and stared at the floor. “I got some bad news from my branch director.”

“What about?” Kyoko asked, crossing her arms.

“It’s about… Komaru.”

I stood up in a sudden panic. “What? What happened? I thought she got to HQ safely!” Last I’d heard, Komaru had been at Future Foundation Headquarters negotiating for support in liberating Towa City. She’d become a symbol of hope in her own way by spearheading the efforts to save the city, and I was so proud of her. But I was still her big brother so I was constantly worrying about her too.

“She did.” Hina didn’t lift her gaze from the floor. “Things were going well apparently, but yesterday… they arrested her.”

Kyoko put a hand on my shoulder again as I clutched at my head in horror. “Oh no,” I whispered. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

Hina nodded reluctantly. “Yeah. They really want to know where the Remnants are.”

“But she doesn’t know anything! I haven’t talked to her since before we even started looking for them!”

“They’re not planning to interrogate her.” Kyoko’s voice was as calm as it always was. The whole universe could be unraveling around her, and she’d stay as steady as a rock. “She’s a hostage.”

My legs went weak and I had to sit back down. A hostage. To get me to reveal where I was hiding the Remnants. So now there was one more person in danger because of me and my decision to help them. My only sister. With my parents missing, maybe the only family I had left. And the Future Foundation was fully aware of that. “This whole thing has been one disaster after another,” I groaned.

“She’s your sister,” Kyoko said. “And this is your project. So this decision should be yours, too.”

I closed my eyes and gathered myself. It didn’t feel like a decision at all, not really. “I love Komaru. But if the Foundation gets their hands on the Remnants, they’ll kill them. Without hesitation.”

When I opened my eyes again, the smile on Kyoko’s face told me that that’d been exactly what she’d expected me to say. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think they’ll hurt her. Not for a while, at least, and certainly not before getting in contact with you.”

“Okay, but…” Hina still looked uncomfortable. “What do we do about Toko? She and Komaru…”

My face, previously set in firm determination, fell. Those two had become very close friends after everything they’d gone through together in Towa City. Toko had even shocked us all by deciding to stay behind with her instead of returning with Byakuya. She hadn’t entirely given up her obsession with him, though. When Komaru left for Future Foundation HQ, Toko had used her uncanny ability to track him down and found us on Jabberwock. Luckily, it seemed like no one from the Foundation had thought to keep an eye on her movements, so she hadn’t led them to us.

Kyoko took charge of the situation while I was thinking things over. “Telling her is too big of a risk. We can’t have her trying to mount a rescue on her own and getting captured, not with how much she knows now.”

“We should tell Byakuya,” I sighed. “Come up with a backup plan in case she finds out. She’s not quite as servile to him as she used to be, but he might still be able to keep her here.”

Hina bit her lip thoughtfully. “And what about-”

“We shouldn’t tell him either,” I said, shaking my head. “He hasn’t been dealing with things well. I don’t want to add something like this to his plate.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” She nodded, downcast. “I’ll let you guys get back to it, then.”

Once Hina had gone, Kyoko pulled up a chair beside me. She didn’t say anything as she took one of my hands in both of hers, but I was used to that. Sitting in silence with her was never uncomfortable. We watched the monitors together for a long time, her simple presence doing more to reassure me than all the talking in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My, my, is that some canon divergence I spy 🤔
> 
> Y’all can have just a little [Naegiri](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ce/61/66/ce6166b34da47c1907b1fc0c76b3ab96.jpg), as a treat. ([Source](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/53781815))


End file.
